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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So I’m guessing that the friend I invited to meet up with me this afternoon isn’t coming…

145 replies

Watermelon46 · 18/09/2022 14:21

I think there must be something wrong with me and dd which repels people…

DD16 is having an awkward time with friends at the moment. She and I have no idea what may have caused this. There is nothing obvious.

Dd had tried to arrange to meet up with a few different friends this weekend but had been declined by all of them. Some have met up without her.

I then messaged a friend of mine yesterday, who has a dc the same age as my dd to see if they fancied meeting up with us this afternoon. I thought this would be nice for dd (and me). She replied warmly and enthusiastically, thanking me for the invite and said she’d check their plans and let us know.

Well I am still waiting to hear back and obviously they aren’t coming now and it’s too late to arrange anything else.

This isn’t the first time we have been in a situation like this, it has happened a few years ago too and was a hugely stressful time. We got through that and have had a happy, stable couple of years.

There is obviously something wrong with both of us but I am clueless…

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 18/09/2022 14:28

Why didn’t you message her again this morning and say “just checking re this afternoon, so you want to meet at X at Y time?”

Waiting in for someone who has clearly got plans / forgot to reply is a bit silly

Allthestarsabovemyhead · 18/09/2022 14:29

Yeah I gave up on friends. They always have someone better.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2022 14:30

I’d have messaged or called this morning saying we’re planning our day and checking whether we were meeting.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 18/09/2022 14:34

They're being shit. Think of something enjoyable the two of you can do together.

Joshanddonna · 18/09/2022 14:36

I think friendships and life goes like this. I would personally think f**k them and go and have fun with your dd.
My dd took a long time to find her tribe and was often rejected and now she has made friends and is happy.

userxx · 18/09/2022 14:37

Allthestarsabovemyhead · 18/09/2022 14:29

Yeah I gave up on friends. They always have someone better.

That is unbelievably sad.

skyeisthelimit · 18/09/2022 14:38

If she didn't get back to you then nothing was arranged . I would have messaged this morning and said, just checking that you can't make it today before I do something else.

mountainsunsets · 18/09/2022 14:38

I wouldn't wait around on someone to get back to me.

Why didn't you go out with your DD this morning and do something fun together instead of wasting your day waiting around on someone who couldn't be bothered to text you back?

ImJustNotMeAnymore · 18/09/2022 14:39

Allthestarsabovemyhead · 18/09/2022 14:29

Yeah I gave up on friends. They always have someone better.

Could have written this myself.

FabFitFifties · 18/09/2022 14:43

skyeisthelimit · 18/09/2022 14:38

If she didn't get back to you then nothing was arranged . I would have messaged this morning and said, just checking that you can't make it today before I do something else.

This. I hope you and your daughter can enjoy each other's company for today.

Testina · 18/09/2022 14:44

I have a 15yo. She has her own friends. She would have zero interest in hanging out with a daughter of my friend who was also 15. Chances are, your friend mentioned it to her daughter her asked not to. Not because of anything personal against your daughter - just because they’re not friends. It’s rude of your friend not to bow out though. But I think you’re building it up in your mind over something unrelated from a few years ago. Sometimes, people are flaky and that’s all there is to it.

You are being unhelpful my overdramatic to state that “obviously” there is something wrong with both of you.

Prinnny · 18/09/2022 14:46

Sounds like the daughter wasn’t keen hence your no reply. Take DD out and treat her, quick look out to Zara or for nice lunch and a mocktail?

spagbog5 · 18/09/2022 14:49

I agree with other posters
My dd would hate to meet up with another teenager when the only thing they have in common is their age!
You come across as really negative and I hope you aren't telling dd all you have posted .
Go out and make your own fun , don't expect others to make you happy, teach your child the same.
Why can't you two get a lunch together or a museum, shopping, cinema trip ?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 18/09/2022 14:51

I'm really sorry your Daughter is having a hard time with her friends but I honestly think you have just made the situation worse and made her feel worse.

I have a 16 year old and no way would they want to hang out with me, my m,ate and their 16 yo who isnt their friend. I can guarantee your friends dd has said 'not a chance' when your friend asked her. This is no reflection on you or your dd.

You need to help your dd with her own friends rather than exept your friends dd to befriend her.

mackthepony · 18/09/2022 14:52

I'd have texted her back and said, are you free or not?

Especially via text, it needs to be explicit what's going OK

Testina · 18/09/2022 14:52

I wonder about the actual message you sent.
I’m projecting now but…

I lack confidence sometimes that friends will want to spend time with me. Not my closest friends, but slightly wider circle - people who’ve come into my life through our children, for example - like a hockey club mum I’ve got into sharing lifts with.

So I might send out quite a vague message, basically so that they don’t have to reject me, something that suggests I am not reliant on an answer for my own plan. Like, “hey, we’re walking the dog in Big Park tomorrow afternoon, if you’re at a loose end.”
Which can very much be left with an open ended, “thanks will let you know”.

The fact you have fears about friendships and didn’t chase her makes me wonder if you do similar?

mackthepony · 18/09/2022 14:53

What zero said too. Double dating with your mum as a sixteen year old is a no go I reckon

Testina · 18/09/2022 14:54

Not sure I explained that very well! But I mean, I wonder if you set up the offer of spending time with you as optional and not needing confirmation, as a defence mechanism to rejection.

Or she could just be flaky and rude! But - you know her, we don’t!

mamabear715 · 18/09/2022 15:00

Get yourselves out! Cinema? Lovely walk? Anything. Have fun!

I too find it best not to rely on others, @Allthestarsabovemyhead I hope that's what you meant? Hugs..

Lunificent · 18/09/2022 15:00

I wouldn’t try to engineer a social situation for a 16 year old. She’s a bit too old for that, notwithstanding that she’s finding it hard to have friendships.
Re: your daughter, I’d encourage joining groups of shared interest out of school.
Re you: just see people that you know want to see you.

okytdvhuoo · 18/09/2022 15:04

Testina · 18/09/2022 14:44

I have a 15yo. She has her own friends. She would have zero interest in hanging out with a daughter of my friend who was also 15. Chances are, your friend mentioned it to her daughter her asked not to. Not because of anything personal against your daughter - just because they’re not friends. It’s rude of your friend not to bow out though. But I think you’re building it up in your mind over something unrelated from a few years ago. Sometimes, people are flaky and that’s all there is to it.

You are being unhelpful my overdramatic to state that “obviously” there is something wrong with both of you.

Agree, reading too much into it and making it really personal when they never confirmed anyway. Don’t make it into a ‘thing’ and create this sense of stigma around you and your daughter!

Summerslam · 18/09/2022 15:05

I don't think you should have tried to arrange a meet up for you and your daughter. She's not a toddler in need of a playdate.

You should have put a positive spin on the situation and made plans just for the two of you. A shopping trip, followed by lunch then cinema and/or bowling.

You are putting your negative attitude regarding friendships onto your daughter. You can't do this, it's going to mess her up. She's 16. Over the next few years, 6th form perhaps, college, university, working - she will find her tribe, and she will make genuine friends. You can't force friendships.

wildthingsinthenight · 18/09/2022 15:11

This sounds hard OP💐 Hooe yiu sre both ok.
I agree with others that I probably would have messaged this morning to double check if they can come or not just to avoid the uncertainty and hanging about more than anything.
And I do agree that I wouldn't arrange things for your daughter.
Hope you salvaged part of your Sunday

Brendabigbaps · 18/09/2022 15:14

userxx · 18/09/2022 14:37

That is unbelievably sad.

Show quote history

Unbelievably sad but very true for a lot of people. Me included

Nocutenamesleft · 18/09/2022 15:14

Allthestarsabovemyhead · 18/09/2022 14:29

Yeah I gave up on friends. They always have someone better.

Yup. Same.

as of right now I don’t really have a single friend. I feel so incredibly lonely and unloved it’s unreal.