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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to pay half towards a takeaway in friends home.

432 replies

avamiah · 18/09/2022 22:48

I visited my friends home recently with my 12 year old and she has 3 kids herself and lives in a very nice large home( just for information).I took some gifts for them then early evening she said there was a great Chinese nearby and should we order a takeaway?
Great idea I ordered a few dishes for me and my daughter and she ordered 5 dishes for her and her 3 children.
She then said that’s £92 and just give her £45 .
I was speechless as we were guests in her home and she invited us for dinner and I was scrambling through my purse as I had my cards on me and only just had enough cash to give her.

I would never do that to a guest in my home and I felt really uncomfortable afterwards.

Just wondered what you think as it’s been bugging me.
Thanks

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 19/09/2022 13:21

She doesn't sound like a friend.

She keeps taking advantage of you....but you are allowing it

Lalalolol · 19/09/2022 13:22

mirax · 19/09/2022 05:14

I am not British and have experience of many different cultures and I agree with you. It is shocking how so many here mock OP for her spelling mistake and castigate her for being thoughtless! If there is a miscommunication, say the host did not intend to provide dinner, then the guest showing up with potted plant and wine should have set her straight. I totally believe OP about the cost of her gift - 26 quid sounds right- and it is a pretty normal thing to take around for a dinner invite. OP clarified that the friend lived in a comfortable house and was ordering from a favourite restaurant - hardly the signs of impoverishment! So all the self righteous talk about being sensitive to someone's financial circumstances falls flat. The host was not sensitive to OP's lack of cash. I would hardly expect people to be carrying around almost 50 quid in cash.

I nvited friends to dinner on Sat but was too exhausted to cook. So I ordered food before they arrived and apologised for not cooking.It was totally on me to provide dinner, no matter what form it took. The sort of behaviour OP was subjected to would be considered totally shabby in many cultures.

Show quote history

To be fair, CFs exist in all cultures. I am from Asia, a country known for its hospitality,and generosity towards guests but even there I have met with a few CFs, not necessarily in the exact scenario but borrowing money, not returning, sharing a meal and forgetting to pay, getting someone to help you and then forget to pay for a cost you incurred to help, at a bigger scale paying their house workers really shabby pay. I have also lived in a few other countries and met all sort of people. I think some people are just cheap as and selfish irrespective of their cultural background. Op's friend is a CF here

Opaljewel · 19/09/2022 13:22

And if I was invited for dinner then it get changed to a takeaway then so be it. I wouldn't cry about it and make a thread. Op could always have said no or asked if she was paying for it before the ordering of the takeaway.

I'm sure I'll get told how unreasonable I am but I think there are bigger things to worry about in friendships.

Opaljewel · 19/09/2022 13:23

It was changed*

LongLivedQueen · 19/09/2022 13:25

Opaljewel · 19/09/2022 13:20

I have the thread oh sanctimonious one. 🙄

I still would pay my half for a take away. If they were cooking themselves then no I wouldn't pay towards that obviously.

My friends do invite me over to have a takeaway at their house but never would I expect them to pay for it?

I am socialising with them but I don't expect them to cover me and my kids if I had any. I just think that's cheeky.

And yes I've taken things before like dessert or whatnot.

Wow, still not getting it! Impressively obtuse.

saraclara · 19/09/2022 13:32

Op could always have said no or asked if she was paying for it before the ordering of the takeaway.

Yep we all do that. Invited for dinner, and bearing gifts, when our friend decides to get a takeaway we ask "have I got to pay for it?"

Paigeycakey · 19/09/2022 13:33

Opaljewel · 19/09/2022 13:22

And if I was invited for dinner then it get changed to a takeaway then so be it. I wouldn't cry about it and make a thread. Op could always have said no or asked if she was paying for it before the ordering of the takeaway.

I'm sure I'll get told how unreasonable I am but I think there are bigger things to worry about in friendships.

Sorry but when you have 3 kids I think you should have more awareness. Are you saying you pay for 3 kids meals when you dine out with friends?

Give over

Lalalolol · 19/09/2022 13:42

luxxlisbon · 19/09/2022 08:13

I was speechless as we were guests in her home and she invited us for dinner and I was scrambling through my purse as I had my cards on me and only just had enough cash to give her.

Why does her having a big house or her inviting you over mean she should pay for your takeaway though?
This is really weird to me that you are so shocked about this. It’s completely normal to pay your own way.

Having big house means, that she is not financially struggling. Also, Op paid for more than her share. Op's share was £24 for two versus friend's £68 for four. Plus OP got friend a gift and prosecco.
Fyi, Op was invited for dinner, not takeaway sharing.

mondaytosunday · 19/09/2022 13:47

I'd expect to contribute to a takeaway, but she should have made it clear that's what she was planning on doing. Plus she should have paid two thirds.
Most of my friend would refuse offers to pay (as I would).

Loveatakeawaybut · 19/09/2022 13:53

A pp has commented about cultural practice and I think you’d find that some would be horrified at the idea of inviting someone to their home and expecting them to pay for their meal. So even if a takeaway was on the cards they’d pay for it.

Different ideas of hosting I suppose.

helpmep · 19/09/2022 13:54

nope i would never ever expect a guest in my house to pay for food, if i couldn't afford a takeaway i would cook at home from scratch to keep costs down but i would always see feeding them as my responsibility.

benning · 19/09/2022 15:31

excelledyourself · 19/09/2022 10:10

In fairness, its in the OP and was not revealed later.

No it isn't. OP didn't mention being invited over for dinner beforehand. Chinese was suggested while she was there and the suggestion was shall "we" order?

I don't agree with how much OP paid, but she didn't say dinner was part of the plans originally.

It literally is in the OP! Read it again.

Loveatakeawaybut · 19/09/2022 16:22

Why are people not bothering to read the Op?!

“I was speechless as we were guests in her home and she invited us for dinner”

sorrynotathome · 19/09/2022 17:29

avamiah · 19/09/2022 07:22

That is a weird thing to say?
Why would @marblemad say that?

Show quote history

I can only presume that @marblemad was trying to look cool.

Isitsixoclockalready · 19/09/2022 17:37

Opaljewel · 19/09/2022 13:22

And if I was invited for dinner then it get changed to a takeaway then so be it. I wouldn't cry about it and make a thread. Op could always have said no or asked if she was paying for it before the ordering of the takeaway.

I'm sure I'll get told how unreasonable I am but I think there are bigger things to worry about in friendships.

If we went on that logic we'd never have threads on here.

SeanMean · 19/09/2022 17:41

YANBU.
she invited you to dinner so of course she should pay.

Ofcourseshecan · 19/09/2022 17:53

teaginandlaughter · 18/09/2022 23:21

If I was to invite my friend over for dinner I would have either paid for takeaway or cooked/brought stuff for dinner! The fact you took gifts suggests you thought she was providing dinner. This is such poor hosting on her part!

I agree. If you invite someone to a meal you don’t charge them for it!

IAmAReader · 19/09/2022 18:15

I suspect most in the poll haven't RTFT because comments are overwhelmingly in the OP's favour but yet currently the majority (51%) have voted that she was BU.

It's the only thing I can think of to explain such a strange outcome 😂and tbf there are a fair few who have posted to say they changed their mind to NBU, after voting, when they realised she was invited for dinner.

Tigertigertigertiger · 19/09/2022 18:26

Your friend is out of order by inviting you for dinner and not providing it.

on top of that , getting you to pay way more than your share if beyond rude.

Loveatakeawaybut · 19/09/2022 18:48

@Opaljewel - would you sincerely not have felt hard done by had your friend invited you for dinner, then suggested a takeaway which you had to pay more than your fair share for???!

And as for asking if she had to pay for the takeaway before agreeing to it - I can’t think of anything more awkward!

She shouldn’t have been put in that position. It was plain rude.

BobbysGirly · 19/09/2022 20:27

If your friend invited you for dinner and then decided she CBA to cook and wanted to get a takeaway instead she should have picked up the tab.

If I arrange a takeaway night with friends we pay for what we ordered.

OP you paid twice as much for what you ordered. Why? You’re DF is a CF. I guess you know that now.

For the poster who said she paid over £12 for pie and chips… Well more fool you! Pie and chips from our local chippy is less than £5. I still wouldn’t pay it.

RisingSunn · 20/09/2022 22:56

This makes me uncomfortable to start threads. I know it’s a public forum but still…
: www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/woman-left-really-uncomfortable-after-28034341?fbclid=IwAR3d8VzBMgKkXXYyKnYNOe7hryAR-IU5t2R12KjdRiUV1C4-piwDBZOeax8#l8aqbtu7wz8gwcd3me

benning · 20/09/2022 23:12

Extremely lazy journalism.

(Bet they won’t quote that.)

Mothership4two · 21/09/2022 02:00

I understood your point @marblemad I just didn't think it was relevant. It's been established that the OP was invited to dinner so she should have paid 0% therefore anything over that was too much in reality whether it's £1 or £45 IMO

BTW writing in capitals is considered shouting on here

LoisLane66 · 21/09/2022 02:02

If someone invites me to dinner or lunch at their home, it's never expected or even thought that I or any other guest would or will pay a red cent. My friends would be mortified if I offered. It's just not the done thing. They offer hospitality and you may take a small gift, nothing OTT and certainly not champagne or bubbles PLUS a plant. It would have to be a very special occasion to warrant that spend.