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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to pay half towards a takeaway in friends home.

432 replies

avamiah · 18/09/2022 22:48

I visited my friends home recently with my 12 year old and she has 3 kids herself and lives in a very nice large home( just for information).I took some gifts for them then early evening she said there was a great Chinese nearby and should we order a takeaway?
Great idea I ordered a few dishes for me and my daughter and she ordered 5 dishes for her and her 3 children.
She then said that’s £92 and just give her £45 .
I was speechless as we were guests in her home and she invited us for dinner and I was scrambling through my purse as I had my cards on me and only just had enough cash to give her.

I would never do that to a guest in my home and I felt really uncomfortable afterwards.

Just wondered what you think as it’s been bugging me.
Thanks

OP posts:
teaginandlaughter · 18/09/2022 23:33

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps exactly what you've said

Noteverybodylives · 18/09/2022 23:33

Whenever I go to a friends or they come to mine and we order a takeaway we always split the bill.
Unless one of us has ordered much more than we’d just pay for our own.

But we’d never expect one person to pay for the entire meal!

Original poster
avamiah · 18/09/2022 23:35

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps ,

Yes I was taken back and it’s really been on my mind as i have no problem going to a restaurant but I was in her home and yes £45 is a lot of money .

OP posts:
Anon778833 · 18/09/2022 23:35

Noteverybodylives · 18/09/2022 23:33

Whenever I go to a friends or they come to mine and we order a takeaway we always split the bill.
Unless one of us has ordered much more than we’d just pay for our own.

But we’d never expect one person to pay for the entire meal!

But the OP was invited for dinner.

NoSquirrels · 18/09/2022 23:36

£90 for 6 people is £15pp, so splitting it fairly would have been £30 you, £60 your ‘host’.

If she invited you for dinner then she’s a very poor host, and the unequal split of the bill is grabby too.

But you do need to speak up in these scenarios.

And PLEASE clear up the orchard thing!

rattlemehearties · 18/09/2022 23:37

OP do you know how to spell orchid? Other posters are taking the piss as you wrote orchard.

Anyway, I think it depends how it was asked and how you discussed the money. If I were suggesting a takeaway unplanned I might ask guest to contribute. If I'd specifically invited them over for a meal, then that's up to me to pay. It seems like you were put on the spot and not clear on the arrangement

StClare101 · 18/09/2022 23:37

midlifecrash · 18/09/2022 23:24

I think it’s horrible to invite someone for dinner, implying you’re providing food, and then order takeaway, and then accept them paying for more than they actually ordered. Just shitty behaviour

And on top of that to get them to pay half when they’ve bought you Prosecco and a gift for hosting!

Kite22 · 18/09/2022 23:38

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 18/09/2022 23:29

This 100%. Very poor etiquette and totally classless. When our DD and her fiance come to ours - or we invite anyone else - and we choose to get a takeaway, we ALWAYS pay. Why WOULDN'T we?

It would be like having someone over for dinner and preparing/cooking it, and then telling your guests they have to pay £25-30 towards it..... Just shocking behaviour.

Show quote history

It's not classless at all.
As ever, some people on here seem to be oblivious to so many other people's financial situation.
We have many, many times got together with friends for a takeaway and none of us would be so arrogant to assume ANY of us could afford to pay for everyone's. We are much more sensitive to people's financial situations it seems than some people who mistakenly think they have "more class".

MamMedusa · 18/09/2022 23:38

avamiah · 18/09/2022 22:48

I visited my friends home recently with my 12 year old and she has 3 kids herself and lives in a very nice large home( just for information).I took some gifts for them then early evening she said there was a great Chinese nearby and should we order a takeaway?
Great idea I ordered a few dishes for me and my daughter and she ordered 5 dishes for her and her 3 children.
She then said that’s £92 and just give her £45 .
I was speechless as we were guests in her home and she invited us for dinner and I was scrambling through my purse as I had my cards on me and only just had enough cash to give her.

I would never do that to a guest in my home and I felt really uncomfortable afterwards.

Just wondered what you think as it’s been bugging me.
Thanks

I would've paid my share and nothing more, nothing less. We usually always get takeaways at family meet ups etc and we all just pay our share plus an extra £1 or two towards the tip.

purpliee · 18/09/2022 23:40

Oh, you brought a bottle of Prosecco and an orchid flower/plant? I presumed 'orchard' was the brand name of a wine.

JudgeJ · 18/09/2022 23:40

avamiah · 18/09/2022 22:57

I was invited for dinner as in she was cooking it and she ordered for herself and her 3 children and she asked me what we wanted so I ordered a few dishes.

I was just a bit shocked as she never said she was going to order a Chinese.

If you're invited to dinner then the hostess should pay. Would the OP be expected to pay half of the meal of the hostess had cooked ot herself?

Dontsayyouloveme · 18/09/2022 23:40

You took drinks and a gift… in thanks for her proving you with dinner.. no matter what form that took… I think your friend is a CF for asking for any money off you!

chaosmaker · 18/09/2022 23:40

@avamiah what do you mean by orchard?

Kite22 · 18/09/2022 23:41

OP do you know how to spell orchid? Other posters are taking the piss as you wrote orchard.

Not taking the piss at all. Genuinely wanted to know what it was. People use words on here all the time that I've never heard before.

Original poster
avamiah · 18/09/2022 23:41

Lucyintheskywithrubies · 18/09/2022 23:33

Originally thought YABU but now I have changed my mind. YANBU. Also fact that you took gifts clearly shows you thought it was a dinner invite.

Thanks
Yes she invited us for dinner so I took a her a orchard because they last longer than flowers and she likes plants and a bottle of Prosecco to have with the dinner.

OP posts:
FirstAidKitNowPlease · 18/09/2022 23:43

ahhhhh an orchid!

saraclara · 18/09/2022 23:43

avamiah · 18/09/2022 23:24

@tricky29 ,
Her husband was away so she said come over let’s catch up and she would do dinner and we could have a few drinks and that it would be great for the kids to catch up.

In that case (and I'm believe you or why what would you take an orchid and some prosecco as a gift?) she's a CF.

SunshineAndSummer · 18/09/2022 23:43

I pay for my guests. Either feeding them home cooking or paying for takeout. My friends do the same. But that is in mine and friends upbringing/culture.

Kite22 · 18/09/2022 23:43

However, when she said let's order a takeaway / delivery, you could easily have said "Oh, I've not got much money on me, I thought you were making us something for dinner". It's not like you didn't know until it appeared.

Lucyintheskywithrubies · 18/09/2022 23:44

Kite22 · 18/09/2022 23:43

However, when she said let's order a takeaway / delivery, you could easily have said "Oh, I've not got much money on me, I thought you were making us something for dinner". It's not like you didn't know until it appeared.

It's easy to say that now but in the moment you would be stunned and feel so awkward. It's embarrassing to say you can't afford it either. This is totally on the friend not OP.

NoSquirrels · 18/09/2022 23:45

Orchid! Ah, OK.

Not being snarky, I honestly didn’t put that together.

Original poster
avamiah · 18/09/2022 23:45

Sorry yes a orchid .
I have 5 of them in my home at the moment .

M&S have them on sale at the moment .

OP posts:
PeachCottonTree · 18/09/2022 23:47

YANBU she invited you for dinner then changed her mind to order takeaway. She should have paid.

Had she suggested a takeaway when inviting you then it’s not unreasonable to expect you to pay for your share, but definitely not pay for one of her kids too which is what she ended up doing.

Gymnopedie · 18/09/2022 23:49

Is this becoming a thing? There was an almost identical thread a few weeks ago - different cast, same plotline.

Hopefully we'll all know how to react if it happens to us!

jetadore · 18/09/2022 23:51

Disclaimer: I am not ethnically British. But the thought of inviting someone to my home for dinner and then asking them to pay for the food is absolutely shameful. If you can’t host someone properly then don’t do it. OP was invited for dinner, the fact dinner was a takeaway is neither here nor there; it’s up to the host to provide it. Even if she wasn’t explicitly invited for dinner, inviting someone to your house and not feeding them properly is an insult and a massive loss of face. In my book it would have been more polite to diplomatically end the visit before dinner. If OP had declined the takeaway would the host have sat there and eaten a meal in front of her and her daughter? If the host had cooked would they have asked op to pay for half the ingredients? Says a lot about British culture, as does the consensus of replies on here. Inviting someone to your home and sharing a meal is one of the greatest demonstrations of friendship. Even a simple meal, doesn’t have to be from the posh Chinese (which rather suggests it’s all about status and appearances rather than consideration and friendship). Supposedly Christian county, Jesus and his fish and all that, looking down on the world with your superior morals, home is your castle, can’t even spot your guests a takeaway.
I must say I have been to many friends’ houses and this has never happened so I think in this case MN is out of touch with reality (or I travel in better circles).