Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to decline giving a lift politely

388 replies

Anxious32 · 18/09/2022 17:37

We have moved and Son (year 4) has started a new school. We’re having work done to the house so not living there at the moment we are living about 30 minutes away temporarily. NDN son is also in my child’s new school in his class! The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven’t moved there not outwardly asked yet! My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”.

I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport “just because I’m going there too”. Just for context I’m very softly spoken and can be a door mat. Also this is RL so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of “No is a complete sentence”. I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN plus see each other at school.

how can I politely say I don’t want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should “help the poor lady out”. In the past situations like that have results in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friends house. It’s also annoying having to be on same-time each bloody time.

OP posts:
NoDairyNoProblem · 20/09/2022 12:53

@Anxious32 i am a complete people pleaser, it gives me anxiety saying no… but it also gives me anxiety turning myself inside out to accommodate people who would not do the same for me.

I would say ‘I’m afraid that won’t work for us’ and if pressed ‘my week varies and there is simply no way’.

No lies, no excuses, just no.

WhisperGold · 20/09/2022 13:08

Get in first snd ask her.

Cheeseandwines · 20/09/2022 13:16

Could you stuff old clothes with paper and put hats on balloons to give the impression that you car is already full each day. Each day you would have to shrug as you drove past with a sort of "what can you do?" Expression. This is probably the simplest solution.

SleepingAgent · 20/09/2022 13:18

VroomVrooom · 18/09/2022 21:19

All the people saying ‘you’re going anyway, where’s the harm?’ - you do realise people are much more open to helping others out when:

  • it’s prefaced with some sort of suggestion of it being completely reciprocal
  • it’s asked by someone you’ve known more than quarter of an hour.

Most people - especially people like the OP - want to help others out.

They don’t want to be taken advantage of. And that’s OK.

How hard is this to understand?

Exactly!! She's a CF as OP isn't even living next door to her yet, and she's already making plans to use her.

Trainbear · 20/09/2022 13:23

“Oh sorry my insurance does not cover it”

KarmaStar · 20/09/2022 13:34

Just agree what a tie it is and that you find it especially hard with so many commitments and job seeking that you'll be unable to help unless it's an emergency.

Buttonjugs · 20/09/2022 13:51

Aside from the cheek of her telling her child he will be travelling to school with you, I would avoid her as much as you can. Don’t get friendly with her because she sounds like the type who will take advantage. I speak to my neighbours but just a hello or a quick comment because in the past I have been taken advantage of by neighbours or forced to socialise with them when I didn’t want to. Just be polite but a little standoffish and if she asks you directly tell her you’d rather not, sorry.

Serenitymummy · 20/09/2022 14:35

Anxious32 · 18/09/2022 17:47

The thing is I don’t know my schedule so don’t want to commit to anything. I am also looking for a new job. Previously I have given so many lifts to people out of guilt or what they will think of I say no. I would never just ask people to give lifts to my kids! I just find it so cheeky but as I’ve been told by my anxiety therapist not everyone thinks the same way I do,

You've answered it yourself right here, if they ask outright it's "ah I can't commit I'm afraid as I don't know my schedule in advance and won't always be coming straight home, sorry about that". As pp have said, an occasional favour is fine but no committing.

FinallyHere · 20/09/2022 16:47

If you live next door and travelling to the same place, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t give them a lift?

If they are established and OP is the newcomer, why aren't they offering to take her child to school? Why is OP being told to be helpful, why isn't the NDN offering? Not offering anything at all.

It's the lack of reciprocity that screams CF. Who honestly asks for favours without even pretending to offer something in return.

If you know you are not good at saying no, @Anxious32 I would encourage you to do it more often. Just say no.

The more you do it the better you will be at it and the less headspace it will occupy Saying no is a great way to find out what people are really like. Decent ones will have no problem with it. The others ... will remind you why it's not a good idea to do them favours.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/09/2022 16:51

Equally then @FinallyHere , why hasn't the neighbour said "Oh I've noticed that you're bringing little David to school every day and he is in the same school as my Matthew, so I'll bring them to school every day" (this is in relation to your message "If you live next door and travelling to the same place, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t give them a lift?").

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to bring your child to and from school without any one else's children tagging along. I find it to be a great time to chat to my kids while we drove home to find out how their day went. Some might be a bit uncomfortable in really opening up while there are others in the car that aren't family.

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 20/09/2022 16:58

Cheeseandwines · 20/09/2022 13:16

Could you stuff old clothes with paper and put hats on balloons to give the impression that you car is already full each day. Each day you would have to shrug as you drove past with a sort of "what can you do?" Expression. This is probably the simplest solution.

love this 😂

creamwitheverything · 20/09/2022 17:03

Well bugger me OP! I left you a comment today at 12 ish and I have just been to collect my dd 10 yrs from school where I too got collared by a mum! She was so glad to bump into me as she had been thinking about our kids going to high school next year and she had had the most wonderful idea to share with me, Now she says to me you know cream I have 3 kids and 1 of them in a different school well when xxx goes to high school I cannot be in 3 places at once,and i was thinking you have a car and pass our road everyday and you will be taking babycream to school so you coulld call at my house every day and pick up xxx it would really save me so much time and bother, Not would you mind?,could you? is that ok with you? but it would save her the trouble if I took on the responsibility of her kid getting to school, I immediately thought of you!!!! I suggested to her that as it was only september now and they dont go til next september that would give her plenty of time to sort it all out and get herself organized,said see you later and got in my car and went without looking back!!! Not a prayer am I doing it or getting involved,not my issue. not my problem ,not going to be either! You couldnt make it up!!

LookItsMeAgain · 20/09/2022 17:29

Brava @creamwitheverything !!! Brava!!!!

N1no · 20/09/2022 19:00

fruitbrewhaha · 20/09/2022 12:09

But why not do a lift share? If there's another child in the area make it between 3 of you then you only need to travel to school 3 or 4 times a week. If someone is away, or off sick then there's still two to do it. I do this and we set a rota each Sunday so if someone has meetings or appointments etc we can work around each persons diary. Plus if something comes up we support each other.

If she is just looking to get you to do all the lifts then say no, I will find someone to reciprocate with, why would I cart your child around if you're not offering anything.

Thank you! Finally someone who can see the advantage of helping each other out instead of trying to make up an excuse for not doing so. I which you were my neighbour.
I am very organised, lecture two days a week, get up at 4:45am to drop DD at the childminder to go into London, DP works away from home 3 days. That’s the best I can organise life and I am very happy to take someone else’s DC and drop them wherever or take them home to mine and feed them snacks or dinner ( all homemade).

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/09/2022 19:02

I get feeling like a doormat....
would it be possible to query the mum about her challenges and then offer to help here and there? Perhaps a ride with you and yours would make the other child feel some extra care? Why not provide that from your heart? You never know when you may need some kindness from a neighbour.

maddy68 · 20/09/2022 19:48

Why wouldn't you offer a lift to your ndn?

FinallyHere · 20/09/2022 21:03

@LookItsMeAgain

Fraid the bold quote around the first paragraph in my post got lost, so it looked as if that was my point, rather than the point I was arguing against.

The rest of my post completely agrees with you.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/09/2022 22:26

Is this your temp house while work is being done

which is 30mins away from school

so you won’t always be living there

so will be a short term thing

or have I got that mixed up @Anxious32

tbh I would happy take to school maybe. 1/2 mornings as going anyway

but

make clear I leave at x time and not waiting

bjt not pick up as sometimes go to the park - or Starbucks or play date

whumpthereitis · 20/09/2022 22:26

maddy68 · 20/09/2022 19:48

Why wouldn't you offer a lift to your ndn?

Because she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t need to justify it.

Lulemma · 21/09/2022 04:59

I understand your dilemma perfectly, my advice from personal experience would be to refuse asap. I ended up taking a little boy to school everyday who I didn't really know nor did my kids, initially as a favour for a friend. She was originally taking this boy as she and the mother were friends. I was only helping out I thought as she was poorly so I took the boy and my friends son for her. Somehow I ended up taking the boy even when she was recovered. The cf of a mother expected me to still take her son even when my child was ill and in the hospital. No matter what, she never gave me any thanks and when I told her we were moving house she sent a letter to all the parents telling then how I had let her down and left her with no options.

lickenchugget · 21/09/2022 05:18

N1no · 20/09/2022 19:00

Thank you! Finally someone who can see the advantage of helping each other out instead of trying to make up an excuse for not doing so. I which you were my neighbour.
I am very organised, lecture two days a week, get up at 4:45am to drop DD at the childminder to go into London, DP works away from home 3 days. That’s the best I can organise life and I am very happy to take someone else’s DC and drop them wherever or take them home to mine and feed them snacks or dinner ( all homemade).

Show quote history

Because unlike you, OP doesn’t want to.

And that’s fine.

I like the time in the car with my DC. They tell me about their day, it’s a nice time to bring up anything to discuss as eveyone is on the same place, no tv, no distractions. Adding another child changes the dynamic completely. I wouldn’t want this every day either.

Travellingwomble · 21/09/2022 06:48

You could pretend youve misunderstood and say thanks for the offer but I prefer to just do the run myself as I have some other commitments before and after school.

Or .....you've had previous bad experiences with sharing (youd prefer not to talk about it/ it just made things more complicated for your routine). You dont want to get involved in that again and/or your life is very unpredictable so you would prefer not to commit to anything. If she persists just say ...like I said it just doesnt work for me. If she continues to persist with other options , just say this might work for you but it doesnt for me I just prefer to do my own thing.

Threelittlelambs · 21/09/2022 07:20

Bit it never stops at lifts to schools, it becomes weekend play dates, clubs, party lifts and before you know it you’re their permanent free taxi service!

CruCru · 21/09/2022 09:18

There’s nothing wrong with helping out a mate by sharing a few school runs. I do this with a friend who lives nearby and it works very well. We were friends first and know that neither of us will take the piss.

If the first thing you hear when meeting someone is how hard they find the school run and their child tells yours that they’re going to be going to school together, alarm bells will ring. This isn’t a friend that you are going to occasionally help out, it’s someone who has decided that you are the solution to her problem.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/09/2022 09:31

Threelittlelambs · 21/09/2022 07:20

Bit it never stops at lifts to schools, it becomes weekend play dates, clubs, party lifts and before you know it you’re their permanent free taxi service!

This is so true. I had a situation where a local family didn't drive and were a long way from school. DD was friends with their DD. They asked me to take her, I did it for a long time. The one time I asked the other parent to do it because I'd had a baby on the Friday afternoon and didn't feel able to drive on the Monday, she ignored my message and sent the child round as usual. I was 2 days post partum. That was the end for me. Total pisstake.

The fact is the OP doesn't know this woman at all yet she's already set OP up as her taxi. It won't stop there!

Swipe left for the next trending thread