How to decline giving a lift politely

[Anxious32]

We have moved and Son (year 4) has started a new school. We’re having work done to the house so not living there at the moment we are living about 30 minutes away temporarily. NDN son is also in my child’s new school in his class! The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven’t moved there not outwardly asked yet! My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”.

I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport “just because I’m going there too”. Just for context I’m very softly spoken and can be a door mat. Also this is RL so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of “No is a complete sentence”. I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN plus see each other at school.

how can I politely say I don’t want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should “help the poor lady out”. In the past situations like that have results in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friends house. It’s also annoying having to be on same-time each bloody time.

What are her reasons for not being able to take her own child to school and how has she been managing up until now?
I would just say I don’t mind helping in an emergency but I’d rather not make it a regular thing as I often have other commitments.

Yep. Been there, done that too. Generally to facilitate people less busy than me. Always ended up with a bigger ask and sense of entitlement. What's NDN doing to get them to school now and why can't that continue?

I've fallen into this trap with a friend at work and car sharing quickly turned into constant excuses from them as to why they couldn't drive on their days and then a pattern of lateness which drives me crazy. I would avoid and just cite inconsistent after school activities if you feel you need to give a reason

This! You won't be anxious "thinking up something to say" as it's the actual truth. Just be honest and say you can't really commit because your schedule can be a bit all over the place and don't want to end up letting her down....then change the subject!

It is very hard to stop something once you start, I would strongly advise against it.

may the very most offer once a week if an emergency, I say this as it’s ok for the first few weeks, then you can get other kid not wanting to go with you, parent saying they might be late back home - usually the afternoon you need to get somewhere for an appt. We found it ruined pick up. after that we never offered again x

You know the request is coming, so steel yourself to refuse immediately and clearly.

" I'm afraid not. . DH and I find school runs a tight fit around our own timetables , without any additional obligations. "

Firstly, if you KNOW for a fact that you're a walkover and never say no, why are you here asking us, knowing that you'll never take the advice? It's a waste of your and our time.
You'd be better to spend more time with a therapist if your anxiety etc (and anxiety and MH issues seem to be the 'thing' to have nowadays) is preventing you from uttering a two letter word or a sentence declining her suggestion.
As for some other posters suggesting you offer to take the boy if she picks both of them up, that's a non-starter. Could you honestly trust her to be on time? If she can collect her son, what's preventing her taking him in the first place?
You need lessons in assertiveness. 'No, that's not something I can commit to', is sufficient. Then excuse yourself and don't get into further discussion.
It doesn't matter what she thinks of you. You're not out for FB likes.
I really don't understand why so many people hate to say no.
I just say 'No thanks, it's not something I want to do'. There's not a lot anyone can say to that, otherwise they're telling you what they expect. It's either yes or no and if they ask the question they have to be prepared for either answer. Just do it.

Just say no, I don’t do lift sharing, be assertive and liberate yourself, you shouldn’t be left feeling anxious, take control

Are there no bus or train routes? Better for the environment. You don’t indicate distance. It is annoying and rude when people assume things.

Quite difficult given she’s also NDN as well and also that the kids are going to know each other this way. But maybe not long and kids can journey together without supervision if there is transport? Then that will be an advantage later on

Simply tell her it will not work for you. If she ask why, tell her you aren't at ease discussing personal matters. If she persists, rinse and repeat..

If you don’t feel comfortable with this person, don’t agree to ANYTHING. Just tell her the truth that you are not settled yet, you will be looking for a job, etc. etc.

Lots of people will walk over you, given half a chance; you just have to say “No,” nicely but firmly, and stick to it. If your mum wants this person to get a lift, then SHE can be the one to do it: she doesn’t really have the right to push YOU into service.

If this person becomes a pest, you will have to learn to INCREASE your resistance to pressure to do unwanted tasks. Just be careful not to burn any bridges, though, in the event that you may unexpectedly need THIS person’s help; which is a good reason to say “No” with with a gentle smile and shake of your head.

Your son should be told, though, that rides for his classmate will be decides by YOU, not THEM.

Kids same year at school live next door to each other. The odds are they will be best mates and will be practically living at each other others houses as time goes on 😂
I don’t really understand why you wouldn’t lift share - 2 cars going the same place everyday isn’t great for traffic/environment etc and it does mean you would get some days you didn’t have to take them too.
im Scottish and I think we think differently, but we always shared lifts - just caught a ride tomorrow with whoever was caught walking home in the rain 😂😂

I lift share with my 6 doors down neighbour. It's flexible. If she's taking her son for an appointment after school etc we obviously don't.

We started when we were desperate for lifts because we moved my struggling DD to a different school and obviously cannot physically pick up from 2 separate primaries. Expensive for my DTs to do after school club for essentially 20 minutes and struggling child couldn't cope with after school club so it solved all my woes.

For us it works well, is never the same week to week (amd we can actually do all the lifts every day now as struggling child continued to struggle and now does not attend at all and hasn't for months).

If you wanted to consider a reciprocal arrangement, they can work!

This could also escalate into other child care related scenarios; nip it in the bud now.

I agree with @Fluffymule here. Perfectly polite and reasonable, and sets your boundaries from the start. As you get to know your NDN and her child, you might find you can be a bit more relaxed and you may find reciprocal arrangements that can and DO work for you both, but until you get to that situation, don't feel bad. Probably notwithstanding occasional emergency situations where maybe kindness and decency trump the status quo. I'd ignore others that tell you "it shouldn't be an issue", whether it is "the mum", a friend, your mum or your therapist. It's not them giving the lift, and don't let them make you feel bad for avoiding it. I've got 4 kids, all older, and whereas I now just roll my eyes most of the time now and give lifts to all and sundry mentioning occasionally that "I seem to have become a taxi driver in my spare time", I was an anxious driver when they were young, and always told mine that "spare lifts were not on offer".

Don’t stress. Don’t overthink it.
If your NDN asks you outright if you can give her kids a lift to school then just smile and say that you’re sorry but it wouldn’t work for you. You don’t need to say any more. Change the subject straight away to something jovial like “I can’t believe X is the this age already….”

If she raises the issue again then say “Were you thinking of alternating lifts? To be honest it doesn’t really suit me as I’m not always coming straight home, often go to relatives visiting after school. I’m job hunting too so I don’t know how that will work out with school runs.” Then change the subject without waiting for a response.
Its lovely to help each other out but when you don’t know your NDN or their child then it’s a bit much to be asking at this stage.

It’s difficult and I know because I’ve been in this situation helping with lifts with people who have issues with the school run themselves. In my experience, however much you help them it’s never reciprocated. In consideration that she’s your neighbour, I’d make a suggestion that you are comfortable with but keep your boundaries clear and have no guilt. If she turns out to be someone who knows how to reciprocate you won’t have to worry so much,

I'm a firm believer in 'honesty is the best policy' - sometimes with a good dash of white lie juice.

All the daft excuses are just ridiculous, especially the suggestion that you tell her that you're an alcoholic.
I mean...for Christ's sake. 🙄

You simply have to tell her the truth, that you can't commit.
You can do it. 👍

Just say you would only do if they returned the favour and do it between you. Not be expected to do it all the time. But as you don't know her or her child well enough yet then you don't feel comfortable her taking your child. But also don't want to commit. She given a reason she's struggling? Or does she work from home and just can't be bothered taking him herself?

'No that wouldn't really work for me'

I walk the same way home with a mum from school. Yes I would help her in an emergency, no question. But would I do it regularly, no. As you say its a lot to ask. You don't know her, you're already responsible for your own kid and time keeping. What if they're late, then do you wait and make your own kid late? I have anxiety too and overthink things like crazy but you have to put your foot down. Just say that you wouldn't feel comfortable doing that as you've just moved here. That puts it off into the future and she shouldn't ask again. If she does then say, I'm just not comfortable doing that, I'm a nervous driver. If she pushes anymore then she's either mega desperate or a mega CF.

Don’t invent anything the boys are involved

You have a perfectly honest and reasonable reason for why you just can't. I'm with most, just say it nicely and quickly change the subject... Good luck

Look sad, and say "Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to."