How to decline giving a lift politely

[Anxious32]

We have moved and Son (year 4) has started a new school. We’re having work done to the house so not living there at the moment we are living about 30 minutes away temporarily. NDN son is also in my child’s new school in his class! The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven’t moved there not outwardly asked yet! My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”.

I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport “just because I’m going there too”. Just for context I’m very softly spoken and can be a door mat. Also this is RL so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of “No is a complete sentence”. I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN plus see each other at school.

how can I politely say I don’t want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should “help the poor lady out”. In the past situations like that have results in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friends house. It’s also annoying having to be on same-time each bloody time.

If she mentions how difficult it is getting to school set her expectations by saying something like "Oh I know always such a rush in our house too... but it'll be worse when I get a job ha ha". That should hopefully put her off, if not you need to be blunt "Sorry I can't help with a lift, I find it difficult myself" or "Sorry I'll be going to work" or just "No sorry, it won't work for me". Don't feel guilty!!

I'd say exactly what you've said here - I don't want to get into a commitment cos my hours change and I like being flexible to do what i want after school.

Otherwise it's another 3 years of waiting for someone else's kid, small talk, having to explain illness or early starts. Maybe more if they go to the same secondary.

It's quite a cheeky ask when you've not even moved in yet.

unless you are planning to do something in the evening every evening you’ll also be picking your kid up at the same time as NDN.

That's exactly the thing, I don't want to plan all my evenings ahead. What if we want to drop by the supermarket one evening, maybe not go home but eat out some other evening and go for a nice walk instead of heading straight back the third week? But can't, because need to drive NDN kid home.

Please don't say you're a nervous driver. I hate this narrative to make out that you are a bit weak and pathetic - it will open up a whole new world of CFiness. Stick with not knowing your schedule and you won't go far wrong.

Agree

Why wouldn’t you do a NDN a favour, once you are moved in to your house you really aren’t going out your way.

Because you're setting a precedent. Once you say yes, you'll never get out of it and it's merely a spring board for all the other favours she'll expect.
It's take me a year to wean NDN off my car use without causing upset. I'd get texts saying "I'm going to need you to...."
Not a single please to be found! The best ones were her wanting a lift to the corner shop because it's pissing down and she doesn't want to get wet. We'll I wouldn't get wet staying home on my settee instead of walking out to my car when I don't need the shop. Or taking her to an emergency appointment and expecting me to wait and take her back. Only to find it was a hairdressers and a half hour drive away and not the local doctors or dentist two minutes away.

you have come up with the perfect answer "so sorry but he thing is I don’t know my schedule so don’t want to commit to anything. I am also looking for a new job."

"I'm really sorry, I have to say no. I was doing this for some children at my son's previous school and I became quite resentful about it because it became expected. I'm sure you wouldn't be like that but I not going to do it again".

Just say no. You don’t owe this person anything.
People like this don’t appreciate anything you do for them.

Nip it in the bud now!

Why can't you just drop off? They're year 4 its going to be less if a commitment soon
I doget the picking up after school.

My friends and I commit to one day a week between us. It's a massive help and saves money. I also know I can call on any of them for extra help.

Maybe say you'd expect a contribution to fuel costs as cost of living has risen, may put her off

I did this for quite a while. The boy was nice, almost always on time but I felt very taken advantage of (not even a bottle of wine as a thank you at Christmas!). I also wanted to just think about my children and talk to them. So I'd say 'I really enjoy that time with my child alone, but happy if we help each other out in an emergency' (if you are).

So @Anxious32 - what do you think of all the helpful suggestions on your thread?

Surely one of you does the drop offs and the other one does the pickups. Stupids to have two cars doing the same journey twice a day every day!

Thank you everyone. I do feel it would have been different if she approached it as we would both drive the kids to school n back but she didn’t it seems like she just wants me to do it, interesting what PP About her mother playing a game that the other person gives in due to awkwardness, that’s exactly what I do!

also I don’t know this person and she doesn’t know me so I wouldn’t ask her to drop or pick my child up even if she offered. I’ve not spent more than 15/20 minutes with this person and I am not going to let my child sit in her car! I know I sound over-protective but as far as I’m concerned she’s a stranger, my son has not even had a conversation with her.

had she made hints after we’ve been living next door for a few months that wouldn’t have bothered me as I would have gotten a sense of what they were like as a family.

A woman who had a kid in my DS's class got another school mum (nice mum) to take her kids to school to save her having to put them in breakfast club. She'd already gone through most local parents who stopped doing lifts. Usually because her DS was a troublemaker in school who fell out with everyone.

The Nice mum didn't know how to say no. One morning Nice mum called CF mum and said, "DS is poorly today so we're not going to school" She had called in plenty of time for CFer to get her kids to school and breakfast club doesn't require booking and the school is maybe 500 or 600 yards away and most parents would only drive there on their way to work. Most local kids walk.

CF mum asked why she wouldn't take her kids any way. She expected the woman to either take her poorly kid out in the car or leave him home alone whilst sick.

This is terrible advice. First of all you have no reason to say sorry you have done nothing wrong so don't apologise. Secondly don't invent anybody. Besides lying to the neighbour the kids are going to speak at school and your inadvertently expecting your son to lie on your behalf which can't be good can it?

All the people saying ‘you’re going anyway, where’s the harm?’ - you do realise people are much more open to helping others out when:

• it’s prefaced with some sort of suggestion of it being completely reciprocal

• it’s asked by someone you’ve known more than quarter of an hour.

Most people - especially people like the OP - want to help others out.

They don’t want to be taken advantage of. And that’s OK.

How hard is this to understand?

I hate this kind of thing and have been in a similar situation before.
Along with being restricted in doing as you please before and after school, you are also responsible for someone else’s child - something I am not/would not be comfortable with.
So, just say I’m sorry but I’m not able to help.

The thing is I don’t know my schedule so don’t want to commit to anything.

This is a good enough reason to give in itself.

You could purposely misunderstand IF she asks and say

”Oh it’s nice of you to suggest we taken it in turns to give lifts, but I’m afraid I really value that bit of time just me and DS in the car. It’s when we have our best chats and that’s so important, isn’t it?”

OP, you haven't even moved in yet and she's asking your son for lifts come from school for her son? How on earth can you know what your new you schedule will be let alone arrange pickups for your neighbours son. All you have to say is no. That's it. No explanation needed.

I'd just say 'Sorry but we have commitments before and after school some days and we don't always know when so I can't be relied upon for lifts'.

If she presses you say you sometimes have to pop to a family member on the way or have clubs/see friends after school and do not come straight home.

I can see why she'd want this to happen as it would make her life easier BUT making her life easier is not your concern!! You said it would make your life harder SO SAY NO!!

I am unusual. I have never had a single problem in saying no. Just say as little as possible if she asks. such as "that does not work for me but I hope you manage to find transport" and leave it at that. She cannot force it. if she brings the child to the car one day - just refuse to let it in and just say - sorry, this does not work for us.

Pretend you have a drinking problem?