Would this annoy you? An inheritance one.

[GoGoNads]

MIL was massively financially independent before she met FIL. She owned her house through inheritance and never needed to work, again because of this inheritance. When she met FIL 40 years ago, he moved in with her and so they never had a mortgage. They were married but always kept finances totally separate. She had a number of investments.

FIL worked full time in a mid-paid job but did a lot of leisure traveling (usually without MIL), always had a new car every two years, the best of everything, loads of gadgets etc. so benefitted from having a lot of disposable income thanks to MIL’s inheritance meaning they never had to pay for a mortgage, or for childcare. He used a lot of this disposal income to top-up his pension and take out investments of his own over the years and so has been able to retire early and very comfortably. He was quite a bit younger than MIL.

Sadly, MIL died a while ago after suffering from cancer for years. DH was their only child.

In her will, she left the house and about 20% of her money to FIL, and all of the rest to DH.

DH and I both work full time in very well paid jobs. We’ve always been good savers, had investments etc. We’ve been together for 18 years and share finances.

We recently bought a new house. We started looking for it long before MIL died but the market where we are is crazy and it took ages (and two attempted purchases that subsequently fell through) to secure our house. We have a mortgage on it (got a really great fixed five year interest rate before they started creeping up) but had a significant deposit saved. DH added some of his inheritance to this also to benefit from a lower LTV. DH never discussed this with FIL so FIL doesn’t know what we’ve done with the money, if anything.

FIL visited today. We were having tea and he was saying how much he likes the house and what we’ve done with it, then added “I’m so delighted we were able to contribute so much towards it”.

I asked what he meant, and he referenced the amount MIL had left DH.

I was about to point out that that was MIL’s money given to her much-loved son, and not a gift from him, but DH gave me the look.

If FIL brings it up again, would it be unreasonable of me to do a “whatever do you mean, FIL? Do you mean the money MIL inherited and then passed to DH?”

As with everything, there’s a backstory. FIL is a nice enough man but he’s one of those people who thinks that the world revolves around him and so I’m sure he’s been telling family and neighbours about “helping” us out. He’s quite overbearing and DH tends to just let him prattle away, unchallenged.

why? That sounds horrible.

If the genders were reversed in this situation, would you be saying the same thing?
You seem to think it’s contemptible for a man to have had a rich wife and benefit as a result. Do you think the same when it’s the other way around?

Some people's estates are taken up by care costs.

Wow. You’re a piece of work? Sounds like you’re jealous that your mother in law left so much to her husband instead of you?? Wow!

My god. The entitlement.

When your MiL Married that man, she agreed to share in law everything she has with him, so your comments on how much she had, why she had it and what was done with it are irrelevant at best, let alone anything at all to do with you.

Should my son be In a better position to look after his family during these trying times, because of money that came from his Dad or I...I would also be pleased and grateful and may even air that, and would hope my son would be too, and not having to listen to his wife picking apart things I have said about it after losing my spouse of over 40 years.

It has got nothing to do with you and none of your business.

Absolutely do not address it, you are benefiting from the money so why do you feel the need to specifically address who left it to your DH? MIL and FIL were a long married couple so I would consider any money from one of them to have come from both as a couple. Just say "yes, we are delighted with the house, thank you" and leave it. Sometimes it's best to just let things go...

Very well said, I totally agree.

Aw you sound lovely op

Nothing like inheritance to stir up trouble and jealousy

In the circumstances you describe the OP is way out of line, his mother kept her finances 100% separate and obviously knew exactly what she was doing, you got a nice nest egg, don’t complain.

Why is your mils inheritance not family money but your dh’s inheritance is?

Whether they had shared finances or not, they may have discussed how inheritance was to be divided and it’s not unreasonable to expect it might have otherwise gone to your fil rather than your DH.

And how could you want to put someone in their place like that, esp your fil? Very strange all round

The man has lost his wife.

He probably feels very lost now and it may be a comfort to to think he and his wife added to your happiness.

I am sorry, but it is clear from your post that you actually don’t like him at all. You sound like you judge his lifestyle and talking of him being allowed to “prattle away” is just dismissive and unpleasant.

Have some empathy. You can clearly have your own private gratitude to your mother in law but don’t be gratuitously rude to someone who has just lost their spouse. You also have absolutely no idea whether the will was a joint conversation. You may think you know, but you actually don’t.

Yes, YWBU, that's a pretty shitty thing to say to him.

Well....what benefit would you gain from telling the FIL what you want to?

I can only see downsides, so I'd suggest you leave it be.

YABU. Your MIIL could have left everything to your FIL and DH would only have inherited what was left when his father died. So in some respects money that would normally have gone to your FIL has given to your DH. Perhaps this was agreed between him and your MIL.

It also seems pretty hypocritical to see inheritances as family money in your case but not in the case of your FIL who was married to your MIL for 40 years.

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill tbh!

So DH and FIL have a relationship which has lasted 40 years and past his mums death and you want to challenge a perceived slight? Fucking hell. Your poor DH. You view him with contempt because you think he leeches off of her and yet you're quite happy to benefit from the inheritelance yourself.

And for all you know FIL may intend to pass it on to DH when he goes.

This is one of those OP's that, after reading loads of detail, I reach the end and think, "Is that it?!" It's nothing. Why are you making it into something?

The man lost his wife of 40 years to cancer and it probably brings him comfort to think that they helped make their son's (and thereby your) life easier.

Why on earth would you spitefully make the point to your husband's widowed father that the inherited money that came to you via his wife wasn't "his" while you, his DIL, sit in your own home that was partially funded by your husband's inheritance? Do you not see that you and he are in the exact same position? Except that you've still got your spouse, of course.

Maybe develop some compassion. And some gratitude while you're at it.

Imo you are being massively unreasonable @GoGoNads You consider that your, and your DH's money, is both of yours - as do I and my husband, and many other couples around the World - and yet you do not consider that your parents-in-law's money was both of theirs! Why is that OP?

You have gone into lots of detail about how your MiL and your FiL received and spent their individual amounts of money, and you seem to have decided that their personal financial arrangements were not fair to your MiL! However, it really is none of your business how they handled and regarded their money, and it smacks to me as very much CF ery, on your behalf, when you consider that "what is yours is mine, and vice versa", for you and your DP, but that it should not be the same for your parents-in-law.

I do hope that you are not going to now defend your very unreasonable opinion by drip-feeding all sorts of nasty ways your FiL treated your MiL, because if that is a big part of the reason for your 'on the face of it unreasonableness' towards your FiL, then that should have been in your OP, now it would just sound like made-up, or at the very least, exaggerated excuses on your behalf.

If you consider your DH’s inheritance as family money, why can’t you FIL do the same?

If you MILs inheritances nothing to do with your FIL then your Husbands inheritance is nothing to do with you.

So everyone involved has had help and a boost because of inheritance mixed with whoever in the family was working. You’re all
comfortable and able to buy houses or travel or whatever.

But you’re bellyaching over some little comment? Seems a bit petty to me.

I don't see any need to upset the applecart. Maybe their will be some inheritance from him when his time is up so not worth upsetting him for no good reason.

You dont think someone commenting that they helped more than they did and suggesting that without them OP wouldnt have her house is "none of her business'?