Would you tell your DS he was a twin? (Trigger warning)

[PawPatrolNightmares]

DS is only 1. He was a twin but I lost his brother at 5/6 months.

I gave birth to both of them. But I never saw the other twin. We said goodbye to him at home by scattering his ashes. I only say that info as there was no funeral or anything and v little to do with family. So it's not like we would be keeping a secret if that makes sense.

Would you tell DS as he gets older? DH thinks it's unnecessary and will make him feel upset.

What would you do?

I’d tell him, these things can’t really be kept hidden. Kids accept things as you present them- it’s a fact not a secret.

I'd definitely tell him. I would want to know, when I got to a certain age. I'd be more upset if something like that was hidden from me.

Not exactly the same but we had a still birth before our two living children were born and I have told them about it, obviously not graphically but they know it happened. My reasoning was that I don't want them to hear it from someone else.

One of my cousins learned as an adult from overhearing something that her dad was married to someone else before her mother who died giving birth to twins who also died and she was just shell shocked to learn that so late.

My dh is a twin, his twin died soon after birth. Sadly, had he been born today, medical advances mean he would more than likely have lived.

He has never been a secret, my mother in law talked to me about him when we first got together, his name, weight, how long he lived.

Please ignore the voting. I obviously didn't mean to have voting 🙄

So sorry for your loss.

I would tell him. It is a part of his history

You absolutely have to tell him, and start NOW when he’s too young to understand. This is so you get used to saying it to him.

Things like this are part of his life story, and will always be part of it. Finding out by accident as a teen or adult could be devastating, not because of the fact of having been a twin, but having had it kept from him.

All research into adoption/donor conception/similar stuff that can be a shock shows clearly that children are FINE with knowing information about themselves at a very early age, but that it causes problems if kept secret.

Yes, he needs to know as other people will know.

I would tell him. And I would talk about his sibling and weave it into the fabric of your family story so you never have to “tell” him and he always just knows.

You could have photos up of the two babies together. Then when you go round the room, Here's Nana, Here's Daddy and Mummy, Here's you and your twin brother, etc. Then the brother becomes a normal part of his life.
My friend had twins and one died before birth the other (now a teen) knows all about him. Do they have twin or singleton on the birth certificates in UK? His says Twin (born abroad)even though the other baby didn't survive.

I'd definitely tell him when much older and capable of understanding. Why would you hide it?

OP said she never saw the other baby.

OP id tell him when he's older.

Yes, don't keep secrets, even if you think you are protecting someone from something sad or difficult - they always come out in the end and cause heartache.

DD was a twin, but I miscarried her sibling very early in pregnancy. Hadn't had a scan at that point so thought it was a regular miscarriage of single pregnancy then a scan showed a baby still there. So not entirely the same. But we mentioned this in conversation to DD a couple of times when it came up naturally and she's fine with it. We don't speak of her as a twin ever though because the loss was so early in the pregnancy so this might be different for you

I'm so sorry you had to go through this, how do you feel about talking about your list twin? It may be that your husband really wants to keep it from DS because it's too difficult for him to talk about it, understandably. However by following the really good advice above on talking about it and weaving it into your family story could help you all process what happened (which must be so difficult to do when you have a newborn and no sleep), good luck 💐 xxx

This is very similar to my story, both my mum for me and me for DD. It's just something that I've always known and DD has always known, we don't make a big deal about it but I think it's important people know this is actually quite common.

@PattyMelt I was going to put the 20 week scan photos in a frame in the house somewhere. That's the only image I have of him alive. But my DH said it was a bit "gruesome".

My DSS was a twin, his mother lost his twin early in the pregnancy - <13 weeks.

He knows, I'm not sure when he was told but he definitely knew by the time he was in his early teens.

Definitely tell him while he is very young, because in the kindest possible way, he won't much care, and that will make it easier for you. Young children have a wonderful capacity around death for going "ok, can I have a biscuit" etc.
If you leave it till he's older it will be harder on all of you.
Pp's idea is good, weave it into your family history.

I'd tell him.

My dm had a late miscarriage between me and my sister. I don't remember her telling me but we've always known.

Yes, tell him. My mum lost my twin and I 'knew' before she told me

I was a twin, my twin was miscarried late term but it was years ago so things were very different then. Also I realise not exactly the same situation.

There was a thread on here the other day which was removed as they were a troll which was essentially about parents forcing their loss and grief rituals on a child.

I was told as a teen, not as a big deal but as part of general conversation around pregnancy. My advice is don’t make this a big deal for your child, by all means mention it in a narrative of your pregnancy if you are talking about that anyway.

I was about 13 when Mum casually mentioned my twin. Perhaps she'd mentioned it before and I'd not taken it in, but I wouldn't go for the casual drop it in to a conversation.

My twin was still born, I'm glad I know. It allowed me to answer some questions for myself. Back then there wasn't a lot out there for lone twins from birth. There might be more now.

I'm sorry OP.

I'd tell him. I think it's better when he's younger so it's always just there and accepted as fact. IME a 2YO will accept a death as someone who was there but is no longer there. By the time they get to say 4 or 5, they have a better understanding of death and would probably actually find it more upsetting IYSWIM.

I also think your husband's attitude is ridiculous. Would he think it was gruesome to have a picture of his elderly deceased relative in the house as well?

Some people really do have a strange attitude towards death and loss.

I am so very sorry for your loss 💐

I would tell him from very early on. I think framing the 20 week scan photo is a lovely idea, but I know it's hard when your DH doesn't agree.