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AIBU?

To ask for your views on surrogacy?

247 replies

consortiar · 17/09/2022 06:32

Is it ok a surrogate?

Is it ever ok to use a surrogate?

In what circumstance is it not ok?

In what circumstance is it ok?

Kardashians are an example and other celebs that have lots of money and no time or possibly inclination to be pregnant?

Lesbians presumably can carry their own baby with the use of a sperm donor.

What about gay couple that would like to use their sperm and an egg donor?

If it's not ok. What is it specifically that is wrong?

Couples that cannot have children due to the woman not being able to carry a baby, do they lose their entitlement to have a biological child due to the perceived wrong in using a surrogate?

OP posts:
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wellhelloitsme · 18/09/2022 09:34

@Oliverfunyuns

I don't see any difference between a woman giving up a child for adoption and a woman acting as surrogate.

You honestly don't see a difference? I find it hard to believe that.

I'm adopted and feel very lucky I was. Being adopted took me, an existing child, out of foster care and gave me a second chance at life which I've made the most of.

Adoption is saving a living, breathing child to satisfy that child's needs. The child already exists and needs to be looked after.

Surrogacy is creating a living, breathing child to satisfy the wants of adults.

I'm shocked if you really can't see the difference.

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TheKeatingFive · 18/09/2022 09:37

What if your friend or family member had complications long term for their health as a result of the pregnancy?

I wonder about this. What planning or contingency is done around the possibility of the surrogate mother dying, becoming disabled or infertile as a result of carrying someone else's baby?

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GabriellaMontez · 18/09/2022 09:42

Surrogacy turns woman and baby into a commodity. For sale (by the poorest) to the highest bidder.

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TheOtherWoman2 · 18/09/2022 11:26

dujnf · 18/09/2022 06:26

How much does it cost?

What if the baby has disability or some issue that means it will have to be terminated? Will the surrogate just have to get over that as part of her job? Will your daughter just cough up the money and go again?

Hmm, I just can't square the circle on this one.

Around £20k. You can say the same for any pregnancy. And yes I imagine so, they would also cover the costs for amy emergency or post birth treatment the surrogate would need.

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sagalooshoe · 18/09/2022 11:31

£20K?

That's £3 an hour. That's appalling. People paying this paltry amount should be ashamed of themselves.

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TheKeatingFive · 18/09/2022 11:32

And yes I imagine so, they would also cover the costs for amy emergency or post birth treatment the surrogate would need.

What if the surrogate is rendered disabled or infertile as a result of the experience? Or dead? What would be reasonable compensation then I wonder?

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OhILoveDoughnuts · 18/09/2022 12:06

MrsJamin · 18/09/2022 07:32

@OhILoveDoughnuts What if that pregnancy resulted in long term medical issues for you, that meant you couldn't have a normal relationship of your own, you couldn't work, or how would your family member feel if you died during childbirth? And how could you be sure to feel like that other person was the mother, and not you? That baby would respond to you differently to anyone else and might cause resentment from your family member. You can't predict the likelihood of any of these outcomes just from your feelings or theirs.

This is all very true.

I don't agree with rich woman, paying poor woman etc. the imbalance doesn't sit right with me. But loving someone so much, that you would take the risk, for no financial gain. Is something very different.

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Crunchingleaf · 18/09/2022 12:16

Imagine £3 an hour for a really tough pregnancy, full of complications. Where the surrogate mother is no longer able to properly look after her own family due to being so unwell or on bed rest needed to protect herself and an unborn child she will be handing over after birth.
What happens if the surrogate mother requires surgeries afterwards because of birth complications, or physio or if she has birth trauma and needs counselling? Who pays for it. Is there a life assurance policy in event of the surrogate mother dying as a result of the pregnancy or childbirth and leaving behind dependents.

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orbitalcrisis · 18/09/2022 12:25

I think surrogacy is fine. They're not stealing a baby from their mother, of ten the women birthing them are not genetically connected to them. As long as all the adults consent, I don't see the problem. I wouldn't be a surrogate in this country though, I'd want to be paid for my time, pain, risk, injury, etc.

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TheKeatingFive · 18/09/2022 12:27

As long as all the adults consent, I don't see the problem.

You could say that about selling kidneys, so why don't we let people do that?

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MsGrumpytrousers · 18/09/2022 12:48

"I don't consider a surrogate to be the child's mother simply because she carried said child."

A couple of posters that have said this. You're wrong, legally and morally.

And there's nothing simple about carrying a child. Have you forgotten where you are?

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AndTwoFilmsByFrancoisTruffaut · 18/09/2022 12:54

I’m currently pregnant and feel v fortunate to be so. I think it’s VERY easy for women like me to criticise ordinary, childless, infertile, desperate women. You really can only have a valid opinion on surrogacy if you yourself don’t have children and are infertile. Walk a mile in someone’s shoes and all that.

If there is formal and proper consent for all parties and the surrogate is treated with respect, is going in with her eyes wide open, and appropriately financially rewarded, it feels v ‘ivory tower’ to judge.

I reserve my judgement for appalling ‘slebs’ like Kim Kardashian who already has children but took advantage of her wealth to buy more. That is simply disgusting. However, an ordinary, childless woman using a surrogate to fulfil her desire to have a baby? Not my place to judge from my incredibly fortunate position 🤷🏻‍♀️

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HikingBoots · 18/09/2022 13:20

I'm not prepared to put my true views on surrogacy into writing, which will give an indication of what my views are on the subject!
But what I will say is, I think there needs to be a change in rhetoric to encourage people to view a life without kids as being fulfilling and just as valid as the alternative.
Having kids isn't a human right and sometimes you have to accept the hand you're dealt.

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BaileySharp · 18/09/2022 13:25

I think if someone volunteers to do it without compensation (maybe for a family member out of love) then that feels acceptable to me.

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TheKeatingFive · 18/09/2022 13:28

You really can only have a valid opinion on surrogacy if you yourself don’t have children and are infertile. Walk a mile in someone’s shoes and all that.

Perhaps you can only have a valid opinion if you've been a surrogate.

It sickens me to see how much these conversations are centred round the commissioning parent. There are other parties to consider here, with their own rights to be upheld.

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FaultybutFabulous · 18/09/2022 13:40

Women are not for sale or rent for anything. Surrogacy should be illegal.

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mscampbelle · 18/09/2022 13:40

HikingBoots · 18/09/2022 13:20

I'm not prepared to put my true views on surrogacy into writing, which will give an indication of what my views are on the subject!
But what I will say is, I think there needs to be a change in rhetoric to encourage people to view a life without kids as being fulfilling and just as valid as the alternative.
Having kids isn't a human right and sometimes you have to accept the hand you're dealt.

100% feel the same.

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IhateHermioneGranger · 18/09/2022 13:43

HikingBoots · 18/09/2022 13:20

I'm not prepared to put my true views on surrogacy into writing, which will give an indication of what my views are on the subject!
But what I will say is, I think there needs to be a change in rhetoric to encourage people to view a life without kids as being fulfilling and just as valid as the alternative.
Having kids isn't a human right and sometimes you have to accept the hand you're dealt.

Does that include IVF?

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KimberleyClark · 18/09/2022 13:44

HikingBoots · 18/09/2022 13:20

I'm not prepared to put my true views on surrogacy into writing, which will give an indication of what my views are on the subject!
But what I will say is, I think there needs to be a change in rhetoric to encourage people to view a life without kids as being fulfilling and just as valid as the alternative.
Having kids isn't a human right and sometimes you have to accept the hand you're dealt.

Agreed, as a childless not originally by choice woman.

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Sushi7 · 18/09/2022 13:45

I think surrogacy is okay if:

  1. A woman is using her own eggs but cannot carry a baby for whatever reason (which prevents young woman desperate for money from being taken advantage of and undergoing the gruelling process of egg harvesting). In other words, her eggs are put into the surrogate
  2. The surrogate is not paid (which prevents young woman desperate for money from being taken advantage of and undergoing the trauma of pregnancy and childbirth).
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habibihabibi · 18/09/2022 14:01

Codswallop20 · 17/09/2022 23:52

Whoops!

My absolutely lovely and gorgeous gay friends have a child who was born via surrogate. He is a beautiful and happy, loved child. His parents are fantastic and almost certainly better than me, female baby maker by gender.

I know what they went through with the surrogacy and it was not easy at all, they went through hell and back for their child. It was dedication that I doubt many of us would have.

Why did they order a baby rather than adopt ?
Couples can adopt children from Ukraine.
There are 100,0000+ in orphanages. Some of those "orphans" are failed surrogacy deals.
Now the war means more babies will join them as the people who ordered them can't pick them up.

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IhateHermioneGranger · 18/09/2022 14:45

habibihabibi · 18/09/2022 14:01

Why did they order a baby rather than adopt ?
Couples can adopt children from Ukraine.
There are 100,0000+ in orphanages. Some of those "orphans" are failed surrogacy deals.
Now the war means more babies will join them as the people who ordered them can't pick them up.

Most children even before the war in orphanages like Ukraine or Romania are disabled. Somehow doubt they will be wanted.

I wouldn't have done surrogacy whilst going through infertility but I wouldn't have wanted to "just adopt either".

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Acidburn · 18/09/2022 16:06

So if baby's needs are more important than parents needs, then poor people shouldn't be having children. But if someone on MN dares to say stuff like that - or at least that parents need to consider their financial situation before having 2d or 3d child - they will be shredded into pieces. How does that work?

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CuntAmongstThePigeons · 18/09/2022 16:10

We must be reading a different Mumsnet then.

Many, many times I've seen women asked what their financial situation is before having more children. Posters consistently make the point that it's irresponsible to bring more children into the world that you cannot provide for.

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Acidburn · 18/09/2022 16:11

@CuntAmongstThePigeons ... and yet they keep doing it.

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