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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So I’m guessing that the friend I invited to meet up with me this afternoon isn’t coming…

145 replies

Watermelon46 · 18/09/2022 14:21

I think there must be something wrong with me and dd which repels people…

DD16 is having an awkward time with friends at the moment. She and I have no idea what may have caused this. There is nothing obvious.

Dd had tried to arrange to meet up with a few different friends this weekend but had been declined by all of them. Some have met up without her.

I then messaged a friend of mine yesterday, who has a dc the same age as my dd to see if they fancied meeting up with us this afternoon. I thought this would be nice for dd (and me). She replied warmly and enthusiastically, thanking me for the invite and said she’d check their plans and let us know.

Well I am still waiting to hear back and obviously they aren’t coming now and it’s too late to arrange anything else.

This isn’t the first time we have been in a situation like this, it has happened a few years ago too and was a hugely stressful time. We got through that and have had a happy, stable couple of years.

There is obviously something wrong with both of us but I am clueless…

OP posts:
Cherrysherbet · 18/09/2022 16:20

it’s totally rubbish to be a low priority to friends x

I can relate to this op. It feels horrible, and just lately I feel myself giving up on friendships.

Cherrysherbet · 18/09/2022 16:20

it’s totally rubbish to be a low priority to friends x

I can relate to this op. It feels horrible, and just lately I feel myself giving up on friendships.

ConfusedDottComm · 18/09/2022 16:23

My 15 year old son never wants to go anywhere with me. I have mum friends who have kids his age (boys and girls) and none are interested in meeting up anymore they just want to do their own thing. We were invited out for dinner with one last week actually but we had just returned from an event and wanted a chill day. I do hope you managed to have a nice day together.

lookthisway · 18/09/2022 16:24

I hope you and dd have a lovely time together. Teenage friendships are a rollercoaster at the best of times and I think as long you are there to support your dd, things will hopefully smooth over soon enough.

I would not read too much into her lack of reply, modern life means we are all so distracted that it is easy to forget about a text. It's rubbish but it is very common and not often meant. I am an organiser amongst my group of friends, and there are those who always reply in good time and then there are those who just don't. There has been no falling out, they are just crap at it, they do eventually but often the first line is 'sorry for slow reply and being rubbish' 😐

mathanxiety · 18/09/2022 16:29

Can your DD talk to you in detail about what's going on in her social group/school?

She is clearly being ostracised. What is happening?

I think BadNomad has a point here - how would you assess your daughter's confidence level?

FlissyPaps · 18/09/2022 16:30

Sorry you’re in this predicament OP. Rejection and loneliness at any age is awful. 💐

Is your DD able to join any local clubs at all? Sports, music, arts, drama? Does she have any hobbies/interests where she could make some friends?

Is she at school or college? It’s worth looking into if there are any clubs there.

I only have a couple of friends from when I was 16, the rest are friends I made at uni and through different jobs.

Can she look for a part time job or volunteer where there are people of a similar age?

When trying to make friends is better that we be ourselves. We attract like minded people when being ourselves and friendships form more naturally and easier. Id lay off trying to arrange meet ups with your friends who have DCs the same age. Your DD needs to do this for herself.

Endlessdays · 18/09/2022 16:30

Also you don’t know the reasons your friend didn’t reply. You are assuming its about you! And being quite judgemental. ‘She didn’t reply, so she doesn’t like me or DD, and is rude’.

I admit that occasionally I have forgotten to reply to a friend about a proposed meet-up, usually because something has distracted me e.g. I am having a stressful time at work, or there’s something going on with my own kids, or I am not feeling well, or having to look after my elderly parents etc.

My friend would send me a gentle nudge text - ‘are we still ok for coffee later? If not, no worries’ to which I reply with an apology for being forgetful, and then yes or no. You are projecting the reason for her not replying. Yes it was rude but people can have a lot of stuff going on you don’t always know about.

veganmayo · 18/09/2022 16:33

I get that you wanted her to reply without you texting again but there are so many reasons why she may not have beyond just not wanting to see you.

I don’t have the issues you’ve mentioned with friends but I (or someone) will still always text the evening or morning before a meet up to check we’re still on. I think that’s normal and not at all reflective of the person who asked being more invested/the other person not caring.

i get that the overall situation isn’t nice for you and your daughter but on the texting this morning front I think you’d have had a more positive outcome if you’d just asked rather than let pride and the sense of wanting her to reach out to you - she doesn’t know that you’re feeling this way and may equally have thought that because you didn’t follow up you were bothered whether or not she and her son came.

mondaytosunday · 18/09/2022 16:33

I hate 'I'll let you know' responses. They know if they are busy or not, they just want to see if a better offer or if they can be bothered when the time comes.
Now if I get 'I'll let you know', I give them a deadline. If I don't hear at least 24 hours before suggested meet up I'll assume it's not happening and make other plans. Should someone then get in touch after that I'm frank and say that I couldn't wait around so made other plans. Your time is as valuable as theirs.
Do something just you and your daughter - yesterday I went around a few open art studios with her and it was very interesting.

Hopeandlove · 18/09/2022 16:35

Joshanddonna · 18/09/2022 14:36

I think friendships and life goes like this. I would personally think f**k them and go and have fun with your dd.
My dd took a long time to find her tribe and was often rejected and now she has made friends and is happy.

This. I thought fuck it this morning and I planned a day trip out as the children are on a trip. An old school friend phoned about 9 am and I said I’m going here and she said that sounds nice so I invited her - don’t mind picked her up (she’s close by) and took her and we had a lovely time and she brought lunch as I drove / every one happy.

I have learnt I make me happy, friend came didn’t cause any stress or headache and was nice there no probs.

plan stuff with you dd show her you don’t need others and you enjoy her company

ask around on local groups - what it cool to go and see honestly some fab things come up and then we potter off

Alpineyog · 18/09/2022 16:35

If your daughter keeps running into these problems then yes, there probably is something going on.

You were very negative in your post so not sure if this is something you're both prone to do and therefore people don't gel with either of you very much.

The 'I'll let you know' is code for no thanks 99% of the time as well

ElectedOnThursday · 18/09/2022 16:41

Don’t assume your dd is somehow flawed socially, it is very normal for teens to have bumpy social lives. They are working out who they are at a time when their brains are not fully developed, so much can go wrong!! What your daughter is experiencing is going on in every second home of teenagers throughout the 🌎

Your situation is different. Adults usually have established friendships and social lives. But all sorts of things can disrupt this - illness, separation, moving area, financial restraints, and family obligations. But nothing has caused as much disruption as the pandemic, it has literally changed us and our lives forever.

Many people have reduced their social contact out of fear or habit (stopped going out) or reduced income/higher cost of living. Even if the activity is free, the cost of transport and:or entry/food has become prohibitive for a lot of people.

Mental heath struggles are real and people who previously may have socialised freely no longer feel able to.

And a lot of people have re-evaluated their lives and simply ducked out of even long-time friendships.

Personally, I have done all of the above. I got out of the habit of meeting up with friends. I re-evaluated friendships and dispensed with those that were unhealthy. I also found socialising much more tiring than previously after living quietly for so long.

So it is not as though the world is carrying on as usual and it is just you whose social life is patchy, your friends are probably experiencing difficulties too.

It can be helpful to assume the best, that they wanted to see you but were having a bad day/couldn’t afford it/had something come up.

I genuinely never mind being rescheduled and I believe my friends are cool with me doing the same. Because what we have is a genuine love for each other that is not determined by insecurity.

You can reframe all of what you have written and come to a much more positive finding if you choose.

Thatboymum · 18/09/2022 17:03

I have to say I think your silly for having wasted the day sitting around as unless they said yes let’s do that it was clearly a no. I’m quite bold and whether it’s a good or bad trait I’m quite confident at replying with a no sorry I can’t and don’t ever feel the need to give reasons why I can’t, I never say oh I’ll let you know, also my teenage dd would never in a million Sundays hang out with my friend and her kid just because I know them so don’t take it personal it’s fairly normal. I think my only advice from the tone of your op is that you need to find comfort confidence and happiness in your own company before trying to introduce others as a negative friend isn’t a good quality

Cats4life · 18/09/2022 17:04

I honestly think you are taking this so personally and you actually hadn’t made any plans to meet up at all. She probs should have text but bare in mind people are busy and genuinely just forget. I do this all the time it’s normal

if it was me I would’ve just text again in the morning and not made a big deal of it, even your replies here suggest you made too much of a deal out of the 2nd text and not wanting to put pressure on and wanting to see if she’d reply on her own etc

im a terrible replier and my friends all know it, one of my friends goes radio silence for months but it’s nothing to do with me, it’s her own issues.

there’s nothing wrong her except your own insecurities but ignore people saying to not bother with friends, friends are great and awful and selfish and supportive but they’re just people and have their own shit

mathanxiety · 18/09/2022 17:06

The 'I'll let you know' is code for no thanks 99% of the time as well

This ^^

There may be nuances of language that you and your daughter are missing here, both in texting/messaging and in RL interactions.

Goldpaw · 18/09/2022 17:07

People who say they'll check their plans and get back to you sometimes mean, not a chance I want to meet you but will never get back to you and tell you.

okytdvhuoo · 18/09/2022 17:08

ElectedOnThursday · 18/09/2022 16:41

Don’t assume your dd is somehow flawed socially, it is very normal for teens to have bumpy social lives. They are working out who they are at a time when their brains are not fully developed, so much can go wrong!! What your daughter is experiencing is going on in every second home of teenagers throughout the 🌎

Your situation is different. Adults usually have established friendships and social lives. But all sorts of things can disrupt this - illness, separation, moving area, financial restraints, and family obligations. But nothing has caused as much disruption as the pandemic, it has literally changed us and our lives forever.

Many people have reduced their social contact out of fear or habit (stopped going out) or reduced income/higher cost of living. Even if the activity is free, the cost of transport and:or entry/food has become prohibitive for a lot of people.

Mental heath struggles are real and people who previously may have socialised freely no longer feel able to.

And a lot of people have re-evaluated their lives and simply ducked out of even long-time friendships.

Personally, I have done all of the above. I got out of the habit of meeting up with friends. I re-evaluated friendships and dispensed with those that were unhealthy. I also found socialising much more tiring than previously after living quietly for so long.

So it is not as though the world is carrying on as usual and it is just you whose social life is patchy, your friends are probably experiencing difficulties too.

It can be helpful to assume the best, that they wanted to see you but were having a bad day/couldn’t afford it/had something come up.

I genuinely never mind being rescheduled and I believe my friends are cool with me doing the same. Because what we have is a genuine love for each other that is not determined by insecurity.

You can reframe all of what you have written and come to a much more positive finding if you choose.

This is great advice

Original poster
Watermelon46 · 18/09/2022 17:10

Testina · 18/09/2022 15:55

“No I have not passed that message onto dd. I didn’t even tell her I had messaged the friend.”

Then why did you right that it had left you both “us” feeling rubbish and rejected? That’s quite specific wording. You won’t admit here if you’re backtracking of course, but please, if you are - be more careful what you say to her.

I’m presuming that’s how she feels based on how I would feel if the friends I usually meet up with had met up without me, despite me trying to make plans with them too.

When she has issues with friends she goes very quiet around the house and is much less communicative. She’s normally extremely bubbly and outgoing so it is easy to tell the difference, but more difficult to get any specific details out of her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Watermelon46 · 18/09/2022 17:15

Summerslam · 18/09/2022 15:05

I don't think you should have tried to arrange a meet up for you and your daughter. She's not a toddler in need of a playdate.

You should have put a positive spin on the situation and made plans just for the two of you. A shopping trip, followed by lunch then cinema and/or bowling.

You are putting your negative attitude regarding friendships onto your daughter. You can't do this, it's going to mess her up. She's 16. Over the next few years, 6th form perhaps, college, university, working - she will find her tribe, and she will make genuine friends. You can't force friendships.

Yes I agree re negative attitude but it’s very hard not to question them around what is happening especially when there is a sudden change in behaviour/mood.

Yes I agree re tribe. But I keep thinking that she’s found it and then something seems to go wrong. I never know what. And then we have a period of very few friends which is awful, and then a new tribe. I have no clue why this is as based on how she is at home, there is no obvious reason.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 18/09/2022 17:15

To me, “check plans and let you know” means no, not unless I come back to you and firm the arrangements up. So I’d give your friend the benefit of the doubt and maybe try to meet him/ her without the kids.

mathanxiety · 18/09/2022 17:19

I think it's fine to assume your teen might feel horrible if she had been blown off by a friend, but to actually say definitively that she is feeling rubbish just because you are is a stretch you shouldn't get in the habit of taking. You and she are separate people.

Instead of just watching your teen mope around, sit her down in a cafe (it's better than home sometimes) and ask her to tell you what's going on. Do not respond with devastation, doom, gloom just because you are particularly sensitive to rejection and feelings of hurt. Do not assume she is unable to rise above her troubles and move on just because you may feel that way sometimes. Do not tell her that her classmates are a bunch of rotters and she is far better than any of them. Instead, tell her you have confidence in her ability to handle conflict, to handle the normal ups and downs of interaction, and to get past hurt.

InsertPunHere · 18/09/2022 17:19

"I'll let you know" generally means "If I can/want to, I will contact you and confirm."

mathanxiety · 18/09/2022 17:20

I would see it as a no. The other person doesn't want to come across as rude.

Mary46 · 18/09/2022 17:22

Op hope you ok. Its hard the friendships at that age. I suit myself now as found I had days on hold then no reply.. I was left disappointed. Is she in any hobbies or sport things

MyneighbourisTotoro · 18/09/2022 17:39

Brendabigbaps · 18/09/2022 15:14

Unbelievably sad but very true for a lot of people. Me included

Show quote history

Its true for me, I was recently asked if I have any friends to rely on for support and I don’t have a soul. No one to meet up with, no one to talk to but I do have my DH and my children