Would you tell your DS he was a twin? (Trigger warning)

[PawPatrolNightmares]

DS is only 1. He was a twin but I lost his brother at 5/6 months.

I gave birth to both of them. But I never saw the other twin. We said goodbye to him at home by scattering his ashes. I only say that info as there was no funeral or anything and v little to do with family. So it's not like we would be keeping a secret if that makes sense.

Would you tell DS as he gets older? DH thinks it's unnecessary and will make him feel upset.

What would you do?

I think it’s good to be open about it, but your DH feelings also after. If he’s set against it then he might feel like he’s not being listened to. And that’s really hard.

I have a mortifying memory when I was about seven and round a classmate’s house on a Saturday. Her mum was pregnant, and the friend told me that she had had a little sister before but that she died during the birth.
I don’t know why, and it makes me cringe and feel so sorry for her, but I said to her ´you’re lying! that’s not true. You’re making it up.’
so hurtful :(
when I read your question I think, ‘if I had been brought up to know about these things happening, I would have been more able to accept it, and been a better friend to this girl.’
I wasn’t told about death or miscarriage or anything until I was a teenager or older. I think this was a mistake.

*matter

I don't think you should. I don't see what good could coUld come from it what you don't know can't hurt you. Sorry for your loss x

As an extra point - I think you may need to change this either by counselling or just by talking about your loss and your experience with friends and family.

I disagree strongly with DH and think that ignoring / burying this will do YOU far more harm than good let alone your DS

Hidden grief isn't something that happens in movies. There was recent thread in bereavement about people losing siblings. There are many counts of siblings being 'hidden' not talked about etc.

I would tell him. In our family we have no secrets. If he grows up knowing he had a twin he should not he too upset I hope.

It might be important when he is older to know there is a family history of twins?

I also in your position would tell him. My dad had a twin who died either in utero or shortly after (not entirely sure, much mystery surrounds my father's early life!) and it was something I have always been aware of as was my dad. He deserves to know and children take information at face value. He would be much more upset at the deceit of not being told later down the line in life imo.

He should know, no doubt I wouldn't tell him as such then it's a thing. Just talk about the other one in the context of the surviving child in conversation. As child gets older he might ask questions if not ensure you provide information. If he feels it's been hidden he might feel unable to mention it.

Those with accounts of being told later in life or even having always known with bad experiences will be down to the way the parents handled it not the fact of the matter in itself.

Yes I would most certainly tell him. Hiding something like this would be extremely ill advised and potentially damaging when they would eventually find out.

I would tell him. It's part of his life story.

My brother only found out he was a twin after our mother passed away. At her wake, someone said (name) is with her children now, which I overheard and started asking questions.

His twin was lost at around the 4 month mark. She never said a thing over many years especially when my brother became a father himself, to twins which "didn't run in the family" apparently..

I'm the youngest as there was several losses between us and my birth nearly killed my mother. I know why this occurred now but I was also lied to about my birth for 30+ years and that hurts too. This has been a factor in deciding not to have children myself.

We knew none of this until after her death, our father had died in the early 80s.

Absolutely tell him.

We once lived next door to a lady who was in her seventies bit still mourned and missed her twin who had not survived pregnancy or birth (not sure of the details). She had always felt a sense of loneliness and loss but was not told she was a surviving town until later in life. She talked a bit Bout how a lot of her feelings made sense when she was told - she was right to miss someone.

My children know about pregnancy losses/an ectopic that came before then - it is part of their shared family history and I also think it is good for DC to always know the facts of life and fertility - sex ed is so simplistic in suggesting that if you want to get pregnant you can!

Yes you need to tell him. Start telling him now, he’s too little to understand a lot but it will give you time to find the words and practise telling their story.

I agree with your husband to some extent, at 1 year old your ds might be too young to understand it. However, I think framing the scan is a good idea he may get curious one day and you can answer his questions depending on his age and level of understanding. It might be a gradual conversation depending on his age you can just start by saying mummy had 2 babies in her tummy. Then as they get older they may ask why and how you might even have to explain how twins are conceived or he might not even be that curious at all. Also if you don't feel like talking about it that's ok too.. I found out my mum had 3 stillborns as an adult and I was ok with it. Do what you feel comfortable with.

Yes, you should tell him. If you can, do it while he is very small and just have it as something you talk about- a tree or rose planted to remember can help with this or your scan picture. Far better for it to be something he has always known and therefore not a shock to discover. Trying to keep it secret won't work and why should you deny your baby who died? This stuff is hard to talk about but gets easier. I'm sorry for your loss.

I would definitely tell him. It’s very possible he will have experienced grief even as a baby. I think it helps to have open and loving communication to process these things rather than an unexplained sadness.

I think you should tell him.

My mum was a twin, her brother died in the womb. This was back in the 50s so unusual to tell the surviving child but they did, I don’t know if she’s ever had a moment of sadness, but when I asked (when I was pregnant with twins) if it made her upset at any point she said no. I’m guessing unlike @zingally’s husband’s family they tried not make it a tragedy (of course it is, I hope you get what I mean!).

I do think it’s important for him to know. I’m not sure I’d put out the scan photos, but then mine came down when the baby/babies were born so it’s not quite the same.

Either way, I’m sorry this is something you have to think about. My heartfelt condolences.

@PattyMelt This is why you should always read the OP’s post carefully before replying. She never saw her other baby.

Yes I would.

My mum had a number of early and late miscarriages before and after I was born (but before I was able to understand properly) and I've always known about them. Told in a matter of fact but a bit sad way and not a sit-down-i-need-to-tell-you-something sort of way, more in a day to day way.

I had a friend like your son and she wasn't told until she was an adult and it really messed her up. She feels she'd have been better if told earlier.

My Dh struggles with scan pictures as they remind him of the horror surrounding the scans, so we don't have them on display. If you asked him he'd say he "just doesn't like it" because he can't articulate in words, that he can't process it emotionally.

We have a footprint artwork on the wall of our living child's footprint, next to our lost baby's footprint.( I am yet to have one done for our second lost baby as we're only now just coming to terms with it. )

There are artists on Etsy who do family portraits. I've attached one. They can include the lost family members with angel/butterfly wings etc. Might something like that be helpful?

But I agree with everyone who says to normalize it, family tree's and who belongs to us naturally comes up when they're 3 or so, if you present it as a matter of fact then it doesn't become a big deal.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I agree with the pp who suggested perhaps getting in touch with the hospital to see if there were footprints taken. You should have been supported by a bereavement midwife and given opportunity to do memory making, or it should have been done by the hospital.

Already sorted no need to have a go.

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss.

Personally, I would be open about it from as early as he's able to understand. We had a still born daughter, followed by our DD (now 7) and we've been very open from the beginning. Not in major way, but we've talked about her older sister. It's enabled her to ask questions about why she's an only child and not think it's a hidden taboo subject.

My son was born at 5/6 months, I was almost 22w pregnant, he was born live and died after an hour or so. He wasn't a "foetus who might have been" he was my baby. He has a name, and a birth and death certificate.

This happened to my sister. My Neice is now 8 and she's knew for quite some time. Hasn't effected her in any way xx