Grandparent snubbed our baby?

[FTM2B1]

DH and I live about 300 miles away from our parents. Mine are up North while his dad and partner are in Wales. We had our first baby in May and both sets of grandparents were eager to visit. As we don't all get the chance to get together often we had their visits overlap by a few days, so each set had their own time with baby but we also got to spend time together too. It was a lovely visit which took place end June/early July.

My parents are retired and have since been down once a month for 4 or 5 days to visit with baby but also to help me out a bit. DHs dad and partner haven't been able to visit as much as they are younger and are both still working full time. In fact, they haven't been down since that first visit. DH and I were trying to arrange a visit to them next month for a week and DH had suggested my parents join for a few days again - we both have small families and just thought it'd be nice. DHs das wasnt keen on this idea and asked for "exclusive access" since they see less of us. I thought this was an odd way to phrase it but didn't think it unreasonable to ask so we agreed and said we'd come alone so they didn't need to share the visit with the other set of grandparents. Then DHs das said that a whole week didn't suit them as his partner didn't have annual leave and he didn't want her to be left out. So we said we'd do a long weekend visit and just entertain ourselves when they were working. They haven't spoken a word to us since we suggested this and have ignored any updates on baby to the point I've stopped sending anything for now.

This week, DH messaged me from work to say he had seen on facebook his dad and his partner were on a week long holiday an hour away from us. He messaged them in our group chat to confirm this and they said yes they were an hour away and were planning day trips all round about, one of which they had to drive past our city for and the other was at a seaside town 25 minutes away from us. We asked if we would see them during the visit and the response was simply "no we will not be visiting we needed some time for just us". I dont object to then having time to themselves to unwind but I csnt quite believe they'd travel nearly 300 miles for a holiday that takes them a stones throw from us and not arrange to see the baby. So I messaged back (main form of communication with these guys, they're not big on phone calls) saying the baby had changed a lot since they last saw her and that she was a lot more aware of her surroundings and it was a shame they'd come so far and weren't going to see her. I got no response and DHs dad left the group chat...

We haven't had a falling out prior to this and I'm really puzzled as to what's happened . If it were just me and DH I wouldn't really be too bothered but I'm really hurt that they'd almost go out of their way NOT to see the baby, especially after asking to see her more often. AIBU to be offended by this???

Then DHs das said that a whole week didn't suit them as his partner didn't have annual leave and he didn't want her to be left out.

That part is very telling also. Being left out. You're trying to arrange a visit for next month which isn't convenient for them, but you were/are just going to go ahead with it anyway, even though it means they won't get much quality time with the baby (after having suggested the other grandparents come along, who already get more quality time with the grandchild).

They're definitely annoyed, and that will be why they don't want to visit you now. Then you tried to guilt them in a group chat, which probably pissed them off even more.

Yes I can see how that would have upset them. It certainly wasn't what we were trying to do and it's a shame if that is the case that they couldn't have said that to us. The reason we suggested visiting over a weekend wasnt to force a visit but to try and work with the time they did have, rather than not see them at all.

Since the GF doesn't have annual leave, they technically won't have time off again together until her AL resets next year. Also my DH works a shift pattern in week blocks (early, mid,late, off) so it needs to fit in with when he is available too as it's difficult for him to swap weeks and he can't easily book AL.

Like rather than do all this would it not have been simpler to just tell us when it would suit to see us, or even just say "we are actually quite busy at the minute, will arrange something when we have time"? Or "we will be holidaying nearby but feel we need some time away as a couple, we won't see you this time" rather than say nothing and just post on Facebook? It seems petty and I'm confused by that.

I think a breezy let us know when it is convenient for us to visit you or for you to visit us message is all you can do for now

I can imagine most parents would absolutely hate visiting when the other set of parents are there.

It’s nice to see them but it completely changes the dynamic with a grandchild.

Maybe they felt a bit pushed out that the other parents were there.

At the end of the day, living hundreds of miles away is going to cause issues and not everyone can just drop everything to see their grandchild.

How often have you visited them since baby has been born?

DHs das wasn't keen on this idea and asked for "exclusive access" since they see less of us.

I understand this. DD1 and DSiL live an hour from me. His parents live in Wales - a 4 hour drive away. I live with just my partner, no other close family and DD2 lives 2 hours away. The Welsh family consists of DM, DH, three sisters and two cousins similar ages to My DGSs.

I am totally overwhelmed (jealous) when DDs inlaws are there so we no longer visit at the same time. DD is fine with me having 'exclusive' time with DGSs. ExH never visits at all which greatly upsets DD.

IME it works best to have family visits seperately.

Yes I think they have felt pushed out, but I think they could have communicated it better. That said, going forward we'll make sure to have time carved out just for them so they don't feel that way in the future. If they still don't seem keen, at least we'll have tried and we will leave the ball in their court.

We haven't been to see them or anyone else yet, people have been coming to us. The baby was in the NICU for a while after birth and I didn't have a straightforward recovery from the birth. It wasn't life or death but neither of us have been fit for such a long journey. The visit we were trying to arrange to them would have been the first one we made since baby was born.

Maybe they felt a bit pushed out that the other parents were there. This. 100%.

@sunshinesupermum would you do the same then? If you had to spend an evening with the in laws or it was suggested you saw them for a day or 2 would you avoid all attempts to have a solo visit, then travel 4 hours to the area your grandchild lived in and not see them? I mean do you think they actually are trying to make a point in doing that, as others have suggested? I'd hope not but maybe that is the case?

Do you, DH or your parents post on social media pictures or stories of your parents spending time with the baby? Because if you do, then that could be why DH's parents are posting about their holiday knowing you will see it.

FTM2B1 If DDs inlaws were visiting and I happened to be in the area I wouldn't visit. OTOH I don't live 4 hours away so not sure what I would do in that case.

I do think your inlaws were put out by the fact that they would be sharing precious time with your parents though but hope they weren't trying to make a point by purposely not coming to see you when they were only an hour away while on holiday.

DD feels obligated to her inlaws and extended family because they look after DGSs during most holidays as she and DSiL both work FT. Being on my own with an often sick partner ina small flat means I cannot offer the same so her inlaws see a lot more of DGSs. I find this very difficult but that's life.

I have a dynamic like that. Dsil dps always seem to get in first and are retired so are not so time constrained when it comes to my Dgc and seem to always get first dibs

I keep,quiet and try to see dgd as much as possible and look after her when asked

You seem very unaware that other people have feelings, like you think you have a baby so you are the only person with valid feelings. It seems clear to me that they had their noses pushed out of joint because despite your parents seeing the baby regularly, the time they get an option, it is suggested your parents come along as well! Why your DH suggested that I cannot fathom, so unnecessary.

Anyway it is his parents you need to leave him to it, I would not dream of sending my FIL a text like you sent.

There was nobody else here when DHs family were in the area. If they had stopped by or allowed us to meet them, they would have had "exclusive access" as they would have been the only relatives there.

@Aprilx I think he just thought family, even the one you marry into, meant... family? I find it a bit odd that so many people here are averse to seeing the in laws here and there? Although I do agree they need their own time too I don't think it's particularly strange to all see one another either.

What do the rest of you do on occasions like birthdays, Christmas etc with children? (I do understand ad hoc visits are different to occassions, but do you do it twice for each side of the family?

My family always did something together growing up, so did DHs. Or at least, everyone had the option to attend and of they couldnt theyd maybe arrange something else later. Then the "kids" grew up, moved away and we can't do it as often any more because we are mostly in different countries.

His parents and your parents aren't family to each other, though. That's the point.
You are seeing yourselves as the centre of the family, and they are all part of your family, which they are. But you are not the centre of their family. Your parents are not part of theirs, they are just their grandchild's other grandparents. Not friends. Not family.

I’ve been thinking about this. I don’t think it’s about making a point, I they’re hurt. I’m a grandparent and tried to put myself in their shoes (I lived abroad away from family, have never lived near my family since 1990) and in their situation, both visits being expected to share with the other grandparents that already get to visit far more often, I’d be hurt. More especially as one was a visit you were making to see them. It was a bizarre suggestion, whoever made it. Very thoughtless at best. That said my kids live (at most) 15 miles away, and I get on extremely well thankfully with their in laws. And if they’re hurt, maybe they just can’t communicate that to you, especially after you guilted your father in law on the group chat. Can you honestly not see it from that angle?

I don’t know about the rest of it but the thing about all having time together makes me think maybe they’re not keen on your parents. DD keeps arranging for us to do things with her in-laws, we just have nothing in common with them at all and find it all a bit uncomfortable. We do it because we’re polite but if we followed the ethos of a lot of mumsnetters we wouldn’t because some people just don’t spend time with people they don’t like.

I think you've snubbed them and they're hurt.

Parties etc is different.

Sorry.

Also they're not really that close to where you are.

I and my partner travelled to an hour away from my eldest for a long weekend break. We didn't arrange to see them because sit was our weekend away and seeing my child and their partner would have made it a family weekend not a break for us to reconnect which was what we needed.

When my first GC was born my DILs mother was like Queen B and I was definitely expected to share my visits but she got visits by herself. Once he was a typical 2 year old and DIL needed help her mother faded into the background and I did the free childcare. GS lives with me now.

I think your ILs are probably very upset as they feel you and your DH have made it clear they get less than your parents. You might not have meant it that way but when you say they could communicate better have you thought you might have communicated better as well? Which set of GPs got the first half of the visit, was it your parents and then the ILs joined you, if so I think that probably made it worse.

The harsh truth is they have 3 little ones in their lives already so if you've made them feel pushed out I think they will cope with that which is sad.

On the family thing I've got 4 children so should we get together with their ILs as 5 couples? Then some of them have other children who are married so should their other ILs come along as well? I mean how far does it go?

Just thinking of my granny with 12 children, what a fun get together of family if all the ILs got together. I don't think I met many of my cousins other GPs, I can only think of one.

Your thread title is laughably dramatic. They didn't snub your baby, they simply declined an invitation to visit as they wanted a holiday alone.

@Chikapu reading through all the replies, and having thought on it this afternoon, I'm inclined to agree with you. I wish gained this sense of perspective before I'd acted on my own emotions to be honest. I'm sure in the long run it can be put right as I've always got on well with DH's parents and over the years they've had a few oops moments themselves - suppose we all do at some point or another.

The baby is months old and neither knows nor cares that her grandfather is just up the road - and its not like this was the only time he'd ever be able to see her. When we do arrange to visit them or have them visit us, will make sure they don't have to share the time with anyone else.

@ancientgran to answer your question, DHs family had the first half of the visit and in fact the first visit out of anyone after baby was born. They were/maybe still are going to have the first visit from us now that baby and I are both well enough to travel.

A slightly different perspective.
25 miles is hardly "a stone's throw" away.

Probably a 2 hour round-trip, plus visiting time, & a whole day's holiday has gone.

I had this problem as a second wife. Ex DH had relatives all over the UK & I got sick of just "popping in" to see his rellies when we were on holiday, & therefore missing my leisure time.

DHs family had the first half of the visit that's good.