So I’m guessing that the friend I invited to meet up with me this afternoon isn’t coming…

[Watermelon46]

I think there must be something wrong with me and dd which repels people…

DD16 is having an awkward time with friends at the moment. She and I have no idea what may have caused this. There is nothing obvious.

Dd had tried to arrange to meet up with a few different friends this weekend but had been declined by all of them. Some have met up without her.

I then messaged a friend of mine yesterday, who has a dc the same age as my dd to see if they fancied meeting up with us this afternoon. I thought this would be nice for dd (and me). She replied warmly and enthusiastically, thanking me for the invite and said she’d check their plans and let us know.

Well I am still waiting to hear back and obviously they aren’t coming now and it’s too late to arrange anything else.

This isn’t the first time we have been in a situation like this, it has happened a few years ago too and was a hugely stressful time. We got through that and have had a happy, stable couple of years.

There is obviously something wrong with both of us but I am clueless…

I'm sorry you're feeling this way OP.

I agree with PP that there is a difference between saying
(1) "Do you want to meet in town for lunch on Saturday?"
and
(2) "I'm going into town on Saturday, let me know if you fancy meeting for lunch".

On reflection, with my close friends I'd say (1) but with people I'm just friendly with I tend to say (2). Fear of rejection maybe 🤷‍♀️

But the fact remains that they haven’t replied which leaves a bad taste and make us feel rubbish and unimportant.

They should have responded but maybe they forgot, or there was an emergency, or maybe (like me) they mentally replied and never pressed send. I do it all the time.

If I was keen to meet someone I would message them and follow it up, not sit back passively and then get upset because they hadn't messaged.

Maybe your friend thinks she's replied and is equally upset because she thinks you're ignoring her?

The 'US' in your reply says a lot here.

Ok you made a mistake trying to arrange something with your mate and her dd Surely you didnt tell your dd about this?

The other dc is her good friend.

We have come out anyway.

Yes I am feeling negative after what feels like a pattern of rejection recently. No I have not passed that message onto dd. I didn’t even tell her I had messaged the friend. We were going anyway, so would have been nice to see them there.

The lack of reply leaves a sour taste though and makes me wonder if the issue is with us, hence the post.

I have a 16 year old and I’d never manage his friendships or try to hook him up with a friend’s kid - how bloody awkward.

I think you are overthinking this and your expectations of friendships are too high. You are probably also projecting this in to your daughter.

Just do something yourselves together, friends come and go, don’t put too much pressure on things.

I don’t think a reply is always due.
Take, “I’ll let you know”.

You hear, “I will let you know either way”
She means, “I will let you know if we’ll join you”

For an existing friend you’ve met with many times before, at most I’d think a reply had her slipped her mind.

When people are flaky, forgetful or even downright rude in not replying, it’s not about you and your worth, it’s about them.

You may be on the receiving end of a perfectly normal number of cancellations and lack of replies, but take them all too personally.

Sorry OP but there are a few things in your posts that are uncomfortable reading. I had a friend who used to refer a lot to 'us', as in, her and her dd, and she would openly discuss all adult friendship issues with her quite young daughter. I found her boundaries really confusing and I stopped seeing her. She would do exactly what you are talking about, putting her and her dd in the same boat on every issue. If you feel awkward and rejected, just own it as you, don't bring your daughter into it as well. Because you might somehow still be giving her the message that you are both being rejected, as you are referring to repeatedly in your posts.

“No I have not passed that message onto dd. I didn’t even tell her I had messaged the friend.”

Then why did you right that it had left you both “us” feeling rubbish and rejected? That’s quite specific wording. You won’t admit here if you’re backtracking of course, but please, if you are - be more careful what you say to her.

Good for you eh. There are lots of reasons people may struggle with friendships, most have nothing to do with being demanding.🙄

Sane here I'm looking at my Facebook and a "friend" of mine is right in there having a "public meltdown" over her friends letting her down and I'm thinking you left me on read and dumped me more times than I can count for people who won't help you in a pinch so I left her to it as did others I daresay I will get calls soon asking for a lift here and a lift there but I won't be putting myself out its sad that I'm done with it

The other dc is her friend who is a boy and usually very keen to hang out with my dd. They message each other all through the day usually.

The reason I asked them was to try and cheer her up as we usually have a nice time together.

She does generally arrange social activities herself but sometimes we meet up with our dc’s together in a big group through our shared interest.

I am trying to help dd with her friends by trying to analyse if there may be something she is doing to contribute to these situations. I am posting on here, not going on about it to her to give her a complex.

To be honest I presumed she would let me know beforehand considering she sounded pleased to be invited and said she’d let me know!

The evidence on this thread, and others, seems to be that people demand an awful lot from their friends, and then feel hurt and let down when they don't get all they seek. That's demanding, and its setting themselves up for a fall.

I agree it's rude to keep you dangling. People should have the backbone to either accept or decline.

It is very difficult to make new friends in adulthood; most people are so preoccupied with work, life admin, kids and family that they just don't have/make time for other socializing.

I've found it easiest to make new friends while volunteering but again there's the time commitment.

Yes I can totally relate to this and am regularly guilty of this too because I also lack confidence that anyone would want to meet me!

But I was specific with date and time on this occasion and also said no problem if it’s too short notice.

I wouldn’t have been upset if they’d said no, it’s just the total lack of reply which has surprised and upset me a bit!

“I am trying to help dd with her friends by trying to analyse if there may be something she is doing to contribute to these situations. I am posting on here, not going on about it to her to give her a complex.”

Given that you thinks there’s something about you both that repels people, and you’re clearly bringing baggage about that, are you sure that your help isn’t going to do exactly that, re the complex?

No she’s not flaky or rude, which is why I’m at a loss to understand.

Im thinking she’s forgotten? But it was only yesterday I asked.

Or I’ve (or dd) done something really annoying or rude without knowing….

Hence the post

You know most likely you’ll get a message tonight, “so sorry Watermelon, time ran away with me - meant to get back to you - so, hope you had a good time?”

I feel for you op. It’s rubbish of your friend not to reply. It’s rude and I’d be hurt too. I hope you’ve had a nice day with your daughter

I am 65 and thought I'd made a new friend a few years before lockdown, but she let me down constantly, and my daughter said to either accept she was 'flaky' or end the friendship. It upset me too much being let down at the last minute, sometimes actually at the meeting place miles from home, I decided to let the friendship go.

I hope your daughter finds an interest or hobby and makes new friends. For my daughter, it was the high school drama group. Her confidence greatly increased and her social life was fun, plus they were nice young people.

Thanks, I don’t normally as she is fine doing it herself. But something is off the past couple of weeks.

She has a couple of clubs/hobbies with other friends, one of which is the dc we asked to meet up, who is her good friend there but lives further away so would need a lift to meet up.

Trouble is no one is asking to meet me, so do I invite people myself or just wait until someone does invite me?

“No she’s not flaky or rude, which is why I’m at a loss to understand.

Im thinking she’s forgotten? But it was only yesterday I asked.

Or I’ve (or dd) done something really annoying or rude without knowing….

Hence the post”

OK, so let’s be logical.
You’ve know this woman a while, met up with her a lot, her son messages your daughter all the time. She’s not rude.

How likely is each reason?

• She didn’t realise it was a hard confirm situation: 9/10
• something a bit distracting came up and none of us are perfect 8/10
• something very distracting came up: 7/10
• she forgot: 6/10
• actually she is rude and you just didn’t realise before, but that’s still on her, not you: 1/10
• You / your daughter did something awful that you’re totally unaware of in the space of 24 hours when you weren’t in contact with her… *0.0000001/10* 😀

Really stop and think about your thought patterns here!

Your daughter must know why her friends have fallen out with her op. I think unless something has been organised just carry on with your day. Don't wait around for them. If she hasn't got back to you that's a no. Though it's rude. She should have let you know she's not free.

If your DD and the other teenager are friends anyway, and message each other, then I would expect them to arrange their own meet-ups. Still awkward to meet with their mums, even if they are friends! Feels too much like a double date.

I have friends whose DC are friends with my 16yr old DD but I would still not arrange it just 4 of us, as the teenagers would find that really awkward (obviously it’s different if it was a large social gathering, like a BBQ).

I think you need to step back from trying to ‘help’ her with these friendships.

You are making an assumption that the problem is your DD. I don’t think that’s a helpful mindset. Teenagers change a lot and it might not be that she’s done anything wrong, they might be going down a different social route to her.
For example, some of my DDs previous friends started hanging out in the park and drinking. She wasn’t into that, I’m fairly certain they will have picked up on that, so she didn’t get asked along. It wasn’t that she had done anything wrong. Eventually she found some friends who were happier to hang out in Costa!

All you can do in encourage her to be comfortable in her own skin, develop her own interests, not be reliant on others for her happiness. She will find her own tribe, eventually. But if you project onto her that there’s something wrong with both of you, and have the ‘friends always let us down’ mindset, she may come across as needy.

I mean this gently - you are being very self-centred. In the sense that you are the centre of your world and are only seeing others as how they are part of your world. You know you could have text that friend this morning to arrange the meeting, but instead you chose to use her to prove there must be something wrong with you, as confirmation of the low opinion you have of yourself, to punish yourself. That is not fair on your friend. You're not even considering what other reasons she might have for not meeting up. You have no clue what she is going through. You don't really care either because you're only concerned about how it affected you. I'm pretty sure if you really look at all the times you think imply it's you, very few of them, if any, were actually about you.

Again, with your daughter, you have no idea why her friends didn't spend time with her this weekend, but you're automatically thinking it's because of her and other people are awful. So I do wonder if you've passed your own low-confidence, victim-mentality on to your daughter and now issues have been created that were never there to start with.