How to decline giving a lift politely

[Anxious32]

We have moved and Son (year 4) has started a new school. We’re having work done to the house so not living there at the moment we are living about 30 minutes away temporarily. NDN son is also in my child’s new school in his class! The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven’t moved there not outwardly asked yet! My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”.

I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport “just because I’m going there too”. Just for context I’m very softly spoken and can be a door mat. Also this is RL so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of “No is a complete sentence”. I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN plus see each other at school.

how can I politely say I don’t want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should “help the poor lady out”. In the past situations like that have results in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friends house. It’s also annoying having to be on same-time each bloody time.

Ime these arrangements can get stretched to breaking point and what starts out looking like mutual help can turn into the entitled notion that you're being unreasonable expecting her to take her turn because you're dropping off at school anyway. I never got a good bargain on that as my DD was very behaved and her son was a nightmare. I ended up falling out with the mum and as it's better if you don't fall out with your NDN, maybe tell her that happened to you, if she keeps pushing for an answer.

”oh I didn’t think you’d ask, I guess you haven’t heard about my time in prison, it’s great that I can start afresh here”

It seems as if you already have the answer yourself: On the days your DH is going into office, you won't have the seats free. IF your NDN asks, tell her this - and maybe that your (and your DHs) schedules are often unpredictable, so you just can't commit to giving rides. If she only hints, or tells you through her child, simply ignore, or change the subject. Clearly she's hoping you'll go, "Oh, I can tell you're struggling, and I really don't mind taking your child to school, too, as I'll already be going!" Just stay out of it till you're asked directly, and never give any indication that you might.

This. Exactly.

Just say that you cannot give her child a lift!

Her logistics are not your problem! I worked full time and managed to get my DS to school by myself and so will she.

This will not be reciprocal, they never are!

"I guess you haven't heard about my time in prison." Jeez, just why, why, why? Totally beyond me as to why you'd make such a damning lie about yourself. What on earth is the matter with complete honesty. The OP doesn't want to take another child. 13 pages later we're back to stupid lies again.

Don't do it! I made this mistake and the other child was always late, made my child late every single day. It was a nightmare. I think you have to be clear you can't make that commitment unfortunately and just leave it at that. It's too much. I wouldn't dream of asking somebody to do this.

Do you have her number? Could you text her (I'm a wimp so would find it much easier to send a text rather than face the issue!) and say that her child has said that they'd be lift sharing but unfortunately you're not able to.

The thing is I don’t know my schedule so don’t want to commit to anything. I am also looking for a new job.

So how is your son going to get to school?

You sound like me. I too am a push over and had advantage taken of me.
whatever you do don’t offer any lifts as once started difficult to stop. I had one lady think it was ok to get a new job as she didn’t have drop of anymore and then asked could I watch her DD for her till she got in.
took me a while to learn the word no and still don’t use it often but I weaned my very cheeky friend ( debatable) by slowly not being able to pick up her DD because of appointment / going ti shops / going in other direction etc. still took me a while but now I am free to do spontaneous things if I want.

I guess I should have clearly written that it was a joke 🤷🏻‍♀️

Presumably that poster was joking 😂

But why not do a lift share? If there's another child in the area make it between 3 of you then you only need to travel to school 3 or 4 times a week. If someone is away, or off sick then there's still two to do it. I do this and we set a rota each Sunday so if someone has meetings or appointments etc we can work around each persons diary. Plus if something comes up we support each other.

If she is just looking to get you to do all the lifts then say no, I will find someone to reciprocate with, why would I cart your child around if you're not offering anything.

She's already said she doesn't want to do that

The golden rule is not to give any kind of excuse. Just say that you are sorry it won't be possible. Keep smiling and keep moving.

Anyone trying to 'make a sale', to get you to do anything you don't want to do will pick up on any excuse you give and either try and solve it for you or get you to agree that once that is sorted l, you will do whatever it is that they want.

If you are not good at keeping your boundaries, it's much better to not get involved in the first place. Especially someone who appears to be pushy, eg telling their child they will be travelling with someone else.

It's very sad, because I do like doing things to help others, it makes me feel good. If there is any chance that it might all go wrong then far better not to start.

Also, make sure you vary your routine so don't always go out at the same time or even go the long way round to avoid meeting them.

Good luck and meanwhile do get into the habit of saying no to someone just because. It's good to keep that muscle in trim. No one should react badly, anyone who does, is not worth doing reciprocal favours for. Good life lesson.

Please take it from someone who is, though I say so

My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”

'Oh how lovely, is his Mum offering to drive you both?'

Just tell her you're unreliable and can't commit.

I currently do a lift-share with one person (year 10 - my DS & 1 boy in same form he's known since Nursery but they aren't really friends anymore). It works fine until my DS is ill (covid or whatever) & then it's REALLY annoying having to get up early just to take someone else's kid to school. It's also irritating when it's my turn to collect but my son has detention & I'll then have to go twice in the same afternoon. I agree that lift-shares work well in the mornings (though you are depending on the other parent being punctual etc & being a safe driver). It can also be a major pain when the kids fall out/decide they aren't friends anymore or if one child does lots of after school clubs etc etc. Can make life VERY complicated. But out of 10 school runs per week I only do 5 so there is that 😁 I would also say that my DD was anxious about going into school when she was in infants and would have HATED it if a random NDN she didn't know was taking her to school! They often want last hug from Mum/Dad & little whispered words of comfort to get them through the day - not some harried stranger dragging them through playground because they are late/nowhere to park etc

Reasons not to give a lift

• I enjoy the travel time with my child. It is when we have the best talks.
• I don't want the responsibility. I'm an anxious person and worry.
• I've tried it before and it didn't work for us or the other child in the end.
• I can't commit as I don't have a regular schedule and will be making spontanious changes to my routine.
• I can't collect as I don't always come straight home and wouldn't be able to warn you when I wasn't available.
• I really value peace when driving and find looking after another child distracting.

Disclaimer: This is a joke

Have you considered 'Happy to help, be good to get some practice in, now I'm finally allowed to drive again!' This should avoid the situation ever arising :)

There are some people being very rude and dismissive towards the OP here. If you've had an upbringing where saying No to anything makes you A Horrible Person then it has a huge and lasting impact, and can make you very anxious about trying to say no to other people's requests. Unless you've experienced that absolutely visceral, gut-churning anxiety about Doing The Wrong Thing then sure, you might think the OP is exaggerating and being a wimp. But as she's already explained her mum actively tells her to ignore her own feelings and "help the poor lady out", you can see how a lifetime of this programming has a deep and lasting impact. Stop being snide about how "everybody has anxiety these days" and try some basic empathy and compassion.

OP, I literally practice out loud to myself when I have something like this to tackle. Spend some time saying "no thank you, that doesn't work for me/us". Ignore all hints however heavy, and be ready when the question comes with your line and no further explanation.

Seriously though, all of these are brilliant and perfectly fair. It's not just 'giving a lift' when it's a child, it's childcare, totally different thing

I got into a lift share with parents I knew (from my child being friends with the other children), it didn’t go well, for me that is. One of the parents was frequently unable to fulfil his part but didn’t seek to arrange anything else, just left us to it, then said that his job role was changing so couldn’t do his share at all. One of the kids didn’t even go to the same school as mine. It would have worked out that I was basically subsiding their travel, costing me more. I think they got a shock when I said I was sending my child to school by train then as it worked out cheaper for me (and more expensive for them!). I still took/picked them up when there were issues with the trains though but to add insult to injury, I saw one mum picking up her child from the same school mine was at but she hadn’t offered to bring my child home.

Absolutely do not use the word “sorry”. You’ve nothing to apologise for!

No sorry ..
Why not?
Cos I dont want to
would be my suggestion but thats not what you want to hear I am guessing!
Do not lie,be clear be firm.Do not start soething you will regret fo rthe sake of keeping the peace, These situations are so easy to fall into but really hard to get out of, Man up,sort it get it off your mind!Start now by hint dropping,hopefully this will head her off before she starts..I love spending time on my own on a morning with my son,its our special catch up time,Do you do the same with yours? I wouldnt change that time for all the tea in china. Oh isnt it a lovey day today must dash...or something similar!

She hasn't asked, so you don't have to respond yet -- it gives you time to prepare.

You might want to wait until you get to know her better, it could work out if you find you get on well.

If you don't want to do it, just say it won't be possible (if you find saying "no" too difficult). Alternatively, say you have "other arrangements" without saying what they are.

You might want to consider whether she would share the task -- so if you are unwell, she could take your DS, perhaps?