Worrying about social services

[kiteing]

This will be long, I don't need to go into too much detail but it will be long regardless!

So I left H a year ago with my 3 dcs (1 to H) and moved into my mums house. For the last year I have been sharing a double bed with 2 out of 3 of my children and we have been homeless. Finally been accepted for a house through a housing association but it's not ready yet.

Anyway when I left H, I went straight into private therapy. From there my therapist urged me to contact my local women's aid as they can help with things like housing. So I did and they wrote me a supporting letter to send to my local council and I started having telephone sessions twice a week with them too. During this time, things with H got quite bad and I told them about a few horrible messages he sent to me. My WA worker told me to inform the police in order to try get a non molestation order against him. I did this and the police came over however the took no action due to not enough evidence and basically it wasn't bad enough. They advised me to block H and call the police again if he tries to contact me. I did this and H left me alone completely. I unblocked him a few weeks later as it was affecting our son and wanted to trial contact.

From contacting the police, social services were involved as a precaution - what they always do. They called me and were absolutely lovely. They also called my sons pre school to check if there were any concerns which there wasn't so the case was closed and I haven't heard from them since.

I was then discharged from WA however they were going to refer my daughter (not H child) from some therapy in school as I had mentioned she suffers with low self esteem.

It's been 9 months now since I unblocked H. Like me, he has been in therapy for a year and continues to do so. He had a problem with gambling which he has now stopped and has a fair amount of mow by saved up in the hope to purchase a property with his friend. He is like a different person. Here's where I have to say he was never violent to me, never even shouted at me (except in text form when angry when I left) I left because I felt like I was walking on egg shells and I couldn't cope with the gambling anymore. My own mental health wasn't great and he wasn't there for me at all. He did in fact make it worse so I knew I had to leave him for mine and my children's sake. When I left, he was devastated and had a mental breakdown. The nasty texts were sent in this time and it was a horrible period to look back on.

We are still separated and have no plans to get back together however we want to remain close in each others lives. He really seems to have turned a new lead and I am learning I can rely on him for things. My therapist is helping me with this, she is very pleased at the outcome of H and how he is making a conscious effort to turn his life around. The police rang me not too long ago to ask how things were and I told them how H had been and again, they were very pleased and the case was completely closed with no action taken.

2/3 nights a week, I take 2 of the kids and we go and stay at our old family home. H is there but this is purely to get a good nights sleep. I'm sure you can imagine sleeping in a double bed with 2 children isn't great and the lack of sleep sometimes gets to us. My daughter is 11 and just stared year 6 so I'm really conscious that she gets a good night sleep. H sleeps on the sofa. My eldest child stays with my mum at her house.

We also still do the odd family day out. H has 2 children from previous who I always have and always will be very close too. They still class me as step mum and all our children get so well and think of each other as full siblings. It's very hard to stop all that and it's really nice we can still do it. We went on holiday in the summer as it was booked before I left - my family also came and we had a lovely to holiday (slept in separate accommodation) but it was nice we could still do those things.

This is what I'm worried about - finally I'll get to the point! The therapy that women's aid starts next week for my daughter in school. While my daughter is aware that me and H aren't together and that our new home is purely for me and the kids, I'm worried she may say she still sees H regularly and sleeps at his home. The last time I spoke to WA, I had called the police on him and although no action was taken, I'm so worried that social services may get involved if they think my children are still around what they thought could be a dangerous man?

Like I say, H really has put so much effort into turning his life around. I would never allow my children to be around him if I thought he would be a danger but I'm worried WA may not see it this way. I have no intentions of starting up my marriage again and neither has he. He's viewing houses out of the city we live in to start a new life which I think will be great for him. We both know that when my house is ready, our contact will probably drop and we will become more co-parents but right now, H feels so bad and guilty about everything, he is doing everything he can to make things easier for me and the kids until we are sorted which hopefully won't be much longer.

Sorry I'm rambling - would you say I had anything to worry about?

I agree. But honestly we are pretty desperate. I tried sleeping on the sofa but my youngest now has to have an adult sleeping with him as that's all he's used too. He will scream and scream which then means my daughter can't get any sleep. I spend most nights just wide awake. There's no room for another bed/mattress to make on the floor as all our stuff is piled up in boxes. I have no idea how we've slept like this the last year. My son has definitely had a growth spurt as there's much less room in the bed now. I don't put him in pjs as he gets way too warm stuck between myself and my daughter.

I'm hoping we will be in the new house in the next couple of weeks and then our fresh start really starts.

Myself and H are both aware it's not great for the kids. My daughter understands. Our son seems to be ok. Tonight we are at my mums and he hasn't asked for his dad. We did try just our son staying with his dad but he leaves for work too early - 5.30am so it just doesn't work.

No it's not shines and new at all. It's actually been occupied by a family who haven't looked after it so it's having work done to it. It's down a very 'dodgy' if you like street. The windows have all had to be replaced due to having bricks thrown through it and I'm having cctv fitted by the housing association as a precaution. Police are down the street regularly due anti social behaviour. Our house backs on to a park which just 2 nights ago the fire brigade had to be called out due to a fire caused by youths which set the back of what will be my fence on fire.

Don't always assume. I am grateful I have a home to go too but equally petrified.

It doesnt have to be bad for the kids, it doesnt have to be confusing its how things are explained to them

Kids value their parents having a good relationship, its important to them.

Im amazed and disappointed by some of these comments, it shows a complete lack of understanding of the work that we do for families to achieve these sorts of outcomes, huge resources are pumped into hoping to achieve these outcomes, ideally this would occur far more often.

The key is to sustaining this change, for both of you, there will be ups and downs along the way, its normal and mustnt be seen with panic but thats why you have to have your contigencies and toolkits

What were the horrible messages that led to you contacting the police?

During this time, things with H got quite bad and I told them about a few horrible messages he sent to me.

I can't make up my mind whether YABU or not. Exactly how bad were these messages?

Gambling can be a long term plan as well. Stay away from the apps or bookies for a few months (or hide it better), make all the right noises, be really helpful and supportive, get to move back into a new place, then there are the savings to allow really big bets.

There's risk involved, missing out on a few sure thing bets, feeling a bit down but having to hide it - but if that gamble pays off, he gets to have everything he wants and goes back to his old habits.

Left a relationship because it was bad enough to seek a non-molestation order. Now minimising how that relationship was 'well he never hit me'
Minimising the impact of his behaviour.
Failing to model healthy relationship boundaries for your children by pretty much continuing to present yourselves aa a united front for about 50% of the week.

It's not healthy by any stretch.

It was at the time I told him our marriage was over for good. Basically that he hated me and that he would make sure our son knew why we were not together anymore when he was older. I had some money in my savings that I needed to return to him 'or else'.

He accused me of having someone else when I didn't. Women's aid took that as emotional manipulation.

Women's aid said the term 'or else' a threat and that's what I needed to call the police over.

The police pretty much said it was no where near bad enough to do anything and I should usury block contact for a while which is what I did.

I just followed the advice I was given. I have not said I wanted a non molestation order. Even my therapist said that was going a bit too far. And it was as the police didn't take any action due to it not being severe enough and not seeing myself or the kids under any potential danger.

He's not moving in though? Have I not been clear enough? He's looking at properties to buy with his friend to get them both on the property ladder.

This is actually really sad that people are so negative at someone who is really actively trying to change. I doubt very much he would of saved the thousands he has if he was still secretly gambling. He is doing this alone now. We used to have a joint bank account which I removed my name off. If anything, he would be gambling like there was no tomorrow because he can. But he isn't.

He will not be moving into my home. Our marriage is over however it doesn't mean I don't want the best for him and would like a good relationship with him for the sake of our children. Like someone below said, is it not the outcome that most want for the sake of everyone involved?

So, so confusing for your kids. Stop making up excuses for staying with him for part of the week. If he's such a good person and dad, why can't his kid or the daughter of yours that likes him so much stay with him two nights a week and you stay in your own bed at your house? You obviously want to get back with him, so if you think he's changed and it's all fine just do it. I wouldn't.

Because as I've already said....he leaves for work at 5.30 and I'd rather not let my 3 year old alone in a house with my 11 year old daughter.

'A few horrible messages' wouldn't be grounds for WA to advise you to seek a non mol, they are notoriously hard to get. I suspect you are minimising what really went on. Your poor kids being shunted all over the place, no wonder they are unsettled.

Honestly it seems like you both went through a very traumatic period in your relationship which led to the breakdown of your marriage, but you both seem to have rebuilt the relationship into something very positive. The children are happy although in therapy for other things, you both are also seeking help so I don't see why anyone would see this negatively. Your family is also involved in holidays and seem supportive of the co-parenting relationship as well. It just seems like one of those situations that really need to be explained out.

Exactly. I think you're doing a wonderful job. Moving around must be tough but it's enabling your kids to have a relationship with their father/step father.

You've all been through so much and showing your children that you can work together and parent together after a tough time which is such a valuable lesson for them.

Honestly no I'm not. They took the message of I have someone else as emotional manipulation- basically to make me reply to him. They took the 'or else' as a threat. He was in a very very bad place and WA feared it could get worse. My WA worker said it was beginning to follow a pattern of what she usually sees and could predict an outcome pretty much.

If I was minimising, the police would of gone something but they didnt. They had no grounds to do anything. They wouldn't even give him a caution. They read all the messages on my phone from when I left him - as I've said they just advised that I block him for a while and see what he does. He did nothing and left me alone. Just sent the odd message to my mum to ask how our son was. My family were mortified I called them in the first place.

It sounds like you've used WA to your advantage, doing enough of what they say to get a HA house sorted out at a time when you and your h need to look for a house anyways and now you're worried your plan has backfired on you a bit.

If you are truly separated then they need a relationship with him independently, you don't need to be there for contact time.

I suspect that the minute the house gets sorted it will all be back to happy families again though.

I hope your daughter attends the therapy appointments and speaks completely freely about anything and everything. I hope it helps her.

You may never be told what she says. You seem quite clear there's no problem currently and social workers were lovely last time, if that's the case why worry.

If there was more risk around the time when you were walking on eggshells and he sent horrible texts than you've said then you may have more to worry about.

This is the wrong place OP to ask for balanced views about situations like this. Social Services is not to be feared, they may want to assess and you need to be honest with them but as I said to ensure you have planned things out and set out your expecations with each other

Your children obviously will need time and space to digest issues from their past, things that confused them or upset them as well as whatever else is going on for them but theres nothing wrong with them seeing their parents get on or their living arrangements. I think some people on this site have very limited understanding of the different ways that people live and relationships they have.

@Madamecastafiore thank you. This is what my therapist says. We are showing the children that 2 people can separate for whatever reason but still have an awful lot of respect for each other. We are showing them that we can still be friends - a family unit in some ways as our kids are too close to each other to separate them completely.

I couldn't predict a year ago where we would be now. But I never for a million years imagined us both working on ourselves as much as we had. I wish the best for H as he does for me. Surely that's better than having absolutely no respect for each other and making the kids lives hell as what's seen on here on a daily basis.

No our marriage is over. I have come too far now and worked on myself way too much. I have my plan for me and my kids and that doesn't involve H. However it doesn't mean we cannot get along and have a good relationship 👍🏻 it's sad that people see this as a negative

Theres no rules about how children have contact with their parents and who needs to be there.

Theres also nothing wrong in healing a relationship and it getting back on track again, they might not want this and it might not happen or it might, neither is right or wrong.

Amazing what bizarre views people have.

Oh she will be attending! I've told her about it this evening and she's excited she gets to miss pe for the next 3 weeks - takes after her mother!

I won't ask her anything unless she wants to speak to me. If she does say something that makes her therapist think then that's on me to deal with. I just am the one living this story and I know I'd never put my children in any sort of danger. Can't wait to get onto the next chapter!

Thank you - can I just ask if you work in social services?

Your DD should be free to tell her counsellor whatever she chooses and if this leads to the involvement of SS you should be glad that they have your DC's interests at heart.

Or are you afraid she will "rat you out" and expose things you would rather them not know?

If it is all above board and your DC's are happy then you have nothing to worry about but your concern about them getting involved sounds like you are trying to hide the situation.