How to speak to teenager about societies view on women having sex with multiple people?

[disin]

I slept with a lot of men - a-lot - from the age of 16 - 25. I really thought that by sleeping with them it would turn into love or a relationship. I slept with so many men that my nickname was 'slutty disin'. It made me feel like shit and I only slept with most of these men because I was desperate for love.

Twenty years on and with a different head on my shoulders I can look back and see how sad that was. Growing up though or as a teen nobody taught me these 'societal rules' that sex doesn't equal love and that men can sleep with however many women they like but women are judged for doing the same thing.

I have a teen girl of my own now and I am eager to do things differently. However, I struggle with how to explain these 'societal rules' in a balanced manner. For instance, women should absolutely be entitled to sleep with who they want, however many people that may be - there should be no shame, however, there is and that is just how society sadly is. How do I teach her that sex isn't shameful, one night stands aren't shameful, sleeping with multiple men isn't shameful yet still encourage her to only sleep with men/women who respect, care and love her.

I don't know if I'm getting my point across. In an ideal world I would prefer my daughter not to sleep with hundreds of men like I did, however, she is entitled to do so and she should be entitled to do so without judgement. However, I think a lot of the time it leaves women feeling like shit. I can't count the amount of times that I have had sex with someone and never hear from them again.

How do I tell a teen that although sleeping with someone might feel nice at the time, it can feel pretty shit the next day when they ignore you? How do I teach her that sex does not equal love and that sex is best with someone that cares about you?

I'm not sure if I'm overthinking this as my sexual history has defined my life in certain ways, how I view myself, how I view men, relationships, sex. I want her to have someone to guide her with this as it's something I never had.

Any advice? AIBU to be thinking so deeply about this?

I'd tread carefully op

As you seem to have issues around this area which can then be passed onto your DD

Of course tell her sex doesn't always equal love

But I wouldn't be telling mine that women are judged for having lots of sex

Especially your line about it feeling nice and then you can feel shit after - that's very much on the shame side

Christ

The 1940's called

They want their views back

Your views are outdated and things have moved on.

I would tell her to be confident and make sure she doesn't get coerced into any sexual activity she doesn't actively want. Tell her she can say no at any point if she charges her mind. And explain how some women can enjoy a great sex life without a relationship and others feel like shit after a ons, neither are wrong and she should do what makes her feel good.

The only sex she should be having is sex she actually wants. So no sex under peer pressure or feeling like she should.

This. Have sex because you want to have sex. Full stop. Not to make someone like you, not because you feel you should. No other reason other than you really want to. This is really allthat needs to be said (other than contraception).

Please do not speak to her like this OP! Awful advice!

I wouldn't tell her that women are judged for having sex with different people (because I don't think they are unless it's done in a very small, incestuous circle like when you're at school and everyone knows), but I would say, she might find she judges herself about doing so, and that's worse.
I would talk to her about following her own instincts at all times and not being afraid to act on them. I would tell her that trying to shag someone into loving or caring for you never works. I would discuss with her what her ideas are about what constitutes 'good sex', ie orgasms (hers), nice feelings and sensations in her body (in fact I'd heavily emphasise how important it is to centre yourself in a sexual experience, rather than focusing on servicing your partner). I would talk to her about why letting things build up slowly feels sexy and exciting. I would tell her it's fine to have hard lines around anything she doesn't like - it doesn't make you a prude or any other derogatory name. I would beg her to include choking or asphyxiation games as a hard no, and I would talk about how little pressure it would take to kill her. I'd tell her about the worst sex I'd had, and the best, and why that was so. I would tell her about never being able to get nudes off the internet, and always to crop her head out.

I've had this chat with both of my dc. I've taught them that sex must be safe, consenting, and without photographs. I've told them that they can have sex with as few or as many partners as they like, as long as they follow the aforementioned unbreakable rules. They own their bodies. For the record I had few partners, just a couple of serious relationships until I met my now dh in my teens. No one owes you anything due to sex, and you don't owe them anything - including a relationship or even call back the next day.

I was going to suggest this.

also Louise Perry has had several conversations and long for interviews about this book and you can easily find them on YouTube and they really are worth a watch.

Certainly found it interesting with the sex differences between men and women and their sexual desire, attraction and needs.

Nothing prudish about it as I’ve seen others say on various platforms.

I think you have to remember that she isn’t you, and her experiences may be very different.

I would teach her:

The 4 basics - consent, health, personal safety, online safety.

Sex is great fun, but approach it with caution in the early days while you are working out your approach to it - depending on what kind of person you are, it can mess with your feelings.

Sex is not love, but because of the intense feelings it produces, that can be easy to mistake.

It’s fine to sleep with people you don’t love, as long as you Want to and are careful with both your feelings and theirs. Don’t hang around with anyone who doesn’t treat you with respect, and treat everyone you sleep with with respect.

It’s also fine to reserve sex only for committed relationships. Doing this does not make you less adventurous or sexual.

I would not teach her society judges women who sleep around, or that casual sex makes women feel like shit - I don’t think either is true as a rule.

I would however teach her not to discuss her sex life with everyone IRL or online. Sex is part of your personal life, it’s not for public consumption.

And I forgot to add, @Cillery, step away from the convent love, and stop flogging yourself in the market place. You seem to have some very odd and old fashioned views.

Think you might be overthinking this as she’s not you and you shouldn’t feel the need to get her to learn from your teen years as she may not feel the same now as you did then.

Just have the same chat you would have with a son ie be safe, protect yourself, be intimate with people you trust, non trustworthy people may gossip or hurt your feelings, don’t send pictures to just anyone, talk about consent etc

it doesn’t have to be personal ie about your regrets and journey. She’s 100% already thinking about sex (even if it’s just curiosity) and discussing it with her friends. She’s probably aware that sex doesn’t equal love.

Which star ship just landed and dropped @yummymummyvanessa off? Is she pimping out her son? 🤣🤣

Judgement straight away. Having sex with someone you don't love or want a relationship is not cheap. This is not helpful.

I'd be teaching her first and foremost that her sex life is her private business and there should be no reason for anyone to have an opinion on it - that includes her mother.

the OP is asking for an opinion. I gave mine. No need to be defensive

I think this is very balanced I had quite a few one night stands and felt like shit after because I was looking for more but that's about me
Many people can just enjoy sex for what it is
Incidentally though the last one night stand I did have is upstairs now with our two boys ,17 years later 🤣

@qpmz isn't being defensive, she is saying what we are all thinking that opinions like yours are neither helpful, relevant or appropriate in an equal society.

I think what you need to teach her is:
Only ever have sex because you want it.
Never have sex just to please the other person.
Never use sex to 'buy' affection, love or approval.
Never do anything sexually that you feel is wrong or hurtful to anyone else, and as long as you know you've stuck to that, never let anyone shame you.
Do not criticise other women for their sexual activity. Defend other women if other people criticise them.

Well the beauty of liberation is that we can do what we want (unless of course judgy women say no. I know, I know, I am now judging the judgy).

It means that we can happily have casual sex if we wish to, or we can happily have sex only in relationship if we wish to.
Casual sex does not devalue a person if they wanted it to be casual sex, same way like waiting for relationship doesn't devalues a person.

Sex does not equal love. Sex does not make someone fall in love if there is nothing else common. That is important to know.

I slept with many because I enjoyed it, I have friend who was virgin until mid twenties because she wanted sex only in serious relationship. Total opposite, but nothing wrong with either of them! As long as the person is happy doing what they doing, all is ok.

I’d have had a lot less sex if I only slept with men and women that loved me, and missed out on some great times.

Sex is for pleasure is the best thing we can teach our daughters, IMO.

I guess if it was me id try to list it as

Sex can happen and also be enjoyable
Sometimes it's when we are horny
Sometimes it's when we want intimacy
Sometimes it's to feel wanted and desired
Sometimes it's to begin making a family
However also sometimes we have a session, but the other person may ghost you afterwards and be only interested in having the cake and eating it.

Rarely can sex on its own, lead to a loving relationship.

However sexual activities should in theory be free from all judgements, and you should be able to get and have your pleasure as many ways and as often as you want, with whoever you want.

That said society's double standards, will judge you very detailed, if it's known that your free spirited with your love making.

so in summary do the business with whoever, whenever and However you want, but try to keep your conquests, on the downlow.

@disin

In general, I think fuck societal expectations because most of them are baffling and weird. Especially when it comes to women enjoying sex, which is concerning.

• Safe
• Enthusiastic consent
• With whoever you want, whenever you want
• Options for an unwanted pregnancy are available and how to access them

I hear you.

Bring her up to be confident and strong, to know her boundaries, to be able to say no - job done!

Who cares what scores are on the doors if everything is consenting, enjoyable and respectful.