Bride not talking to me but won’t tell me why - WWYD

[Aperolsprizter]

Genuinely looking for advice here and whether AIBU.

me and friend A have been friends for years - since we were in secondary school. Had years of being very close, the odd argument but came back together when she was going through hard times. Lives very different - she lives with LTP in the countryside, me alone in city etc. I have an intense job where as she has a part time one to focus on hobbies etc.

im meant to be her bridesmaid next year, was asked pre pandemic .

everything was fine until about two months ago. Saw her for a meal, all was fine, no problems. We keep in touch via text so few days later messaged her, it was read and ignored. We had plans for birthday drinks but she never responded. Over the course of two months I text about six times, ranging from as if everything was normal to asking if I’d done something and if we could talk about it, to finally checking if she was ok.

she eventually replied this week saying I’d not done anything wrong but she felt I was “pressuring” her and she didn’t like it. I apologised and said not really sure what’s gone on? I saw her in person today at a birthday meal in a formal setting and she was very strange, positioning her body so I was cut out of conversations etc. a further drink in our local hometown was also arranged but I wasn’t told and was told there wasn’t enough room in the car to go.

my question is - there’s clearly something wrong but I genuinely have no idea what I’ve done. We don’t have many mutual friends so I don’t think she’s heard something through someone that’s annoyed her, for example. I tried to make plans again today but she said she isn’t free until January - FWIW she’s been seeing other friends (which is fine but indicates it’s not just that she’s not feeling social).

she won’t tell me what’s wrong, but there clearly is something. I’m upset and feel like I should drop out of her wedding. Would you message again and ask what’s wrong, or give space? It sounds pathetic but I’m quite upset by a lost friend :(

[Pixiedust1234]

She's asked you to stop contacting her so stop. If you continue it would be classed as harassment. So stop. Let her contact you. If she doesn't then you are no longer invited. The only thing you can do is leave the wedding date free.

You can't repair this friendship until she decides. That might be never so chin up, shoulders back, start living a life without her in it. That is all you can do.

[autocollantes]

The post from Sisisisi is similar to what I was going to say. This is nothing at all to do with you.

The other option is she's some kind of sociopath who gets a kick out of you begging and dangling you from a string.

It's simply not your fault though. And even if you had done something and it was your fault, if she valued you and the friendship this isn't the way she'd behave because she wouldn't want to hurt you.

You mentioned her dad died when she was younger and some other things happened to her so you give her some slack. That's admirable. And lucky her that you've done that over a period of years. BUT there comes a point where you also have to cut yourself some slack. She has had horrible things happen, but that doesn't mean that she's allowed to actively, deliberately treat you badly indefinitely.

She's shown you again and again who she is. It doesn't actually matter why she's like that. It doesn't mean that there's not pain behind her behaviour - or that there might not be either. It doesn't matter. Why do you think you deserve to be treated like this? Why do you think it's acceptable for you to be dangled like a yo-yo and occasionally reeled up for some attention?

You've been treated like this for so long by her, I think you've forgotten that you should be treated better by a friend.

[Rosehugger]

I wouldn't give her the easy option of dropping out of the wedding yourself. Don't contact her at all and let her approach you.

[J0y]

I'd go quiet too, that way she has to make contact to let you know you're not a bridesmaid. Maybe she wants some cooler newer friend to be BM and she is hoping you'll resign.
I'd leave it all hanging. It's her wedding. No skin off yr nose if it gets sorted or not!!

[Lizzy1980]

@Shamoo

Oh god, don’t message her again! Don’t demean yourself in that way. Don’t message her, don’t drop out. Just totally ignore her and if she turns up again (she will) decide how you want to respond then. If you don’t hear from her before the wedding just don’t turn up. If she messages you to say she doesn’t want you at the wedding, don’t reply. Don’t feed her drama. It will drive her mad. She sounds like a total twat.

This is good advice

[Aubriella]

I would just ignore her now.

Assume you are not attending the needing, but don’t decline yet.

Let her panic a week before when she realises you’re not playing her game anymore.

And then say you are too sick to attend.

[Auntiejohnfromjamaica]

Ghost her

[Beautiful3]

I'd go to the wedding ad normal and stop texting her. She's never going to bother with you again. By going to the wedding, she cannot blame you and use that as an excuse for ending the friendship.

[Honeyroar]

She already knows that you don’t understand what’s wrong and that you want to fix it. You don’t need to say it again. She doesn’t care.

She’s well aware that she’s being cruel/rude - saying there isn’t enough room in the car etc. She doesn’t care.

She’s also well aware that you’ll let her treat you badly and pick up the friendship at a later date. This behaviour sounds like it’s also part of your history together.

Personally I’d leave her be. Assume you’re not being a bridesmaid. She owes you an apology if you’ve really written a full account of what’s going on. And if she can’t apologise what’s the point in the friendship, history or not?

[Aperolsprizter]

Hi all, thanks again.
I decided to message this morning - if there’s any kind of open response il obviously discuss with her but I think I’m done with it if I get nothing.

as I said thinking back this happens on cycle every couple of years and as an adult I don’t know if I really need that stress. I also have a solid group of friends and I think maybe where previously I’d thought this was normal behaviour, having reliable and mature adult pals has shown me slightly differently. I’ll give it a couple of months and see if anything changes.

[Aperolsprizter]

Also I realised if there’s nothing going on genuinely and nothing has occurred to upset her etc - it’s quite bad form to miss planned birthday drinks just me and her, not respond, not extend natural invitations to things.

[ParentallyUnprepared]

Honestly, no one should put up with this type of behaviour from a friend. Time to cut your losses.

Sorry, OP.

[2bazookas]

I would send her a nice card with a short message to say

" I think we both know now that it's best If I drop out of your wedding plans as painlessly as possible. So to save you any further anxiety, I'm not going to be your bridesmaid.

We've been friends a long time and I hope we will be again in future. I wish you all the best".

[Aperolsprizter]

Thanks again. Also bizarrely I should add that about a week into this I sent her a card and some flowers because she’d got a promotion at work (we’d been discussing it previously - imagine an assessment to pass where you pass a probation period) and she text saying thanks to that

[LicoricePizza]

This is really unfair of her - you’re darned if you do, darned if you don’t.

I’d send her a card -you’re confused by lack of contact, hope she’s ok & that as she felt normal friendly contact was “pressure” you’re trying to respect that.
Its making you feel like you’ve done something to upset her but if she won’t tell you - you cannot fix it. And you don’t like that or think it fair.

Does she actually want you to be BM still? You’re finding it hard to continue to be one when she’s freezing you out.

Which is a shame as you’d love to support her & celebrate her wedding with her. But not like this?

Then the onus is on her. She doesn’t sound a great friend but sometimes it takes things like these for people’s true colours to become acutely obvious. And you then realise why on earth you put up with it for so long!

[J0y]

I bet it is nothing to do with you. For some reason right now she wants distance between you. Maybe because she is in touch every minute with her wedding planner or her new best frien who is MUCH blonder, trainer and richer than you and will look great in the wedding photos and make her look like she has rich cool friends. It can be hard to accept how shallow people are sometimes.
Agree that doing nothing is your best bet. Hard when you feel like you need AN ANSWER

[TheNoodlesIncident]

@Aperolsprizter Did she acknowledge your birthday at all?

I wouldn't contact her again. In fact in your shoes I would probably block her as I couldn't be doing with waiting to see if she gets in touch again, because I would be done with her. A friend of mine ghosted me; I sent her a message about something she'd lost (it had potentially been found) and she ignored it. Never heard from her again. I actually have sufficient self respect to say I don't accept being treated badly by other people so I'm done with her now.

Be strong OP. You don't need this level of messing around in your life. Focus on your decent nicer friends who don't treat you badly as this woman has done. Life's genuinely too short. You deserve better.

[Letthekidsplay]

@Aperolsprizter

Hi all, thanks again.
I decided to message this morning - if there’s any kind of open response il obviously discuss with her but I think I’m done with it if I get nothing.

as I said thinking back this happens on cycle every couple of years and as an adult I don’t know if I really need that stress. I also have a solid group of friends and I think maybe where previously I’d thought this was normal behaviour, having reliable and mature adult pals has shown me slightly differently. I’ll give it a couple of months and see if anything changes.

Really glad you have some sane friends to show you what real friendship is.

[jazzybelle]

Don't run after her. She has the hump and most likely gets some perverse satisfaction if you run after her and that you don't know what you've supposed to have done. She probably thinks she has the upper hand over you. Go and live your best life and ignore her silliness. Don't be tempted to contact her about the wedding especially as it gets closer. If you must, send her a jolly Christmas card, but don't be tempted to ask what's wrong. She'll probably be peeved to know you're no longer chasing after her and dancing to her tune.

[teaandtoastwithmarmite]

I was actually on the other side of this. My former best friend ghosted me in the run up to my wedding. She only started speaking to me again around my hen do. Which she tried to get out of. It was all to do with Covid and lockdown. We briefly made it up but it all started again and she got very nasty so we're not talking now. If she can treat you like that then I wouldn't want to be her friend. You deserve better. It is horrible though I know and I got through it so you can too x

[Pixiedust1234]

You keep saying you don't want to ghost her but I think you don't understand the term. She is ghosting you atm by not replying at all. She would have to reply for you to be able to ghost and thats not happening. If you continue to message her it will be seen as harassmentand needy so please stop. Its time to move forward without her. It sucks but you can't force another person to be your friend.

[SheRasBra]

This is the kind of behaviour I tolerated when I was 12 from 'friends' who wanted to use me as an emotional punch bag. You're right that it isn't normal in adults and I would withdraw from this relationship. Life is hard enough without this manufactured drama.

[Iguanainanigloo]

Op I really feel for you in this situation, and was in a similar situation a few years back, when 2 of my closest friends seems to suddenly "gang up on me" and everything I said or did was wrong. I was also due to be a part of the wedding of one of them, so in the end gave up trying to communicate, knowing at some point she'd have to contact me, to either cut me out of the wedding, or organise stuff. She eventually messaged and told me myself, husband and children were no longer welcome at the wedding, as she was "so upset about everything". I left it like that and haven't seen either of them since. Was really upset at the time, but I'm over it now, just wish I knew what I'd actually done?! I'd leave the ball in her court, as she will have to communicate with you at some point in regards to the wedding. Like a pp said, if you contact and tell her you're opting out, she will make it look like you were the one to cause the drama. X

[Bleachmycloths]

Give her a wide berth. Dropout of the wedding and pull away from this friendship. She sounds very immature. You can do without this crap.

[MsRosley]

OP, this woman is not your friend. She used to be, but she isn't now. No one should be making your feel like this, not for any reason whatsoever. If she just needed to be alone, there's no excuse for leaving you hanging and being unkind about it. All she had to do was explain.

Walk away, OP. Find better friends who treat you with courtesy, kindness and consideration. You do not deserve people like this in your life.