How to speak to teenager about societies view on women having sex with multiple people?

[disin]

I slept with a lot of men - a-lot - from the age of 16 - 25. I really thought that by sleeping with them it would turn into love or a relationship. I slept with so many men that my nickname was 'slutty disin'. It made me feel like shit and I only slept with most of these men because I was desperate for love.

Twenty years on and with a different head on my shoulders I can look back and see how sad that was. Growing up though or as a teen nobody taught me these 'societal rules' that sex doesn't equal love and that men can sleep with however many women they like but women are judged for doing the same thing.

I have a teen girl of my own now and I am eager to do things differently. However, I struggle with how to explain these 'societal rules' in a balanced manner. For instance, women should absolutely be entitled to sleep with who they want, however many people that may be - there should be no shame, however, there is and that is just how society sadly is. How do I teach her that sex isn't shameful, one night stands aren't shameful, sleeping with multiple men isn't shameful yet still encourage her to only sleep with men/women who respect, care and love her.

I don't know if I'm getting my point across. In an ideal world I would prefer my daughter not to sleep with hundreds of men like I did, however, she is entitled to do so and she should be entitled to do so without judgement. However, I think a lot of the time it leaves women feeling like shit. I can't count the amount of times that I have had sex with someone and never hear from them again.

How do I tell a teen that although sleeping with someone might feel nice at the time, it can feel pretty shit the next day when they ignore you? How do I teach her that sex does not equal love and that sex is best with someone that cares about you?

I'm not sure if I'm overthinking this as my sexual history has defined my life in certain ways, how I view myself, how I view men, relationships, sex. I want her to have someone to guide her with this as it's something I never had.

Any advice? AIBU to be thinking so deeply about this?

Sorry that was a bit of stream of consciousness! I sometimes wish MN had an edit button!

I would say that women , of the type of some on this thread, raising sons, is why society still judges women as sexual beings so harshly 🤷‍♀️

I've never felt the need to tell my daughters that society may judge them harshly if they have too much sex. I've raised my daughters, and my sons, to respect themselves and others. Respect is quite broad and includes things like consent and protection and treating each other with kindness.
That they know WHO they are and how they wish to be treated is far more important to me

DD is 15 and what I hear from her and her friends they are very much into "Thanks, but no thanks", at least at the moment. It feels like they want to make sure they want it for themselves, not because they fancy another person.

We had a fairly open discussion when she had a sex ed workshop in Y9 and we talked about toys, porn, self-pleasure and importantly consent.

I told her that sex can be fun, it doesn't have to be the big romantic relationship but the last thing it should be is the feeling she needs to do it to be valued. If pressured than it's wrong and you don't have to have sex with each frog to find your prince.

I'm afraid that my view is that things have changed massively from a safety perspective due to the influence of porn ( activities formerly not mainstream such as strangulation and violence being normalised), it being extraordinarily difficult to secure a rape conviction, the increasing trend to regard women as support humans rather than real people etc. Therefore sex or even being alone with a man you don't know very well is a huge risk for young women. It's a hard message to convey, but harder to experience when things go wrong.
I've always been on the cautious side, but recent conversations with young relatives and trainees at work have cemented my view above. I was aghast to hear from one young woman in her early 20s ( graduate now in professional role - definitely not naive or victim parental neglect etc) that all of her friends have been raped or sexually assaulted, many by their 'boyfriends ' who appear to have no notion of consent or female pleasure.