Page 6 | So I’m guessing that the friend I invited to meet up with me this afternoon isn’t coming…

Watermelon46 · 2022-09-18T13:21:18+00:00

I think there must be something wrong with me and dd which repels people… DD16 is having an awkward time with friends at the moment. She and I have no idea what may have caused this. There is nothing obvious. Dd had tried to arrange to meet up with a few different friends this weekend but had been declined by all of them. Some have met up without her. I then messaged a friend of mine yesterday, who has a dc the same age as my dd to see if they fancied meeting up with us this afternoon. I thought this would be nice for dd (and me). She replied warmly and enthusiastically, thanking me for the invite and said she’d check their plans and let us know. Well I am still waiting to hear back and obviously they aren’t coming now and it’s too late to arrange anything else. This isn’t the first time we have been in a situation like this, it has happened a few years ago too and was a hugely stressful time. We got through that and have had a happy, stable couple of years. There is obviously something wrong with both of us but I am clueless…

mountainsunsets · 18/09/2022 18:56

I think it's important to remember that most people's behaviour isn't a reflection on what they think of you, though. Mostly it's all about them, their personality and their personal situation.

For example, if I don't text someone back, it could be for numerous reasons:

I was doing something else on my phone at the time, read the message and forgot to reply.
I got distracted by the door/the TV/the dog/DH asking me a question.
I made a note to reply before bed and forgot.
I'm tired/upset/worried/distracted and don't feel like getting into a conversation or making set plans in case I have to cancel.

It's nothing to do with the specific person texting me and everything to do me, my mood and my life.

Don't take everything so personally - life is too short.

Jellywobblescobbles · 18/09/2022 19:10

Anytimeiseeit · 18/09/2022 18:33

I disagree. A polite no is saying you can’t because you have other plans. There’s nothing polite about saying you will let them know and then not doing so

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Totally agree. It’s completely rude to leave a friend hanging on.

Original poster

Watermelon46 · 18/09/2022 19:17

mountainsunsets · 18/09/2022 18:56

I think it's important to remember that most people's behaviour isn't a reflection on what they think of you, though. Mostly it's all about them, their personality and their personal situation.

For example, if I don't text someone back, it could be for numerous reasons:

I was doing something else on my phone at the time, read the message and forgot to reply.
I got distracted by the door/the TV/the dog/DH asking me a question.
I made a note to reply before bed and forgot.
I'm tired/upset/worried/distracted and don't feel like getting into a conversation or making set plans in case I have to cancel.

It's nothing to do with the specific person texting me and everything to do me, my mood and my life.

Don't take everything so personally - life is too short.

Yes good point.

I think I am fine and think like this when everything is generally going well with me but not so good at it when things are going badly elsewhere in my life.

OP posts:

Anytimeiseeit · 18/09/2022 19:18

Sisisisi · 18/09/2022 18:42

They might not have other plans but just not fancy it, feel tired,be grieving or just want to do nothing.
I think I will let you knowif we can come is a fairly ok way to cover the above without having to say "I dont want to"

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im afraid I disagree. There’s nothing ok about telling someone you’ll let them know and then not doing so. It’s just rude and it makes the other person wait, dangling on a string, for the reply that never comes, as if their time and emotions are less important than yours.
And they shouldn’t have to chase, it’s simple, if you say I’ll let you know then you do exactly that. If you don’t want to meet up for whatever reason then you tell the truth or make an excuse.

BadNomad · 18/09/2022 19:20

Equally, OP, what kind of friend are you to others? How did you word your initial message? Might your friend think you only contacted her because you are bored or just wanted entertainment for you and your daughter today.

Murdoch1949 · 18/09/2022 19:21

Your friend was rude and unkind. Even if her child wasn't interested or busy, she could have replied. Unless she comes back with a bloody good apology, I'd drop her like a stone, but that's me, you sound nicer!

Sisisisi · 18/09/2022 19:26

Anytimeiseeit · 18/09/2022 19:18

im afraid I disagree. There’s nothing ok about telling someone you’ll let them know and then not doing so. It’s just rude and it makes the other person wait, dangling on a string, for the reply that never comes, as if their time and emotions are less important than yours.
And they shouldn’t have to chase, it’s simple, if you say I’ll let you know then you do exactly that. If you don’t want to meet up for whatever reason then you tell the truth or make an excuse.

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The thing is I wouldnt be waiting for a reply because I would understand that their reply meant they werent keen.
I think most people know what they are doing the next day !

Original poster

Watermelon46 · 18/09/2022 19:27

BloodyCamping · 18/09/2022 17:54

I think you need to phrase your initial question to your friend better ‘just planning ahead. let me know tonight if you’re up for meeting Monday’. If she fails to get back to you the day of the text, approach another friend to meet up

it’s really normal to have times when people are busy elsewhere. If arrangements are too last minute this can be common so try to plan more in advance.

Yes this is a good idea and more clear

OP posts:

Anytimeiseeit · 18/09/2022 19:34

Sisisisi · 18/09/2022 19:26

The thing is I wouldnt be waiting for a reply because I would understand that their reply meant they werent keen.
I think most people know what they are doing the next day !

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So “I’ll get back to you” is just a way of saying “no I don’t want to” and people know this? If that’s the case then there’s nothing polite about it is there?

Sisisisi · 18/09/2022 19:42

Anytimeiseeit · 18/09/2022 19:34

So “I’ll get back to you” is just a way of saying “no I don’t want to” and people know this? If that’s the case then there’s nothing polite about it is there?

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In this particular context, yes.
I read it as " I will let you know if we can make it"
To me that would suggest they werent keen so I wouldnt press it further.

Anytimeiseeit · 18/09/2022 19:45

Sisisisi · 18/09/2022 19:42

In this particular context, yes.
I read it as " I will let you know if we can make it"
To me that would suggest they werent keen so I wouldnt press it further.

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But the ops friend says she would check their plans and let her know. Not that she would let her know if she could make it.

im pretty astounded at how people can justify this and not think it rude.

Anytimeiseeit · 18/09/2022 19:45

But the ops friend says she would check their plans and let her know. Not that she would let her know if she could make it.

im pretty astounded at how people can justify this and not think it rude.

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”not” rude

MsMartini · 18/09/2022 19:46

People often reply to me saying I'll get back to you - and then they do! - so it cannot be accepted code for "No".

Even if I am tired or stressed, I say yes/no or very occasionally, not sure, will come back to you by X, pretty promptly. I think it is courteous to others but also allows me to plan as I don't have a diary/cluttered head filled with maybes and unsent messages. But lots of people are not like this, and I think the "let me know by tonight" is a good idea. OP, I hope you both feel a bit cheerier soon - honestly think these things just happen and the main thing is not to hang around yourselves - go and do something fun, send cheery msg to friends saying we are doing x, do join us for coffee later or whatever if you like. But i think especially if you are feeling low, hanging around waiting for replies just makes you feel even more rubbish.

Sisisisi · 18/09/2022 20:00

MsMartini · 18/09/2022 19:46

People often reply to me saying I'll get back to you - and then they do! - so it cannot be accepted code for "No".

Even if I am tired or stressed, I say yes/no or very occasionally, not sure, will come back to you by X, pretty promptly. I think it is courteous to others but also allows me to plan as I don't have a diary/cluttered head filled with maybes and unsent messages. But lots of people are not like this, and I think the "let me know by tonight" is a good idea. OP, I hope you both feel a bit cheerier soon - honestly think these things just happen and the main thing is not to hang around yourselves - go and do something fun, send cheery msg to friends saying we are doing x, do join us for coffee later or whatever if you like. But i think especially if you are feeling low, hanging around waiting for replies just makes you feel even more rubbish.

I did say in thiscontext, with the invite being the next day.
If someone made noises about not being sure etc at that stage I would assume they werent up for it and let it go.

Of course people reply to longer term invites, plans etc

.

MsMartini · 18/09/2022 20:31

@Sisisisi yes of course, sorry, that wasn't replying to you (several people said it)

Sisisisi · 18/09/2022 20:41

MsMartini · 18/09/2022 20:31

@Sisisisi yes of course, sorry, that wasn't replying to you (several people said it)

Ooops sorry!

5128gap · 18/09/2022 21:00

I think you're just having a socially rough patch OP with a few negative experiences piling on at the same time, and it's colouring everything.
Imagine if you and DD had spent several days this week socialising with other people and last night you'd each been to a party. If the same thing then happened with this friend, I reckon you'd have just shrugged and thought 'oh she must be busy'
The same as if your own friendships had been going well and DD fell out with hers, you'd probably just think 'that's teens for you. They'll be friends again next week'.
Your run of bad luck is making you get this latest thing out of perspective. If there was something wrong with you and DD you'd have had no friends in the first place. It just sounds like a few have unfortunately been unreliable at the same time.

Original poster

Watermelon46 · 18/09/2022 21:10

5128gap · 18/09/2022 21:00

I think you're just having a socially rough patch OP with a few negative experiences piling on at the same time, and it's colouring everything.
Imagine if you and DD had spent several days this week socialising with other people and last night you'd each been to a party. If the same thing then happened with this friend, I reckon you'd have just shrugged and thought 'oh she must be busy'
The same as if your own friendships had been going well and DD fell out with hers, you'd probably just think 'that's teens for you. They'll be friends again next week'.
Your run of bad luck is making you get this latest thing out of perspective. If there was something wrong with you and DD you'd have had no friends in the first place. It just sounds like a few have unfortunately been unreliable at the same time.

Yes you’re absolutely right. It’s a series of unfortunate events, each clouding the other and making it hard to see things with my sensible head on

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 18/09/2022 22:54

Try not to catastrophise, @Watermelon46

If you find your friendship group seems to be disintegrating, it's not necessarily due to any deep flaw in your personality.

You could try a friend app or join a class where people sit around doing a craft or art or learning some sort of ethnic cooking, where conversation can happen and connections can blossom.

HuzzahIndeed · 18/09/2022 23:28

I'll get back to you is so ambiguous though. Some people think it means "I don't want to" but others think it means "I'll get back to you". For those who think it means "I don't want to", what do you say when you really do mean "I'll get back to you"?

A simple "I can't, sorry but have fun" is much clearer and more respectful. Plus, it doesn't embarrass the other person because they won't keep asking you. Just say "no thanks" if that is what you mean.