Worrying about social services

[kiteing]

This will be long, I don't need to go into too much detail but it will be long regardless!

So I left H a year ago with my 3 dcs (1 to H) and moved into my mums house. For the last year I have been sharing a double bed with 2 out of 3 of my children and we have been homeless. Finally been accepted for a house through a housing association but it's not ready yet.

Anyway when I left H, I went straight into private therapy. From there my therapist urged me to contact my local women's aid as they can help with things like housing. So I did and they wrote me a supporting letter to send to my local council and I started having telephone sessions twice a week with them too. During this time, things with H got quite bad and I told them about a few horrible messages he sent to me. My WA worker told me to inform the police in order to try get a non molestation order against him. I did this and the police came over however the took no action due to not enough evidence and basically it wasn't bad enough. They advised me to block H and call the police again if he tries to contact me. I did this and H left me alone completely. I unblocked him a few weeks later as it was affecting our son and wanted to trial contact.

From contacting the police, social services were involved as a precaution - what they always do. They called me and were absolutely lovely. They also called my sons pre school to check if there were any concerns which there wasn't so the case was closed and I haven't heard from them since.

I was then discharged from WA however they were going to refer my daughter (not H child) from some therapy in school as I had mentioned she suffers with low self esteem.

It's been 9 months now since I unblocked H. Like me, he has been in therapy for a year and continues to do so. He had a problem with gambling which he has now stopped and has a fair amount of mow by saved up in the hope to purchase a property with his friend. He is like a different person. Here's where I have to say he was never violent to me, never even shouted at me (except in text form when angry when I left) I left because I felt like I was walking on egg shells and I couldn't cope with the gambling anymore. My own mental health wasn't great and he wasn't there for me at all. He did in fact make it worse so I knew I had to leave him for mine and my children's sake. When I left, he was devastated and had a mental breakdown. The nasty texts were sent in this time and it was a horrible period to look back on.

We are still separated and have no plans to get back together however we want to remain close in each others lives. He really seems to have turned a new lead and I am learning I can rely on him for things. My therapist is helping me with this, she is very pleased at the outcome of H and how he is making a conscious effort to turn his life around. The police rang me not too long ago to ask how things were and I told them how H had been and again, they were very pleased and the case was completely closed with no action taken.

2/3 nights a week, I take 2 of the kids and we go and stay at our old family home. H is there but this is purely to get a good nights sleep. I'm sure you can imagine sleeping in a double bed with 2 children isn't great and the lack of sleep sometimes gets to us. My daughter is 11 and just stared year 6 so I'm really conscious that she gets a good night sleep. H sleeps on the sofa. My eldest child stays with my mum at her house.

We also still do the odd family day out. H has 2 children from previous who I always have and always will be very close too. They still class me as step mum and all our children get so well and think of each other as full siblings. It's very hard to stop all that and it's really nice we can still do it. We went on holiday in the summer as it was booked before I left - my family also came and we had a lovely to holiday (slept in separate accommodation) but it was nice we could still do those things.

This is what I'm worried about - finally I'll get to the point! The therapy that women's aid starts next week for my daughter in school. While my daughter is aware that me and H aren't together and that our new home is purely for me and the kids, I'm worried she may say she still sees H regularly and sleeps at his home. The last time I spoke to WA, I had called the police on him and although no action was taken, I'm so worried that social services may get involved if they think my children are still around what they thought could be a dangerous man?

Like I say, H really has put so much effort into turning his life around. I would never allow my children to be around him if I thought he would be a danger but I'm worried WA may not see it this way. I have no intentions of starting up my marriage again and neither has he. He's viewing houses out of the city we live in to start a new life which I think will be great for him. We both know that when my house is ready, our contact will probably drop and we will become more co-parents but right now, H feels so bad and guilty about everything, he is doing everything he can to make things easier for me and the kids until we are sorted which hopefully won't be much longer.

Sorry I'm rambling - would you say I had anything to worry about?

You've nothing to worry about. The authorities including family courts where they see worse unless it's really dangerous physical abuse, sexual , neglect encourage therapy, courses for parents , even anger management. You are doing so much to show improvement and that's what they see.

When SS closed the case did they give you any instructions? Did they say you and H had to remain no contact? If not, I can't see how they would be concerned. For what it's worth though, reading into your post it does sound like you still have feelings. You've gone a long way into explaining how he's changed and how helpful he is now. I can't comment on that really but I will say if SS do get in touch they'll probably question you staying over etc as it's not the norm. It really is best to be totally honest with them.

Yes. Assessments are based on how to mitigate and reduce risk and introduce opportunities to ensure that needs are met. Its very likely that your children will have difficulty with things that have happened in the past and its right they are getting support.
But families are not perfect, people are not perfect and people have vulnerabilities to manage. Thats why you need to be honest and explore how to move forward, put in contingencies and protections between you both about when there are difficult times so that those vulnerabilities are supported.

Oh no I'm not trying to hide anything! I've said it as it is.

I've already said if my daughter says anything that makes her therapist think then that's for me to sort. My daughter comes first - when I spoke to them today the first thing they asked was if I still wanted to go ahead with the therapy (as we've been waiting months) and I said yes without hesitating because it's for my daughter. If I was more worried about myself then I would of said no so at least give me some credit!

I can't imagine my daughter would have anything bad to say about H if she says anything at all. She's never witnessed anything distressing (as I keep saying) and has always enjoyed spending time with him - especially when his children are there too.

What's got me thinking is when I was discharged from WA - that was at a time 9 months ago when myself and H were not speaking. They do not know anything else that has happened since then - I could even reach out to my WA worker to explain my concern.

There wasn't even a case open to be honest. It was just a phone call and they called my sons pre school and that was that. They didn't say anything about what myself and H should or shouldn't do in regards to anything. They just basically said when I was ready to start contact again then it was to be on my terms. If H had a problem with that then he could go down the court route for access to our son. That's all that was said. They were just there as the police passed my details on to see if they could help in anyway. No concerns over my child.

I do still hold a great deal of love for him and I always will. You have to remember we've been through his dads suicide and finding out his mother was not his actual birth mother. The trauma was unreal and none of this was H fault. I tried my very best to get him through but ultimately it became too much for me to take and I would never go back. But equally it doesn't mean I can't say I am incredibly proud of the hard work he's put into himself. There's nothing wrong with me saying that. As I am equally proud of the hard work I've put into myself too!

Yes I would be completely honest with them if they were to contact me. I understand it's not the norm but neither is myself and 2 of my children not able to get proper sleep. It's awful. My eldest has his own room at my mums with him having additional needs and obviously no more room in the double bed. He sleeps on a mattress on in my mums office which is the 3rd bedroom. He sleeps in the double bed when we are not here.

H was absolutely distraught when I told him they were involved in the first place. I'm sure he would co operate also.

What do you mean that OP would be 'questioned' about staying over because its not the norm?

@kiteing if they've gave you no instructions you've nothing to worry about. They said contact could be on your terms. It is. Unless your daughter is hearing or seeing things between you that are worrying, the counsellor has nothing to pass on.

Children's Services were always encouraging me to do things together with my ex. They seem to think it is a good thing. If there's no current issue with you ex then I don't think Children's Services will be bothered at all.

@bellac11 That they may ask if they are in a relationship again.

@anonymousobserver you are disgusting! An absolute insult to any parent of a child with additional needs.

I have been through hell and back with my son. At the age of 3 I was told her would never be able to speak, read it write. He can now do all those things, he's the most kindest child you could ever wish to meet unlike the absolute bike human you are. He goes to a specialist school which I had to move house just to get him a place as spaces are so limited. He is amazing and its people like you I want him to avoid.

You have no idea! I work 30 hours a week and do my very best to provide for my children.

If, if they come out to complete an C+F assessment they will take some basics, household, ages, school, health, relationship status, wheres the father, hows that relationship before looking at all the deeper matters of the children's needs

Whether OP stays over or not is simply part of how they manage their relationship, whether its a romantic relationship or not is somewhat irrelevant in whether their children are safe, happy, needs met.

As I said there is a lack of knowledge about the types of relationships SWs come into contact with and how people live. Sometimes those relationships might be problematic, sometimes they're not. Thats what is assessed. A huge number of families often have changes within their relationship over the years, its not always ideal but its not always problematic unless the children's needs are not being met or they are being harmed.

It sounds very confusing to me as an adult.
, nevermind how confused the kids must be. And not a great way to role model boundaries.

Having said that, if you can prove the kids are doing okay, I don't think SS would go any further.

I know what you meant. I think there is a vagueness about what actually happened that prompted twice weekly WA phone sessions following therapy and a WA supportive letter, potential non mol. Also when children's services became involved there was no contact with H at all and mother seeking assistance of supportive services. Etc.

Nine months is short for all to be hunky dory but OP seems reassured now that all is well so doesn't seem worried.

We all come from different professions walks of life and experiences and I think this post resonates with people.
WA is less likely to buy into man's capacity to change imo
OP might benefit from a family group conference bringing everyone around the children including H to develop their own plan should he relapse with gambling or return to whatever was the issue that caused OP to move out. Ultimately she shouldn't worry if CS get involved as it is a positive

@bellac11 I really want to thank you for all the advice you have given me this evening. I have always known social services are nothing to be feared - I guess it's just myself expecting the absolute worst outcome and losing my children! Clearly not ready for my therapy to end anytime soon!

I’m really confused why womens aid were involved with no domestic abuse? Prior to the texts I mean.

i work with abuse victims and perpetrators and, with the greatest respect, your writing has red flags all over it and this would raise my senses for sure. I could be wrong though.

perps can definitely change but there’s no fucking way on earth we would encourage the victim to begin any kind of relationship with the perp.

i don’t think social services will do a lot though so you don’t have to worry about that

You see this is where my therapist tells me the opposite.

She sees 2 parents who are showing their kids that grown ups can suffer and struggle and that's ok. She says what we're showing our children is actually good - 2 parents who can get along, that can work on themselves, be there for each other, help each other when needed despite going through rough patches.

Yet Mumsnet sees the negative in that so 🤷🏻‍♀️

All I know is give me this type of relationship with my children's father anyday over a father that is either non existent in a child's life or a toxic relationship between mum and dad where the children are dragged into the middle. This is what we don't have.

Oh yes, of course! Autism doesn't exist we somehow manage to get our DC diagnosed with this imaginary condition just so we can rake in the benefits!

But you were involved with a woman’s domestic violence charity because of his behaviour and the children and you require counselling because of him? But now it’s all fine and “nothing to see here”? I do find it all confusing yes.

Hey op, sorry if I missed this - whT work has your H done specifically to address his abusive behaviour towards you? That's the question I would be curious about if I were you. If he has stopped gambling, good for him, it of course has a knock on effect on his behaviour. But it isn't the cause- which is essentially a sense of entitlement to power and control. Has he addressed his abusive behaviour specifically? Sought groups for perpetrators etc? If he is as open and remorseful as you describe, I would expect him to be open to this support if he hasn't done it already. If he isn't, I would take what he says with a hefty pinch of salt

It's my local women's aid type charity- it's not women's aid. I don't want to give the name of the charity as it will reveal my location so I've been using it on here as Woman's aid. They work with women who have been in domestic abusive relationships but also deal with things like homelessness and the end of relationships as a whole and also relationships with children hence why my daughter was involved.

I will apologise here as I have been referring to it as woman's aid but what I wrote was my local woman's aid....should of said local woman's aid type charity!

As I said, it was my therapist who said I should contact them regarding homelessness. They can also help me with things like furniture and white goods if needed (I don't need those) but they cover a range of things.

The letter they wrote to my local council stated that my marriage had broken down and I was living with at my mothers house with a disabled child. That's more what the focus was on. I had to do the same with my GP to get a letter from them too.

Unless he is a risk to you or your children then no it's fine.
My sister is a social worker and they don't like to stop contact with families unless necessary.
If he's done nothing physically wrong for them to question their safety it will be ok. You wouldn't put them at risk I'm sure.

He goes to weekly therapy, takes meds, goes to a suicide support group as well as a men's talking group. That's all he does as far as I am aware.

However taking what he says with a pinch of salt is irrelevant as if he does go back down hill that is on him. He won't be dragging me down with him as we no longer have a romantic relationship. I hope to God he doesn't but it's all on him. I do however want the best for him and there's nothing wrong with that. He has apologised for what he put me through - mainly the gambling. He never even gambled much, we were never ever short of money. The issue was he was gambling to cover the pain he was feeling and it took over his life sadly.

My therapist has been encouraging me to let him help me with things, let him pick the kids up from school if I can't, let him come and make the kids tea if I'm struggling with my eldest.

Yet the advice on here is very conflicting so this whole post has probably been a mistake.

No he's never laid a finger on any of us, never got angry. We never argued so the kids have witnessed anything. I'd never put them in danger and my family would also stand up and say that he is great around the kids and has been working hard on himself. It just all went completely tits up for a few weeks when we separated. Thank you for that.

There is also a common misconception that I see a lot on here but also parents want us to 'tell' them whether they can 'continue a relationship' or stop contact or not

SWs dont 'instruct' anyone, we might raise our concerns that a child is being put at risk, exposed to someone unsafe or a parent is continuing a relationship with someone who is unsafe. A parent will be informed of what the outcome might be if that continues, there might be a child protection plan, it might lead to legal proceedings but throughout all this it is the parents choice as to who they liaise with, what friends they have, what relationships they have. Parents need to show they can make the correct decisions themselves. They need to take ownership and responsibility for that decision.

Ive worked with so many parents that say 'you told me to split up with him' - no I didnt, I explained what would happen if you werent able to show that you can prioritise their needs and protect them. I think its easier for parents to use the Sw as an excuse sometimes to do something they feel uncomfortable with.