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AIBU?

To ask for your views on surrogacy?

247 replies

consortiar · 17/09/2022 06:32

Is it ok a surrogate?

Is it ever ok to use a surrogate?

In what circumstance is it not ok?

In what circumstance is it ok?

Kardashians are an example and other celebs that have lots of money and no time or possibly inclination to be pregnant?

Lesbians presumably can carry their own baby with the use of a sperm donor.

What about gay couple that would like to use their sperm and an egg donor?

If it's not ok. What is it specifically that is wrong?

Couples that cannot have children due to the woman not being able to carry a baby, do they lose their entitlement to have a biological child due to the perceived wrong in using a surrogate?

OP posts:
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Butchyrestingface · 17/09/2022 20:29

Thems a lot of questions for a non-journalist.

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Butchyrestingface · 17/09/2022 20:32

Surrogacy is wrong. Women and babies are not a commodity. Women are not "breeders" "birthing vessels" or any other woke asshole word which dehumanises us.

'Gestational carrier' was the quaint phrase I believe Nicole Kidman and him indoors used.

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Hotandbothereds · 17/09/2022 20:56

I wonder how many of the people who immediately say it’s wrong on all levels/having a child isn’t a right are already parents themselves?

I do think if you’re in the situation of infertility, not having struggled to conceive, but full on no you will never have a child infertility then it does change your viewpoint on surrogacy as an option.

I think unless you’ve been in that situation it’s very hard to fully understand that its an option that some people could see as valid.

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Porcupineintherough · 17/09/2022 20:57

I think if I want to carry a baby for a sister or cousin then it's no one's business but ours.

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Muddledandbefuddled · 17/09/2022 21:01

The Intended Parent podcast is worth a listen. It's presented by two women who had their children through surrogacy.

I have really mixed feelings. On the one hand I feel desperately sad for people who can not carry their own children. I think there's potential for women to be exploited, although some clearly go into it for the right reasons and are happy to do so. But I can't get away from the fact that I'm not sure it's fair on the child. Having done some reading it appears that it can be very traumatic to a child to be removed from their mother at birth, even if that mother isn't their biological parent.

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RoseslnTheHospital · 17/09/2022 21:02

@Hotandbothereds my opinion on surrogacy became more defined after I had my own children and became very fully aware of the risks and dangers of pregnancy. It's not something that anyone should ask or pay for another women to go through. Not to mention the ethics/damage of taking a baby away from its mother at birth, deliberately.

It's usually widely agreed that people should not be bought or sold, or even just given to other people. Yet when it's a newborn surrogate baby it's somehow suddenly acceptable.

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Crunchingleaf · 17/09/2022 21:48

Hotandbothereds · 17/09/2022 20:56

I wonder how many of the people who immediately say it’s wrong on all levels/having a child isn’t a right are already parents themselves?

I do think if you’re in the situation of infertility, not having struggled to conceive, but full on no you will never have a child infertility then it does change your viewpoint on surrogacy as an option.

I think unless you’ve been in that situation it’s very hard to fully understand that its an option that some people could see as valid.

The flip side of this is that many infertile couples haven’t really been in a position to understand the health risks that come with pregnancy.
Often it’s only after you have your own children you get a real insight into other women’s pregnancy, labours and post-partum recovery.
One of the things that has to be talked about more when it comes to surrogacy is what your asking someone to put her body through and the risks she is taking to her own health. Instead it’s all puff pieces about how wonderful it all is. What if you leave children in another family without a mother or a disabled mother?
Before I had my own children I definitely didn’t see any drawbacks to surrogacy.

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KimberleyClark · 17/09/2022 22:10

Hotandbothereds · 17/09/2022 20:56

I wonder how many of the people who immediately say it’s wrong on all levels/having a child isn’t a right are already parents themselves?

I do think if you’re in the situation of infertility, not having struggled to conceive, but full on no you will never have a child infertility then it does change your viewpoint on surrogacy as an option.

I think unless you’ve been in that situation it’s very hard to fully understand that its an option that some people could see as valid.

I couldn’t have children due to infertility.

I do not believe having a child is a right.

I don’t agree with surrogacy.

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AYearOfCushions · 17/09/2022 22:34

@Hotandbothereds

Also once you've had your own children you've experienced first hand the bond.

I've had 3 children and with my second I was really detached from the whole pregnancy. Very different from my 1st and 3rd. I drew a blank thinking about the baby, couldn't envisage this child in my life. Didn't enjoy the kicks of scans etc, they only served to know that the baby was there and healthy, he was planned.
However when he was born it was instant love, an instant bond.
Newborns are also instantly bonded to you too. They know you already. I don't know the ins and outs but something happens biologically and that is that.

And pregnancy. First baby, 10 stitches. Nearly a complete tear from A to B if you know what I mean. Long recovery. Second baby, a fractured coccyx, blood loss, swelling, SPD. Third baby, gestational diabetes and an early induction.
And I'm a young (ish) healthy and fit woman with no health issues.
Pregnancy is no walk in the park and none of those things could have been predicted.

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ChagSameachDoreen · 17/09/2022 22:38

Surrogacy is wrong and morally unconscionable in every situation.

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Sunnidaze · 17/09/2022 22:53

Hotandbothereds · 17/09/2022 20:56

I wonder how many of the people who immediately say it’s wrong on all levels/having a child isn’t a right are already parents themselves?

I do think if you’re in the situation of infertility, not having struggled to conceive, but full on no you will never have a child infertility then it does change your viewpoint on surrogacy as an option.

I think unless you’ve been in that situation it’s very hard to fully understand that its an option that some people could see as valid.

Agreed.

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HTH1 · 17/09/2022 22:54

Greeneyegirl · 17/09/2022 20:22

I agree with surrogacy. Friend of mine is looking into it now. She is 30, was diagnosed with ovarian cancer aged 27, was able to do rounds of egg harvesting before beginning treatment with the purpose of carrying them herself but now has womb cancer.

Like a lot of things its actually better and safer when legalised and regulated. In LA for example the surrogate cannot use her own egg and must be educated to a certain level and have a certain level of income which helps with keeping it safwd for all involved.

That’s very sad for your friend. I hope she makes a full recovery but, if she doesn’t (and that possibility can’t be ignored), the poor baby will lose both his/her birth and adoptive mothers.

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TheKeatingFive · 17/09/2022 22:59

I think unless you’ve been in that situation it’s very hard to fully understand that its an option that some people could see as valid.

It's sad for people who can't have children themselves for whatever reason. However that sadness doesn't give them rights over another woman's body to make parenthood happen for them.

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PestoPasghetti · 17/09/2022 23:01

CuntAmongstThePigeons · 17/09/2022 08:14

I think surrogacy is always wrong.

It's buying a baby and renting a womb. Children aren't fashion accessories and women aren't for hire.

We know from endless research that removing a baby from its mother causes untold pain and lifelong damage. Hence why we don't remove puppies and kittens from their mother until 8 weeks.

Removing a child from it's mother is sometimes a necessary evil, hence why adoption exists. In some cases we do it for the protection of the child.

But to create a child PURELY to traumatize it by removing it from its mother is utterly dystopian and evil.

No one is entitled to a child.

This in a nutshell! It's not like there aren't existing children out there needing homes!

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5zeds · 17/09/2022 23:08

I do think if you’re in the situation of infertility, not having struggled to conceive, but full on no you will never have a child infertility then it does change your viewpoint on surrogacy as an option. I think when I was childless, and I had a long intrusive and gruelling journey to parenthood, I probably would have thought it was ok in some situations. Having been in both situations I really don’t think it’s ok. I feel it’s like prostitution, I understand what drives people to it but still think it’s desperately damaging for everyone involved.

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CaptainBarbosa · 17/09/2022 23:10

I find surrogacy unsettling. I really do.

The idea that you can hire another human beings body, to perform a function that could be fatal to them.

Like, why?!

I also just worry about the mental health of all involved, if something where to go wrong, if the baby died, how the baby feels being seperate from its birth mother. The bonding of the non biological parents to the baby without the correct hormonal changes. Women's brains change to accommodate the responsibilities that will be placed upon them such as lack of sleep and exhaustion but to prevent them from harming their babies through this there is a seismic shift in brain chemicals to facilitate this caring responsibility!

Yeah, I just, don't like it. I find it bizzare at best and horrific at worst.

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MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 17/09/2022 23:10

I believe it's wrong under any circumstance and I can't believe it's legal.

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BashfulClam · 17/09/2022 23:17

Like anything else, not my uterus, not my business.

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Hotandbothereds · 17/09/2022 23:22

@AYearOfCushions

Also once you've had your own children you've experienced first hand the bond.

A quite spectacularly insensitive thing to say when discussing other people’s infertility.

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willithappen · 17/09/2022 23:24

It's completely up to the woman who decides to do it. Her body, her choice

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Hotandbothereds · 17/09/2022 23:25

5zeds · 17/09/2022 23:08

I do think if you’re in the situation of infertility, not having struggled to conceive, but full on no you will never have a child infertility then it does change your viewpoint on surrogacy as an option. I think when I was childless, and I had a long intrusive and gruelling journey to parenthood, I probably would have thought it was ok in some situations. Having been in both situations I really don’t think it’s ok. I feel it’s like prostitution, I understand what drives people to it but still think it’s desperately damaging for everyone involved.

But your journey did lead to parenthood, no matter how hard and painful that was, it’s not the situation I’m describing.

If it hadn’t, all I’m saying is that you may see this differently, and you can’t really 100% know how you’d feel in those circumstances.

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BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ · 17/09/2022 23:28

The problem with surrogacy is that it's almost always not between equals. Those using surrogates are (almost always) rich and those who become surrogates are (almost always) poor. Therefore it's a problem. If it was genuinely between equal groups then it would be different, but the nature of how it's organised (here, but more so in places like the US) mean it's not a level playing field between would-be parents and the women carrying the babies.

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AYearOfCushions · 17/09/2022 23:30

@Hotandbothereds
I'm not discussing infertility I'm discussing surrogacy.
One may lead to the other but they're two separate things aren't they?

If someone is infertile I don't think surrogacy is an ethical solution at all no matter what your fertility struggles are. My sensitivities lie with the potential baby in this matter, not the infertile person.

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Mamai90 · 17/09/2022 23:32

I always was supportive of surrogacy until I became a MN'er. My eyes have been opened and I think it's wrong be able to buy a baby and has been normalised by celebrities. I still am, however, in support of the type of altruistic surrogacy for instance, a sibling, I know if my sister couldn't have a baby it would be something I would do for her, but outside of that, no way!

Human beings should not be for sale.

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Mamai90 · 17/09/2022 23:33

And I suffered from infertility for years so I know how painful it is to not be able to conceive but the child and should be the most important thing here.

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