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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to pay half towards a takeaway in friends home.

432 replies

avamiah · 18/09/2022 22:48

I visited my friends home recently with my 12 year old and she has 3 kids herself and lives in a very nice large home( just for information).I took some gifts for them then early evening she said there was a great Chinese nearby and should we order a takeaway?
Great idea I ordered a few dishes for me and my daughter and she ordered 5 dishes for her and her 3 children.
She then said that’s £92 and just give her £45 .
I was speechless as we were guests in her home and she invited us for dinner and I was scrambling through my purse as I had my cards on me and only just had enough cash to give her.

I would never do that to a guest in my home and I felt really uncomfortable afterwards.

Just wondered what you think as it’s been bugging me.
Thanks

OP posts:
Lougle · 18/09/2022 22:59

avamiah · 18/09/2022 22:57

I was invited for dinner as in she was cooking it and she ordered for herself and her 3 children and she asked me what we wanted so I ordered a few dishes.

I was just a bit shocked as she never said she was going to order a Chinese.

But at the point that she asked you what you wanted, you did know. Did you think she was treating you?

MaggieFS · 18/09/2022 23:00

If she invited you over for dinner and then chose to order takeaway, she should have paid for it.

If you'd mutually arranged it meet and get food and it was more convenient to do so at her's, for example you should have split it.

Even so, you shouldn't have paid 50% if there were only two of you and four of them.

Scoundrella · 18/09/2022 23:00

I would expect to pay for what I ordered in that situation unless the idea was you all shared all the dishes then half would be fine.

MaggieFS · 18/09/2022 23:00

(I've assumed you didn't take the piss and order something outrageous).

Blackcatsarethebest · 18/09/2022 23:01

What did you order? That sounds stupidly expensive. Myself and daughter had curry, fried rice, 2 chips, 2 curry sauce, prawn crackers. Was about £16. I wouldn’t be paying half unless I’d ordered that much. Not relevant, I wouldn’t have had £45 spare for it anyway

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2022 23:01

Friend: Let’s get a takeaway
You: I’m watching finances at the moment so we’ll eat at home
Friend: Don’t worry, my treat or fair enough, thanks for a great day

That’s an insane amount of money for two adults and a few DC. Insane. Were you eating whole roast ducks?!

And you know she ordered 5 dishes. How many were your “few”?

Original poster
avamiah · 18/09/2022 23:01

Pleasecouldihavesomeadvice · 18/09/2022 22:58

How much would your share of dishes have come to?

About £24
Just to say I took her a orchard and a bottle of Prosecco.

OP posts:
TwinkleChristmas · 18/09/2022 23:03

I would of expected to pay.

I wouldn’t of paid £45 though. I would if paid for what I ordered.

Oliverfunyuns · 18/09/2022 23:03

If someone offers to feed me when I'm at their house, I'd expect that it's their treat. Failing that, I'd expect to pay for what I ordered, not to subsidise their own children's meals. She was rude.

Original poster
avamiah · 18/09/2022 23:03

@AnneLovesGilbert , lol
She ordered half crispy duck and pancakes and said it was to share but I didn’t get a pancake but my daughter got one .🫣

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 18/09/2022 23:04

Are you sure you didn't go for the day, then overstayed and she didn't have enough food in for you and your daughter as she hadn't planned for you to stay that long?

You would have just paid for what I'd ordered. It must have been very tasty food. A takeaway for two people here wouldn't cost more than £25, and then there would be loads left over.

MyneighbourisTotoro · 18/09/2022 23:04

You should have just said you’ll pay for what you ordered, it was unfair for her to ask for half as she ordered more bit personally I’d always expect to pay unless I was told it was their treat.

Olamiamore · 18/09/2022 23:06

Why did you pay £45 if yours came to £24?

I'd have either said no initially if I couldn't afford a takeaway (and made sure it didn't come across as hoping they'd then pay). Or, if having the takeaway, when asked for the £45, would have just said, politely, I'll pay you for what we had as can't afford more than that.

If my friend got annoyed by any of the above, I wouldn't think she was much of a friend and wouldn't let it worry me!

Sprat12 · 18/09/2022 23:06

What kind of takeaway charges £92 for that amount of food?! That's mental

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2022 23:07

X post on being invited for dinner.

Since that was the case - which you didn’t say at the start - she offered you food and if she couldn’t be arsed cooking she should have paid for the takeaway. If she’d cooked she wouldn’t have charged you for half the ingredients, one would hope.

Sprat12 · 18/09/2022 23:07

Also, yes you are being precious to expect her to pay for it all

Aria2015 · 18/09/2022 23:07

If I invited someone for dinner but then opted for a takeaway last minute for ease, I'd pay for it as it wasn't preplanned and if I'd cooked a meal (which they would have been expecting), they'd have paid nothing. If I invite friends over and we agree a take away beforehand, then I'd expect us all to split it, as it was prearranged.

So I think given she'd invited you for dinner with no mention of a takeaway, she should have paid. If you'd have known, you'd have probably altered how generous you were with the gifts you bought to even out the fact you'd be paying for a take away. Also, she was cheeky to ask for half, when you ordered much less.

Original poster
avamiah · 18/09/2022 23:07

Can I just say that it wasn’t the local Chinese takeaway she ordered from, it was from her favourite Chinese restaurant.
Also we are in London but my dishes only came to £24 .

OP posts:
justasmalltownmum · 18/09/2022 23:09

avamiah · 18/09/2022 23:07

Can I just say that it wasn’t the local Chinese takeaway she ordered from, it was from her favourite Chinese restaurant.
Also we are in London but my dishes only came to £24 .

So if your dishes came to £24 why didn't you say here is £25?

Onlyforcake · 18/09/2022 23:10

I don't get it. She invited you but then expected you to pay, without any discussion of expectation? Weird. Not welcoming at all. But at least you're not obliged to return the "hosting" as she did fuck all on that score.

Fundays12 · 18/09/2022 23:10

I would pay for my own meal and my child's meal. Why should she pay for you and your child's takeaway? If she is kind enough to put you up don't take advantage of her by expecting her to pay for your dinner.

hattie43 · 18/09/2022 23:10

I think if she invited you to dinner ie she's cooking it's a cheek , if you sat down to egg and chips she wouldn't expect to pay , however if the invitation was come over we'll eat and then a takeaway is ordered yes you pay . I can't believe you and your daughter are £45 worth of food though Confused

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 18/09/2022 23:12

She suggested a Chinese takeaway, you agreed, therefore I would assume I'd be paying for what I ordered. You could of said no. Then you pay for what you ordered, simple as that.

PretzelLady · 18/09/2022 23:12

Hmmmm if I'd invited someone for dinner and then not actually bothered to cook anything but suggested takeaway instead, there is no way I'd expect them to pay. Terrible hosting.

Different if you agree in advance that you're going to order takeaway together. Then I would split it

AnnaBlush · 18/09/2022 23:14

I can understand your perspective totally. If I was invited to a meal at a friends house for home cooked meal, I would bring maybe small gift and desert. Then it would feel fair.
Alternatively if it was a very close friend we would just take turns cooking dinner- we might not always bother with token gifts

On the other hand, I regularly go to a friends house for take-away and it is presumed 50/50 split ( on these occasions I would tend not to bring small gift/ desert) Thinking back on family events over the year- it is not unusual to split the bill . Although the plan to get a take-away is usually communicated in advance. ( With friends sometimes the host will insist on paying ‘my treat’ scenario. I have done that on occasions, but equally I expect a friend to offer)

I would be disappointed in the suggested 50/50 split though. You would think she would have least called it £40 you £52 her family
I get you are disappointed especially making an effort to bring gifts - but equally I don’t think it’s shocking splitting it

If a takeaway had been planned/ communicated I would prefer that. Sometimes people suggest take-aways as they are self conscious of their cooking. Equally if I did not want to pay/ go halfers for a takeaway I would offer to bring something simple. I do think suggesting it when you were in house was poor, like what if you couldn’t afford it might be awkward to say no- do you have food in house we can cook ( if you didn’t know person well)

Friends all have their individual ways- so I would take it as insight/ lesson learned re their patterns