Would you tell your DS he was a twin? (Trigger warning)

[PawPatrolNightmares]

DS is only 1. He was a twin but I lost his brother at 5/6 months.

I gave birth to both of them. But I never saw the other twin. We said goodbye to him at home by scattering his ashes. I only say that info as there was no funeral or anything and v little to do with family. So it's not like we would be keeping a secret if that makes sense.

Would you tell DS as he gets older? DH thinks it's unnecessary and will make him feel upset.

What would you do?

My nephew knows he was a twin. It was something that was talked about.

Similar happened to my mum only she didn't know I was a twin until it appeared at birth. I say appeared as she was told it looked like my twin died about 12-14 weeks. I've always known about it and when my dad died it sort of felt like he went to be with my twin.

It’s not gruesome at all!! Yes the scan pic is a medical image but it’s also an image of the miracle of life and your little one’s journey ♥️. It’s a time where your body looked after him and he was cosy with his brother.

Sorry for your loss.

My DS had a twin that I miscarried at 7 weeks. As it was so very early int he pregnancy and he wouldn't have 'grown up in the womb' with the other one I didn't tell him. Also he was sensitive and things would play on his mind and there was no need for it to, so I didn't rush to tell him. But because other people knew, I told him when he was much older so it wouldn't play on his mind - he was early 20's when I told him and he was fine with it.

I also had a friend who was premature and whose twin died at birth. He himself had a disability caused by the birth. But he didn't have any residual grief relating to his twin, I think he had always known or known from a young age.

I can't definitively answer your question as it depends the circumstances and your child's personality, how they handle things etc. But if he doesn't have any emotional difficulties I would tell him young and let him ask questions in his own time and answer them. That way he does a lot of the processing while he is a child and more accepting of things, the brain is more plastic and they accept whatever is around them as being normal.

I am a surviving identical twin, my sister died at 9 months of SIDS. I have always known of her existence. Tell your son as previous posters suggested, its part of his life too.

When he's much older and can understand the context of prematurity and you can talk properly about grief and loss.

I agree about weaving it into family history. But we don't talk about him really. My DH finds it upsetting and everyone else seems to pretend it didn't happen. Hospital still had covid restrictions where I gave birth so I wsd alone in hospital for most of the week and it just kind of all happened behind closed doors. People know but it isn't talked about. I don't want to make it a big thing for my DS to shoulder but I doesn't feel right at all to pretend none of this happened. I thought the scan photos on the wall might be a nice way to make it normal. I think DH thinks I'm holding onto something in an unhealthy way.

so sorry for your loss

Your DH sounds as if he is squeamish about death and wants to forget it happened

yes he should know - but as a matter of fact

and yes have your scan up if you want. He existed and it should be recognised as such and your loss acknowledged

Most people grow up knowing they were a twin or that they had a sibling who died, mothers tend to think about these lost children a great deal and so tell their children. Keeping a hidden secret grief is the kind of thing that happens in novels, but in real life most families mention these things. Not huge long conversations though, just acknowledgement that there was another child and that they are missed.

I would tell him as he grows up. My parents told me about a sibling in a "bombshell" style just get it out there when I was about 10. My reaction wasn't the best and I still feel awful about it now. It would have been better if I'd grown up with the knowledge.

Sorry for your loss OP, I hope you and your family are doing well. It's a tricky one as if you tell him now he'll always grow up with the burden of the loss of his twin even if it is only subconsciously, but if you tell him when he is older, maybe around 10 or 11 he will be mature enough to understand in a more kind of detached way rather than always identify himself as the surviving twin.

I would tell him. He may grow up with a sense of inexplicable loss otherwise. It's also going to be the elephant in the room in your family's emotional story

I had a very similar experience - lost DD's twin very early on, found her still there, heart beating merrily. We never refer to her as a twin, but she found out recently (think late teens/early twenties age range) and she was upset that we hadn't told her as she felt it was a part of her life.

So OP I would definitely not hide the fact you have two sons, even though you only get to hold one.

Sending a 🌹toWaffleAndGelato and you.

I’m very sorry for your loss OP. We found out at the 12 week scan that DD would have been a twin. Her twin had stopped growing at around 11 weeks. She’s 11 now and has known for a couple of years. I thought it was important that she (and older DS) knew.

You carried this lost twin and gave birth to him, he was real and always will be for you. Your husband is the one holding on and not processing (feeling) this loss

Really sorry to hear that op. I had twins, my eldest died after 14 hours. My younger twin absolutely knows she is a twin and has always known. It is something that is really important to her. I would absolutely say.

My son should have been a twin and his younger sisters are twins. He’s always known

I was advised the same with egg donation. If you tell them when they are too young to remember being told, and refer to the sibling often, then there is no shock reveal. They’ve just ‘always known’. You do have to keep referring to them, or they forget they’ve been told. It’s not a once and done conversation.

Just read your update, I would encourage you to have the scan photo up. Also ask the hospital if they took footprints etc as a memento - because if you bury the memories, and refuse to talk about it, it will either build resentment (why can't he acknowledge / she forget our son) or lead to other issues later on.

You and hubby definitely need to sit down to discuss the issue though, so that you can come to terms with your loss together.

Sending a huge hug.

I was a twin. My DM didn't tell me until I was in my 30s so yes, secrets can be kept.

I'll be honest, it didn't bother me that much as it was so long ago, and I have a strong only child identity.

I'm honestly glad it wasn't 'woven into family history' or pictures/mementoes around the house. She was always open that she had had a lot of miscarriages and was delighted to finally have me and that worked very well for us.

My DM seriously does not think about all the children that might have been, or carry on grieving their loss. She got to have one child eventually and to her, that is brilliant.

Yes, you should tell him but make it a normal part of chat as he gets a little bit older, that way it'll just be a thing he 'always knew'. It's not a secret...isBut it's a really sad thing that happened to your family and I think it's good to know. 😊

So sorry for your loss.

Do you think this is less about whether or not to tell your son and more about you wanting to talk about your lost child and what you went through? It must be so difficult to feel it’s being brushed under the carpet and not being able to talk about it for fear of upsetting your husband.

Have you had any grief counselling? Has your husband? If not, that is where I’d start if I were you. Only once you and your husband have come to terms with what has happened can you realistically discuss it with your child.

Best wishes

Tell him when he's at an age that he understands that babies grow in your tummy. Any earlier and he has no concept that he can fit the event into. So maybe when he's around two or three and has the vocabulary and understanding?

It sounds like you are your husband need to do some processing and grieving ( so sorry this happened to you), but I wouldn't do this through your very young son for now.

I think you should tell him, not as a big bombshell, but as and when it feels natural. Having the scan photos and showing him both him and his twin might be a way into it?

I had a twin, but from what I know, he only survived a few days after birth. My parents have never spoken to me about it at all, but there have been a number of things that led to me knowing.

I remember playing with an imaginary friend when I was around 5 or 6, calling him Matty. My big sister shouted at me when I told her about my 'friend' so I didn't mention him again. I'm not 'woo' in any way, but that is something that weirds me out a bit.

About 5 years later, we moved house and I found cards that said 'Congratulations on the birth of your twins' stashed away. Inside some of them were my name, and the name Matthew.

Also, when I was a teenager, we went away with some family friends, and the kids I shared a bedroom with talked to me about being a twin, so they knew, but I didn't.

Obviously, it must have been so awful for my parents... and I've never wanted to make them feel bad, so I haven't talked to them about it either. But it's a very strange feeling, and I wish there was at least some small acknowledgement.