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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to pay half towards a takeaway in friends home.

432 replies

avamiah · 18/09/2022 22:48

I visited my friends home recently with my 12 year old and she has 3 kids herself and lives in a very nice large home( just for information).I took some gifts for them then early evening she said there was a great Chinese nearby and should we order a takeaway?
Great idea I ordered a few dishes for me and my daughter and she ordered 5 dishes for her and her 3 children.
She then said that’s £92 and just give her £45 .
I was speechless as we were guests in her home and she invited us for dinner and I was scrambling through my purse as I had my cards on me and only just had enough cash to give her.

I would never do that to a guest in my home and I felt really uncomfortable afterwards.

Just wondered what you think as it’s been bugging me.
Thanks

OP posts:
Foronenightonly22 · 18/09/2022 23:52

How old are your friends kids? Any babies/Toddlers?

if I had ordered £24 I’d expect only to that or slightly more for tip. But tbh I probably would have paid up £45 resentfully to avoid any embarrassment.

whatsup00 · 18/09/2022 23:53

I sometimes go to a friends house for a takeaway and we both order very similar (main plus side) and we split the bill. However we both know it's going to be done like this in advance.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 18/09/2022 23:54

I haven't done an analysis of responses on here but It seems that they are divided. I also feel divided. If I had been invited round to dinner at a friend's and was then asked to split the bill then I would absolutely pay it to keep the peace (yes people pleaser. Hate confrontation) but would have been a bit miffed.

If you (as I did last night) suggest a friend comes over for a take away then that's a different offering. I actually ended up paying for last night's but I know she'll offer later in the week. Tbh I probably won't accept it but it's more the gesture.

Growuppeople · 18/09/2022 23:55

I would say “I am not paying 45 for Chinese im happy with some chips” not try and find the money good god, never assume someone is paying! Id someone says do you wanna get a takeaway say no I only have a tenna etc why make it so hard!

Mfsf · 18/09/2022 23:56

I would be a shocked as you . If I’m invited for dinner at someone’s I expect them to be in charge of the food ?? Blimey £45 for being invited to someone’s

whynotwhatknot · 18/09/2022 23:57

so she took the gifts then later on ordered the takeaway and asked for money

bloody rude

MissMaple82 · 18/09/2022 23:57

So you exorcised her to pay for your takeaway??? I think you're the cheeky mare here! Me amd my friends always order takeaways together, we don't not pay just because its not in our own home!

Cameleongirl · 18/09/2022 23:59

ouch321 · 18/09/2022 23:23

So many people with poor manners on here.

If you host someone you don't ask them for a financial contribution.

If you want to order in food as you can't be bothered to cook or are too busy that's completely fine but so cheeky to expect your guest to pay toward it.

^^ That would be my assumption as well- I’ve invited you and opted to order a takeaway instead of cooking so I pay. If the guest insists on contributing, I might accept a small amount, but not 50%!

CurlUpAndDye · 18/09/2022 23:59

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 18/09/2022 23:29

This 100%. Very poor etiquette and totally classless. When our DD and her fiance come to ours - or we invite anyone else - and we choose to get a takeaway, we ALWAYS pay. Why WOULDN'T we?

It would be like having someone over for dinner and preparing/cooking it, and then telling your guests they have to pay £25-30 towards it..... Just shocking behaviour.

Show quote history

Well fuck, me and DH have been doing it wrong all these years. All this time when we invite others over and have takeaway we always pay too. We have invited them to our home for dinner, so we provide dinner. Had no idea we should be getting them to cough up some cash🙄.

I agree with Ouch and While, it's incredibly rude to ask people over for dinner and then hit them with a bill. If takeaway is too expensive then either cook a dinner or don't issue the invite in the first place.

BMW6 · 19/09/2022 00:00

I'd have said "What! You invited ME for dinner! I'll pay for what we ordered but I'll be damned if I'm paying for yours!"

I really cannot understand how people let themselves get pissed on like this.

VroomVrooom · 19/09/2022 00:01

MissMaple82 · 18/09/2022 23:57

So you exorcised her to pay for your takeaway??? I think you're the cheeky mare here! Me amd my friends always order takeaways together, we don't not pay just because its not in our own home!

But you’re really missing the point.

My friends and I do this sometimes, as well.

But it’s pre-agreed, and everyone knows what to expect, that they will be paying, etc, etc.

The OP was invited for dinner, and so arrived with gifts (an orchid) and an offering (a bottle of prosecco).

The ‘host’ then expecting her guest to pay more than her fair share is really, really off.

jetadore · 19/09/2022 00:02

MissMaple82 · 18/09/2022 23:57

So you exorcised her to pay for your takeaway??? I think you're the cheeky mare here! Me amd my friends always order takeaways together, we don't not pay just because its not in our own home!

OP was invited for dinner, and the takeaway was sprung on her, not the same scenario as your regular takeaways with your mates.

Original poster
avamiah · 19/09/2022 00:02

@Foronenightonly22 ,

No they are all similar age, well her kids are older by a couple of years as she has 2 twin girls and a older boy and yes they can eat.
The girls used to to go dance classes with my daughter when they were all very young.

OP posts:
whatsup00 · 19/09/2022 00:04

I hate how people re looking down on others or implying that it's bad manners to split a bill. For a start, not everyone is in the same financial situation. To me, I would always offer to pay half - it makes it easier for both of us so one person isn't left with an expensive bill, and it's also what's agreed/always been done. To me it's actually more fair. And actually, it turns out to be pretty much the same - as both people are paying half each time, instead of alternating with one person paying the entire thing, and the next time the other person paying the entire thing. It isn't rude, or classless, or any of the other negative things that have been mentioned. Being judgemental, on the other hand - or not understanding that maybe not everyone could pay the entire bill each time - is creeping towards those things.

Shmithecat2 · 19/09/2022 00:04

YANBU. That's so rude! If I invite people for dinner, it's my expense. CF-ery of the highest order.

benning · 19/09/2022 00:06

jetadore · 18/09/2022 23:51

Disclaimer: I am not ethnically British. But the thought of inviting someone to my home for dinner and then asking them to pay for the food is absolutely shameful. If you can’t host someone properly then don’t do it. OP was invited for dinner, the fact dinner was a takeaway is neither here nor there; it’s up to the host to provide it. Even if she wasn’t explicitly invited for dinner, inviting someone to your house and not feeding them properly is an insult and a massive loss of face. In my book it would have been more polite to diplomatically end the visit before dinner. If OP had declined the takeaway would the host have sat there and eaten a meal in front of her and her daughter? If the host had cooked would they have asked op to pay for half the ingredients? Says a lot about British culture, as does the consensus of replies on here. Inviting someone to your home and sharing a meal is one of the greatest demonstrations of friendship. Even a simple meal, doesn’t have to be from the posh Chinese (which rather suggests it’s all about status and appearances rather than consideration and friendship). Supposedly Christian county, Jesus and his fish and all that, looking down on the world with your superior morals, home is your castle, can’t even spot your guests a takeaway.
I must say I have been to many friends’ houses and this has never happened so I think in this case MN is out of touch with reality (or I travel in better circles).

I AM British and I totally agree. Inviting people over and then asking them to pay is embarrassing. It would never happen in another country.

Abouttimemum · 19/09/2022 00:09

£45 for a Chinese takeaway for you and your daughter is nothing short of utterly outrageous. I’d have said shall we cancel and go out instead!

jetadore · 19/09/2022 00:10

whatsup00 · 19/09/2022 00:04

I hate how people re looking down on others or implying that it's bad manners to split a bill. For a start, not everyone is in the same financial situation. To me, I would always offer to pay half - it makes it easier for both of us so one person isn't left with an expensive bill, and it's also what's agreed/always been done. To me it's actually more fair. And actually, it turns out to be pretty much the same - as both people are paying half each time, instead of alternating with one person paying the entire thing, and the next time the other person paying the entire thing. It isn't rude, or classless, or any of the other negative things that have been mentioned. Being judgemental, on the other hand - or not understanding that maybe not everyone could pay the entire bill each time - is creeping towards those things.

I think you’re projecting. That’s not the dynamic here and if you can drop £60 on a takeaway you can likely afford £90.

benning · 19/09/2022 00:11

BMW6 · 19/09/2022 00:00

I'd have said "What! You invited ME for dinner! I'll pay for what we ordered but I'll be damned if I'm paying for yours!"

I really cannot understand how people let themselves get pissed on like this.

Because having an argument with a friend is something people try to avoid? Because they’re put on the spot and don’t know how to react?

I find your post really obtuse.

Original poster
avamiah · 19/09/2022 00:11

@jetadore ,
Thanks
Yes we were invited for dinner and a catch up.
It wasn’t a girls night in with alcohol flowing were yes you might order a takeaway and everybody chips in and pays their way.

We were invited for dinner to catch up and for our kids to see each other.

OP posts:
Lucyintheskywithrubies · 19/09/2022 00:13

@whatsup00 you have missed the point entirely. This was not a pre-arranged takeaway.

You don't invite someone to your home for dinner, accept gifts and then say let's get a takeaway and THEN expect them to pay, even worse more than they would actually owe.

Original poster
avamiah · 19/09/2022 00:14

Oh this is one of my orchids ( sorry for the wrong spelling earlier).lol
Its similar to the one I bought my friend.

Asked to pay half towards a takeaway in friends home.
OP posts:
Friday123 · 19/09/2022 00:16

That's a crazy amount for a takeaway. If I'm ordering a takeaway with a friend (even if it's their suggestion) I repeatedly say how much it is and check they're cool with that and say we could just put some chips in, take a walk to the local supermarket. What kind of a world do you live in where you can afford £45 for a takeaway meal for one night?!

ScrambledEggsOnToast2 · 19/09/2022 00:16

Making you pay half is rude when she ordered way more, but I wouldn't go around to someone's house and expect them to pay for my takeaway (Id expect them to ask me for money for what I ordered though), much like if a friend said let's go out for a meal, I'd never expect them to pay just because they suggested it. I have no idea what someone having a large nice home has anything to do with it, you can have a large nice home and not have much money spare if you are paying for a large nice home. Even if my friend was wealthy I still wouldn't expect them to pay for my food, that's an odd way to look at your friends!

withgraceinmyheart · 19/09/2022 00:20

Is she a single Mum to three kids, or was her partner away too? Either way, not surprised she didn’t fancy cooking for you all. Sounds like she meant to offer you company and was thinking you’d work out food together.

I don’t think either of you were bu, just a difference in expectations.

I’d probably have done the same as your friend in suggesting an even split for the bill, especially with something like Chinese where everyone’s shared the dishes so you can’t work out whose had what. I wouldn’t want to be sat there working out who’d had a pancake and who hadn’t! If you’re not happy with that you need to just say so.