How to decline giving a lift politely

[Anxious32]

We have moved and Son (year 4) has started a new school. We’re having work done to the house so not living there at the moment we are living about 30 minutes away temporarily. NDN son is also in my child’s new school in his class! The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven’t moved there not outwardly asked yet! My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”.

I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport “just because I’m going there too”. Just for context I’m very softly spoken and can be a door mat. Also this is RL so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of “No is a complete sentence”. I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN plus see each other at school.

how can I politely say I don’t want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should “help the poor lady out”. In the past situations like that have results in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friends house. It’s also annoying having to be on same-time each bloody time.

It's difficult as I absolutely think your ndn is being abit cheeky in slowly being an imposition HOWEVER, your children will literally be going to a from the same place, it's year 4 so not forever to give the lift, also could you not say you're due to start a new role and that schedules are abit all over the place but you would be open to the idea in the future? By remaining open like above said could work well you could formalise an agreement and make it easier on your schedule by only doing half the week, if either kid happens to start football etc then just say the lift wont be available on those days as you will be going to grandparents or shopping etc.

I haven't rtft but you could always say you don't feel comfortable having someone that's not family I'm the car as you don't want to be held responsible if something happens with them. Maybe tell fib and say from past experiences you dont give lifts to others

The thing is I don’t know my schedule so don’t want to commit to anything

There's your response just there.

Ndn - can you take little Freddie into school with you

Op - I can't I'm afraid, I never know what my schedule is going to be so can't commit to anything.

There are lots of very “British “ replies here.
You can say that you don’t want to knowing that it might not create the best relationship with your neighbour.
She should also have asked you directly instead of speaking to your DS.
I would be happy to pay you for taking my child to school as it is very difficult for me on some days. It’s a service and shouldn’t be free. As you are looking for a new job you might also need her help in the future.
Or you could all walk together and get some fresh air…

The thing is, hinting that she will need you to do the school run for her actually a really weird thing to do. She doesn’t know you from Adam - what if you were unreliable, a dangerous driver or just plain unkind?

She is relying on you being polite.

This is a perfectly acceptable response.

Don't get sidetracked into agreeing to do a lift for week or so because it will run in to every week and she will have her morning's free and you won't.

Could you say that you're considering getting a child minder who will do the drop off and collection and if you manage to find someone, you'll pass on their details (then never progress with that)?

If you've just moved into the neighbourhood, simply say "We've just moved into the area and are still finding our feet a bit. We'll just be looking after ourselves for the moment. Should that change, we'll let you know".

She’s not asked you yet don’t worry about something that’s not happened

maybe suggest, that on the trip to school you would be willing to do it, when you move, and that you could share the cost, if she undertakes to do the pick up.If she can't do that suggest a nominal sum that would show its a shared responsibility

Then just say so. “I would normally, but I just don’t know what I’ll be doing one minute to the next right now”

See you next Tuesday then ?

2 choices I think...

Ignore the hint, she hasnt asked so, you dont need to answer.
or
suggest alternate weeks, so you share the load. You can of course be flexi re emergencies, but it has to work for you

If she asks outright, have your answer rehearsed, like, sorry, cant commit as i have other journeys some days.. but how about we share it ?
Rehearse, out loud, on yr own, so you can say it with confidence if needed

She hasn't asked. It's feasible the boys have just thought this would be a good idea.
Your DS has just started a new school and seems to have made a friend next door. I'm intrigued that your first response is about how you can ward off any requests and 'not be a doormat' rather than thinking about your DS, his settling in and his friendships.
You don't need to say anything yet because nothing has been asked. But I don't understand why you wouldn't offer to give them a lift in some mornings. It doesn't inconvenience you at all and it's perfectly fine to say you can't drop him back because you usually have plans after school.

She doesn't want to do that though

@Anxious32 i totally get you - I am a people pleaser and doormat and really struggle with confrontation. I would much rather moan to my DH than face issues head on. I think in this instance, I would wait until she actually asked me and then say I could probably do one off drop offs but due to work I couldn’t make it a routine thing.

@MelodyPondsMum because in the 15 minutes or so conversations she's had with this mum she has heavily hinted about it. And said how hard she finds it in the morning.

So yeah. I think we can safely say it's coming from the mum.

The kids can still be friends without being tied into this.

We did reciprocal lifts/trips to clubs etc with some friends. But the difference was the kids knew me. Their mums knew me. We were all friends. They would also help me out massively.

One mum spent all of the first term in reception buttering up mums and forcing her kid into friendships because she needed childcare. It was painful to watch her palming her kid off in every direction. That was a hard no.

I would just say ‘ahhh I wish I could! But things are so hectic at the moment I can’t manage it. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays my husband needs my car to go to the office and Fridays my Mum does drop-offs and they sometimes have sleepovers every other week and my boss keeps moaning about me being late because I’ve had so much on with the house move and my father-in lane has long covid so is shielding. Yeah total nightmare. Right must dash! See you soon!’

Just bombard her with BS that makes her sorry she even asked. People seem to tell me in the ins and outs of their lives and I just don’t need to know. I just glaze over. Try this tact, might work. She’s not going to say ‘oh I thought your husband needed the car on Tuesdays’. And if she does she’s a CF and you won’t mind saying no.

Just say you can't do it due to other commitments. I got dragged into this kind of arrangement years ago and ended up being used as a free taxi service. I was so stressed and busy I was just steamrollered along by a very bossy, entitled person. Don't make the same mistake.

No sorry that doesn’t work for me

repeat as necessary

or ask her which days she will commit to

OP
Why on earth are you giving this so much headspace? It's obviously impossible to commit to what she wants, for 3 - THREE! - perfectly good reasons:

1 There sometimes won't be room in the car
2 You don't know your schedule in your current job
3 You are changing jobs

It's quite impossible and she will see that too. Stop worrying about it!

You've literally written what you need to say in your second post: "The thing is I don’t know my schedule so don’t want to commit to anything."

Your Mother doesn't enable your doormat behaviour, YOU do.

I wouldn't recommend you saying you have commitments after school, because she'll be watching to see what time you get home every day. And then you'll feel guilty or feel as though you have to hide/stay out just to sustain the lie - whereas it's your time and your journey home, you don't have to answer to anyone.

Be as honest as you can, as it'll be better for you long-term - tell her straight up that you're not comfortable with giving anyone else a lift (say "for personal reasons" , be purposely vague about it!) and don't give in to her!

Honestly, I'm totally with you on this one, I'd hate to commit to that, plus I enjoy the journey home chatting with my kids about their day.

Has she actually asked yet or are you imagining the worst?

But in any case, say what you said here: 'I never know what my schedule will be, so I don't offer lifts because I can't commit.'
Any follow-up like 'Let me know when your schedule is fixed,' say 'It changes all the time, that's the thing,' smile and change the subject.

So she drives too? That's cheeky, yanbu.

At first I assumed she was walking to the same place you were driving, in which case I'd be a bit more torn.

I've been passed and driving for a month, before that I spent a year walking two small children to school 2 miles away there and back, and it was an absolute fucking nightmare. I'd jump at the chance to spare someone from that fate now I'm driving myself.

I'd maybe consider sharing it since you're going to the same place every day and it's more environmentally friendly, but if that doesn't work for you tell her what you've told us.

I've posted on here before about my rather negative experience in giving lifts to another child but would like to add that it wouldn't have put me off doing it for someone else - I'd just be very definite about the terms and conditions!

If she's not asked don't worry.

If your DS says about it, tell him he is mistaken.

If she asks, say you can't commit to that.