Would you tell your DS he was a twin? (Trigger warning)

[PawPatrolNightmares]

DS is only 1. He was a twin but I lost his brother at 5/6 months.

I gave birth to both of them. But I never saw the other twin. We said goodbye to him at home by scattering his ashes. I only say that info as there was no funeral or anything and v little to do with family. So it's not like we would be keeping a secret if that makes sense.

Would you tell DS as he gets older? DH thinks it's unnecessary and will make him feel upset.

What would you do?

I agree with telling him early, in an age appropriate way. Otherwise it becomes a bigger bombshell later on.

My DD is an IVF baby, we had two embryos implanted but only one baby. We told her all about the process early on and it's been very positive.

I'm so very sorry for your loss and I hope you have had some bereavement support, it sounds a little like your DH is all for moving on but I completely understand why you would want to keep your lost son's memory alive

Sorry for your loss OP.

Similar to other posters, I was a twin where the other was a very early loss, before they knew my Mum was carrying twins in fact.

I was told in my teens I think, but in quite a casual way.

It's never really meant anything to me, so while the situation is a bit different for you with a later loss, don't be surprised or upset if your DS doesn't put as much significance on it as you expect him to, or as much as you obviously will having lived through it and felt the loss xx

I wouldn’t sit down with a young child and explain this but rather include it in an appropriate conversation. When your LO starts talking about when he was in your belly mention it and over time he will understand. It’s a bit too intense to
sit down and explain as such.

I don't know if it is still the case and whether it happened in all cases but the time of birth used to be recorded for twins and multiple births for future inheritance purposes. The child born earliest being designated the heir. If this is still the case your son will see the time on the birth cert and one day work it out for himself and may blame you for keeping secrets from him.

Not the same but before I was born my parents had a stillborn baby and another late loss. I don't remember being told, I've just always known and they are spoken about very naturally. When I was growing up I would occasionally ask questions but there was never a need for a big formal discussion about it as it was spoken about from such a young age.

I'm sorry for your loss and the especially difficult and sad way this all happened bc of covid.

I get a bit of where your husband is coming from, however I think it's much healthier and easier to somehow make it a matter of fact in your son's life that he was a twin and his brother sadly died.
To find out later in life seems much more fraught with the danger of really upsetting your son.
I would take advice from a counsellor on how to gently approach and introduce the subject.

I would tell him
Not as he is OLDER
Id tellhim now

When he is young
Normalize it.

Because otherwise the right moment might not come till he 16
And when he feels like he is missing something and THEN he finds out he used to have a twin. And then all hell might break loose and he might resent you for it

He IS a twin
He is Not a singleton.
Teach him that
It is part of who he is
A part of his literal DnA

This happened to an ex neighbour of mine. The surviving twin is 8 now, and every birthday and Christmas they post pictures of the family at the twins' graveside. Personally, I think this is too much, like the surviving twin can't just be her own person. But I've never been through it, so what do I know? I don't think it should be a secret, but I also don't think it should overshadow the remaining twins' milestones. It's a personal thing isn't it. Whatever you choose to do, ideally you and DH need to be in agreement, which I know is easier said than done.

I don’t think it’s gruesome at all, any more than having a photo up of a deceased grandparent or great-grandparent. It’s commemorating the lost twin and remembering that yours was a twin pregnancy.

I’d talk to your DS about it naturally as it comes up. The scan photo would be a good way to do that. I wouldn’t make it a big revelation, just a natural part of conversation.

Sorry for the loss of your twin

My cousin was a twin but never knew until he was told as an adult. He was relieved as he’s always known that something was missing. It would have been much better for him if he’d been told earlier and grown up knowing.

So sad, and isn’t it amazing the bond developed in the womb.

I’ve never told my 10 year old daughter and never will, my daughter is autistic and often asks why her? Why did she have to have autism etc.
For my child I believe the damage it would do knowing could lead to life long repercussions.
My daughter often when spiralling says I bet you wished you had a child without autism etc.
My child was an ivf baby and it’s meant to be common to lose an ivf twin.
Good luck whatever you decide.

Sorry for your loss op, the circumstances sound awful

My son knows he had a sister who died at 20 weeks a year before he was born. We mention her sometimes and always on her birthday. Never over the top but she's remembered. There's no TV big gruesome or scary about it. It's nice to remember them.

I get the people just ignoring it thing. There's such a taboo around still birth and it's awful. Make sure you mention him if you need to. People will get used to it. I think a lot of people just don't know what to say

I'd tell him but from an early age in an age appropriate way.

"Mummy had 2 babies in her tummy - only you were alive" (or something - I'm crap with words).

He'll work out the rest as he grows up and understand the twin thing.

I would tell him. I think that putting up the scan picture is a nice way to remember them too.
I've talked to my DD about the fact that before she was born I had a miscarriage. It wasn't gruesome or upsetting to talk about and I think it is important to acknowledge these events and children.

So sorry for your loss xxx

I’d tell him. If you have a memorial tree or something in the garden that’s a good opener for “that’s x’s tree, he died when he was in my tummy”

surely it’s part of his medical history that he might need later?

im very sorry for your loss

You absolutely have to tell him, and start NOW

I agree that OP should tell her ds about his twin that died. However, “start NOW”? He’s 1 year old! Maybe OP could tell her ds when he is 3-5 years old that he used to have a twin in mummy’s belly but he didn’t survive. My friend’s twin sibling died before it was born. I think her mum told her she was primary school aged. I met my friend when we were 13. She was totally fine about it.

This is a very loaded post (with odd capitalisation) but you’re stating your own agenda as fact.

I was a twin; I’m not now and haven’t been since I was born. It is not part of who I am, it’s a sad thing that happened but I’m a person in my own right (a singleton as you call it). As a teen I attached more significance to it, but in hindsight I can see that this was because of hormones etc I felt very emotional with no apparent cause. I attached meaning to this event to explain those feelings but it really wasn’t a big thing for me.

Someone else upthread has pointed out that this is your loss OP, not your son’s, I would echo that, do the thing where you build it into the family story from an early age.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

i lost my first child two years before DS was born. He grew up knowing he had a sister. We talk about her and pull out her things. Your twin will never stop being a part of your life and it may be a comfort for your child to know he grew together in your womb with another. I think you shouldn’t avoid discussions.

Your DH’s attitude is terribly sad.

I think the scan photo is perfect, but if your DH objects, you could just show your DS every so often.
I really think it’s a good idea to start mentioning it now. What is your DHs plan? Hope he never finds out? It would be awful if he then does find out. And how would you feel about keeping that secret? That’s not fair on you.
So you need to tell him. And you either tell him when he’s older and it’s a big thing, or you just mention in in passing from now. I really think it’s kinder to him to do that.

I know 2 teenagers that were twins in the womb.

They are often sad about losing their sibling (even though they obviously can’t remember them) and they feel that their parents blame them or resent them because they survived.

I know people who survive in car crashes or terrorist attacks etc often experience survivors guilt, so I wonder if they have that too.

One of them recently told me that he killed his sibling as he took all of the oxygen.

His mum may have just been being factual about how the baby died but as a child/teen he is going to process this information in a completely different way.

(I do have a feeling mum does actually blame him and I often wonder why it’s spoken about so much.)

I’m sure there are plenty of others who aren’t affected by knowing they were a twin but if it was up to me I wouldn’t say anything or wait until they’re an adult.

When he starts learning about different types of family would be a good time to do it?

Yes tell him now so it is something he has always known. It's not quite the same but my youngest was a twin in utero for 10 weeks. I have never told him that and now that he is an adult I dont know how to broach the subject so he still doesn't know.

I feel sorry for the surviving twin. Always overshadowed by the twin that died😕

@Beamur I've talked to my DD about the fact that before she was born I had a miscarriage. It wasn't gruesome or upsetting to talk about and I think it is important to acknowledge these events and children.

My mother had a miscarriage (2nd trimester) a few months before conceiving me. I didn’t know until I was in my early 20s. I’m personally glad she told me as an adult rather than as a primary school child. I don’t think my siblings know and they’re also adults. However, OP’s position is a bit different because her ds was a twin.