Grandparent snubbed our baby?

[FTM2B1]

DH and I live about 300 miles away from our parents. Mine are up North while his dad and partner are in Wales. We had our first baby in May and both sets of grandparents were eager to visit. As we don't all get the chance to get together often we had their visits overlap by a few days, so each set had their own time with baby but we also got to spend time together too. It was a lovely visit which took place end June/early July.

My parents are retired and have since been down once a month for 4 or 5 days to visit with baby but also to help me out a bit. DHs dad and partner haven't been able to visit as much as they are younger and are both still working full time. In fact, they haven't been down since that first visit. DH and I were trying to arrange a visit to them next month for a week and DH had suggested my parents join for a few days again - we both have small families and just thought it'd be nice. DHs das wasnt keen on this idea and asked for "exclusive access" since they see less of us. I thought this was an odd way to phrase it but didn't think it unreasonable to ask so we agreed and said we'd come alone so they didn't need to share the visit with the other set of grandparents. Then DHs das said that a whole week didn't suit them as his partner didn't have annual leave and he didn't want her to be left out. So we said we'd do a long weekend visit and just entertain ourselves when they were working. They haven't spoken a word to us since we suggested this and have ignored any updates on baby to the point I've stopped sending anything for now.

This week, DH messaged me from work to say he had seen on facebook his dad and his partner were on a week long holiday an hour away from us. He messaged them in our group chat to confirm this and they said yes they were an hour away and were planning day trips all round about, one of which they had to drive past our city for and the other was at a seaside town 25 minutes away from us. We asked if we would see them during the visit and the response was simply "no we will not be visiting we needed some time for just us". I dont object to then having time to themselves to unwind but I csnt quite believe they'd travel nearly 300 miles for a holiday that takes them a stones throw from us and not arrange to see the baby. So I messaged back (main form of communication with these guys, they're not big on phone calls) saying the baby had changed a lot since they last saw her and that she was a lot more aware of her surroundings and it was a shame they'd come so far and weren't going to see her. I got no response and DHs dad left the group chat...

We haven't had a falling out prior to this and I'm really puzzled as to what's happened . If it were just me and DH I wouldn't really be too bothered but I'm really hurt that they'd almost go out of their way NOT to see the baby, especially after asking to see her more often. AIBU to be offended by this???

Maybe there's something going on in their lives that they need time together. Can you not go and see them?

Frankly some people (me included) aren't interested in small babies.

Butt out, don't guilt trip them any further. Leave this to your partner to sort out there's obviously an issue. Perhaps they're jealous of your parents or they're having marital issues or illness or something.

Just be grateful you aren't a mner who battles to keep batshit relatives away op
I get it though - ils lived 5 mins away and snubbed us when ds was born premature.. Haven't seen them in over 7 years...

What sort of Dad was your FIL when his were babies? Some people, especially men don't have the same level of interest in babies. I think it was odd that you wanted to do a group visit, especially as your parents are retired and aren't time restricted. How much effort does your DP put in with his Dad? Did you visit etc before the baby?

That does sound very odd OP, but unfortunately what's a priority for you, may not be for others.

I foolishly thought my DHs parents (both remarried) would take an interest in their first grandchildren, both very excited at the first's arriv; his mum visits ~1/Yr for 2 days, his dad has visited 3 times...the children are now 15 and 13.

It's sad, but I just reconcile it that they're the ones missing out on two amazing grandchildren.

Also does the GF have children? Could she be going through menopause and struggling?

It's a bit weird. My MIL who doesn't see DD very often recently chose to go out with her boyfriend instead of see us when we visited her home town. Sometimes parents do weird stuff I guess. She can't guilt trip us for not making journey to her again now though it's clear what her priorities are!

My mil lives a mile and a half away and often means my mum sees more of dd than her. My mum comes round and does my washing, hoovers and cleans my loo while I breastfeed normally ! I’ve told mil she can come round whenever she wants but she ‘doesn’t do texting’ so that translates to ‘you have to ring me and tell me when to come’ … what she actually wants is me to bring dd to her, in a nice outfit so she can have pics taken with her to show her friends,and hold her for a bit whilst I make lunch and hot drinks. So absolutely no help to me whatsoever 🤣

I fully intend to butt out at this stage, I don't want to end up falling out with them and making things worse. Especially jot if they do have something personal going on that they are dealing with. DH has a different dynamic with his parents than I do with mine and maybe I'm just projecting my experiences onto them which isn't very fair really. They got on well but are in touch intermittently whereas I speak to may parents every week some times a couple of times a week. DHs dad lived away from him for a large part of childhood (work commitments that couldn't be easily changed) - they saw one another but didn't live close by.

The GF has several grown up children and 3 grandchildren ranging from 6 months to 8 years in age. They live locally to them and so they see them every week - sometimes through the week and weekends. That said, I'm not sure what level of interaction there is on these visits as we aren't there.

I don’t think YABU, they don’t now seem to want to be involved, but asking to take your parents on your first post baby visit to them was very odd, and could be seen to be saying - not sure I’m wording this well so bear that in mind - disrespectful? As if they can’t have time without your parents having time? Like you don’t want to be alone with them? They’re not worthy of their own visit? It certainly wasn’t a very tactful thing to do.

It wasn't my idea to invite my parents, it was my DHs. Thankfully they get on well and as we are both from small families and our parents seemed to get on and speak over social media, I think he just thought it would be nice to all get together for part of the visit again. We haven't had our wedding yet due to covid and I think he just wanted to make sure they had all been in each others company ahead of then so they were all more familiar? Anyway the idea bombed so it will be separate visits going forward.

Also in the original post I did say we are trying to arrange a visit to them but they won't confirm if the dates we said suit them nor will they put forward a time that does...

They don't sound like very nice people as it stands.

Maybe you'll get an explanation in time, like cancer or divorce. But if this is just how they are, I can't see the love there for your DH or the baby. Very very cold.

Where will you stay when you visit OP?

I think that the harsh truth is they don't want a visit. They wanted exclusive access as a way of getting rid of your parents but it didn't mean they actually wanted anyone to visit. It's pretty clear they don't want to be visited. You're inviting yourself at this point in the face of clear signals not to come. It's the opposite of making you welcome. How sad. It's their loss.

Yeah it’s really weird, my in laws are like this, we get on great but they just aren’t forth coming.

Some grandparents just aren’t interested. And that’s fine, they just won’t get the same privileges that your parents will get as your child grows. You’ve made the effort to arrange something, so there’s nothing else to do, it’s their loss!

Well they've clearly take great offence at you looming to combine visits before and are now trying to make a point.

Let them get on with it - they're cutting off their noses to spite their faces.

At some point, I'd suggest your husband has a chat with them to clear the air and I'd keep it neutral on your side or it becomes a tit for tat.

My in laws have never once come to visit us and DS, we used to live 700 miles away but moved last year and now only live just over an hour away. There’s no reason MIL & SIL couldn’t come, but they’ve made zero effort and zero offers. I’m now 8 months pregnant with DS2 and have said very clearly I won’t be making the effort to take both kids over to visit them when he’s born (DH doesn’t drive) and if they means they don’t have a relationship with them then it’s not my issue. DH has sadly accepted that they don’t and likely won’t ever visit, I find it the most bizarre family dynamic. Especially considering our children are the only grandchildren in the family, and they all acted so excited when DS was born.

My parents live round the corner and I either see or speak to them most days. I would forget the insult you feel from the in laws and instead support your DH, who is likely feeling very upset or embarrassed by his DF, I know that’s how my DH feels. He appreciates all my parents do, but it
makes it even more glaringly obvious how little his family bother.

I don't think I would ever suggest my parents joining us on a trip to the ILs. Maybe inviting both sets of parents to us at the same time, but not expecting ILs to host my parents.

Are you staying with them? I can imagine having house guests for a week is draining, especially when you're working. Nothing to do with not wanting to see people, but I need my space. We live abroad and since we had the kids have never had houseguests. My family and friends will either stay in a hotel or bring their caravan in the summer. I'm happy to ferry guests around if they fly/train rather than drive.

But it is weird that they haven't responded to your long weekend idea or arranged to pop in, even for a cup of tea when they're down your way.

This sounds like my FIL and his wife, they live far away and if we want to see them we have to go to them. My husband stop caring a long time ago and it's them who will miss out on their grandchildren. FIL wasn't a very involved dad, I've only actually met him 3 times (once was our wedding day). As your child gets older your in-laws might become more interested but put your child's happiness first

Are they aware of how often your parents visit? Do your parents post about the baby on social media? If so, I'm guessing there is a bit of jealousy and resentment there that they are unable to have the same level of relationship with their grandchild because of distance and having to work. Inviting your parents along on a visit to them just rubs salt in the wound.

I didnt suggest brining my parents for part of the visit my DH did, see PPs.

No, we wouldn't stay with them in their house - we've never actually done that, DH has always booked a hotel and I've never questioned it. The visits pre baby were always lovely - we'd go to their house for coffee, have day trips together, got for meals in the evening etc and then DH and I would have some time in the city ourselves. So I don't think it's an issue of not wanting us (or a crying baby) in their house.

@hownowpurplecow I think you're right. DH had said after his dad went radio silent that he's really hurt by this situation and just doesn't understand it. Hopefully they can resolve whatever the issue is. For my part I haven't kicked off to DH about this, I just said it was a shame we wouldn't see them but maybe we'd be able to arrange something else later. (Hence me airing my frustration here - I don't want DH to feel even worse about it because of my feelings).

It doesn't matter who invited your parents. They were invited on a visit that was supposed to be for the other grandparents.

I think we're splitting hairs at this point over this issue but they weren't actually invited. DH suggested it, his dad said he'd rather not do that and DH said okay we'll just come down with the baby and... attempts to arrange the visit were ignored.

I'm actually wondering if for whatever reason they don't want a visit just now and instead of just saying so, which might have been difficult for them, they were hoping we'd cancel if my parents couldn't come. I could spend all day having a guess as to whats gone on mind you and still be none the wiser so I think as others have suggested, best just to leave them to it for now and hopefully whatever has gone on can be resolved soon...

Op I think your fil's comment about exclusive access to you and the fact he left the group chat say it all, they've obviously had their noses put out of joint. Your dh asking his dad if your parents could come with you to visit them is probably the main reason, that alone would send my dm bonkers if we'd asked her something similar. Some parents / ils / grandparents do get a lot more jealous and put out than others, and I think that's what it is. They don't seem able to communicate feelings with words, so the trip near to where you live but no we are not visiting incident is their way of getting the message across I think. It's very petty and childish, reminds me of my own dm's behaviour, look up emotionally immature parents.