How to speak to teenager about societies view on women having sex with multiple people?

[disin]

I slept with a lot of men - a-lot - from the age of 16 - 25. I really thought that by sleeping with them it would turn into love or a relationship. I slept with so many men that my nickname was 'slutty disin'. It made me feel like shit and I only slept with most of these men because I was desperate for love.

Twenty years on and with a different head on my shoulders I can look back and see how sad that was. Growing up though or as a teen nobody taught me these 'societal rules' that sex doesn't equal love and that men can sleep with however many women they like but women are judged for doing the same thing.

I have a teen girl of my own now and I am eager to do things differently. However, I struggle with how to explain these 'societal rules' in a balanced manner. For instance, women should absolutely be entitled to sleep with who they want, however many people that may be - there should be no shame, however, there is and that is just how society sadly is. How do I teach her that sex isn't shameful, one night stands aren't shameful, sleeping with multiple men isn't shameful yet still encourage her to only sleep with men/women who respect, care and love her.

I don't know if I'm getting my point across. In an ideal world I would prefer my daughter not to sleep with hundreds of men like I did, however, she is entitled to do so and she should be entitled to do so without judgement. However, I think a lot of the time it leaves women feeling like shit. I can't count the amount of times that I have had sex with someone and never hear from them again.

How do I tell a teen that although sleeping with someone might feel nice at the time, it can feel pretty shit the next day when they ignore you? How do I teach her that sex does not equal love and that sex is best with someone that cares about you?

I'm not sure if I'm overthinking this as my sexual history has defined my life in certain ways, how I view myself, how I view men, relationships, sex. I want her to have someone to guide her with this as it's something I never had.

Any advice? AIBU to be thinking so deeply about this?

Sex is sex. Love is love. I wouldn't romanticise sex to her. Most men don't. She'll end up with unrealistic expectations that won't be met, or she'll get hurt. Also, it's no one's business how many people she has sex with. There isn't a prize for keeping below a certain number. She doesn't need to reveal the number to anyone.

It's a weird topic to discuss
You better of telling her to be safe. Take birth control and use her common sense

dont tell her its fine to sleep around though 🤔

Its her body of course. And you are right that boys are viewed as cool and girls as sluts when they do the same things.
But I think having great amount sex should kept for later in life.
Not for when you are 16... or in your teenage years.

I am not saying dont have sex
But be a bit picky about it. Then when you grow up. Have as much sex as you want. Be be discreet about who you tell. Especially (!) In thid day and age...

I was a bit of a slapper in my late teens. Due to my situation of rebelling against weird foster parents and not particularly caring, had fair few encounters. A few with girls to. It is the 21st century so people can be less judgemental.
Obviously I do not know this teen. Be calm and don't back eachother into corners.
Update further down the line on how things go.

@Bubblebubblebah

Monogamy isnt the opposite of cheating.

Faithfulness is the opposite of cheating.

Monogamy is the opposite of promiscuity.

@woodhill

Take a bow!

I think a lot of the other replies on the thread are very sad.

I think its absolutely remarkable that ppl could take issue with the idea of women having high standards, not selling themselves short, being responsible, insisting on being respected and not giving themselves away in return for nothing.

Then again, we live in a society which believes that men can turn into women, so what do we expect?

Hang on, I had lots of great sex when I was younger with a whole variety of men and women that I CHOSE to have sex with. I respected myself, I was in control, it was on my terms. I had high standards, I didn't pick up anyone, it was only people I fancied physically, and I certainly didn't "sell myself short" - not entirely what you mean but I interpreted it as settling for a fuck instead of what I really wanted. I had ONS because that IS what I wanted. I was horny, I wanted to fuck someone so I did. I didn't and still don't want a relationship. Been there, done that, no thanks. Selling myself short IMO would be to be in a relationship just so I can get laid.

I have also never given myself away. As above, it has always been my choice and my decision. No one has "taken part of me" (I know that was another poster who said that you give part of yourself each time you have sex) If anything, I didn't respect some of the men afterwards as they got clingy, wanting to know if they could see me again. I always made sure everyone involved knew it was just a shag and would not lead to anything. For some reason, some decided to ignore that after and think I would have fallen for them. No.

The line further up the thread about "treasures" 🤢 We're women,not dainty Disney princesses waiting, virtue in hand, for a prince to rescue us from a life of chastity! I am a woman who can make her own decisions about what (or who) I do without needing a man to respect me. Fuck that, respect me, don't respect me. I don't really care. Random people's opinions of me don't matter and why should they? If a man doesn't respect me cause I've slept with him or whoever? Boohoo, I'll be crying over my coffee 🤣 if the people I've slept with don't respect me? Oh well, I won't be seeing them again anyway so who gives a shit?

Oh and I don't believe men can be women either, just to address your random last point.

I think its absolutely remarkable that ppl could take issue with the idea of women having high standards, not selling themselves short, being responsible, insisting on being respected and not giving themselves away in return for nothing.

I take issue with almost every word of this. You can have high standards and sleep with a few people. I'm not 'selling' myself (repulsive wording) so how could I sell myself short? You can be responsible and use contraception. I agree that women should insist on being respected, but that doesn't mean virginial. And again that idea that women are 'selling' something.

The person who doesn't respect women is you. Women aren't commodities and their sexuality shouldn't be for sale. Or exchanged for certain behaviours from men.

And BTW, happily married here for ages. Not shagging around or unfaithful. But I really take against this judgemental and transactional view of women.

It's like there is some kind of deep-rooted belief that sex is bad, and so anyone who indulges in it lessens themselves, and the more people they indulge in it with the worse it is and the lesser of a person you become. It is nothing more than misogyny.

Sex isn't "bad". People who have sex aren't doing something bad. People who enjoy sex aren't bad. The number of people you have sex with doesn't make it worse.

Women are not a commodity to be "for sale".

There is such deep rooted misogyny in every word of that post.

Teach her safety, self esteem and self worth
Definitely don't reinforce outdated gender stereotypes or say it's ok when a man does it but not a woman

I think that there a lot of focus on the word “consent” (and it’s important) but I prefer to focus on the word “respect”. Respect for yourself and respect for others. It shouldn’t just be “did I/ they consent to have sex” but “will I/ they be glad that we had sex tomorrow/ next week/ next year?” “Will I even remember them in the future?” “Why do I want to have sex with them?”
Personally, I have no problem with a man or woman who just wants to have sex with someone, providing they don’t pretend otherwise. But it’s always worth remembering that even if YOU are honest about how you feel, not everyone else is. So,E times people say they love, when they just want sex. And actually sometimes people say they just want sex, when they are really hoping for something more than that. Tell her that it’s a minefield. Tell her that she doesn’t have to have sex with anyone that she doesn’t want to, in that moment no matter how much pressure and expectation she feels. Tell her that if she DOES have sex with someone that she regrets, that that’s ok as well, learn from it, no need to compound it. And tell her that she can always talk to you, because you love her unconditionally.

I would also recommend the Louise Perry book (Case Against the Sexual Revolution) that has been linked to upthread by at least a couple of posters already. Even if you don't actually get her to read it, it might be useful for you yourself to read, as it's a thought-provoking book and could be helpful to you in kind of sorting out in your own head what your thoughts. And you don't have to agree with everything Perry says (I don't, but still found it a very useful read).

I do think it's worth having these discussions with both boys and girls. I feel like the kind of talks they get in school are a bit too much in the direction of "everyone is different, everyone must do what feels right for them, nobody must ever judge" etc., rather than giving clear and truthful guidance about this kind of stuff.

not giving themselves away in return for nothing.
Sex is not giving yourself away.

What you get in return is sex, pleasure and fun.

Have you heard of condoms and the HPV vaccine?

Condoms aren't 100%, and don't protect against everything.

In general, anti-STI guidance works best when it is multipronged. Use condoms, sure. But the more people stick to general rules like "Get to know someone well before having sex with them, and only have one sexual partner at a time," the harder it is for things to get passed around (as it greatly increases the chances that any STIs will be detected and treated before the person has a chance to pass them on. Delay also creates a window for talking about getting tested before having sex).

Other elements you need to give more space in this discussion:

• the health risks of many sexual partners - sexual fun is fine but not without risks & especially to women.
• the very real risk of pregnancy if you aren’t very careful - life changing and not an easy thing to navigate even in great circumstances. Society has moved on from women being completely repressed and disadvantaged, but not complete even today.
• the link between self esteem and ‘giving yourself away’ for want of a better phrase. There is more meaning to love and relationships than just the sexual part.
• social media is obsessed with looks and beauty - it’s not really the ‘truth’ in life- its about valuing yourself and your relationships on a deeper level.

best of luck op xox

But that IS how society views promiscuous women.It isn't fair or right but it IS a fact.Many men will not regard a women who has (as another t her poster put it) made herself cheap as material for a serious relationship. Certainly nor someone to marry

I think what's really disturbing to some people is that they have a view of sex as the ace up a woman's sleeve. The winning ticket that will secure her a relationship and keep a man by her side. If it's withheld than men will have no choice but to give love and commitment in exchange for it.
Women who are happy to have sex without these things lessen that power, so there is a lot of discouragement under the guise of concern for women. When what they should really be asking is why they consider a man who needs to be bribed with sex into commitment is worth winning in the first place.

That’s a really regressive (and increasingly inaccurate) attitude, and teaching it to your kids only perpetuates it. The reality is that people with normal sex lives don’t get judged. And it’s a terrible lesson to teach girls they have to behave in a certain way to be ‘good enough’ for others. It’s not like they don’t get exposed to enough of that outside the home.

As long as OP teaches self-respect, safety, and consent, that is enough.

Monogamy is to have one partner at the time. Bar few instances of threesome, I was therefore monogamous😁

Antonym for promiscuoty is celibacy.

But that IS how society views promiscuous women.It isn't fair or right but it IS a fact.Many men will not regard a women who has (as another t her poster put it) made herself cheap as material for a serious relationship. Certainly nor someone to marry

You are right. Let's keep the status quo to make men and some women happy.
Ladies, time for shopping I guess. 😔 Back to our women corner. Be good girls so men will like you

Wow, just so many red flags from two sentences! Just because some women enjoy having sex with multiple partners it doesn't make them cheap. Anyone thinking that you are selling yourself, especially to someone you love, is very messed up in my opinion! Please stop trying to advise others - you are in no position to do so!

But sex isn't always better when there is a connection
In my experience having sex with someone you love adds a whole different dimension to it.
I had a fair bit of casual sex when I was younger and have no issue with it. However I think its important to say sex is at its best when love is involved. Otherwise it's easy to see "good sex" as being adventurous and giving and getting orgasms. And those things aren't what all women are going to enjoy/find easy so they might think they aren't good at sex.

I feel boys are shamed even more than girls about promiscuity and are written off as "fuck boys"
Simply not true. Also "fuck boy" refers to boys who lead lots of girls on just for sex then discard them after, or boys who are persistent cheats.

It's important to say it is individual. Some people can have the best sex without love, some don't.
Like anything in life

But this is the issue

In your experience

Your daughters will be different people with different needs

It's very odd to then bring into the mix the 'sex with connection' is better when that's not true for all. In fact I don't know many women who'd say that their best sexual experiences were with someone they had a connection to.

It forms part of the shame trope that you should then hold out for a connection.