ILs won't contribute to our wedding but spent fortune on BIL

[gobblefiend]

Would you be annoyed if ILs paid £35000 + for BIL/SIL wedding but did not want to contribute a penny to yours?

Both my family and ILs are well off. SIL family aren't rich so ILs paid for their entire wedding. Big big wedding, country house, entertainment then paid honeymoon business class flights upgrade for them both. Spent a fortune on them.

MIL made it very clear she did not want to pay for our wedding by saying 'I'm not paying for it' very bluntly after we announced our engagement. We were shocked she was so tactless but she has form for not wanting to help us. This furthered my already deeply held suspicion of favouritism towards BIL/SIL anyway (long story).

Now, firstly let me say that we didn't expect any contribution from ILs, genuinely. We were going to pay for it ourselves, but am I wrong to feel hurt that she said this? To not want to contribute anything for her other son? I feel she is jealous of my family's money (even though she is rich herself) and it stems from this (plus the favouritism) that she'd go as far as not wanting to contribute anything. Our feelings weren't considered and never are, it's all about pleasing her son/DIL.

My family don't splash the cash like her, in fact the opposite, they are very frugal. I couldn't imagine doing it to my kids, I would always treat them fairly but AIBU?

I'd probably still marry him, but I'd be having a very serious conversation with him first where you explain that you aren't going to be doing any DIL 'duties' – not arranging meet ups, not doing cards or presents for his side of the family, not doing solo visits if/when you have DCs, not building any kind of relationship with ILs as they clearly aren't bothered, not chatting on the phone (just say 'I'll tell him you called') etc etc. This way you protect yourself from her toxicity and if your DH can't stand up to her, it will be him bearing the consequences of that, not you.

£35k for a wedding? She probably doesn't have any money left.

Why can you not pay for your own wedding instead of expecting someone else to foot the bill?

You were very clear with your point in your op. I think some posters are just desperate to disagree!! Or this person just didn't bother reading.

Maybe she felt taken advantage of because she folked out so much for the last week. By your own admission your family have money sils didn't so she feels that your father should contribute as your the daughter.

It's hurtful yes but it's more your fiancee's hurt as it's his family. I wouldn't be as bothered if it were my il but I'd certainly keep them at a distance after it but I'd be 10 times more hurt if my own mother did this. Why hasn't your fiancee asked her about the unfairness?

Missed the point, we are paying for it

I thought it was tradition to the family of the bride to pay for it?

Great news, you get to plan the wedding that you want with no input from anyone else who may be contributing!

I can highly recommend a small, low faff wedding. We had 11 guests in a gorgeous hotel, put the majority of our money into food and booze, no bridesmaids/ushers/flower girls to fall out with anyone over and did my own makeup while SIL did my hair. Best day ever, I could speak to everyone and was super relaxed on the day. Saved us a fortune too! (Although I appreciate this may not be an issue with you, but maybe time to stand on your own two feet as it sounds like you have had a lot of handouts from your parents).

*£35k for a wedding? She probably doesn't have any money left.

Why can you not pay for your own wedding instead of expecting someone else to foot the bill*

op said they were well off, to some people 35k is not alot or an amount they can afford to spend and not feel it. The issue is the double standard more than the money.

yup good point! also OP her issues are hers alone, there are ways not to make them yours.

E.g seeing them less due to a full calendar, helping your fiancé feel welcome in your family, giving your family lots of trust and responsibility e.g roles at wedding then childcare if relevant, events and holidays together etc w/o in laws.

I’d have MIL there then present huge bouquets to your mum, any friend or relative who’s helped, bottle of best Scotch for your dad and a speech about how wonderful they are and how much love they’ve put into your wedding, you feel truly blessed. ( no mention of money) Do not mention MIL.

I think all my ILs see is that 'her family have money'. There's jealously there for sure. That money is not in my bank account though! As I said they are frugal. We are paying for our own wedding. ILs are NC with their respective siblings (about money), fall out with business partners about money, the list goes on

When you say your BIL/SIL, do you mean your husband to be's sister? Traditionally, the wedding is paid for by the bride's family. Could this be it?

BIL is partners brother

Nope. Two brothers.

Why not "compromise" by inviting them as evening guests 😂?

OK I see its your bil. Note to self:read thread properly.

My point still (kind of) stands, in that traditionally, brides family pays. Maybe the family of the bills wife aren't well off.

I'm not sticking up for them BTW just suggesting an alternative view.

She's demanded a lot of money from my dad to help us start a business

How does that work then?

Why was she involved?

My husband is an only child & his mum is still disappointed that he didn't go to grammar school.🙄

(He's nearly 60!)

Nobody should expect their wedding to be paid for by their parents, and you’ve said you’re paying yourselves.

It’s the blatant favouritism which is the poison. The success of your marriage will depend on your husband’s willingness to be in a ream with you , rather than constantly pandering to his parents. They are showing you how this will be for life, even if you end up having children.

You do need to invite your in-laws, but they don’t get any say over how it works or who’s invited. Ignore tantrums .

BIL's not Bill. Unless Bill is invited.

My in laws didn't even give us a card never mind contribute to the wedding. They're loaded. My family are not and gave us 15k. Their daughter is getting married soon and I'm not sure what they're paying, but I don't care, they dote on us in other ways and are otherwise very generous, I think they're just old fashioned and thought the brides family paid. Was a but gutted that they didn't give us a card or any symbolic gift but hey ho, they had a wonderful day at the wedding and they still rave about it, and that's the most important thing!

The fact other dil gets on with her is very telling especially the comment about thinking she sun shines out of her arse.That your two different personalities. I'm guessing there's been bad blood on both sides. It's very easy for mumsnet to paint mil as the bad guy bit dils can be equally bad. I'm guessing you don't get on with sil and bil?

This surely hasn't gone on for years has it?

I mean don't adults pay for their own wedding & parents (either side) chip in if they want to?

So your parents are frugal. Rich but frugal and are not paying for your wedding.

But you expect your in laws to fork out £35,000 because they did it for your brother in law as his wife's parents are poor.

Emmm ok then.

Pay for your own wedding then and stop complaining about the "vile" people that you hate that won't fund it for you.

No. They are your bf's parents, of course they should be invited ( unless bf doesn't want to of course)