Worrying about social services

[kiteing]

This will be long, I don't need to go into too much detail but it will be long regardless!

So I left H a year ago with my 3 dcs (1 to H) and moved into my mums house. For the last year I have been sharing a double bed with 2 out of 3 of my children and we have been homeless. Finally been accepted for a house through a housing association but it's not ready yet.

Anyway when I left H, I went straight into private therapy. From there my therapist urged me to contact my local women's aid as they can help with things like housing. So I did and they wrote me a supporting letter to send to my local council and I started having telephone sessions twice a week with them too. During this time, things with H got quite bad and I told them about a few horrible messages he sent to me. My WA worker told me to inform the police in order to try get a non molestation order against him. I did this and the police came over however the took no action due to not enough evidence and basically it wasn't bad enough. They advised me to block H and call the police again if he tries to contact me. I did this and H left me alone completely. I unblocked him a few weeks later as it was affecting our son and wanted to trial contact.

From contacting the police, social services were involved as a precaution - what they always do. They called me and were absolutely lovely. They also called my sons pre school to check if there were any concerns which there wasn't so the case was closed and I haven't heard from them since.

I was then discharged from WA however they were going to refer my daughter (not H child) from some therapy in school as I had mentioned she suffers with low self esteem.

It's been 9 months now since I unblocked H. Like me, he has been in therapy for a year and continues to do so. He had a problem with gambling which he has now stopped and has a fair amount of mow by saved up in the hope to purchase a property with his friend. He is like a different person. Here's where I have to say he was never violent to me, never even shouted at me (except in text form when angry when I left) I left because I felt like I was walking on egg shells and I couldn't cope with the gambling anymore. My own mental health wasn't great and he wasn't there for me at all. He did in fact make it worse so I knew I had to leave him for mine and my children's sake. When I left, he was devastated and had a mental breakdown. The nasty texts were sent in this time and it was a horrible period to look back on.

We are still separated and have no plans to get back together however we want to remain close in each others lives. He really seems to have turned a new lead and I am learning I can rely on him for things. My therapist is helping me with this, she is very pleased at the outcome of H and how he is making a conscious effort to turn his life around. The police rang me not too long ago to ask how things were and I told them how H had been and again, they were very pleased and the case was completely closed with no action taken.

2/3 nights a week, I take 2 of the kids and we go and stay at our old family home. H is there but this is purely to get a good nights sleep. I'm sure you can imagine sleeping in a double bed with 2 children isn't great and the lack of sleep sometimes gets to us. My daughter is 11 and just stared year 6 so I'm really conscious that she gets a good night sleep. H sleeps on the sofa. My eldest child stays with my mum at her house.

We also still do the odd family day out. H has 2 children from previous who I always have and always will be very close too. They still class me as step mum and all our children get so well and think of each other as full siblings. It's very hard to stop all that and it's really nice we can still do it. We went on holiday in the summer as it was booked before I left - my family also came and we had a lovely to holiday (slept in separate accommodation) but it was nice we could still do those things.

This is what I'm worried about - finally I'll get to the point! The therapy that women's aid starts next week for my daughter in school. While my daughter is aware that me and H aren't together and that our new home is purely for me and the kids, I'm worried she may say she still sees H regularly and sleeps at his home. The last time I spoke to WA, I had called the police on him and although no action was taken, I'm so worried that social services may get involved if they think my children are still around what they thought could be a dangerous man?

Like I say, H really has put so much effort into turning his life around. I would never allow my children to be around him if I thought he would be a danger but I'm worried WA may not see it this way. I have no intentions of starting up my marriage again and neither has he. He's viewing houses out of the city we live in to start a new life which I think will be great for him. We both know that when my house is ready, our contact will probably drop and we will become more co-parents but right now, H feels so bad and guilty about everything, he is doing everything he can to make things easier for me and the kids until we are sorted which hopefully won't be much longer.

Sorry I'm rambling - would you say I had anything to worry about?

Your daughter who is starting the therapy is your daughter, not your husband’s ? Is she scared of him at, worried about staying at his house? Was she ok on the holiday with him?
I think if you’re honest with her school, point out your new house is purely for you and the children, your ex and you intend to co parent I don’t see what they can find fault with.
He has proof of therapy, your therapist approves of your set-up. If he has tried and changed his gambling addiction, good on him as addictions are really hard to ditch. I hope all goes well for you — you know the warning signs so if he ever starts to falter you know what to do.

Well yes, you can imagine how that will look, can't you?

No she is not my husbands. She has no issues with him, she never had as he never shouted at her. She asks to go and stay with him when her step siblings are there, I don't think she is anyway scared of him or worried to be around him. I wouldn't let him around her if I did. She classes him as her step dad and H has said he will always class her as his step daughter even though we aren't together. My therapist has said it's actually a positive for our children to see and should be viewed as that but it equally leaves me feeling uneasy too.

From the outside yes - that's why I'm asking.

I’m sorry, your situation sounds really tough.

But I can also see why people might question whether you’re making choices that might harm your children (and you).

There must have been something in the horrible messages to suggest he could be dangerous. What reasoning was put on the housing application supported by women's aid. They'll be the facts they look at not really what you say things are like now. They look at things with a healthy scepticism but also the chronology.
If you are worried what your daughter may say in therapy it suggests that there is a likelihood they would at least look at things. Children tend to see and hear things that we don't know they are aware of.
If neither of these apply then I don't see what you have to worry about.

So all these charities and professionals help you and your kids are in counselling due to this man you hop off on holiday with him and have days out 🙄. Yeah looks really bad.

Yes absolutely I can too. My children are my world and I have very little support. To add to it, my eldest has additional needs so has all sorts of appointments. I have had to rely on H to help with childcare (school run mainly) when I have an appointment as I just have no one else. My mum works and cannot have time off. H is self employed so can help me out. I have no other family. My eldest 2 children's father left me and loved to the other side of the county.

Again, my therapist says that this is ok. He can help me, he is my children's father and it ok to rely on him for support. I obviously speak to her weekly so she's seen the full story unfold and actually has a lot of praise for H now.

Abuse isn’t just shouting or violence.

I was also with a gambler, so there’s financial abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, lying…

And he has two other children himself? Everyone seems to be in therapy? Sounds an absolute mess. Poor kids.

No you have that wrong. I had therapy because of my mental health which I have issues with due to abuse form my past - not with H. I had therapy and continue to have therapy for this when I left H.

Our family home is rented through Hs best friend. I couldn't stay and ask H to leave because that house is on the market to be sold. We were supposed to buy it ourselves but couldn't, i couldn't buy it myself so the best thing I could of done is to leave. My therapist told me to contact woman's aid as a way to help me with housing and that's what they did though I did have sessions with them also. My daughters low self esteem comes from not having her own father in her life. She never had a bad relationship with H. If she did, I wouldn't let her around him now! Its a new service they have set up for children with low self esteem. I had an appointment with her worker months ago who is aware she is aware she has never been around any violence/arguing etc.

But I can appreciate it looks bad on the outside

Just out of interest what sort of therapist? Psychodynamic, psychotherapist, counsellor?

Social services are used as a tool on here to make posters feel shit but they're not to be feared.

The very best for adults is that when they have problems, they can have support and be self motivated to develop and sustain positive change and come out the other side

The very best thing for children is that they experience the most positive and safest relationship with their parents that they can

If things have become different and positive and safe then this is what counts, this is what is important. What the two of you need are contingency plans and agreements with each other in terms of what would I do if xxx or what would you do if xxxx. This is an agreement to ensure the children's safety and ensure the right support if things get difficult, or theres a bad day or someone makes a mistake. This reduces the risk of things spiralling out of control either with regard to MH or gambling or other issues, what are the coping strategies you both employ to manage difficult times

Change can and does happen and when it does its amazing for children to experience their parents in a different context and have good relationships with them but also see that they can get along, that is so valuable for children

Probably someone who did a 10 week course and now calls themselves a therapist. It’s frightening how unregulated they are.

H is in therapy due to his dads suicide and being brought up by who he thought was his mother only to find out 4 years ago she wasn't. His dads suicide was 6 months later. That's where the gambling came in. It's been a shit few years for both of us. Tired my very best to help him but ultimately it's only him that can get help and I'm pleased that he finally is despite it being the end to our marriage. Trauma is an understatement.

I meant to add Im talking from the perspective of SSD, that is the whole aim of the work, to achieve those sorts of outcomes

Mine is a counsellor. Close to retirement and has been worked for 36 (I think) years. No idea about Hs.

Counsellors can use any number of models and therapy types as well though

The key thing, has it made a difference, what is different now. I wouldnt get too hung up on this if things are working for you and you are learning skills and tools that enable you to move forward on your own once the intervention ends, thats where some counselling/therapy falls down because it can create an overreliance.

I wouldn't stay over at his for two nights. I think that's poor form.

Couldn't H move out for a couple of nights and let you guys sleep over?

What you describe sounds very much like a relationship - holidaying together, living together two days a week and describing him as 'a changed man' all sound dubious.

You have had lots of help and support and are so lucky to get a HA home after only a year. Don't jeopardise it for a man who is an addict who you fled from just 12 months ago.

He doesn't have any family so I would feel bad asking him to do that in his own home. He wouldn't have anywhere to go. He also has his house mate there too so I never really thought of it as a dangerous situation - I've never thought of him as being dangerous.

The holidays I do get. They didn't feel right to me but all 5 of our children we're desperate to go and my family were also going and wanted us all to be together though they now accept our marriage is over. My family don't have a bad word to say about H. He's still very close to my mother and classed her as his own mum (his past is horrific) It's all just very confusing. I've done many posts on here about him before and and they all used to say he needed my support and I had to be there for him. I really did try but my mental health also failed in the process.

On the contrary you'd be surprised at how much they would be pleased that two adults are having therapy and seeking to come to arrangements. At most they would check the kids are happy, well looked after etc. Happens a lot and even in family courts they recommended courses and mediation , anger management etc. It's really not bad but asking here expect some will be all dramatic and make it look worse without ever experiencing or having knowledge about how it all works. It's parents at war and dragging their kids in it that is dangerous. Good luck

I don’t think you should worry about social services no, but I don’t think it’s healthy sleeping in the same house as him and spending so much time together, that must be confusing for the kids.

@Sunflowerkeep thank you. This is what I keep thinking. My kids are very much loved and very well cared for by both myself and their dad/step dad. They have never witnessed violence if any form, shouting....because it never happened. They are obviously well fed and we'll looked after. They have hobbies, lots of friends and are genuinely well behaved and happy children. My eldest son has additional needs and I he is absolutely everything, I fight my hardest for him to ensure he has all the right care in place.

I've said about my daughter but I can recognise issues in myself in her which I wanted to try help her with. That and issues with her own father.

My issues in therapy is basically that I am a high sensitive person. I put everyone before myself and will often not recognise my own boundaries. Im still in therapy as well as working with a women's charity fling courses on mindfulness and self esteem. I have another 10 week course coming up and I can't wait! I'm so proud of myself. It comes from my relationship with my father. However it hasn't stopped me from being a good mother.

I will always hold my hands up and say I've made mistakes. I don't regret the relationship with H. I have an amazing son with him who we both love so much. I have a great relationship with my step children. My step daughter is 17 and I will always have a relationship with her. She will always have a bed at my new home whenever she wants ti come and stay.

As for H - I can't fault his the journey of his recovery for his past. He will have a long way to go but the effort he's making to turn his life around shouldn't be faulted.

So the upshot is that Woman’s Aid helped you to get a HA property, which is presumably shiny and new as it’s not quite ready.

And now that’s sorted, your partner has miraculously turned over a new leaf.

How very timely and convenient.