Grandparent snubbed our baby?

[FTM2B1]

DH and I live about 300 miles away from our parents. Mine are up North while his dad and partner are in Wales. We had our first baby in May and both sets of grandparents were eager to visit. As we don't all get the chance to get together often we had their visits overlap by a few days, so each set had their own time with baby but we also got to spend time together too. It was a lovely visit which took place end June/early July.

My parents are retired and have since been down once a month for 4 or 5 days to visit with baby but also to help me out a bit. DHs dad and partner haven't been able to visit as much as they are younger and are both still working full time. In fact, they haven't been down since that first visit. DH and I were trying to arrange a visit to them next month for a week and DH had suggested my parents join for a few days again - we both have small families and just thought it'd be nice. DHs das wasnt keen on this idea and asked for "exclusive access" since they see less of us. I thought this was an odd way to phrase it but didn't think it unreasonable to ask so we agreed and said we'd come alone so they didn't need to share the visit with the other set of grandparents. Then DHs das said that a whole week didn't suit them as his partner didn't have annual leave and he didn't want her to be left out. So we said we'd do a long weekend visit and just entertain ourselves when they were working. They haven't spoken a word to us since we suggested this and have ignored any updates on baby to the point I've stopped sending anything for now.

This week, DH messaged me from work to say he had seen on facebook his dad and his partner were on a week long holiday an hour away from us. He messaged them in our group chat to confirm this and they said yes they were an hour away and were planning day trips all round about, one of which they had to drive past our city for and the other was at a seaside town 25 minutes away from us. We asked if we would see them during the visit and the response was simply "no we will not be visiting we needed some time for just us". I dont object to then having time to themselves to unwind but I csnt quite believe they'd travel nearly 300 miles for a holiday that takes them a stones throw from us and not arrange to see the baby. So I messaged back (main form of communication with these guys, they're not big on phone calls) saying the baby had changed a lot since they last saw her and that she was a lot more aware of her surroundings and it was a shame they'd come so far and weren't going to see her. I got no response and DHs dad left the group chat...

We haven't had a falling out prior to this and I'm really puzzled as to what's happened . If it were just me and DH I wouldn't really be too bothered but I'm really hurt that they'd almost go out of their way NOT to see the baby, especially after asking to see her more often. AIBU to be offended by this???

They just don't sound that interested.

I would stop the joint grandparents invitation - visiting at the same time. This would piss me off as well. As they work full time, their spare time is automatically more precious and TBH don't want to spend it with your parents

Yeah I'm tapping out and leaving it to DH to make plans with them from here out, and we have also agreed separate visits for the grandparents.

They've been in touch again via a new group chat they've set up to see how we all are. I sent an update with some baby photos since they'd set up the new group and I didn't want to not respond. DH asked how the rest of their holiday was, they've said it was lovely and theyre sad its over. FIL contacted DH separately to say he could meet him half way between our cities but wouldn't be able to arrange any sort of family visit until 2023 because his fiance can't take time off until her annual leave resets and she can't be left out... I'm not going to rock the boat again so I'm just leaving DH to make arrangements round that as he sees fit. Not my circus, not my monkeys springs to mind.

I think you're right to be upset by the holiday close-by with no mention, clearly there is something going on which DH should try and get to the bottom of (yes, as a PP said, some people aren't that into small babies, but the majority of the population would accept that it's different when it's your grandchild - though a sub-set of mumsnetters seem to believe that as soon as a child turns 18 their parents owe them and any subsequent grandchildren nothing, not even the time of day).

But as and when (hopefully) communication and visits do resume I think you should sanity check your expectations because what you are describing sounds to me like A LOT - we also have a set of grandparents the other end of the country, they are keen and involved and none of us would want to see each other once a month for 4-5 days. Overlapping visits with both sets of grandparents also sounds like not everyone's cup of tea - for us grandparents overlap at birthdays but that's it. We also wouldn't want to, or dream of, going to visit the grandparents for a whole week - we've found four nights to be ideal all round for a longer trip and do two nights more often to preserve annual leave. Like me, they may think what you're proposing is a bit much but feel awkward about communicating that

I wonder if this is a 'wife work' issue.

DH's partner appears to be refusing to do the heavy lifting for DH's dad.

Presumably they have babies/family in her family she keeps up with/goes to see, but quite rightly, she isn't taking on this as well as it isn't really her family.

I think it was quite telling that he said he didn't want you to come for a week when she wasn't off because he didn't want her to feel left out. This is really code for, 'I can't be bothered to do this by myself'. If he had wanted to spend time with the baby, he would have said 'x is working but that gives me extra time for cuddles'.

Don't fall into the same trap. Leave it to DH to sort out access to his family. Its not your job. Women are socialized to automatically become PA's for their lazy husbands. Just drop the rope and leave them to it. If they end up having a shit/no relationship with your baby, its down to DH and his dad.

Sorry @FTM2B1 , I cross posted with you (I'm a slow typer!) and
"DH's partner appears to be refusing to do the heavy lifting for DH's dad".
was supposed to read
"DH's dad's partner appears to be refusing to do the heavy lifting for DH's dad"

I think both parties are being a bit unreasonable.

It sounds like they can't meet your expectations. Maybe they feel overwhelmed by the thought of spending time together for more than 1 day. I work FT and popping in for a cuppa seems much more achievable than spending multiple days with people. I think they shouldve taken a detour on their trip and just popped over for a bit... but would you have suggested they spend every day of their holiday with you? I think they find it a bit full on. To suggest 1 full week together is a lot so maybe they thought they'd end up spending their whole trip with you and would've struggled to say no if you had asked.

They might also feel a bit monitored. They're having to justify their precious time off because they probably know they should be seeing their GC, even though they might not want to. This adds pressure and probably causes withdrawal. You also don't seem to take no for an answer. They said no, and you replied with a guilt trip, what were you hoping to gain from that? Did you think they would say oh fine, we will visit then! You're just forcing things at that point and they would've seen it as an obligation.

But I see why you're annoyed as it hurts when people aren't interested in your baby. You've suggested a lot of alternatives and they've wriggled out of them, so it is time to let it go. It sounds like your parents love being in your baby's life so I'd try and focus on that.

This. I was about to type exactly the same thing.

By “this” I meant the poster who mentioned the wife work.

If it were me, I'd stop messaging because they're clearly not interested. Just leave them to it. Arrange events with your parents only. Don't think about being fair and sending out invites, because they don't want it. I realise it's very hurtful for.your husband, he'll have to deal with it, not let it fester and pay them no attention.

He sounds like my dad, he couldn't possibly visit without his wife 🙄 when I had my first 6 years ago I asked him that the visit to be just be him... He didn't talk to me for 3 months and stayed for just a few hrs, he lives 2.5 hrs away. I had my second 4 months ago and he couldn't find the time to visit so i packed both my children in the car and went to see him when my youngest was 8 weeks old. We have haven't seen him since and I've gone very LC. Honestly it's his loss. Some people are just not that interested and so self involved. It makes me sad as my ILs are the complete opposite.
Try not to let it bother you too much.

If you want to attempt to resolve this, you will have to put your hurt to one side. I can imagine your fil was pretty offended. Your parents are retired and can see your baby any time they choose yet still your dh thought it appropriate they tag along for a visit.

As a parent of a teen myself, you perhaps do not yet have a concept of the acts of love and sacrifice parents go through for their children. Your fil and fiancée are acting out of upset at the lack of recognition. By wanting others to join what should be a very personal visit, from their view, you told them they aren’t that important and they’ve taken the hint. The damage was done the moment you introduced the pecking order for all too often the dil’s parents are favoured. Even if you didn’t mean it to come across that way, you’ve done exactly this.

If you want to resolve this quickly, the only way forward is to wholly own up to that mistake. You love them both very much and are terribly sorry that they were offended. They are very important and not less so than your parents and needed in your child’s life. You got carried away and misjudged a situation. So perhaps you could set up a time to visit in the near future.

You FiL sounds pathetic. Stop responding to his messages with updates on a whatsapp chat and let him do some of the work. You sound too nice and willing to accept whatever dregs he gives. Your DC is worth more than that

PIL live close enough for an easy visit- they don’t. They are good time grandparents- nice days out, birthday and Christmas. If it’s no effort to them then it’s good. I don’t bother to communicate much now, their loss. We’ve never done anything to stop communication. I’m not sure what relationship they want with our children

Yes, this. I don’t do wife work with dhs family.

Not everyone is in to babies, but this is FIL’s own son that he can’t be bothered to see. Either his partner is a FOMO sulker or he’s lazy and needs her to do all the work. Definitely best to leave it all to DH.

If that were the explanation, why ask for "exclusive access"?

Sadly some grandparents are just not interested in their grandchildren.

MIL hasn’t made any effort to be in DS’ life since he was 18 months old - he turns 3 next month.

She lives 5 minutes away, with SIL and her two boys, provided free childcare for them constantly when they were young but has no interest in DS. (It’s not about childcare, DS goes to nursery and DH and I both work compressed hours and have very flexible working and great bosses to cover illness or any shortfalls)

She’s become very selfish and “this is my time now”

I know it upsets DH but he just says it’s who she is. He hates the unfairness of the situation as she was so involved with DN’s but has barely seen our DS in 18 months, other than bumping into him when we’ve been out - she literally walked passed us once with a wave.

it makes me livid and so upset for DS but you can’t let this consume you. They’re the ones missing out Your child has your parents who sound involved and if your IL’s are going to be like this, it’s best you find out now rather than when your child is old enough to understand that nanny and grandad don’t care.

My MIL is no longer invited to Christmas or birthdays and when she comes crawling back when the latest man she’s having an affair with dumps her, neither I or DS will welcome her back with open arms.

You just need to get used to it. ILs live in a different country. FIL is so disinterested in DC I’m not sure he would recognise them in the street if they passed him. We spent 2 weeks in an apartment 5 minutes from their house in the summer. He joined us for 20 minutes on the first day and dinner on the last evening. So less than 3 hours in 2 weeks. MIL claims she likes to see the DGC but in reality she just wants them in her house with the tv on (in a language they don’t understand). There is zero interaction despite my best efforts to bring inclusive games etc that will cross the language barrier. She refuses to come with us on almost every day trip. I’ve stopped wasting energy caring.

They sound awful and manipulative. I would be as low-contact with them as possible.

I would be really hurt op.

In my experience you have to let people get on with it. Maybe there is a reason, maybe there isn't. Enjoy your baby, surround yourself with lovely friends and spend time with your family. I would stop bothering with them in your position and let them come to you.

I agree with @Viostep

How old are they, OP? If they’re roughly the age I think they are, some in that generation are unbelievably self-centred.

My PIL live 400 miles away in a fairly hard to get to part of the country. we live in London. Our son just turned 3; they haven’t seen him since he was 3 months old because they clearly CBA and expect us to come to them.

COMPLETELY self-absorbed.

This.

Our parents live a few hours away, in different directions and we would never invite them at the same time as they don’t get to visit very often and it would totally change the dynamics. They’re both part of our family but they aren’t each other’s family. They’ve only met a couple of times in the 20+ years we’ve been together, including at our wedding, and got on and had a lovely time, but that doesn’t mean they’d want this to be a regular thing. So as someone in this position, I find many of these replies surprising.

The term ‘exclusive’ is a little odd but putting that aside there is nothing wrong with wanting quality time with their grandchild without the other grandparents there.

Your parents coming down once a month for 4 or 5 days to help out is really good of them - that’s more than many grandparents would do. So they get to see your DC plenty. I can totally understand why the in-laws want time with their grandchild without the other GP there.

Your suggestion of a long weekend due to their commitments was reasonable but it sounds like they were put out by the suggestion of the other GP joining them and possibly your (you/DH) initial reaction to their response.

Also, they’re entitled to have a holiday which doesn’t involve seeing family. The baby is the centre of your world but grandchildren aren’t the centre of the world for all grandparents (for some, yes). I understand you being upset though.

Distance does throw up issues as pp have said. My parents expect us to do most of the visiting because I chose to move away from home. And that’s fine - they visit once a year at most.

Regarding Christmas and birthdays, we used to alternate going to one set of parents for Christmas one year, and the other set the next Christmas before having DC, and we carried on for a couple of years after having them but stopped the travelling when they were toddlers for various reasons. We now have Christmas with just our small family and it’s wonderful. We visit our DP early in December instead.

I just can’t get my head around the OP and DH engaging in all this navel gazing and chat and twisting yourselves in pretzels.

You have a new baby, spend your weekends together as a family just enjoying your time together doing your own thing. I could understand if you thought your child was missing out on something… but they aren’t.

and leave your inlaws alone. If they want to visit, they will suggest. Don’t make them feel guilty, don’t create shadows

OP, you mentioned in your first post that your FIL and his fiancee are younger than your retired parents – maybe part of the issue of them not wanting to be involved is they feel too young to be grandparents?! It's not unheard of that some people in their 40s/50s to baulk at the idea as it makes them feel old before their time.

Sorry if missed but did the op clarify whether she and family have visited either hers or her inlaws once since her baby attained?