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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparent snubbed our baby?

140 replies

FTM2B1 · 16/09/2022 13:42

DH and I live about 300 miles away from our parents. Mine are up North while his dad and partner are in Wales. We had our first baby in May and both sets of grandparents were eager to visit. As we don't all get the chance to get together often we had their visits overlap by a few days, so each set had their own time with baby but we also got to spend time together too. It was a lovely visit which took place end June/early July.

My parents are retired and have since been down once a month for 4 or 5 days to visit with baby but also to help me out a bit. DHs dad and partner haven't been able to visit as much as they are younger and are both still working full time. In fact, they haven't been down since that first visit. DH and I were trying to arrange a visit to them next month for a week and DH had suggested my parents join for a few days again - we both have small families and just thought it'd be nice. DHs das wasnt keen on this idea and asked for "exclusive access" since they see less of us. I thought this was an odd way to phrase it but didn't think it unreasonable to ask so we agreed and said we'd come alone so they didn't need to share the visit with the other set of grandparents. Then DHs das said that a whole week didn't suit them as his partner didn't have annual leave and he didn't want her to be left out. So we said we'd do a long weekend visit and just entertain ourselves when they were working. They haven't spoken a word to us since we suggested this and have ignored any updates on baby to the point I've stopped sending anything for now.

This week, DH messaged me from work to say he had seen on facebook his dad and his partner were on a week long holiday an hour away from us. He messaged them in our group chat to confirm this and they said yes they were an hour away and were planning day trips all round about, one of which they had to drive past our city for and the other was at a seaside town 25 minutes away from us. We asked if we would see them during the visit and the response was simply "no we will not be visiting we needed some time for just us". I dont object to then having time to themselves to unwind but I csnt quite believe they'd travel nearly 300 miles for a holiday that takes them a stones throw from us and not arrange to see the baby. So I messaged back (main form of communication with these guys, they're not big on phone calls) saying the baby had changed a lot since they last saw her and that she was a lot more aware of her surroundings and it was a shame they'd come so far and weren't going to see her. I got no response and DHs dad left the group chat...

We haven't had a falling out prior to this and I'm really puzzled as to what's happened . If it were just me and DH I wouldn't really be too bothered but I'm really hurt that they'd almost go out of their way NOT to see the baby, especially after asking to see her more often. AIBU to be offended by this???

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 25/09/2022 05:28

Your FIL is a weirdly gauche man.

"Exclusive access" ??? The baby isn't a fancy restaurant.

YY to staying home for Christmas. Traipsing around to other people's houses with a baby in tow in poor weather is never a good idea.

Goosygandy · 25/09/2022 05:29

I think they don't sound very interested, which must be terribly hurtful to your DH. It can sometimes happen when a man meets a second partner that he transfers any interest in family life to her children and grandchildren. It certainly seems like she prioritises her family and he goes along with that. If my children lived away and wanted to come and see me I'd love that and I would also be delighted to see them for a couple of hours if I was on holiday near them. But then, quite frankly, I always lived with my own children and couldn't have done a job that meant I spent most of my time away from them.

It's ridiculous to suggest she might feel left out. It's not even her son and grandchild and she'd be around in the evening. But then you changed plans to make it a weekend and accommodate her and that still wasn't suitable. I don't see why people are so anxious to make it your fault. Even if they were hurt about something I don't see why that means that they can't discuss that rather than just cutting you off.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 25/09/2022 05:33

My parents are not maternal or paternal in any way. They make almost zero effort to see our children but still manage to act all put out when they realise how close my children are to my MIL. I just don’t engage or try to facilitate contact anymore. TBH I don’t care now. My children don’t need them to feel loved and valued by family.

MargotChateau · 25/09/2022 06:39

Drop the rope op @FTM2B1 . Let your husband deal with them. They have a toxic way of communicating, leaving group chats, visiting close by but pointedly choosing not to drop in.

Be thankful they are aren’t like my inlaws who are pushy and intrusive, I’d prefer the avoidant type I could just ignore and see every few years.

I’d strongly recommend ‘Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage’ by Susan Forward. I wish I’d read this when I first met my DP, and someone on here recommended it to me a while back and it’s been a godsend for dealing with inlaws with poor communication skills and toxic behaviour.

Elerandooo · 25/09/2022 06:45

My dad hasn’t seen my 15 month old son in 14 weeks. He lives 20 minutes away. I’ve stopped caring. If they don’t want to make the effort for their own grandchild, just leave them to it. They’re the only ones losing out in the end.

Annigolden · 25/09/2022 06:48

I’d stop contacting them. Put the onus on them to arrange visits,

Isaidnoalready · 25/09/2022 06:49

Same thing happened to me her first ever grandchild as her son had fertility issues it might have been her ONLY grandchild we didn't live far but they never visited and we didn't drive so logistics meant it was tricky sorting visits around buses etc but we did visit when invited we live near a nice market town they had a new campervan drove past our house to go on holiday in the campervan got to admit I tried a little less hard after that grandchild is now a teen and the last time she saw him she didn't recognise him

MsTSwift · 25/09/2022 06:55

We had similar. Dh parents professed to be excited about their first granddaughter but when she arrived just …..weren’t. We lived in London at the time they 2 hours away and remember the shock of finding they had come to London and bothered to visit Dd who was a baby and changing a lot. Dh and I found it quite upsetting that they didn’t seem that bothered about Dd.

16 years on my advice is let it go. Nothing you can do about someone else’s behaviour just how you respond to it. They are clueless benign rather distant grandparents not particularly close to our now teens but we all have a nice chat when we do occasionally meet up and and that’s fine - their choice.

MsTSwift · 25/09/2022 06:57

The classic was when they moved overseas for a few years as mil explained “there’s nothing to keep us in England”. Gee thanks!

sistersisterIDonotmissyou · 25/09/2022 07:05

My parents haven't seen my little one in 9 weeks. They live less than 10 minutes away.

ChocolateElephant · 25/09/2022 07:08

I'd think a bit in advance about Xmas etc. Yes we used to do xmas eve with one set of parents and day after boxing day with the other and rotate it round . Or sometimes around Xmas with one/nh with the other.

That's quite normal Ime. I wouldn't assume both sets of parents would want to come to you at the same time at all! And also be willing to drive.

Like pp I'd keep Xmas day for your little family going forwards.

theremustonlybeone · 25/09/2022 07:21

Drop the rope. His dad isn’t interested. The only person pushing to see them or visit is you.

focus on developing your child’s relationship with your parents .

InThatCaseCanIHaveARaise · 25/09/2022 07:23

Nobody has been snubbed. They might have wondered why your updates suddenly stopped. You and DH need to reinstate the updates, keep the lines of communication open and stop trying so hard. If you’re planning something, invite them but don’t overthink their responses and let DH deal with his parents if there’s an issue.

MintJulia · 25/09/2022 07:28

Annual leave is precious and some people wouldn't want to waste a day seeing a baby who won't remember them and might just sleep through the whole thing.

Some people find babies quite boring. To you, your baby is the most fabulous thing on the planet, to him, it's a baby who will be much more interesting in two or three years.

Beseen22 · 25/09/2022 07:41

Yep my parents are very disinterested in my children. Every time they do decide to make an effort its last minute and they go in the huff if I don't bend over backwards to make plans happen. Then there's always a fb post of their amazing grandchildren if they are ever together. My DF doesn't approve of DS biggest interest (Harry potter) so spends the entire time dismissing him when they are together. Other DS2 is severely speech delayed and won't make any attempt to talk out of the house and they tell everyone how 'well behaved and quiet' he is and compare him favourably to their friends kids who scream and shout all day long.

Penguinsaregreat · 25/09/2022 07:50

Take it from me, some grandparents do not care that much about grandchildren.
How good a dad was your fil to your dh? Did he get him ready alone and take him out for trips? Did he cook for him and play with him? Or did he leave it to dh’s mum? I think you’ll find your answer right there.
You seem to be falling into the same role as your dh’s mum in being the one instigation a relationship between the fil and his own family. I would stop trying to arrange contact. Leave it to your dh. If your fil really cares he will make the effort.

Bunnycat101 · 25/09/2022 07:51

I think you’ve been quite rude to them. Inviting your mother on the visit (even if it was DH) probably did upset them and then your message back after they said no was quite passive aggressive.

But… They see now being a bit petty though by not popping in and it will ultimately ruin the relationship with the baby if they continue to be jealous/disinterested. One of my good friends has exceptional helpful in-laws and her mum can’t stand it. She’s jealous, won’t be in the same room for things like birthdays and it has driven a massive wedge. They are now not close but really it’s her own behaviour that has caused it.

typingcake · 25/09/2022 07:53

That’s crappy OP. I know just how
much that hurts too… I’ll get a call from my parents on an evening to tell me they were in my city that day… for shopping or something and when I ask why they didn’t let me know they’ll say it was last minute and they know how busy I am… when my boy was little we ‘d just be local and jumping on a bus to meet them for a coffee in the city would have been fine… they couldn’t see how odd it was. I barely see them. They do all of my sisters childcare - she lives 3 doors up from them. They’ve not been to my house this year. They came once last year. Both my sisters haven’t been in my house since my boys first birthday in 2019. And they all live 30 miles away!

olympicsrock · 25/09/2022 07:55

Yes you have annoyed them by including your parents not once but twice. Most people would be really offended after traveling a long way to see child and new grandchild to have to share this precious time with the other grandparents.
inviting them to go with you was batshit. They feel that time with ‘just’ them is not valuable and are responding in kind that they can’t be bothered to see you. I suspect they just want their own holiday.

RuthW · 25/09/2022 08:00

He's a man probably in his 60's and probably not interested in babies. Your step mum prob isn't interested as it's not 'her' grandchild.

StrongCoffeeAvalanche · 25/09/2022 08:02

Your FIL was beyond rude, it's outrageous. To the point I'd be uncomfortable inviting either of them to the wedding.

If you don't feel that strongly just let DH deal with it.

So painful, but you've done nothing wrong and it's best just to let people go sometime I feel, before it affects your own mental health too much Sad

tenbob · 25/09/2022 08:03

RuthW · 25/09/2022 08:00

He's a man probably in his 60's and probably not interested in babies. Your step mum prob isn't interested as it's not 'her' grandchild.

Then why is he asking for ‘exclusive access’ and also insisting his wife has to be included for the entirety of any visit to their house?

sparechange · 25/09/2022 08:09

MsTSwift · 25/09/2022 06:55

We had similar. Dh parents professed to be excited about their first granddaughter but when she arrived just …..weren’t. We lived in London at the time they 2 hours away and remember the shock of finding they had come to London and bothered to visit Dd who was a baby and changing a lot. Dh and I found it quite upsetting that they didn’t seem that bothered about Dd.

16 years on my advice is let it go. Nothing you can do about someone else’s behaviour just how you respond to it. They are clueless benign rather distant grandparents not particularly close to our now teens but we all have a nice chat when we do occasionally meet up and and that’s fine - their choice.

Same here…

my dad and step mother got the train to London once a month to go out, and their train went through a station less than a mile from our house.

Not once did they get the train a bit earlier and arrange to come and see their GCs
Hell, even if they had suggested meeting at the Costa inside the station for 30 mins, it would have been something..!

Years later, we are NC with them

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/09/2022 08:09

You're totally overthinking this.

Your world revolves around your baby. Their's doesn't.

They were expected to just 'blend in' with your parents (assuming they don't know each other very well) rather than spend time getting to know you and your child.

What does your Dh think? This is all about you and feeling 'snubbed'.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/09/2022 08:11

it will ultimately ruin the relationship with the baby if they continue to be jealous/disinterested

Just to make it clear...

Not everyone likes babies!