Grandparent snubbed our baby?

[FTM2B1]

DH and I live about 300 miles away from our parents. Mine are up North while his dad and partner are in Wales. We had our first baby in May and both sets of grandparents were eager to visit. As we don't all get the chance to get together often we had their visits overlap by a few days, so each set had their own time with baby but we also got to spend time together too. It was a lovely visit which took place end June/early July.

My parents are retired and have since been down once a month for 4 or 5 days to visit with baby but also to help me out a bit. DHs dad and partner haven't been able to visit as much as they are younger and are both still working full time. In fact, they haven't been down since that first visit. DH and I were trying to arrange a visit to them next month for a week and DH had suggested my parents join for a few days again - we both have small families and just thought it'd be nice. DHs das wasnt keen on this idea and asked for "exclusive access" since they see less of us. I thought this was an odd way to phrase it but didn't think it unreasonable to ask so we agreed and said we'd come alone so they didn't need to share the visit with the other set of grandparents. Then DHs das said that a whole week didn't suit them as his partner didn't have annual leave and he didn't want her to be left out. So we said we'd do a long weekend visit and just entertain ourselves when they were working. They haven't spoken a word to us since we suggested this and have ignored any updates on baby to the point I've stopped sending anything for now.

This week, DH messaged me from work to say he had seen on facebook his dad and his partner were on a week long holiday an hour away from us. He messaged them in our group chat to confirm this and they said yes they were an hour away and were planning day trips all round about, one of which they had to drive past our city for and the other was at a seaside town 25 minutes away from us. We asked if we would see them during the visit and the response was simply "no we will not be visiting we needed some time for just us". I dont object to then having time to themselves to unwind but I csnt quite believe they'd travel nearly 300 miles for a holiday that takes them a stones throw from us and not arrange to see the baby. So I messaged back (main form of communication with these guys, they're not big on phone calls) saying the baby had changed a lot since they last saw her and that she was a lot more aware of her surroundings and it was a shame they'd come so far and weren't going to see her. I got no response and DHs dad left the group chat...

We haven't had a falling out prior to this and I'm really puzzled as to what's happened . If it were just me and DH I wouldn't really be too bothered but I'm really hurt that they'd almost go out of their way NOT to see the baby, especially after asking to see her more often. AIBU to be offended by this???

I don't think they're feeling snubbed. I think they probably have their own lives and your baby isn't quite the huge deal to them that he is to you, especially as the partner isn't a blood relative. It seems likely to me that they enjoyed the visit but don't want to devote more time and frequently as you'd thought. Then when the suggestion of coming up with your parents was made, it sounded more like a family trip that just happened to be in their area and they felt free to wriggle out of the obligation to host because there would be others around. It was rather an odd idea from your DH - I love the sentiment but in the real world people don't put up with the other set of grandparents unless they're natural friends. It may have been a lovely visit before but as a nice one off with lots of social effort on both sides, not the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I suspect it's just more than they're willing to commit to and they've expressed it poorly. Your comments about the baby changing and it being a shame were understandable from your perspective but if they're not baby people and they are enjoying some couple time together, it could be a bit full on. I wouldn't necessarily assume they're upset, just that you may have different ideas of what being family looks like.

@Georgyporky 25 minutes not 25 miles but if you're just looking for a nice relaxing week away, it's still quite the detour to make when a lot of your holiday already involves driving for your planned trips. That said, if they had asked us to come to them we would have done.

I think they sound like selfish dicks. But not everyone is interested in their GC I guess. It’s a shame but ultimately their loss. You’ve been more than reasonable op - I’d mentally write them off now as having burned their bridges.

I think they are selfish petty arseholes and if i were you i would leave it be & i certainly wouldnt be going to them with baby. They knoe w where you live & huffy puffy fil can rejoin group chat when he grows up & puts his big boy pants on.

I think they're being petty and childish and possibly a bit vindictive. Either that or they really dont give a shit about your baby.

Ok you made a suggestion that upset them. But unless there is a huge backstory it comes across like it was a mistake rather than coming from a place of malice. I hardly think it's worth flouncing off from a whatsapp group for avoiding your youndlg grandchild for. They could have spoken to you about it or just tried to put it behind them, in the grand scheme of things.

I just think something very major, some kind of huge fallout with people saying things they couldnt take back, would have to happen before I made it clear I didn't give a shit about visiting close family when I was pretty much passing their house and hadn't seen them in a while

Bare in mind their reluctance if they suggest sacrificing your Christmas to appease them.
Presumably they know your address. Let them ask to visit. If not just get on with your life..

You are getting a bit of a hard time @FTM2B1 but I think a lot of posters are projecting!

You seem great, you don’t seem to have been unfair at all. My only advice is to try not to worry, often these things are more about them than you.

I don't think they cba. :-(

Exclusive access and leaving the group chat (which has your parents on?) says it all, really. They weren’t happy to share part of the visit, clearly. Did they feel pushed out?

@Brigante9 nope the group chat had FIL, his fiance, DH and myself. They set it up last year to send a merry Christmas message GIF to us (FIL and fiance each sent a Christmas GIF - not sure why but they were cute anyway) and we've used it on and off since.

Funny way for a father to carry on.

Can't he just talk to you instead of leaving group and acting childish.
Not the sort of action you would expect from a grown man.

If that's the way he acts then are you missing out on anything.

@FTM2B1 it’s shitty childish sulking behaviour to leave the group chat, he’s trying to make a statement.

So I messaged back (main form of communication with these guys, they're not big on phone calls) saying the baby had changed a lot since they last saw her and that she was a lot more aware of her surroundings and it was a shame they'd come so far and weren't going to see her. I got no response and DHs dad left the group chat... you were really rude. They told you no they needed time to themselves and you decided to have a go at them.

I agree this is how I feel about it

I would be furious with them OP.
They complain they want exclusive access and then when you happily agree they refuse. Then ignore you, leave the group chat and holiday right by you without wanting to visit their grandchild.

What a pair of drama queens. Obviously they aren't that bothered about seeing the baby. You are new parents who went through the stress of your tiny baby being in the NICU. As if you have the energy for their stupid games.

They should now be bottom of your priority list. No going out of your way to accommodate them. They want to see their grandchild? They are free to visit you on such and such date that is convenient for you. Otherwise you are busy/ have used your annual leave for the year/already made plans for Christmas, etc.

I would be polite to them and wouldn't fall out with them but I would distance myself. They aren't bothered about their grandchild. Their loss, not your child's.

@Viostep thank you - that was how I'd been feeling and its a bit of a comfort that someone else understands what my thought process was after everything that went on after baby was born.

I'll be keeping neutral from here on out and just letting DH handle chats/sorting plans for the foreseeable, although he's not best pleased about it either.

Hopefully this has just been a bout of bad communication on both sides and we can get back to business as usual soon enough.

Are you sure he deliberately left the group chat? Maybe he uninstalled WhatsApp or something.

Anyway on their side they sound quite petulant but on your side you can't expect everyone to be particularly interested in your baby. Even family. Babies can be extremely tedious and frustrating! If the previous visit revolved around the baby then they may have found it a bit much. If you do see them again it might be better to chat about things other than the baby, see if you can make it similar to before when you used to get on well.

@SnackSizeRaisin it was a Facebook messenger chat so he definitely left it, it takes a few clicks.
Yes I think that might have been part of the issue, the last visit he seemed a little unsure of what to do with her. His fiance bought a book for him to read to her and he literally said "now? Why?" when she gave it to him. I used to think babies were boring before I had my own so I can understand to a certain extent. That's actually why when I messaged him I mentioned she was more aware of things going on around her - she can interact more and is a bit more fun. But that's my opinion, others still might not find her that fun - one of her newer skills is blowing excellent bubbles but really I'm just saying "she drools everywhere". Not the joy to others that it is to me I'm sure...

I don't understand why so many people are blaming DH inviting your parents as a reason for inlaws going NC with you all. It was made clear that you wouldn't invite your parents before you suggested the week and then the long weekend to include FILs girlfriend. You made a few suggestions trying to work around traveling with an infant, your DHs schedule and theirs. I would leave it up to them and your DH to figure out what went wrong and how to get past it. They are too old to not just tell you how they feel, whether it's an aversion to babies, issues in their marriage, or something else. Time to just enjoy your baby and not worry about anyone else.

I think that you have tried with you fil and his partner. The reality is that you wanted time to recover and for the baby to get bigger before you went to them.
Your husband suggested that you meet in your Fil house and that your parents could come also to the area. Your FIL or his partner did not like this and came off a group chat because of this.
Your fil was in your general area on holidays and you found this out after you saw their posts on FB. They made no effort to ring you and ask could they call to see you all.
I know you might feel like mentioning what happened to them but it could cause an argument or a fall out. Let your DH stay in contact with them and any time you're talking to them be nice.
At the moment they are working full time and your own parents have retired and live locally.
When your FIL retires and your child is a bit older he might like to be more involved then.

I would stay at home at Christmas as well rather then giving up Xmas day to suit the grandparents. As your child get older they will want to play with toys, ride their new bike ect rather than be stuck in a car or in a house with grandparents.

I only have so much energy for small babies that aren't my own literal children, and even then.

That's actually why when I messaged him I mentioned she was more aware of things going on around her - she can interact more and is a bit more fun. But that's my opinion, others still might not find her that fun - one of her newer skills is blowing excellent bubbles but really I'm just saying "she drools everywhere". Not the joy to others that it is to me I'm sure...

Yeah, I think you need to remember that before you had her, you found babies boring. At that point you presumably wouldn’t have found “but she can do great spit bubbles now!” a fantastic justification for a visit, and it sounds like they’re there now. It might be a bit rubbish because they’re family but OTOH they’re not obliged to feel as you do about your baby.

I'd be upset if family members went on holiday virtually on my doorstep and didn't want to visit especially GPs not coming to see GC. Not to mention all the other stuff OP's mentioned. I'd leave them to it.

I'd also cut new parents of a 4 month old some slack - they probably are obsessed with their baby and may say or do what others perceive the wrong thing or tone. I'm sure I did at that stage

Yes we celebrate occasions twice. Once for each side of the family.

Both sides get on well enough, but you can’t relax properly when you have to make small talk with people you wouldn’t necessarily choose to spend time with.

I think they’ve been petty but your message to them about the baby changing and what a shame AFTER they said they couldn’t see you was just plain weird and you’ve pissed them off.

For what it’s worth I think your DHs suggestion that your parents accompany you on a visit to see them was also really strange.