How to speak to teenager about societies view on women having sex with multiple people?

[disin]

I slept with a lot of men - a-lot - from the age of 16 - 25. I really thought that by sleeping with them it would turn into love or a relationship. I slept with so many men that my nickname was 'slutty disin'. It made me feel like shit and I only slept with most of these men because I was desperate for love.

Twenty years on and with a different head on my shoulders I can look back and see how sad that was. Growing up though or as a teen nobody taught me these 'societal rules' that sex doesn't equal love and that men can sleep with however many women they like but women are judged for doing the same thing.

I have a teen girl of my own now and I am eager to do things differently. However, I struggle with how to explain these 'societal rules' in a balanced manner. For instance, women should absolutely be entitled to sleep with who they want, however many people that may be - there should be no shame, however, there is and that is just how society sadly is. How do I teach her that sex isn't shameful, one night stands aren't shameful, sleeping with multiple men isn't shameful yet still encourage her to only sleep with men/women who respect, care and love her.

I don't know if I'm getting my point across. In an ideal world I would prefer my daughter not to sleep with hundreds of men like I did, however, she is entitled to do so and she should be entitled to do so without judgement. However, I think a lot of the time it leaves women feeling like shit. I can't count the amount of times that I have had sex with someone and never hear from them again.

How do I tell a teen that although sleeping with someone might feel nice at the time, it can feel pretty shit the next day when they ignore you? How do I teach her that sex does not equal love and that sex is best with someone that cares about you?

I'm not sure if I'm overthinking this as my sexual history has defined my life in certain ways, how I view myself, how I view men, relationships, sex. I want her to have someone to guide her with this as it's something I never had.

Any advice? AIBU to be thinking so deeply about this?

In all honesty I'd teach her that sex doesn't equal love and that this is fine provided both parties are consenting adults going and practice safe sex. Sex doesn't have to be with someone who loves you for it to feel good. Teach her to be honest about what she wants - "I'm not interested in a relationship, this is just sex" or "I really like you and im hoping this turns into something" and so on - because finding out as early as possible that you are/aren't on the same page saves a lot of hurt feelings further down the line.

You could explain that having sex with someone does not mean they will love you and that if you want love it’s better to get to know the person first to form an attachment. However not everyone is looking for love and ultimately she will make her own decisions. I think you are overthinking this but I can understand why.
Just let her know that your there for her if things go wrong

Do you mean how to explain it without saying it happened to you?

I think you have the answer - sex does not equal love. You are giving part of yourself away when you have sex. Do you want to be cheap or sell yourself dear to the person you love?

Could you come at it from a sexual health/safety pov?

It appears to me that there's a lot of women judging women on here.

I think a good start is to teach her to value herself for her strengths other than beauty and body. Media and societytteaches girls to focus on these things and a man wanting to sleep with you confirms your sexual desirability and worth.

I'd also just go down the road of saying that sex is usually best with respect and understanding from both sides. For women is particular, although sex with a partner who you don't know well is morally fine, it's unlikely to be as pleasurable as someone who respects you and wants you to feel pleasure.

Ultimately of make my focus on the extra considerations women have to take from sex, such as pregnancy being a consequence that effects them much more than their partner, statistically men are more likely to have silent STDs and these can cause big health problems with women. Also sex can be physically risky and to always let someone know where she is and with whom.

Ultimately though you are going to have to support her in her choices and just guide her to be as safe as possible.

But surely you don't need to teach her as such; she will know your views naturally from just talking about things and discussing whatever comes up?

Just tell of your own experiences?
I was also in a similar position, i think I was desperate for love but thought sex might lead to love inevitably it didn't
There is nothing wrong with having casual sex if you can separate sex from feelings ,which I couldn't do

How can you separate sex from feelings?

I couldn't but some people say they enjoy casual sex for what it is ,I often got hurt though .

You may be relieved to know many teens look at things differently from our generation

I feel boys are shamed even more than girls about promiscuity and are written off as "fuck boys"

Not sure this is an improvement but I feel that boys and girls are treated more equally (even if it's equally bad) in this respect now

I just talk to my teens about in general terms and not related to myself

It's a good thing to talk about honestly imo

So just be honest but don't make it too personal

Do you want to be cheap or sell yourself dear to the person you love?

Misogynistic bull. Would you really say that to your own DD?

Yes. Because it happens to be true. It was true for me.

I don't agree that you're "giving part of yourself away" every time you have sex. That's a rather romanticised idea of sex as something sacred and mystical - it can be just sex 🤷🏻‍♀️. If everyone wants to and everyone is having a nice time then why on Earth not!

The important thing I think is to teach her, or rather help her to understand, that she should only have sex if SHE wants to - not to please someone else or make them like her more.

’Do you want to be cheap or sell yourself dear to the person you love?’

Try to explain that as a girl and as a woman she’ll face much more judgement from society for having casual sex than a boy or man will. It comes from women as well as men and may include friends and future partners

Sex is a very enjoyable activity if done right. It can also make you feel emotionally vulnerable. Try to make sure that, whoever you’re with, you have matched expectations about what you’re doing. If both people want a fun time, great. If it’s about getting closer to each other emotionally as well as physically, great. If you have mismatched expectations someone is going to be hurt.

Easy. Sometimes it's just sex! 🤷‍♀️

I think you just need to warn her that having sex with someone won't make them love you. That seems to have been the message you got wrong?

I had casual sex. But because I enjoyed it. I wasn't looking for love from these ONS.

Maybe best to talk to her about masturbation and non piv sex and about centering her own pleasure.

If she is having sex to enjoy sex she won't end up with the emotional issues you did from sex. It's her choice whether she has enjoyable sex with only people she loves or FWB/ONS.

This book is really good. It explains why you feel conflicted: there is a cultural narrative that more liberation is always good and young women often buy into it, but sexual liberation is not always what women want/need.

www.amazon.co.uk/Case-Against-Sexual-Revolution/dp/1509549994

People have sex. The key thing is to only have sex that you want, at a time that you want. That way, you have nothing to regret.

'Society' doesn't really get a say. Don't tell.

My mother taught me 'No evidence!' No photos (videos, now), no love bites, no witnesses... you get the idea.

Maybe you could read The Case Against the Sexual Revolution by Louise Perry. Really interesting book which covers much of the discussion around casual sex. It might be a good book to read and discuss with your daughter.

I think that there is a difference between someone of similar age and what I call a dirty older man. Good luck however you decide to approach the issue.

I had a similar time to you, between about 15 and 19, and felt really shitty about myself. I have 2 teenage DDs and am terrified that they will make the same mistakes. Young men do seem (and yes, I know NAMALT) to have little care for the feelings of young women, in the same way as 20-odd years ago, when I was that age.

I have shared some of my experiences, but obviously just talking about how things made me feel, hoping to help them understand that seeking love and affection by sleeping with boys/men doesn't always get the result you are looking for, and that they should be careful to try and get to know a partner before beginning a sexual relationship with them. There's no guarantee that it will work, but I know my Mother never spoke to me about these things and in hindsight, I am painfully aware that I was searching for the love and attention that I was not getting from the people I should have been getting it from. I know my DDs aren't lacking in love, attention and affection from me and DH, so I hope that they won't be feeling the same 'emptiness' that I was.

My eldest DD is gay, so I'm hopeful that women/girls will be more caring and that there are more likely to be feelings on both sides when they decide to be intimate (but of course; NAWALT either!), but she is very keen to find a girlfriend and very forthright, so I would be surprised if she were to be taken advantage of.

My younger DD was horrified earlier this year when a boy at school asked her out (she is 13), so I don't think I need to worry about her too much just yet! I think she will be the type to have very little interest in boys until she's a bit older, and then she'll just have one boyfriend who she'll eventually marry - although that may just be wishful thinking, but she really does seem like that sort of girl.

Whatever they decide to do, I can only try to instil in them that they are worthy of love, that they should never settle for being treated poorly by a partner and if they decide to sleep with lots of people, then they should do so safely.

Parenting is hard, particularly in areas where you know yourself that you made mistakes and feel desperate to prevent your child from doing the same. We just have to give them all the information, let them get on with it, then be there to support them, whatever it is that they choose to do.

I wouldn't teach her that's how society sees woman with multiple partners.

We should be changing how society reacts to woman in these situations differently to men. I'd teach her how to make that point to anyone who felt it their place to comment.

But as far as teaching her sex doesn't equal love you just say that. Her body is hers to give and no one's to take and as long as she consents to this and accepts the other person may have a different feeling afterwards then to enjoy it.

I'd focus more on the consent and safe sex.

My mum gave us all the talks that you are talking about. How our body is a temple, how you should only sleep with people who respect you, how some men will use you for sex and discard you.

My mum was very open and honest about this stuff.

I still shagged loads of people.

All you can do is be there for her and let her know you are open to her asking any question and she can come to you with anything.