How to speak to teenager about societies view on women having sex with multiple people?

[disin]

I slept with a lot of men - a-lot - from the age of 16 - 25. I really thought that by sleeping with them it would turn into love or a relationship. I slept with so many men that my nickname was 'slutty disin'. It made me feel like shit and I only slept with most of these men because I was desperate for love.

Twenty years on and with a different head on my shoulders I can look back and see how sad that was. Growing up though or as a teen nobody taught me these 'societal rules' that sex doesn't equal love and that men can sleep with however many women they like but women are judged for doing the same thing.

I have a teen girl of my own now and I am eager to do things differently. However, I struggle with how to explain these 'societal rules' in a balanced manner. For instance, women should absolutely be entitled to sleep with who they want, however many people that may be - there should be no shame, however, there is and that is just how society sadly is. How do I teach her that sex isn't shameful, one night stands aren't shameful, sleeping with multiple men isn't shameful yet still encourage her to only sleep with men/women who respect, care and love her.

I don't know if I'm getting my point across. In an ideal world I would prefer my daughter not to sleep with hundreds of men like I did, however, she is entitled to do so and she should be entitled to do so without judgement. However, I think a lot of the time it leaves women feeling like shit. I can't count the amount of times that I have had sex with someone and never hear from them again.

How do I tell a teen that although sleeping with someone might feel nice at the time, it can feel pretty shit the next day when they ignore you? How do I teach her that sex does not equal love and that sex is best with someone that cares about you?

I'm not sure if I'm overthinking this as my sexual history has defined my life in certain ways, how I view myself, how I view men, relationships, sex. I want her to have someone to guide her with this as it's something I never had.

Any advice? AIBU to be thinking so deeply about this?

The only thing that matters is having sex for the right reason - that she wants too.
Its more about having trust in her judgment, having self esteem. It’s not having a low shag count. Her happiness and being true to herself is more important than the views of tragic souls that are going to talk about someone else’s sex life.

Thank you, just ordered.

To be honest, we should not defend one night stands or multiple partners. They happen - usually due to booze etc - but they are not something we should be proud of. I am not being judgemental, Ive done it myself.

Men do not respect women whom they have one night stands with.

Teach your daughter that her emotional love and her physical affection are her treasures, and her treasure should only be given away to men who (i) earn it and (ii) are worthy of her.

Young women should be very discerning and so should find that very few men are worthy of them.

Additionally, given that babies are the natural result of sex, and contraception isn't fully reliable, even very suitable men should be made to wait until a committed relationship - ideally a marriage.

Some people will think that is old fashioned or unrealistic, but it really isnt. For a start, men respect that stance much more.

I am always amazed how many modern young women rush to give men everything in return for absolutely nothing.

Women today give financial support, domestic help, emotional love and sex - in return for nothing. Its crazy. None of that should be given, without (at the very least) respect and cast iron commitment in return.

If women followed these rules, the aibu forum would be defunct overnight.

I'm perfectly happy with the one night stands and multiple partners I've had.

What we need to do is challenge societal attitudes.

Help her have great self esteem.

Then she'll chose the sex she wants, whether that's a lot or a little, and not care what other people think about it.

The most important thing is enthusiastic consent. That's the lesson we bang on about in this house.

Or women warning women from personal experience? Or is there only one 'feminist' type of sex life?

I respectfully disagree.

While you say women now give men so much for nothing, chosing not to have sex when and how I want to so men would respect me, I am doing exactly that. I am giving up something for the chance a man will respect me. Maybe our upping of standards should be bit different (I agree many should absolutely up their standards when it comes to relationship) than "well I won't do that because my potential future man wouldn't want me to".

It is pandering to men. If a future partner will not respect the fact I have free will, libido, and used the free will to have enjoyable time, they will simply not be a future partner.

How about you don't speak for others, thanks? "We" are not "all" thinking the same thing.

Well I do agree eith pp that calling women cheap for sex outside of commited relationship is quite judgy and shouldn't be acceptable

Surely you put yourself at risk from cervical cancer and STDs the more partners you have.

I agree with Newsaint tbh

I think monogamy isn't a bad thing

There is no right or wrong tbh
Personally I had one night stands mainly because I was looking for something more inevitably I ended up Hurt but that's about me ( my last one night stand ended up in a 17 year and counting relationship )
But some women enjoy casual sex if it's safe and Enjoyable there is nothing wrong with that either

www.amazon.co.uk/Sex-Power-Money-Sara-Pascoe/dp/0571336000/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=2949DCLA5MW66&keywords=sara+pascoe&qid=1663447380&sprefix=sara+pascoe%2Caps%2C181&sr=8-1 I read this book recently and thought it would be quite a helpful one to read and discuss in a situation like this, not because Sara Pascoe has all the answers, but because she's given some thought to the questions.

Remember that you don’t have to present a perfect answer to her. You’re allowed to tell her that there are conflicting messages.

Also don’t forget to listen. Ask her what she thinks first. Just listen. My teen told me - I don’t want sex yet, but when I do, it’ll be my choice, and I can have as many partners as I want, but I personally don’t want to set any records cos I want the sex to be good, and “ain’t nobody getting this that don’t deserve it” 😆

Make sure your know where you’re starting from with her. Listen listen and listen some more.

No one here is supporting cheating

Have you heard of condoms and the HPV vaccine?

What an out dated view

Why should women care what men do or don't respect

Sex is fun, especially when no strings attached

I couldn't care less if a one night stand respected me afterwards

The beauty of never having to see them again

What a pathetic thing to say. Nobody is cheap for having sex 🙄

This in spades

My best sexual experience is one where he didn't love me, I didn't love him - tbh MN as a collective would have a stroke about the age gap (he was 38 I had just turned 17 but had a fake ID saying I was 25 so he had no idea)

But by lord did he teach me things about my body I had no idea about

That one night led to me being able to assert myself and push for my needs being met in every sexual experience thereafter

I thank him for my fulfilling sex life after that point!

Sex does not equals love. Also attraction does not equals respect. Sex is something that a good relationship will probably include BUT that there are many aspects to a relationship that have to be working too.

Consent, safe sex, safe sex and safe sex. Be open and non judgemental and she'll probably get all of the above anyway.

I'd teach her assertiveness. Nothing wrong with having sex for fun, if it's not fun or she changes her mind or doesn't want to for any reason, no is a complete sentence.

I'd also teach her that sex is so much better with connection. Took me a long time to understand that because of the culture of sex being separate to love. And I will be teaching my children. It's important.

I really recommend that you read the book The Case Against the Sexual Revolution by Louise Perry. It verbalises beautifully a lot of the feelings I have about the issue you've described, and contextualises men and women's sexual behaviours. It might help you talk things through with your daughter.

I was like you too OP when I was younger, and it didn't make me happy either. I'm not ashamed of myself but I wish I'd had the insight then to understand why I did what I did and why it didn't make me feel good.

I’m oddly intrigued by your opinion - why is a woman having sex outside of love ‘cheap’?

But sex isn't always better when there is a connection

I'm not sure why you think the OP should teach their child things that aren't inherently true

Yes, I think I would do the same. A follow on from learning about boundaries for bodies and feelings.

When I was younger I too was a lot like others on the thread - thinking it would lead to love. So I think for me I’d also want to articulate this in some way too.

But my one pet hate is when other women call other women slags, sluts, whores etc - I find that attitude just as bad as the fellas from my youth who would blindside me with fake interest just to have sex.