Worrying about social services

[kiteing]

This will be long, I don't need to go into too much detail but it will be long regardless!

So I left H a year ago with my 3 dcs (1 to H) and moved into my mums house. For the last year I have been sharing a double bed with 2 out of 3 of my children and we have been homeless. Finally been accepted for a house through a housing association but it's not ready yet.

Anyway when I left H, I went straight into private therapy. From there my therapist urged me to contact my local women's aid as they can help with things like housing. So I did and they wrote me a supporting letter to send to my local council and I started having telephone sessions twice a week with them too. During this time, things with H got quite bad and I told them about a few horrible messages he sent to me. My WA worker told me to inform the police in order to try get a non molestation order against him. I did this and the police came over however the took no action due to not enough evidence and basically it wasn't bad enough. They advised me to block H and call the police again if he tries to contact me. I did this and H left me alone completely. I unblocked him a few weeks later as it was affecting our son and wanted to trial contact.

From contacting the police, social services were involved as a precaution - what they always do. They called me and were absolutely lovely. They also called my sons pre school to check if there were any concerns which there wasn't so the case was closed and I haven't heard from them since.

I was then discharged from WA however they were going to refer my daughter (not H child) from some therapy in school as I had mentioned she suffers with low self esteem.

It's been 9 months now since I unblocked H. Like me, he has been in therapy for a year and continues to do so. He had a problem with gambling which he has now stopped and has a fair amount of mow by saved up in the hope to purchase a property with his friend. He is like a different person. Here's where I have to say he was never violent to me, never even shouted at me (except in text form when angry when I left) I left because I felt like I was walking on egg shells and I couldn't cope with the gambling anymore. My own mental health wasn't great and he wasn't there for me at all. He did in fact make it worse so I knew I had to leave him for mine and my children's sake. When I left, he was devastated and had a mental breakdown. The nasty texts were sent in this time and it was a horrible period to look back on.

We are still separated and have no plans to get back together however we want to remain close in each others lives. He really seems to have turned a new lead and I am learning I can rely on him for things. My therapist is helping me with this, she is very pleased at the outcome of H and how he is making a conscious effort to turn his life around. The police rang me not too long ago to ask how things were and I told them how H had been and again, they were very pleased and the case was completely closed with no action taken.

2/3 nights a week, I take 2 of the kids and we go and stay at our old family home. H is there but this is purely to get a good nights sleep. I'm sure you can imagine sleeping in a double bed with 2 children isn't great and the lack of sleep sometimes gets to us. My daughter is 11 and just stared year 6 so I'm really conscious that she gets a good night sleep. H sleeps on the sofa. My eldest child stays with my mum at her house.

We also still do the odd family day out. H has 2 children from previous who I always have and always will be very close too. They still class me as step mum and all our children get so well and think of each other as full siblings. It's very hard to stop all that and it's really nice we can still do it. We went on holiday in the summer as it was booked before I left - my family also came and we had a lovely to holiday (slept in separate accommodation) but it was nice we could still do those things.

This is what I'm worried about - finally I'll get to the point! The therapy that women's aid starts next week for my daughter in school. While my daughter is aware that me and H aren't together and that our new home is purely for me and the kids, I'm worried she may say she still sees H regularly and sleeps at his home. The last time I spoke to WA, I had called the police on him and although no action was taken, I'm so worried that social services may get involved if they think my children are still around what they thought could be a dangerous man?

Like I say, H really has put so much effort into turning his life around. I would never allow my children to be around him if I thought he would be a danger but I'm worried WA may not see it this way. I have no intentions of starting up my marriage again and neither has he. He's viewing houses out of the city we live in to start a new life which I think will be great for him. We both know that when my house is ready, our contact will probably drop and we will become more co-parents but right now, H feels so bad and guilty about everything, he is doing everything he can to make things easier for me and the kids until we are sorted which hopefully won't be much longer.

Sorry I'm rambling - would you say I had anything to worry about?

Well that changes the emphasis of what you post somewhat in terms of risk. WA is a very specific DA related charity, works with the police, delivers training and education and runs refuges. The culture of which would not support man's capacity to change.

You might think that you've been clear enough.

Addicts can play the long game if the stakes and potential rewards are high enough. They can say all the right things, do the right things, really, truly appear to be utterly committed to change and fully accepting that somebody has made a decision that's right for them and not enabling the addict. They can say 'Oh, no, not for me, that's in the past now' multiple times so you think that they really have conquered it.

And then they get an even bigger buzz - the buzz they've been chasing ever since the first taste/win/hit.

But you're defending him on here. When he's threatened you, demanded your money and found out that didn't work anymore. There's a chance that he is just carrying out the biggest gamble so far and if he realises it isn't working (even though the way you write about him suggests that it absolutely is), he'll go straight back to abuse and threats again.

So you're gambling, too. Gambling with your children's emotions, with yours, with how Social Services might see it. On the offchance that he's the one in 10 that doesn't relapse within the first twelve months. Or the even lower number that don't in two, three or five years. Or ten, twenty or thirty. Because you'll never be able to be 100% certain if tomorrow is the day where it all falls apart again and he'll be demanding money off you or your children.

To be blunt, the odds aren't good. But that's never stopped a gambler before.

Okay so with your explanation of the women’s aid issue I would say you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

as friendly advice I would knock the overnights on the head if you’re not wanting to get back together as from what I gather he was very upset when you left and this could be triggering for him if you have no romantic intentions.

if there is or was abuse when you were in the relationship and you are too worried to say on here I completely understand, in which case take all the help from all the services they offer if your daughter discloses something. Social services aren’t to be feared, it’s just that some children need that advocate

Would you say it would be a good idea to give my worker a call and explain that I am slightly worried that something may come up as a red flag? Explain the situation? Obviously if social services had concerns than I would follow every piece of advice given to me.

To be honest, judging from this thread I'll be making a lot of changes from this moment on anyway...

If you're not actively working with them then its not really relevant. People are allowed to get on with their lives!

If you are worried that the historical relationship may have a hangover in terms of damage to the children, the priority is to ensure that the same patterns are not repeated and that the children have support to process and manage their previous experiences, that isnt just about him as their father thats also about you and your parenting at times of difficulty

If you think that you need support to navigate through that you can refer yourself ask for early help intervention but if I only go on what you have said here (and I appreciate that you are unlikely to have said everything neutrally) then there isnt a need for service involvement.

As I said this is the wrong site for asking this sort of question.

I don’t see what the issue is?

he isn’t verbally or physically abusive; you are in therapy due to your own issues; he looks after the children well..

worst case scenario, you tell the social worker you were both going through the motions of a split and emotions were high. Only of course, if this is the case.

@NeverDropYourMooncup yes but I don't want a relationship with him. This is not the issue here, this is not what my thread was about.

You are talking about his gambling like that will determine wether we have a romantic relationship again. He could be free of gambling for the next 10 years (which would be great for him!) but I would never go back to him romantically.

I do however need a lot of support and people
I can rely on around me and my children. I have 1 person and that is my mum who does enough for us. If H really wants to be another person who is really there for us (right now it seems sincere enough) then I need to learn to take that with open arms. Being a single mum to 3 kids, 1 with additional needs is challenging to say the least therapy has shown me I need to ask for help. I need to accept help and I am not a burden on anyone else. I am trying to navigate all this as best as I can. If shit it's the fan with him and he goes down hill then I'll do it alone with one less person to rely on. And that's purely all it will be - 1 less person to rely on and ask for help.

At the end of the day, you and only you are in control of your life and choices.
It sounds like you are minimising a lot of things that happened to need require this level of support.
Either way your counsellor can't give you advice or tell what to do.
Why don't you take the onus off all these other professionals and take stock of your own choices.
Social services won't care if you can show your priorities are keeping your kids safe and not restarting a relationship with a man that caused you seek all this help.

Just get on and do what's best for you and your children.

Yes I haven't spoken to them for months.

Oh I can see that now 🤦🏻‍♀️ thanks for your help, much appreciated!

Please teach us more about our misconceptions and we can amaze you further with our bizarre statements.
You're talking flowery nonsense. SWs instruct SWs co-ordinate I.e tell agencies and parents what they must do. CIN plans and CP plans have instructions in them. The latter it can be an 'or else' situation. And it's an oppressive imbalanced power environment so don't pretend it's not an instruction.

Thank you, I just cannot wait to get into my house. I am scared due to the location and it been quite a rough area but the house will be mine for myself and my kids to make new memories! We are over the worst now, just the last hurdle to go where I may have made some mistakes along the way. I'll hold my hands up - but my kids have been loved and well cared for throughout and will continue to do so

If he isn't abusive, then why did the police take an interest?

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. The reality is that people rarely make a huge change and stick with it 100%.

I'm left wondering if your renewing entwinement is really in either yours or the dc's best interests.

I am concerned that your counsellor sounds like they have said some quite inappropriate things.

There wasn't abuse as in physical, shouting, name calling etc. I felt like I was walking on egg shells around him a lot of the time but in therapy I've realised that my own childhood has contributed to that massively. Half the time I probably didn't need too. However equally I realise that's a form of abuse. I found it very difficult to be around someone who has had so much trauma happen to them in such a short space of time. He never would take it out of me, he would gamble and go a bit grumpy every now and then but for a long time I'd think 'I don't blame him after everything'

Our marriage didn't stand a chance after all that. It was an incredibly scary thing to do - leave. I knew he would hit rock bottom and he did. Equally he had too to realise he needed help to deal with things.

I can't remember a time where the kids would of ever even heard an argument - it just didn't happen.

Erm because I called 101? And 2 days later they sent an officer over who sat with me, had a cup of tea, looked through my phone at the messages and said while he could see I was upset, he didn't really have the grounds to do anything about it. He could see H was in a bad place. He took many details, asked me many questions and then went away to double check he was correct that he couldn't do anything by speaking to his Sargent. He then called me back the next day and said his boss also agreed. He said the best thing I could to was send H and clear message that I didn't want to be contacted and then block him. If H ignored this message and tried to contact me through another channel, or via a 3rd party then the police could then do something on grounds of harassment. This is the advice I followed and H left me alone completely, just sending the odd message to my mum asking how our son was. The police rang me back months later to check how things were, they were pleased with the outcome and closed the report completely. The police never contacted H at all.

That's a point!

Something just doesn't add up here.

At the time you left, you must have felt strongly about it. I don't believe you chose to leave to live in such a difficult situation without a good reason. You talk about the feeling of "walking on eggshells" around your ex.

But now everything has changed and nothing similar could happen again?

If there is no history of abuse, there is no reason that social services will care about your sleepovers. But something about it is making you worry.

I left because of my own mental health. I went to H and told him I wasn't in a good place but he wasn't supportive. He told me he couldn't deal with it and I couldn't go to him about it so I left. Straight to my mum who called the gp and I was put straight on meds. I couldn't stay with him, if he couldn't support me then I had to leave. I'd spent years supporting him after everything but he wasn't there for me in the slightest when I needed him. He didn't even shout then but I was very hurt by his words. I desperately needed help, I was suffering from what's known as carers burnout with psychosis. I was very unwell and started therapy a few days later. Therapy made me realise that I couldn't go back, i couldn't carry on constantly caring for everyone the was I was and it was time to work on myself. My marriage wasn't allowing me to do that, it was emotionally draining and a very sad place to be.

Hence why I would never go back - I'm pleased he is getting the help etc but that's nothing to do with me now and I'm free of a lot of things

I have also not for a second said nothing similar could happen again. I have sat and wondered what it would be like to try again, even with my therapist but it's something I just can't do. I will not risk my own self development over my marriage - it has a lot of co dependancy. I've said it wouldn't happen again because our relationship romantically is over and neither of us wasn't to return as we were unhappy.

People are reading this thread in the wrong way or just automatically agreeing with the comments and I am just repeating myself.

You seem to be giving an awful
lot of headspace to someone you are supposedly over and see no future with. To the casual reader you obviously fancy him and want to get back together.

No I had to explain the full story yet as usual on Mumsnet, the thread has drifted onto something else which is deemed more important - in this case it's my feelings for my husband rather than what my thread was about - my children.

All i wanted to know was that if my daughter mentions anything about H to her therapist, could this be a red flag and it looks like the simple answer could be yes.

I'll hold my hands up and fully admit I've made mistakes here but at no point have my children ever been at risk

I work in Childrens Services and I would imagine you could be offered some support - but at level 3 which is voluntary and is very much aimed at helping

I work in children’s services and am also a DV survivor.

a) if your LA is anything like mine, you’ll be on a “list” for a long while yet - any concerns raised by school/police/GP/anyone and you’ll be right at the top again

b) where are your boundaries? So much talk about “my therapist says” and so much blather about “it’s best for the children for the changed man to be working together with me as a co-parent. Co-sleeping, staying at his house, going on holiday.

Have you yet sat down and asked “wtf do I want?”.

Right now you’re still running around saying the right things to the therapist (they’re there to make you talk, not to say “you’re being ducking ludicrous”), saying the right things to your ex.

Have you done the freedom program yet? You need to figure out what you want and put some boundaries in place.

I don’t have all the answers, but what I do know is that the second he gets a new girlfriend all this maturity/sleeping over and co-parenting is going to go to shit.

There will be no “united front” when you’re in the spare room and he’s banging his new gf on the sofa!

I don't really agree with that. I have definitely had SWs tell me to not allow my DC around certain people.

When I'm in the spare room? My new home is hopefully 2 weeks from being ready. When I'm in my home and my children are able to have a proper nights sleep in their own rooms - when my son with additional needs finally has his own bedroom again where he has his own space - i won't need to be sleeping in anyone's spare room!

No I've not heard of the freedom programme, it's not something that's been mentioned to me so far. I will look into it.

What do I want - to be content! To have a content life with my kids. That's what I want. I have the chance to advance in my career - id love that too when we are more settled but it's one thing at a time. At the moment I can't focus on that until we are more settled. Im really enjoying working with a women's charity where I've done many courses and have a new one coming up. More tattoos - I've had 8 in the last year and I find them to be a way of healing from my past. That's what I want.

If your DH does relapse into his addiction again, I think you need to consider the effect that will have on your DC. You seem to think it will have no effect as you are not romantically involved, but that isn't really the case.