Would you tell your DS he was a twin? (Trigger warning)

[PawPatrolNightmares]

DS is only 1. He was a twin but I lost his brother at 5/6 months.

I gave birth to both of them. But I never saw the other twin. We said goodbye to him at home by scattering his ashes. I only say that info as there was no funeral or anything and v little to do with family. So it's not like we would be keeping a secret if that makes sense.

Would you tell DS as he gets older? DH thinks it's unnecessary and will make him feel upset.

What would you do?

I do understand the posts that say if you say it whilst he’s young it normalises it.

If the sibling died after birth and there were photos of them together etc then I would agree but in this scenario I don’t think there’s any reason he needs to know.

I know someone who is TTC and tells her child every time she miscarries or is late for period.
The DD gets very excited that she’s going to have a sibling and then comes into school a few days later absolutely distraught that her sibling has died.
It annoys me that her mum tells her things that she doesn’t need to know.

Not exactly the same situation, OP, but my younger two know that they have a sister they’ll never grow up with. She would have been DC3 and was born when DC2 was a toddler. DC1 was 9 and very aware. That was just awful heartbreak coming home to him from hospital without his little newborn sister. DC2 was too young to be aware, and DC3 (technically DC4) was born after our loss.
She isn’t talked about very much but she is always with us. And when she is talked about, she’s just one of us, one of the gang, so to speak. She is absolutely a part of our family. I like to think of family as a river flowing together in unison, in one direction, regardless of our losses, divorces, faults, and other things that go can awry, we are intrinsically of each other, individual and unique as we are; we are of the people who come along before us, after us, and in your beloved son’s case, with us. He came to be alongside his sibling. They shared your womb. They shared being alive as individuals together. It will be so good for your son to know. You’ll know the right time to tell him. I think these moments present themselves. You won’t have to seek out the right time. It’ll do the work for you. ❤️
I hope you are finding peace. It’s an enormous loss combined with the enormous blessing of your son’s safe arrival. And I can only imagine how conflicted you have felt: Joy and pain intertwined. You have deeply experienced life on life’s terms and it takes time to jump a few hurdles and process everything. Sharing your son’s history of who he is will be very healing for you all. And for all of you, especially for your little boy, it will mentally help to fasten his brother’s position on his own special branch of the family tree. 💐

I lost our sons twin at 12/13 weeks , I told him when he was very small and as a aren’t we lucky to have you type of way and so he’s grown up with the knowledge . Its never been an issue for us .

What matters is your relationship - if there is a birth certificate, you must tell them. If you tell them, it is much healthier to be open from the start rather than have a reveal that changes his view of himself and you.

Yes I would tell them. It is part of your family's true story.

Of course you would tell him. why would you not?

We had exactly the same situation with our oldest child, and we told him as soon as he could understand. It’s never been distressing for him as we’ve always been so matter of fact about it. Personally, I think it would be a lot worse to hide it and risk him finding out by accident.

No too late, start from the outset.

I think your DH might need some grief counselling. I'd say your reaction is healthy, and his is not.

My ex sister in law lost one of her twin boys at 2 weeks old, they were both born at 25 weeks. She doesn't really talk to much about him but she does have a photo of both boys together when before he passed and a scan picture in a frame, her son naturally pointed to the picture as a toddler and she told him it was his brother Harry that is in heaven and he's always know about it and just except it, he's 11 now.

I think it would be easier on them to have always known rather than telling them out the blue when there 15

You need to talk about it with him. The child knows anyway. They cant talk and wont consiously remember when older, but they know.
You need to start talking about it now, while your son is still little so its something he grows up with. You dont want to wait around for years to find a big moment to tell him, having to tiptoe around it. Also it will help you, the mother, to grieve for the lost baby. It must be hard when you didnt even get to see them. /Were they kept in the hospital while being very sick?/. It will also help to grieve your husbund, who probably finds it hard in his own way and cant express it.

There are various documents on YT about twins where you get the sense of how connected the twins are in an invisible way. I would even go that far and recommend some counselling/therapy for your husband if he finds it hard.
Wishing you find the right way for your family to handle this!

I think a scan photo of the two together is a lovely idea! I was a twin who didn't know. I grew up always feeling something was missing, like I was incomplete, and never knew why until my parents dropped it into conversation when I was an adult. They didn't think to tell me because in their mind I wouldn't remember being a twin so there wasn't a need to say anything. I wish I'd always known.

i think just talk about it naturally as it comes up so it becomes part of his history.

Of course it’s not the same, but I’ve chatted to my 5yo about his (traumatic) birth when he’s been interested and it really doesn’t seem to phase him at all, it’s just another story. I’ve been factual but calm in the telling. He did randomly ask “did it hurt your vulva when they cut you with scissors to get me out Mum?”recently and I was able to explain about the epidural and he said “cool. Can you put me a Spider-Man story on?” - I think it’s better for things to feel normal than a secret/big deal. And I think it’s your child’s story as well as yours.

Other people know, so one day he will. If he hears it from others he will wonder what else you haven't told him (as I did when I found something out as a child).

I have always told my boys they have a sister who died shortly after birth. They have seen her grave, they know we love and miss her. We don't make it a big deal, but it's OK for them to know we love all three of them.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope that you have been allowed to grieve. It sounds very much as though you have both dealt with this in different ways.

I’m very sorry for your loss OP.

My daughter is a surviving twin. The delivery was bungled and her sister died shortly after birth. It was and remains a devastating loss, but as others have said it is my loss much more than DDs. She has always known and I have talked about it to her regularly from around 2. I’ve answered all her questions, she has seen photos and scans. I have tried to be as factual and unemotional as I can be so she does not feel burdened by a huge sense of loss. She does understand it’s sad and occasionally will say she misses her sister but in general she is very pragmatic about it, which is how it should be.

As an aside my DH was the same as yours. 8 years on and it’s only been recently he can say our lost twin’s name. He didn’t deal with it at all and his grief came out in very unexpected ways which had a huge and detrimental impact on our relationship, years later. I really urge you to encourage him to process the loss now with some counselling.

This happened in my family. The surviving twin wasn’t told until 13. It has caused a lot of issues. Personally, I’d tell as soon as you judge it to be the right time, and not wait as long as my family did.

I read it as other twin passed at 5/6 months old, not before birth Apologies OP.

Why on earth would you? What would that acheive other than making your son feel sad and wonder 'what if...?' It wouldn't be kind and could cause pain.

I think the scan picture is a great idea. If you have both of them put them in a double frame next to each other.

Sorry for your loss.

My mum had a baby 2 years before me. She only lived 12 hrs and my mum never saw her, only my dad and grandma. I found her birth and death certificates when I was about 8. She had never been mentioned and it was a bit of a shock.

My mum had a bit of a breakdown and was never close to me- this would have explained a lot about her behaviour- which I didn't understand fully till I had my own dd.

When my dad died we put father of 3 kids in the paper. Family members didn't remember mum having the first one and denied my sister existed as she was never mentioned. That was quite hurtful.

Do put your scan picture up and just chat about his sibling. Make it a part of his everyday. Maybe this will help you and your dh too.

Having read your update - sorry you went through everything in hospital alone. Its sad everyone around you just want to pretend it has not happened. Its likely because they dont know its ok and healthy to be sad /upset/ to cry etc. and they dont know how to. So they make themselves think its gruesome to remind themselves. That is not healthy not to process the loss. Your way is the way to go!

When he's old enough maybe explain it in age-appropriate terms. There was a similar thread yesterday that got pulled - not sure why - about baby loss. Maybe just don't make it too dark or let your grief impact on him. I only say this as this was the nature of the other thread, her sil had a stillbirth and made the kids light candles every xmas and it was really impacting on her son.

I’m sorry you went through that (virtually) alone OP.

I’d tell him too. Something similar happened in my family; it was kept secret but then came out when the person in question was about 17. Blew the family apart.

My DH was one of twins, and his twin died in the womb around the same time as yours.
He's always known he was a twin, and actually gets very upset each year on the day his twin died (how they knew the exact date... I've never asked). His family made a big song and dance about him being a twin growing up. But it was all "oh so tragic!" his twin isn't here.
Knowing he was a twin hasn't ever been a good experience for him, but whether it would have been better for him never to have known... I can't say.
When it came to our own twins, he was soooooo worried throughout. And I was as well, to a lesser extent. He didn't relax until I was passed the month his twin died.

What aboutt making a photo book of your pregnancy and include scan pictures. Then your husband doesn't have to see it and you can go through it like a book with your son.

My first son was an IVF baby and the early scans indicated he was also a twin. The other twin never developed a heart beat and by the 12 week scan had been absorbed. I realise this is a totally different situation since it was much earlier but disappearing twins are so very common and even so, and even though we are very open about IVF etc this is the one thing we never have discussed. Similarly we miscarried before our first and havent mentioned that but now that we are expecting our third the children know that not all pregnancies end with a live birth. I feel like that's the most we will say for a long time. This probably doesn't help you a huge amount but my stance is that if you do want to broach it perhaps you can take the stance that its very normal that not all babies make it