Page 5 | How to ask to only pay for what we have ordered on a meal out?

wonderingwanderer2 · 2022-09-18T16:59:55+00:00

I’m due to go for a meal out with 3 old colleagues next week and, due to a couple of unexpected expenses this month, money is tight. I could afford a main and a drink but I’m worried that the others might also order starters/alcohol/numerous drinks and then just split the bill between 4 at the end, which I probably wouldn’t be able to afford. How can I ask politely that we only pay for ourselves separately?

Aprilx · 19/09/2022 07:37

properdoughnut · 19/09/2022 07:30

I think you've just got lucky tbh. I often go out in a group where one or two people will just have a main and soft drinks and others go the full 3 courses and wine. It works OK for us to sort of roughly work out how much the nondrinkers/smaller eaters pay and then split the rest. It doesn't have to be exact numbers but there's usually a significant difference, especially if the big drinkers are out!

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I have been lucky for 30 odd years of socialising then! And I have always found people match as in “are we having starters?” that kind of thing whilst perusing the menu. So yes, no more than a couple of quid tops and I don’t care if I spend a couple of quid extra on a friend and it might balance out the best time anyway. I have also been skint in the past, in that case I don’t go out for dinner.

properdoughnut · 19/09/2022 07:41

Aprilx · 19/09/2022 07:37

I have been lucky for 30 odd years of socialising then! And I have always found people match as in “are we having starters?” that kind of thing whilst perusing the menu. So yes, no more than a couple of quid tops and I don’t care if I spend a couple of quid extra on a friend and it might balance out the best time anyway. I have also been skint in the past, in that case I don’t go out for dinner.

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Yeah it only takes one or two people in a group to through it out - usually when they start drinking heavily or you have a non drinker. But yeah if everyone is doing the same then it's no biggie.

Goodnesss · 19/09/2022 07:41

Aprilx · 19/09/2022 07:37

I have been lucky for 30 odd years of socialising then! And I have always found people match as in “are we having starters?” that kind of thing whilst perusing the menu. So yes, no more than a couple of quid tops and I don’t care if I spend a couple of quid extra on a friend and it might balance out the best time anyway. I have also been skint in the past, in that case I don’t go out for dinner.

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It's funny you say 'I don't mind spending a couple of quid extra on a friend' but are aghast at the thought of someone just paying for their own when they are skint may leave the tip to you which surely wouldn't be any more than a couple of quid extra?

Not suggesting someone paying for their own shouldn't tip but if they'd told me they were short of money and I valued their company I wouldn't get my pants in a twist over covering their portion of the tip personally.

MsTSwift · 19/09/2022 07:42

I think splitting is much easier and convivial but of course only works when the group have all had broadly similar meals. If someone isn’t drinking or only has one course no reasonable person would expect an equal split.

My group prefer equal split as a penny pinching division is cringe vibe kill and we all hate doing maths!

Can I recommend the app Tricount if you go away with others it’s awesome! You take it in turns to pay for stuff type in what you have paid and for who then at the end of the trip its reckoned up to the last penny and you are told who you pay to equal it off.

Aprilx · 19/09/2022 07:43

Goodnesss · 19/09/2022 07:41

It's funny you say 'I don't mind spending a couple of quid extra on a friend' but are aghast at the thought of someone just paying for their own when they are skint may leave the tip to you which surely wouldn't be any more than a couple of quid extra?

Not suggesting someone paying for their own shouldn't tip but if they'd told me they were short of money and I valued their company I wouldn't get my pants in a twist over covering their portion of the tip personally.

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I am not aghast. I have not said this at all.

properdoughnut · 19/09/2022 07:43

My group prefer equal split as a penny pinching division is cringe vibe kill and we all hate doing maths! it's not a cringe vibe kill if you just round it up to the nearest £1.

Bollindger · 19/09/2022 07:44

Long ago my new SIL.
Well 20 of us were out at a carvery, she was drinking cocktails and had wine.
Silently each group went up and paid their bills as they ordered more drinks so at the end of the meal she whips out my brothers credit card and asks for the bill, all flamboyant and looking down on us all as if only she could afford to treat everyone. They tell her it is £50 and her face fell. My DB her husband looks down so she can't see him laughing.
Seems her family always make her pay all the bill.

Jaaxe · 19/09/2022 07:45

The bill paying should be fair for all. I would never expect someone who just got a main and a soft drink when the rest of us got 3 courses and shared bottles of wine etc to have to split the bill.

I do find though it depends who you are out with. As someone who sometimes has to be more mindful what I spend i think I am much more conscious that others may be in this situation too whereas some of my friends have money to throw away and don’t take much notice of what anyones ordering….sometimes therefore when splitting the bill has been suggested (unless we have all spent a fairly equal amount give or take a couple of quid here and there) I will be the first to say “no because X friend only got a main / only got a soft drink / didn’t have any wine ” etc and means my friends don’t even need to feel awkward. I’ve found a lot of my friends will do the same for me….atm I’m pregnant so not drinking and been out for meals and my friends have never suggested we split the bill with their wine in it.

And people saying if you can’t afford to split the bill you shouldn’t go out for a meal are being ridiculous, you’re allowed to go out and socialise and enjoy yourself with friends whilst sticking to a budget. Unless you're a CF who wants other people to subsidise your share nobody should have an issue with only paying for their own. I much prefer it, i wouldn’t want anyone to feel hard done by in splitting the bill or feel unable to speak up, myself included.

Goodnesss · 19/09/2022 07:46

Aprilx · 19/09/2022 07:43

I am not aghast. I have not said this at all.

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Others agreeing with you definitely have at least. Why are you bothered? You can split the bill with the others if you want, no one is stopping you.

Personally to me I'd prefer if if my friend came to the meal even if it meant them being a 'vibe kill' (sounds like you and PPs are such lovely friends), than not come at all because they were worrying about this. In fact if we all could afford it we'd likely all split their meal too rather than banging on about them being embarrassing for pinching pennies and sounding like privileged tossers who couldn't give a shit about our friends.

Aprilx · 19/09/2022 07:50

Goodnesss · 19/09/2022 07:46

Others agreeing with you definitely have at least. Why are you bothered? You can split the bill with the others if you want, no one is stopping you.

Personally to me I'd prefer if if my friend came to the meal even if it meant them being a 'vibe kill' (sounds like you and PPs are such lovely friends), than not come at all because they were worrying about this. In fact if we all could afford it we'd likely all split their meal too rather than banging on about them being embarrassing for pinching pennies and sounding like privileged tossers who couldn't give a shit about our friends.

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Why are you picking on me? I have expressed an opinion like everyone else that has commented. I am no more or less bothered than anyone else.

Aprilx · 19/09/2022 07:51

And I haven’t said “vibe kill” at any point in my life.

Goodnesss · 19/09/2022 07:51

Aprilx · 19/09/2022 07:50

Why are you picking on me? I have expressed an opinion like everyone else that has commented. I am no more or less bothered than anyone else.

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I'm just asking why you and other PPs who share the same opinion would be more bothered about a friend being embarrassing by counting the pennies than just coming and spending time with you? It just doesn't sound very friend like to me.

Goodnesss · 19/09/2022 07:53

It it's only a couple of quid extra and makes no difference maybe decent friends should split the others meal between them so they can still come and not worry about the bill.

buttons123456 · 19/09/2022 07:58

This is why I don't go out for meals with groups anymore . I don't eat much and don't drink and it's ridiculous that people expect you to split it between the party! 🙄

Pizza Hut has an amazing idea where you scan the qr code on your seat and pay for what you order !

All restaurants should do this !

londonlass71 · 19/09/2022 08:00

Sorry but what about service charge? Will you not pay that? I don't have an issue with people only paying for what they order but there is also service charge.

properdoughnut · 19/09/2022 08:03

Goodnesss · 19/09/2022 07:46

Others agreeing with you definitely have at least. Why are you bothered? You can split the bill with the others if you want, no one is stopping you.

Personally to me I'd prefer if if my friend came to the meal even if it meant them being a 'vibe kill' (sounds like you and PPs are such lovely friends), than not come at all because they were worrying about this. In fact if we all could afford it we'd likely all split their meal too rather than banging on about them being embarrassing for pinching pennies and sounding like privileged tossers who couldn't give a shit about our friends.

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Bit much! @Aprilx has explained they've never found themselves in a situation where the few pounds has mattered much. It sounds like they have friends who naturally match, eg. Shall we have a starter. Its a bit off to have a go at someone for simply relating their experience!

MinervaTerrathorn · 19/09/2022 08:04

londonlass71 · 19/09/2022 08:00

Sorry but what about service charge? Will you not pay that? I don't have an issue with people only paying for what they order but there is also service charge.

It would be easy enough to add 15% to what you ordered if you wanted to

Goodnesss · 19/09/2022 08:08

properdoughnut · 19/09/2022 08:03

Bit much! @Aprilx has explained they've never found themselves in a situation where the few pounds has mattered much. It sounds like they have friends who naturally match, eg. Shall we have a starter. Its a bit off to have a go at someone for simply relating their experience!

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I disagree.

The PP I quoted originally quoted another poster who mentioned bringing down the vibe and said 'thats what I was thinking too' and then proceeded to say they thought it was embarrassing to count pennies. I think that makes them sound like a shit friend personally. They'd rather someone didn't come to a meal at all than come and pay for what they can afford and not be 'embarrassing'.

Goodnesss · 19/09/2022 08:14

I just know if to my friend it was the difference between not coming at all to save the 'embarrassment' of having to work out what they'd spent and pay that or coming and 'bringing down the vibe', it wouldn't even be a question. I wouldn't think anything of it and would just be glad they could still come and we could enjoy their company.

Talking about your experience is one thing, saying you think it would be embarrassing for your friend to count pennies when you know they are short is shit imo.

Watermelon46 · 19/09/2022 08:15

Salchipapas · 18/09/2022 19:36

Probably an unpopular opinion but if you are that strapped for cash, just don't go! There is nothing worse than people who won't split the bill and whip out their calculators to work out to the penny what they had-these are usually the people who don't tip! It really brings the vibe down, in many cultures this would be seen as poor manners and mortifying! In my opinion eiher go out and enjoy yourself and split the bill and tip evenly or stay home.

What culture is that?

rookiemere · 19/09/2022 08:20

Goodnesss · 19/09/2022 07:53

It it's only a couple of quid extra and makes no difference maybe decent friends should split the others meal between them so they can still come and not worry about the bill.

Er no.

Absolutely no issues with a friend saying in advance that they just want to pay for their own, but it would feel awkward and artificial to be paying for a friend's meal.

Also can just imagine the person who suggests this " Oh go on Doris have a dessert, we don't mind do we ? "

Don't like being pressured into spending my own money like that.

Goodnesss · 19/09/2022 08:23

rookiemere · 19/09/2022 08:20

Er no.

Absolutely no issues with a friend saying in advance that they just want to pay for their own, but it would feel awkward and artificial to be paying for a friend's meal.

Also can just imagine the person who suggests this " Oh go on Doris have a dessert, we don't mind do we ? "

Don't like being pressured into spending my own money like that.

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Understandable. I wasn't actually suggesting everyone should. But the PP was saying its only a few extra quid so don't come at all if you can't afford it which I think is shit. But if they are really that unbothered by a few extra quid, maybe they could cover their so called friends meal too?

If that's a no, why should the friend cover anyone elses by splitting the bill?

LukesDiner · 19/09/2022 08:24

I came across the phrase 'No Host Dinner' a while back, I think this is great and avoids any embarrassment. It basically means, pay for what you eat and drink. It feels a lot easier to say ' just checking this is a No Host Dinner. OK friends?'

Goodnesss · 19/09/2022 08:27

I just have no clue how some people's go to response to a FRIEND could be ugh I'd rather they not come at all if they are going to be so embarrassing by just paying for what they have, it's only a few quid.

If it's only a few quid and you're so unbothered by it why not offer to pay theirs? If not (which is understandable) then why should they feel obliged to cover some of yours or not come at all?

RampantIvy · 19/09/2022 08:35

Can be very embarrassing if you leave it until everyone starts to order.

I don't think so. It's only on MN where people get embarrassed about being skint.

I would just say when ordering, "I'm a bit strapped for cash this month, so I will just pay for my own food"

That said when going out with a group of friends we all just pay for our own anyway as some are driving and some aren't, and some have pudding and some don't.

Maybe I have better friends who don't judge and who have a strong sense of fairness.