ILs won't contribute to our wedding but spent fortune on BIL

[gobblefiend]

Would you be annoyed if ILs paid £35000 + for BIL/SIL wedding but did not want to contribute a penny to yours?

Both my family and ILs are well off. SIL family aren't rich so ILs paid for their entire wedding. Big big wedding, country house, entertainment then paid honeymoon business class flights upgrade for them both. Spent a fortune on them.

MIL made it very clear she did not want to pay for our wedding by saying 'I'm not paying for it' very bluntly after we announced our engagement. We were shocked she was so tactless but she has form for not wanting to help us. This furthered my already deeply held suspicion of favouritism towards BIL/SIL anyway (long story).

Now, firstly let me say that we didn't expect any contribution from ILs, genuinely. We were going to pay for it ourselves, but am I wrong to feel hurt that she said this? To not want to contribute anything for her other son? I feel she is jealous of my family's money (even though she is rich herself) and it stems from this (plus the favouritism) that she'd go as far as not wanting to contribute anything. Our feelings weren't considered and never are, it's all about pleasing her son/DIL.

My family don't splash the cash like her, in fact the opposite, they are very frugal. I couldn't imagine doing it to my kids, I would always treat them fairly but AIBU?

HRTFT but I had similar ILs. I come from a family with lots of siblings and DF was terminally ill when I married so I had no expectation of anything from my parents, who were actually very generous considering.
They made it perfectly clear what they thought of me. How I wish I'd read 'Toxic in laws' back then but I might not have married my lovely DH if I hadn't been so naive. There are so many outing details of that day but one is they said it was embarrassing that we chose a tiny wedding in a registry office (I'm atheist and it was there or church.) They didn't even get us a card or gift, despite paying thousands for both SIL's weddings. MIL spent a thousand pounds on an outfit and told everyone it cost more than my dress.
I gave my bouquet to an aunt to put on my grandmother's grave. When we came back from honeymoon the flowers were sat on her dining room table. They did and said some unforgivable things.
They have set you free by telling you now. Just make sure your partner is firmly on your side. I'd see this as a positive because you owe them nothing and no invites would be extended to any of their friends and their input would not be welcome.

Your MIL is being unreasonable paying for one son's wedding and not another.

However, is there anything you can really do about it?? Agree with other posters who have said it is up to your DP to raise this with his Mum.

On a positive note - if she refuses to contribute, you get to call the shots and make all the decisions. You owe her nothing and you don't need to to tell her f*all. You can treat her like a normal guest - you are free!!

Also- it sounds as if you have benefited from her handouts in the past. I would be personally grateful for that. Not many have that privilege. Also, by acting the better person and rising above it, you may find she may be willing to help you both out in the future. (But you also have every right to feel annoyed about your wedding).

I would just go ahead with your wedding with the happiness she can't call the shots because she's contributed. If your fiance is happy with everything and doesn't particularly feel his mother's preference towards his brother and wife, then just leave it and don't get angry on his part. Do you and your and his family all live in the same neck of the woods? A red flag is your future MiL berating your father for not contributing to your husband's business. I wouldn't like her on my doorstep. Also, how do you get on with BiL and SiL?

Virtually the first words out of my future MIL's mouth when my fiance told her we were engaged were "We don't mind if you elope".

I first thoughts were 'fuck you then' and 'I don't care what you mind' ... I know for certain FIL doesn't like me, but even to this day my fiance insists his mother does...meh. I'm 54, they are both 73 and I'm far too old to care...

We don't see BIL/SIL often as they moved to the other side of the country. I prefer SIL to BIL. He has cheated on her in the past-she found out about one but not the others. We (me, partner, MIL/FIL) all know he's cheated many times on her in the past so I'm not his biggest fan. IMO she deserved to know when we found out but I would never divulge it now of course. He been a gambler too. SIL is nice but full of herself

Why are you fighting this ?

”I find her so difficult. She throws her toys out of the pram so often her family laugh it off. I'm not willing to put up with it anymore though. To feel second best”

You are giving her power over you if you are allow her to effect you emotionally by feeling second best. You need to let that go, be cordial, and indifferent, it seems like she knows how to press your buttons to get a response. Don’t do that.

Let her poor behavior be hers, don’t buy into it. Laugh with her family, cuz they are not laughing with her….

She lives across the country so you can go super low contact. Plan the big holidays with people you want to be with, no strain or dread when you think about those plans, right?

Show your fiancé how a supportive family operates, this will empower him and hopefully arm him with the tools needed to support your own family as it grows.

You have a life to live where she doesn’t warrant being a footnote. Take care!

Careful OP my in laws are very much the same and the favouritism has never ended. In fact they’ve caused a bone of contention between my husband and I since day one. He won’t say anything to them about how they make him feel and is always upset with their behaviour. He did try once or twice (he said) but they didn’t listen. Didn’t want me to say anything either. It eats away at him.

Ive stopped taking the shit and am now no contact with them.

My therapist warned me that you marry the family too before I got married… and she wasn’t wrong but I scoffed at the time.

Not saying any of this to put you off because you need to do what’s best for you. Just enter the marriage with your eyes open. It’s doubtful that it will get better. Toxic people don’t stop being toxic.

💐 neither of you deserve to be treated this way.

They sound like a horrible family. Your DH-to-be has grown up in this dynamic so there's going to be a lot of ingrained crap there which will show up over time. I think you both would benefit from several months of therapy before proceeding with a wedding.

From your latest post, OP, I think your gut might be telling you to have a big think about whether you want to be involved in this toxic family "until death do us part". @billy1966 has given great advice which I hope you'll take on board.

On another note, I don't think I've ever seen a thread where so many posters have such poor comprehensive skills!

• The parents paid for the son's wedding, the DIL is who he married, not their daughter
• It's about the unequal treatment, not how much was spent on a wedding day

For me, as someone who's BIL is clearly favourite, this is how I would do it.

I would plan it your way. Not allow her any input into the guest list. Let your husband decide his family guest list and stick to it.

Do a round table, not a "top table" that way you don't have to parade the miserable cow as if you're all happy families and she had a prize spot as darling mother of the groom. Sit yourself next to your parents. Fill the rest with MOH and best man, invite them both out for dinner and drinks with your parents the month before so they all get along well and you have a nice table atmosphere.

Photos, do your family ones, then some group ones and try avoid ones with them. Let your husband take ones with his parents , they don't deserve your wedding pictures on their mantelpiece!

Keep your cool. It's your wedding!

You know OP its really hard for people you don't see to treat you badly.

My ils paid for their DD’s wedding and everything had to be the best. They actually asked dh if we could help them out financially! DH and I had been married for 6 years and had 3 DCs, so definitely did not have any spare money. They were most upset that he wasn’t willing to help out his DS, to the extent he actually thought about taking a loan out, which I completely put the kybosh on, I told him I would leave him if he put his DS before his own children!

When we had got married, they gave us a miserly £200 and dh’s share of the guest list was mostly made up of their friends! I wasn’t happy that he didn’t get to ask his friends, but he didn’t want to rock the boat!

Be very careful OP, that you know your future DH will be strong enough to support you and stand up to his parents.

If I had known how toxic my In-laws are I would of reconsidered marrying my husband

They have caused no end of stress, also favour his sister over him. Similar thing done with weddings

Never bother with our kids or my husband .

Husband is used to it so says nothing

I'm totally NC with them now as couldn't take there toxic behaviour anymore

I find it sad though as some of my friends have fantastic in laws and I feel upset with what awful people I got stuck with

I honestly would think long and hard , if your husband will cut them out your lives for hood I would marry him but if not then I would run a mile.

Blimey MIL is a manipulative piece of work! If you truly love your husband to be, marry him, pay for it yourself, give MIL the minimum hospitality your fiancé can deal with. Do not involve her in any wedding plans, tell her nothing except date/time. She will criticise everything from colour scheme to menu if you give her a window in.
If she kicks off on the day, have her removed, do not let her toxicity spoil your day (have some burly male friends primed to help if necessary). After the wedding, distance yourself from her, and BIL. It's up to your future husband what he wants to do. When (if) you have children, think carefully of the extent of her contact with them. She sounds as if she could try to manipulate any grandchildren, so time alone with them is a red flag. Good luck.

Laid back = he won't support you against her

Don't marry this man

Laid back = he won't support you against her

IME laid back = lazy

My MIL is the same. Probably paid a fortune towards SIL's wedding (never asked though) Had DH's sister and brother living with them, mooching off them and generally taking the piss for years. My DH had no choice but to leave home and fend for himself because his loser brother (an adult at the time) kept stealing his stuff. And when my DH was made redundant the first words that came out of his mum's mouth was 'you needn't think you're moving back in with us' (we never asked to anyway thanks bitch and frankly I'd rather sleep in a cardboard box and stick pins in my eyes than live with you but good to know where you stand....) We have a dd now and they run around ragged after his sister's kids but offer basically zero help to us. And this is all just the tip of the iceberg tbh ITO some of some of the horrific stuff they've done. This is all fine. They're grown adults. They're entitled to do what they wish with their time and money just as we are. What goes around comes around. They needn't think I'm lifting a finger or paying a penny towards any nursing care they need when the time comes ...

Agreed.

Also how do your inlaws know about your family finances?
You need to be more discreet.

You are getting wise advice on here.

Especially when people remind you that we do bring our rearing into our marriages with us.

If he has been reared in a toxic environment of favourites, golden children, narcissistic parents, it will have left his mark.

He's laid back means he avoids conflict because he is still a scared child.

He is unable or unwilling to stand up to his parents when they behave badly.

He won't stand up for you.
He won't 🙈🙉🙊.

This will be who he is.

If you have children he will allow them to be used and manipulated and will follow his parents directions ahead of yours.

Before your eyes, your love will die.

Your respect and admiration will disappear as you realise you haven't married a healthy man, but a scared child.

You will realise you are the ONLY adult in your marriage and your children only have one parent.

I am so sorry to be negative but young women like you have their lives and dreams destroyed by marrying men that are so enmeshed with a toxic dynamic that they are unable to stand up for themselves not to mind another person.

You deserve better than this.

Honestly the money and the wedding is so unimportant.

It is the marriage that you should be focusing on and how you will feel if this poisonous dynamic is a part of your life.

That your MIl would come to your parents home demanding money is extraordinary.

Surely any decent family would be appalled and aghast at such crass behaviour.

She has no boundaries and she will spend your marriage trampling on any you have.

Press pause, get into therapy and look very hard at this man.

Whatever love you feel you have for him won't long be going out the window as you witness nothing but drama and ugliness surrounding your every interaction with these people.

Dramatic perhaps, but save yourself!!

Not inviting them would be the nuclear option, which is something I would have insisted on if it was me, but I'm a psycho with no social skills who doesn't take people's shit, so it would be like water off a ducks back for me, but it sounds like that's a nonstarter with your future husband.

I like the idea of them having no involvement and publicly subtly erasing them from any involvement, I'd ask your partner to not have his dad or brother in the wedding party as ushers etc. same for SIL as bridesmaid etc. I'd sit the in-laws and their golden son and daughter-in-law on a table at the back not at a head table, then wheel out the gifts for your parents/siblings/friends who were involved, and don't even mention them in any speeches, but I also think your partner isn't going to agree to any of that either, so you're going to end up sitting next to you MIL on the head table listening to her criticise everything from the DJ to the quality of the food you picked.

Before your eyes, your love will die.

Your respect and admiration will disappear as you realise you haven't married a healthy man, but a scared child.

You will realise you are the ONLY adult in your marriage and your children only have one parent.

100% this. It will destroy all of your resources: emotional, cognitive, physical, and financial.

You will think love and support can conquer all. They don't. There is a gaping maw of need and deep unhappiness that creates a vortex of misery and hopelessness.

We didn’t get anything by towards our wedding or married life from my in-laws.

my sil got a deposit for her first house and wedding contributed towards and gets all the childcare she ever needs.

Unfair, wasn’t expected at all but still felt to be unfair. I have both sexes of children myself and will help both.

My mum called my FIL when engaged and explained she wants to make a contribution of £x and would he be offended. He said absolutely not and matched her. Thought very diplomatic of her and also very kind of them both. Perhaps your parents could reach out and check if they wanted to contribute (be it financially or by a particular assistance). Of course, you may not want to considering your MIL sounds like a 🙃🙃🙃

You are right to be hurt. Do not allow her to have any input then as she doesn't want to pay. Don't let her chose the guest list for your husbands side of the family, let your husband chose and who he even wants there, not all this extended family that don't even care about you both anyway. Majority of people that are invited only come for the food and judge everything. So only invite who actually cares about you both etc. She don't wanna contribute, so she has zero say on anything. It's not her wedding, simple. She can't have it two ways, so any complaining she does into valid, she has zero grounds. She does not sound supportive whatsoever.

I experienced this. My DH’s parents paid for my BIL’s wedding - as parents of SIL had no money. My parents funded my wedding to DH - in full. I never expected in-laws to contribute but was miffed all the same.

What really annoyed me was that my DH made his speech thanking BOTH sets of parents!!!!!! WTF????? It was only MY PARENTS!!!!

I nearly stood up to put the record straight!!!! But this was 32 years ago and then it was not expected for brides to speak up! It still bloody rankles!!!!!

OP, sadly this woman sounds awful.
if she gave you a penny for the wedding she would own the whole show.
I too HAD a toxic MIL and SIL. For the first year my DH didn’t have my back and stood back whilst I was demoralised, emotionally abused and at my lowest. We nearly got divorced.
The minute he woke up and saw everything for what it was everything was better. We have been NC with In-laws for 7 years. This is the best thing we have done.
cut her out of your life. She is vile