Worrying about social services

[kiteing]

This will be long, I don't need to go into too much detail but it will be long regardless!

So I left H a year ago with my 3 dcs (1 to H) and moved into my mums house. For the last year I have been sharing a double bed with 2 out of 3 of my children and we have been homeless. Finally been accepted for a house through a housing association but it's not ready yet.

Anyway when I left H, I went straight into private therapy. From there my therapist urged me to contact my local women's aid as they can help with things like housing. So I did and they wrote me a supporting letter to send to my local council and I started having telephone sessions twice a week with them too. During this time, things with H got quite bad and I told them about a few horrible messages he sent to me. My WA worker told me to inform the police in order to try get a non molestation order against him. I did this and the police came over however the took no action due to not enough evidence and basically it wasn't bad enough. They advised me to block H and call the police again if he tries to contact me. I did this and H left me alone completely. I unblocked him a few weeks later as it was affecting our son and wanted to trial contact.

From contacting the police, social services were involved as a precaution - what they always do. They called me and were absolutely lovely. They also called my sons pre school to check if there were any concerns which there wasn't so the case was closed and I haven't heard from them since.

I was then discharged from WA however they were going to refer my daughter (not H child) from some therapy in school as I had mentioned she suffers with low self esteem.

It's been 9 months now since I unblocked H. Like me, he has been in therapy for a year and continues to do so. He had a problem with gambling which he has now stopped and has a fair amount of mow by saved up in the hope to purchase a property with his friend. He is like a different person. Here's where I have to say he was never violent to me, never even shouted at me (except in text form when angry when I left) I left because I felt like I was walking on egg shells and I couldn't cope with the gambling anymore. My own mental health wasn't great and he wasn't there for me at all. He did in fact make it worse so I knew I had to leave him for mine and my children's sake. When I left, he was devastated and had a mental breakdown. The nasty texts were sent in this time and it was a horrible period to look back on.

We are still separated and have no plans to get back together however we want to remain close in each others lives. He really seems to have turned a new lead and I am learning I can rely on him for things. My therapist is helping me with this, she is very pleased at the outcome of H and how he is making a conscious effort to turn his life around. The police rang me not too long ago to ask how things were and I told them how H had been and again, they were very pleased and the case was completely closed with no action taken.

2/3 nights a week, I take 2 of the kids and we go and stay at our old family home. H is there but this is purely to get a good nights sleep. I'm sure you can imagine sleeping in a double bed with 2 children isn't great and the lack of sleep sometimes gets to us. My daughter is 11 and just stared year 6 so I'm really conscious that she gets a good night sleep. H sleeps on the sofa. My eldest child stays with my mum at her house.

We also still do the odd family day out. H has 2 children from previous who I always have and always will be very close too. They still class me as step mum and all our children get so well and think of each other as full siblings. It's very hard to stop all that and it's really nice we can still do it. We went on holiday in the summer as it was booked before I left - my family also came and we had a lovely to holiday (slept in separate accommodation) but it was nice we could still do those things.

This is what I'm worried about - finally I'll get to the point! The therapy that women's aid starts next week for my daughter in school. While my daughter is aware that me and H aren't together and that our new home is purely for me and the kids, I'm worried she may say she still sees H regularly and sleeps at his home. The last time I spoke to WA, I had called the police on him and although no action was taken, I'm so worried that social services may get involved if they think my children are still around what they thought could be a dangerous man?

Like I say, H really has put so much effort into turning his life around. I would never allow my children to be around him if I thought he would be a danger but I'm worried WA may not see it this way. I have no intentions of starting up my marriage again and neither has he. He's viewing houses out of the city we live in to start a new life which I think will be great for him. We both know that when my house is ready, our contact will probably drop and we will become more co-parents but right now, H feels so bad and guilty about everything, he is doing everything he can to make things easier for me and the kids until we are sorted which hopefully won't be much longer.

Sorry I'm rambling - would you say I had anything to worry about?

I probably am, it's typical me all over! Always thinking of the worst case scenario.

Obviously I've mentioned therapy on here and I also go to a women's charity group where I've met woman who's marriage have broken down for whatever reason. My therapist has always maintained as well as the group leader that social services would always be pleased with our outcome. Not that it's been brought up much as I haven't ever thought I'd be speaking to them again.

2 people working positively on themselves and showing the children that you can go the high your shitty times but can come out of the other end much happier whilst still getting on and putting the children first - better than it remaining toxic and dragging children through the courts. I would of also like to agree with this?

You aren't doing anything wrong, you are trying to do right by your children. They are lucky to have a mum and dad, and would be even better if mum and dad got on well!
In my opinion (and i have seen so much worse than this) you have nothing to feel guilty about. He hasn't ever hurt them, or you. We all make mistakes in life and deserve 2nd chances right?

I would not be worried about SS but it seems to me that you have made some very poor decisions.

Thank you very much. One of my best friends is currently going through the courts with his daughter and it's absolutely heartbreaking for him and his daughter. I am so glad we are able to be friends, get on and have a laugh. Our relationship now is 100x better than when we were together but I've been so worried the last couple of days that I'd somehow end up being punished for this.

Im fully prepared I may need to explain myself to SS but im praying they won't take it any further

I have, I don't deny that.

@kiteing i very much doubt it, unless I'm missing something here.
Is there a reason they'd think the kids are in danger?
My sister is going through it too, her ex is abusive both physically and mentally but there has been no evidence so up until now he's been allowed access. She's had enough and going back to court as one of the children has openly admitted infront of police he hits her. Even that hasn't got ss involved yet, its been a nightmare honestly!

As I said, it was my therapist who said I should contact them regarding homelessness. They can also help me with things like furniture and white goods if needed (I don't need those) but they cover a range of things.

The letter they wrote to my local council stated that my marriage had broken down and I was living with at my mothers house with a disabled child. That's more what the focus was on. I had to do the same with my GP to get a letter from them too.

I'm confused. If they were helping you because of homelessness/ overcrowded accommodation, not abuse, why would they tell you to involve the police and report your husband's behaviour?

Either you felt that his behaviour was sufficiently threatening and abusive to warrant reporting to the police, or you didn't. And it looks like you did because you made the report. In which case current arrangements do not seem appropriate because he is abusive, whether it's of a nature that makes it a police matter or not. And if you didn't believe he was being abusive to you, why make the police report at all?

Great advice from @Wishiwasatsoftplay.

OP, I do get where you are coming from. But do consider what this previous poster has said as SS may well appraise your ability to risk assess for your children.

Just because a parent is a gambler does not mean they can't see their kids or take steps to change. However, a child's wellbeing is paramount so you may need to demonstrate to SS you are placing this at the forefront of your decisions. Just so you know, and I know this isn't where it's at with you, Courts often rule fathers have contact with their children, even in domestic abuse (against the mother) situations.

You must be exhausted with everything that has happened but you need to be able to articulate and explain that you have risk assessed your decisions and decided it was in the best interests of your children that they not see their parents warring; that they maintain and develop a good relationship with their other (step) siblings and father. I would be wary of presenting as emotional, or confused about your decisions and rationale. State you risk assessed each time they stayed. How did their father present? Was it safe? What would you have done if he'd kicked off/let you down? And be prepared for these questions if SS get involved. If the counsellor at your child's school gets the wrong end of the stick, she will have a duty to escalate regardless so best thing is to be prepared to answer questions.

I've already said previously but will explain again. When I left he was having a mental breakdown. No excuse for the way he was but he wasn't well. Neither was I. H went really down hill one day and I received a few nasty messages off him. One stating he would 'get me back' which WA said was threatening - and yeah I was a bit worried at that point. H also accused me of having another partner (untrue) which WA said was emotional manipulation - a way for me to reply by defending myself. They advised me to call the police which I did straight after my call with them. H was already blocked at this point.

The police came round 2 days later, looked throng messages and said there wasn't enough evidence. Also the fact that I was replying to the majority of the messages it didn't look like harassment either. Due to the fact he had already been blocked for 3 days at this point and he hadn't tried to contact me in any other way, the police advised I unblock, send a firm message to say I didn't want contact and re block. If he tried to contact after this point then the police could do something but he didn't. He left me alone. The police rang me months later to ask how things were, I explained and they said that was a positive outcome - case closed.

Social services were involved by the police as precaution. They told me they were happy that the kids were well looked after and it was up to me how to proceed as far as contact went with H when I was ready. They gave me advice on court etc but thankfully it hasn't come to that.

Thank you for this. This is good advice. A few people have mentioned boundaries on here and I have them in place. I even have them written down - from a therapy session.

H hasn't crossed my boundaries or I haven't had to use my boundaries since I've thought about what is and isn't ok. I can see why sleeping at his house could be deemed as not ok however when we are exhausted, can't face another night of no sleep or disturbed sleep and my daughter is actually asking to go so she can sleep properly....I simply saw it as putting my children's needs first.

As for how he's been with his child/step children....absolutely fine. He's not someone that is aggressive and shouts - never has done at the kids. He's happy, I'm good spirits, helpful and easy to be around. Again if he wasn't, we wouldn't be in this mess that I feel we are in now.

However I am now just left questioning absolutely everything. H is coming over this evening with his part of the food/party bags for the party. Him and the kids are going to put the party bags together and I'm going to prep some food. Usually I wouldn't of thought anything of this but now I just feel disgusted with myself like it's wrong.

Agreed