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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to pay half towards a takeaway in friends home.

432 replies

avamiah · 18/09/2022 22:48

I visited my friends home recently with my 12 year old and she has 3 kids herself and lives in a very nice large home( just for information).I took some gifts for them then early evening she said there was a great Chinese nearby and should we order a takeaway?
Great idea I ordered a few dishes for me and my daughter and she ordered 5 dishes for her and her 3 children.
She then said that’s £92 and just give her £45 .
I was speechless as we were guests in her home and she invited us for dinner and I was scrambling through my purse as I had my cards on me and only just had enough cash to give her.

I would never do that to a guest in my home and I felt really uncomfortable afterwards.

Just wondered what you think as it’s been bugging me.
Thanks

OP posts:
billy1966 · 19/09/2022 09:23

namechangeagain123456 · 19/09/2022 09:10

My friend did this to me a few weeks ago - she invited me for lunch and then said she couldn't be bothered cooking so ordered a takeaway for me, her, her DH and her DC and then said 'oh it's £35 so just send me half'. So I paid £17.50 for a cheese toastie because I'm too polite to say anything x

It's not politeness that prevented you.

It's that you are a mug and this woman knows it.

She's certainly not a friend.

KassandraOfSparta · 19/09/2022 09:29

You weren't speechless.

You chose not to say anything, and that's not the same thing at all.

JinglingHellsBells · 19/09/2022 09:30

I say she was a cheeky so and so.

For a start, she had 4 people to feed and you had 2.

If you were invited for dinner, you'd expect dinner, not to fork out £45 for a takeaway.

She might have said 'Do you fancy a Chinese? My treat.'

Posters who are comparing it to not paying for your own dinner in a restaurant- how is that even vaguely the same thing? @OnTheRunWithMannyMontana

You were invited to her house, not to a restaurant.

MissCatLady · 19/09/2022 09:30

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Like you, if I was invited round for dinner I would expect the host to provide food. She should not have asked for half towards the takeaway, she was being a CF. I would accept paying for my share of food but still be annoyed that this wasn't based on the original invite.

Ellatella · 19/09/2022 09:32

If I invited people round for dinner then couldn't be bothered to cook so ordered a takeaway, I would pay for it. Especially if my guest travelled to see me and brought me a gift.

LongLivedQueen · 19/09/2022 09:33

Puppers · 18/09/2022 22:53

You expected your friend to pay for a takeaway for you and your child? There is a CF in the story and it isn’t your mate.

She was invited over for dinner, she's not the CF

Libre55 · 19/09/2022 09:33

She ordered 5 dishes and it cost £68 for her share? Was Ken Hom doing the cooking?

JinglingHellsBells · 19/09/2022 09:34

Libre55 · 19/09/2022 09:33

She ordered 5 dishes and it cost £68 for her share? Was Ken Hom doing the cooking?

Read the thread.

It was from a restaurant that delivered, not a 'takeaway'.

Bestcatmum · 19/09/2022 09:35

Disgraceful behaviour. You should only have paid for what you ordered not have had to pay for some of hers as well the absolute CF. I'd have got up and gone home. She didn't say anything about a takeaway you were invited to her house and you bought gifts like any guest would.
I have no longer got time for such behaviour and won't tolerate it.
If that had been me during my single mum years that would have been 2 weeks grocery money. We would have gone hungry.

Beachbreak2411 · 19/09/2022 09:35

FirstAidKitNowPlease · 18/09/2022 23:43

ahhhhh an orchid!

That just clicked for me too!!

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 19/09/2022 09:38

JinglingHellsBells · 19/09/2022 09:30

I say she was a cheeky so and so.

For a start, she had 4 people to feed and you had 2.

If you were invited for dinner, you'd expect dinner, not to fork out £45 for a takeaway.

She might have said 'Do you fancy a Chinese? My treat.'

Posters who are comparing it to not paying for your own dinner in a restaurant- how is that even vaguely the same thing? @OnTheRunWithMannyMontana

You were invited to her house, not to a restaurant.

In fairness OP hadn't revealed that she had been invited for dinner when I responded.

I am in agreement with the majority now the full story is out!

LongLivedQueen · 19/09/2022 09:41

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 19/09/2022 09:38

In fairness OP hadn't revealed that she had been invited for dinner when I responded.

I am in agreement with the majority now the full story is out!

Show quote history

In fairness, its in the OP and was not revealed later.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/09/2022 09:42

Cant believe the responses on here.

If you invite someone round for dinner at your house but dont bother to cook, you don't charge them to eat! You've implied you will be arranging the food. Its really rude to change the goalposts when someone is already at your house and when they've brought gifts, which is normally done when someone is hosting you.

Its completely different if you say 'fancy getting a takeaway at ours on friday' and they turn up empty handed.

She is a total CF. Even if there was some misunderstanding and she doesn't get how rude she has been with the takeaway, any situation where there are 4 in your party and 2 in the other and they insist on splitting the bill rather than paying for what they ate when their share is double yours, is really selfish. Though I do think you had some responsibility here to say 'oh I only ordered £25 worth of food so I'd rather put £25 in.'

adriftabroad · 19/09/2022 09:42

Err, in fairness...
OP

I was speechless as we were guests in her home and she invited us for dinner and I was scrambling through my purse as I had my cards on me and only just had enough cash to give her.

Chocolat · 19/09/2022 09:43

Personally If I invite friends for dinner, I would usually either order the takeout before they come/cook and wouldn’t expect them to pay.
However if they were already here and we decided to order takeaway and choose what we each wanted, I would expect them to pay for what they ordered and vice versa if they invited us. Hope that makes sense.

I do think it was unreasonable for her to expect you to pay half though!

Pleasecouldihavesomeadvice · 19/09/2022 09:45

ah it’s a little tricky.
In fairness, you have overpaid for your ‘share’.

I suppose in her head, she just thought let’s split it 50/50 not clicking in her head that she had far more than you. It sounds like she doesn’t have any money worries, so it didn’t enter her head to consider splitting it fairly.

it’s a little bit like going to a restaurant and splitting it 4 ways (faster) vs going through and working out what everyone has ordered and totting up the exact amounts (more cumbersome and daffy)

GraceandMolly · 19/09/2022 09:48

Each should have paid for their own food.

adriftabroad · 19/09/2022 09:50

She was INVITED TO DINNER at her friends house, with her DD.To see her friends twin DDs and older son.

They did not arrange to meet is a restaurant.

maddening · 19/09/2022 09:50

If you invite someone to yours for dinner it suggests you are providing the food, how you provide it is up to you, whether you pay for food from the supermarket and prepare it yourself or you outsource to a takeaway it is you paying.

If you want to have a takeaway which is funded communally then you say that upfront and agree the terms of payment (splitting or paying for what you have) up front.

The ops friend indicated it was the first and failed to agree terms of payment upfront and is therefore either a dick or a cf

NewDogOwner · 19/09/2022 09:54

That does change things. It's not OK to invite someone over for dinner and then change the plans and expect them to pay for the food without telling them in advance.

User47484739478474 · 19/09/2022 09:57

I would have paid for what I ordered so whatever that figure was.

do you mean you expected her to pay for all of it? If so, YABU.

Raul57 · 19/09/2022 09:59

In the OP's situation I would have never gone back to that person house

Scout2016 · 19/09/2022 10:05

Please tell me you at least got to drink some of the prosecco.

I hate things like this OP. We went to stay with wealthy relatives for a weekend and there was the assumption on their part that we would be fine with pub lunches and going halves on takeaways. We aren't wealthy but you can't very well say "no, I'd rather you cook for me or give me access to your kitchen and I'll cook." Prices of meals round their way easily 50% plus on what they are near us too.

bringincrazyback · 19/09/2022 10:05

User47484739478474 · 19/09/2022 09:57

I would have paid for what I ordered so whatever that figure was.

do you mean you expected her to pay for all of it? If so, YABU.

Have you read the OP's update? The OP's friend had invited her to dinner originally claiming she was going to cook.

Isitsixoclockalready · 19/09/2022 10:05

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 18/09/2022 22:58

Why on earth would you expect her to stump up for the entire takeaway?

Would you expect her to pay the full bill if she had suggested dinner in a restaurant?

This is a little disingenuous as there is a difference between being invited over to dinner and then discovering that the person isn't cooking but wants to get a takeaway. If the person concerned had gone ahead and cooked, you wouldn't have presumably thought that it would be ok for the host to charge for preparation and that ingredients?

Maybe with hindsight the OP could have said "I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to afford a takeaway" but it sounds like the host did change the goalposts.

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