So I’m guessing that the friend I invited to meet up with me this afternoon isn’t coming…

[Watermelon46]

I think there must be something wrong with me and dd which repels people…

DD16 is having an awkward time with friends at the moment. She and I have no idea what may have caused this. There is nothing obvious.

Dd had tried to arrange to meet up with a few different friends this weekend but had been declined by all of them. Some have met up without her.

I then messaged a friend of mine yesterday, who has a dc the same age as my dd to see if they fancied meeting up with us this afternoon. I thought this would be nice for dd (and me). She replied warmly and enthusiastically, thanking me for the invite and said she’d check their plans and let us know.

Well I am still waiting to hear back and obviously they aren’t coming now and it’s too late to arrange anything else.

This isn’t the first time we have been in a situation like this, it has happened a few years ago too and was a hugely stressful time. We got through that and have had a happy, stable couple of years.

There is obviously something wrong with both of us but I am clueless…

I am crap with organising things, if people dont do it, I am highly unlikely to. Like, we start organising a meet up, and then it all falls apart as I am waiting for others and they are waiting for someone else than them to organise things, dates come and go and nothing happens. Maybe your friend is the same, you actully need to organise stuff, set the date etc and then they will turn up, otherwise, maybe they were waiting for you to take charge as you were the one who suggested it?

Which is rude.

Don't tell someone you'll come back to them if you have no intention of doing so, just politely decline like a decent human being.

I'm sorry you're feeling low about friendships. It can be terribly hurtful if we think we are somehow a social pariah.

Is it worth talking to the teacher at your daughter's school/6th form to see if they have any idea what's going on? I suspect though that it will just be girls settling themselves out. I changed friendships a LOT at that age (and I'm fine with plenty of friends as an adult :) )

I think adults in general these days have less time for maintaining friendships than we all did 10 or 20 years ago, so bear that in mind. We are all busy, stressed and trying to do too many things at once and friendships are the easiest thing to let slide, a little or a lot. For example: I have just met up with a friend today for a walk. We have been trying to arrange something since the 26th of July. There are three of us who try to meet up together and we had to do this one without one person as she couldn't make it last minute. We usually manage twice or three times a year, with a fairly hefty amount of group messaging. None of us have children, and only one has a partner, so in theory we are fairly easy to get hold of, but life really does just happen. I'm terrible at getting back to people if I'm not free to reply immediately; I just forget. One of my best friends is the same; she can take days to get back to me if I've tried calling or messaging her. Even my friends who are colleagues who live in the same town, we only manage to go for a curry after work with a LOT of messaging, chasing up, rescheduling etc. I have let a friendship with somebody who I absolutely adore slip probably too far gone, because I was the only who ever arranged meeting up, and much though I resent her never being first to try to arrange something, I really regret letting that slide. That was her only fault, it was being disorganised/overwhelmed rather than deliberate neglect of the friendship and she was a really close friend.

I'm waffling but my point is this: please don't feel discouraged because somebody didn't get back to you in time. Please don't be disheartened if people are hard to get hold of and plans seem difficult to make; that's not just you, that's the way of the world and much though we can wish it was different it's not you, it's everyone. Finally please don't let how others have treated you historically affect how you behave and feel around different people. Next time, just send a follow up message or give her a call, and try not to take it personally. I know that's easier said than done, but nothing you have said makes me think you are doing anything offputting. x

Agree with this.
I will let you know if I can make it type reply.
Do you think you might be rather rejection sensitive Op?
Because I wanted to wait to see if she would reply without being forced into it

This sounds really intense and like a trap tbh

This.

I think you need to phrase your initial question to your friend better ‘just planning ahead. let me know tonight if you’re up for meeting Monday’. If she fails to get back to you the day of the text, approach another friend to meet up

it’s really normal to have times when people are busy elsewhere. If arrangements are too last minute this can be common so try to plan more in advance.

“Do you think you might be rather rejection sensitive Op?”

yes I think so, it would appear so definitely.

“This sounds really intense and like a trap tbh”

it was to prove the point in my head that I am a social pariah

Thanks for this, this is what I needed

And you wonder why you struggle socially?

You don't seem to understand 'I'll let you known' is a polite no - if you're missing general social cues this could also be feeding into the social rejection of you and your DD

I really do think its likely she meant she would let you know if she was free rather than is ignoring you.
Its a form of self sabotage to imagine that everyone is against you and then spiral in a negative way.
I would resolve that next time if you havent heard , you just go out anyway.
She could always join you there.

Yes. Just fucking rude. Stop pretending you have plans to check, everyone knows whether they're free the next day or not.

If you mean no then why be so fucking passive aggressive about it?

You can reframe all of what you have written and come to a much more positive finding if you choose.

Spot on!

“You don't seem to understand 'I'll let you known' is a polite no”

No I didn’t know that. I thought it meant I will let you know when I’ve checked plans etc

Thanks, this is good advice

Maybe you're missing a fair few social cues then as this is quite a 'normal' one

It's a polite way of letting someone down 99% of the time

I sometimes say “I’ll let you know” without it being a brush off. But I would text back to say “can’t do tomorrow how’s next Tues” or whatever.

OP, I don’t know if there’s something wrong with the way you present or you seem like hard work. But I genuinely believe that there’s someone for everyone. Lots of people are lonely and would like more friends. Don’t give up. Keep making plans. Put yourself out there!

OP, my dd had a bit of a bumpy teen time with friends (she's fine now - got loads of friends - she is very empathetic and rather anxious and as a teen, the balance was a bit...lopsided). I'd sometimes arrange family type meet ups (which we still do actually) as a break for her from the stressy stuff - it helped her build confidence and a mix of ages can be really fun I think.

In terms of people getting back to you, I dunno...I have friends who are actually a bit rubbish with their phones/diaries and forget and others who assume that I will go ahead and make other plans if they haven't replied within a reasonable amount of time. If you text the day before, I wouldn't wait longer than the next morning and possibly not that long to make other plans (might update friend or might not, depending on plan and situation eg whether they cd still join us). When people ask me, I usually check my diary, reply ASAP, write it in and move on, but not everyone is like that, including some lovely, really true friends.

To prove you are a social pariah?

Seriously ?? If you don’t value you, why should others? It seems you are stuck in a bad place, this kind of self destructive behavior is not the way to go.

You have value, find it, believe in it and things will turn around. If you will not invest in you, why should others? Truly not trying to be mean, hope it all works out for you.

Friendships take alot of work e g texting calling, meeting up etc. She needs tomout more effort into chatting with her friends.

I disagree. A polite no is saying you can’t because you have other plans. There’s nothing polite about saying you will let them know and then not doing so

Agree with this also if you are coming out with this down on yourself , negative vibe around others they will avoid you.

Op I found my confidence got knocked a bit re friends lately. I see your point. A simple yes or no reply takes a minute to text. Im finding the flakiness/non comittal of people is annoying. I stop the chasing people

They might not have other plans but just not fancy it, feel tired,be grieving or just want to do nothing.
I think I will let you knowif we can come is a fairly ok way to cover the above without having to say "I dont want to"