So I’m guessing that the friend I invited to meet up with me this afternoon isn’t coming…

[Watermelon46]

I think there must be something wrong with me and dd which repels people…

DD16 is having an awkward time with friends at the moment. She and I have no idea what may have caused this. There is nothing obvious.

Dd had tried to arrange to meet up with a few different friends this weekend but had been declined by all of them. Some have met up without her.

I then messaged a friend of mine yesterday, who has a dc the same age as my dd to see if they fancied meeting up with us this afternoon. I thought this would be nice for dd (and me). She replied warmly and enthusiastically, thanking me for the invite and said she’d check their plans and let us know.

Well I am still waiting to hear back and obviously they aren’t coming now and it’s too late to arrange anything else.

This isn’t the first time we have been in a situation like this, it has happened a few years ago too and was a hugely stressful time. We got through that and have had a happy, stable couple of years.

There is obviously something wrong with both of us but I am clueless…

Because I wanted to wait to see if she would reply without being forced into it.

Because I am feeling raw about invites after trying to arrange a few things with my friends recently which have been cancelled by them at short notice.

I didn’t wait in all day. We have been out and about this morning and were busy with activities already planned with my dc’s.

To me it is courteous to reply either way.

"Hi chum-I-messaged-yesterday, dd and I are just off to the pub/garden centre/local NT place, would you like to meet us there for coffee and cake?"

Bright and breezy, send it now and they'll never know you'd been waiting in all day for them which was nuts anyway as you didn't have firm plans

You can’t fix a 16yo’s social life for them. It’s doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you, just that most teenagers don’t want their parents having anything to do with their social lives.

Enjoy some mum & daughter time together and let her work things out with her friends herself.

Maybe there is. Maybe there isn’t? But this thinking isn’t healthy for your daughter. Go do something fun. Focus on yourselves for a bit.

I hail from a small town in Texas. Everyone is extremely religious in that town. Everything, EVERYTHING is always circling back to Jesus in conversation. But I am the type of person that likes to question things our point out inconsistencies. It’s just how I am. But I was taught not to do that. But I think they detected it on my face or my body language. I don’t know… Everyone assumes you are christian in this town. If you are not or you don’t fit the mold then you are considered awful.

I used to feel the exact same way you felt. “I must be the problem. Everyone here hates me. I must be an awful person.” And then I moved to Canada and I have zero issues making friends and talking to people. But now I’m horribly traumatized and I don’t like hanging around people because I learned to be on my own.

Sometimes it’s not necessarily you that is the problem. In some cases you really can be surrounded by assholes. But it’s hard to imagine.

It’s sometimes good to focus on just yourself and distance yourself from the situation. Not everything is something that can be solved. Find a hobby or activity you both enjoy. In the mean time find a therapist you can both talk to.

Try not to give your daughter the impression that you think something is wrong with her. That will really mess with her self esteem.

Yes that is pretty much how I feel at the moment too. Today’s example is the tip
of the iceberg recently.

I can sympathise with how you feel, it’s totally rubbish to be a low priority to friends x

I think unless they two DD's know each other and get on then it would be awkward to bring them both along. My dd (a bit younger) would hate for me to make her go along to meet my work colleague (for example) and their dd (who they dont know). I think you're reading too much into it.

I’m concerned why you are so involved in planning play dates for your teen DD and that you’re taking this women not coming over so personally.

Unfortunately people are busy and its
nothing your DD is doing which I hope you’ve reassured her about.

From your OP it almost sounds like you’re both wallowing in self pity.

I don't get this attitude at all. Why would you be high priority to friends? It's sunday, their priorities will be their families.
People make such a big deal about friends, they expect far too much. I have friends, quite a lot, probably because I'm not as demanding as those of you who struggle with friendships.

I could have, but didn’t want to put pressure on as we were going to go to the meeting place anyway whether they came or not, so a short notice yes would have been fine.

I also am feeling that there must be a reason people keep cancelling or saying they can’t meet up with me atm, this is not an isolated occasion!

Thanks, we are going anyway and I will make sure we have a nice time.

“didn’t want to put pressure on as we were going to go to the meeting place anyway whether they came or not, so a short notice yes would have been fine.”

This sounds so much like what I was describing in my previous posts.

You set a friend up not to need to reply, then got upset when she didn’t.

You made it sound like a really low key “come if you’ve nothing better to do, no need to confirm, doesn’t matter if you’re there or not” situation, then got upset when she treated it exactly that way.

I'm sorry your friend didn't get back in touch. Maybe next time, follow up a few hours later so you know where you stand and you can make other plans if necessary?

I've given up on friends too tbh. I've thought I've found my people at various times and each time it's become apparent I always text first and that I'm just not important to them.

I'm worth more than that and I'd rather be by myself than with people who don't value me. Well most of the time I think that anyway and then sometimes the loneliness hits and I question my worth.

Ooh, I really think you have to be careful about the message you're passing on to your daughter. There's nothing wrong with either of you, but you can't project like this.

I’d text your friend anyway to say that you’re heading over to X and you hope to see them there. It’s not being pushy, just letting them know that you’re going regardless.

I agree with PP’s about making social arrangements for your DD. At 16, this really doesn’t work, I gave up doing this for DS (14) around 12 and I haven’t been involved in DD’s (17) for years.

Thanks, yes we will.

My dd had a hard time with friends on and off in the early high school years and eventually found a nice group who she has socialised with all summer. She was out and about a lot and very happy.

Something has changed recently and the signs are similar to when she was last having problems with social exclusion about 2 years ago.

Its hard to be supportive when you don’t know what is going on fully and it makes me wonder if it is something which we are doing unknowingly, as I have had the same situations with friends on and off too.

Nothing was confirmed but surely it is polite of her to her to accept or decline?

We did and have.

We haven’t waited around.

But the fact remains that they haven’t replied which leaves a bad taste and make us feel rubbish and unimportant.

You either are active or passive. I would have definitely sent a text either last night or this morning double checking if she wanted to join. Then if not, I would have had plenty of time to organise something else.

It is not having the skin of a rhino, it is being realistic that sometimes people are busy/ there are genuinely better offers and a chance to hang out will come around again.

If there is too much pressure on an invite, it feels 'off'.

It was discourteous of your friend not to give you a firm yes or no.

Priority is a matter of perspective though. I wonder if your friend feels a bit used, especially if your invitations usually include her DD? Perhaps she may interpret them as you only wanting to spend time with her if she provides her DD as a companion for your DD.

I'm sure that's absolutely not what you meant, but maybe check that future invitations are quite clear that you'd love for her to join you, be it with her DD or by herself!

My friend’s dc is her good friend too. He is a boy.

We have often met up together as we all share a hobby and usually have a good time.

My dd also has her own friends and has met up with them all summer without me having anything to do with it.

I tried to do something to cheer up my dd but it has backfired, I won’t try that again.

I think you presume it may be something you are doing wrong when it becomes a repeating pattern with different friends not a one-off?

We have often met up together as we all share a hobby and usually have a good time.

So if this is someone you’ve met up with several times and have had a good time then they’re obviously busy this one time

There’s no need to take it so personally.

Thanks, yes probably one of them wasn’t keen, but a simple reply saying sorry they can’t make it would have been kinder!

Are you always arranging it at short notice the day before? I think you need to look a this differently. Maybe she feels that you only messaged her yesterday to fill a last minute gap and maybe she doesn't feel valued. If you really want to see this friend you need to be persistent and get a date on the calendar in advance. You sound like you've got yourself in a bit of a pity party rut with all this 'There must be something wrong with us' nonsense. I am sure there is nothing wrong with either of you apart from taking it all a bit too personally. Have you voiced these negative attitudes to your daughter? Or have you just said, never mind so and so must have been busy but we'll catch up another time. As others have said, you could ha e texted your friend for clarification, whilst it might feel like a rejection that she forgot the reality could be she is just really knackered or something.

@Watermelon46 STOP doing this to your daughter:

“But the fact remains that they haven’t replied which leaves a bad taste and make us feel rubbish and unimportant.”

Your friend didn’t come back to you about your suggestion, which she never committed to joining you at.

So why are you saying anything to your daughter that would make her feel rubbish?

You should be saying nothing more to your daughter than a breezy, “oh Clare’s said they’re not free, so it’s just you and me.”

The tone of your posts, even the title, make it sound worrying likely you’re also dumping your emotions on you daughter. I hope I’m wrong.

What actual things are you trying to plan? You just see meeting up but then say meeting place... Where or what are you wanting to do? Just todays example?