Grandparent snubbed our baby?

[FTM2B1]

DH and I live about 300 miles away from our parents. Mine are up North while his dad and partner are in Wales. We had our first baby in May and both sets of grandparents were eager to visit. As we don't all get the chance to get together often we had their visits overlap by a few days, so each set had their own time with baby but we also got to spend time together too. It was a lovely visit which took place end June/early July.

My parents are retired and have since been down once a month for 4 or 5 days to visit with baby but also to help me out a bit. DHs dad and partner haven't been able to visit as much as they are younger and are both still working full time. In fact, they haven't been down since that first visit. DH and I were trying to arrange a visit to them next month for a week and DH had suggested my parents join for a few days again - we both have small families and just thought it'd be nice. DHs das wasnt keen on this idea and asked for "exclusive access" since they see less of us. I thought this was an odd way to phrase it but didn't think it unreasonable to ask so we agreed and said we'd come alone so they didn't need to share the visit with the other set of grandparents. Then DHs das said that a whole week didn't suit them as his partner didn't have annual leave and he didn't want her to be left out. So we said we'd do a long weekend visit and just entertain ourselves when they were working. They haven't spoken a word to us since we suggested this and have ignored any updates on baby to the point I've stopped sending anything for now.

This week, DH messaged me from work to say he had seen on facebook his dad and his partner were on a week long holiday an hour away from us. He messaged them in our group chat to confirm this and they said yes they were an hour away and were planning day trips all round about, one of which they had to drive past our city for and the other was at a seaside town 25 minutes away from us. We asked if we would see them during the visit and the response was simply "no we will not be visiting we needed some time for just us". I dont object to then having time to themselves to unwind but I csnt quite believe they'd travel nearly 300 miles for a holiday that takes them a stones throw from us and not arrange to see the baby. So I messaged back (main form of communication with these guys, they're not big on phone calls) saying the baby had changed a lot since they last saw her and that she was a lot more aware of her surroundings and it was a shame they'd come so far and weren't going to see her. I got no response and DHs dad left the group chat...

We haven't had a falling out prior to this and I'm really puzzled as to what's happened . If it were just me and DH I wouldn't really be too bothered but I'm really hurt that they'd almost go out of their way NOT to see the baby, especially after asking to see her more often. AIBU to be offended by this???

@Doingprettywellthanks yes I did:

"We haven't been to see them or anyone else yet, people have been coming to us. The baby was in the NICU for a while after birth and I didn't have a straightforward recovery from the birth. It wasn't life or death but neither of us have been fit for such a long journey. The visit we were trying to arrange to them would have been the first one we made since baby was born."

Quit going on about inviting the other parents, that’s not the issue here. They never made any attempt even before the other parent was jigged and that was dropped so to go no contact in your child and grandchild using that as an excuse is crap and childish.

Just enjoy your time as a family of 3 at the weekends and make clear to family that they are welcome to visit and you’d love to see them. Then leave ball in their court.

and you visit them sooner rather than later.

Basically stop the navel gazing!

Pre children out of interest how often did you visit them op?

I don't think you've done anything terrible - you made a suggestion that fil didn't want to happen and you willingly changed it when he said so. If they are jealous about the amount of time your own parents spend with the baby, they do have the option of visiting you for the occasional weekend. Holidaying nearby and not visiting/flouncing from the group chat, is just him cutting off his nose to spite his face - it's childish and pathetic.
It's the equivalent of you leaving the chat or refusing to visit because the ils see his partner's children every week!
Grown arse adults should communicate directly, not with snippy little PA gestures.

Also, even if a person finds babies to be really dull, grandparents should feign some interest for the sake of their own children. Hurting your kids by making it clear you have no interest in their baby is shitty behaviour. Some people are so selfish and will only do what directly benefits themselves, no matter who they upset in the process!

@Doingprettywellthanks once every 2 or 3 months we'd either go to them or they'd come to us. We never stayed at their home and they rarely stayed with us (twice when there were events on in our city and hotels were ££££) as they think it best to have their own space. That's never been a problem, we're happy to have them stay, happy if they prefer a hotel and happy to stay in a hotel when we visit them.

We would like to visit them sooner rather than later but soonest will be 2023 as FIL doesn't want any visits until his fiance can take time off during the week. Leaving it to DH to sort the details nearer the time.

Just leave the ball in their court - don't go chasing them, make it clear they're welcome to visit and then leave it at that.

I honestly don't think you've been unreasonable about suggesting the joint visit thing. But not everyone is keen on visiting family that often. It is their loss.

@FTM2B1 I do sympathise and can understand your frustration and upset.
My inlaws are the same.
They live a long way away but were overjoyed when we announced there was a baby on the way. Ill be honest and say I tolerate them for DH's sake but would never stop them seeing their first grandchild. For context, they now have a 2nd grandchild.
They travel alot and will drive up to our neck of the woods, stay in a hotel, see friends and family and then go home.
They recently drove up to within 30mins of us. We expected them to ask to drop on to see their grandaughter and we would have happily obliged and made tea.
But they didnt.
Instead they drove past us, several times, to see friends, family and their 2nd grandchild, but not us.
While I wasnt fussed and to be honest was secretly glad, I was a bit annoyed that they didnt even ask to drop in given how close they were.
DH called them out on it and got a feeble excuse of 'we didnt think you would have time' and then sent a load of clothes and toys for DD in the post.
That wound me up more to be honest.

Going forward its up to them to spare the time as far as we are concerned. Theyre too far away for us to visit on a day trip and they are not set up to accomodate us overnight either.
I always say 'pick your battles', fighting with the inlaws isnt one I am prepared to get involved in.
Its their loss at the end of the day.
Enjoy your time with your beautiful baby instead.

Can I ask why you’d like them to visit? When you really think about it, if they’re not expressing enthusiasm for a visit, why are you so keen?

I really feel for you.

It sounds like all you’ve been trying to do is build a close family around your child.

Having to parent your own parents (or in laws) is exhausting. Leave them to it.

@Doingprettywellthanks it's not so much that I particularly want them to visit. It's that he complained he didn't get to see her then drove within 25 minutes or us and didn't visit.

What I think is, make some of the effort to see her or don't complain that you don't get to see her. Some PP on this thread are of the opinion I'm being self centred in thinking they should have "given up" some of their holiday, but I wouldn't have thought so if FIL hadn't brought up visits in the first place.

I think FIL is being quite selfish. Complained to DH that he doesn't see the baby, complained that my parents spend more time with the baby but he will not visit nor allow us to bring the baby to him until next year. Make that make sense.

@Diablocircus thank you, that is what we were trying for. We can still do that, just in separate groups. DD won't miss out either way, she is very loved and as mentioned earlier I the thread, she's not aware of anything going on. My OP was because I was upset that FIL had passed comment but then didn't visit and was awkward when we tried to arrange something.

Now that he's flat out said he won't be seeing her this year it makes it easier really. He can get in touch with DH when his fiance can take holidays and sort something then.

I agree. It's weird to me how some people think it's unreasonable to want this 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Also, an adult leaving a group chat in a PA move is completely ridiculous and childish.

I can’t
Consequently in yours and your DH’s shoes I’d make it clear that very welcome and then I would give zero thought and enjoy my new baby and weekends as a family unit and time with my parents.