AIBU?
I don’t want to lower my childrens a pocket money to match their stepsisters
ormav · 15/09/2022 16:16
I have a daughter (15) and a son (12) with my ex. Originally when their mum and I started giving them pocket money we went with a formula of £3 multiplied by how old they were. Since their mum and I divorced 7 years ago I have been responsible for paying the kids their pocket money. I have kept to the original formula we agreed on. So now our daughter get £45 a week and her brother gets £36 a week.
Last year their mum got married. Her husband also has a daughter (14), so my kids have a stepsister now. Apparently she just found out how much our children are getting for their pocket money. She found out when my sons was talking about saving up for a new computer and she asked how he could afford it and how much money he got. He told her how much and how it was based on how old they were.
Now that she knows my ex and her husband say it’s caused a lot of trouble in their household leading to jealousy issues and fighting. This is because their stepsister only receives £10 a week. Both my ex and her husband said that I need to lower the kids allowance. They say that inequality like that between children in the same household can severely adversely affect their sibling relationship. I think that if there is inequality in their household that it is their responsibility to deal with it, not mine. I told them they should should raise the amount his daughter gets if it’s an issue.
They told me that they couldn’t afford to give her that much, but even if they could they wouldn’t because they don’t believe children their ages should have access to the amount of money they have. They say that continuing to give them this much pocket money will also make them spoiled, entitled and bad with money.
My ex later said she assumed I was giving them a normal amount even though I just stuck with the formula we did and agreed upon a long time ago. She says that I obviously should have stopped raising it when it reached normal amount (I’ll point out here that she never said what a normal amount it).
I have since looked up the regular range for pocket money and I’ll acknowledge that theirs is on the higher side. That’s said I do not believe it is adversely affecting them. They do not act spoiled or entitled. They never demand to have things and accept when things don’t go as planned. They do their chores without complaint and do well in school. They get along very well with others their own age with the exception of their stepsister because she calls them spoiled. I would also they are the opposite of bad with money as they both have saved up a significant amount in their accounts and aren’t just spending their money on pointless things as soon as they get it.
Lalalolol · 16/09/2022 10:33
Op's question was not about if the amount he is giving his kids is a lot. Usually on mum'snet posters say they don't give unsolicited advice in RL but why they think it's ok here?
Op, don't change your parenting. Looks like your kids are financially responsible, and budget and save well.
Lovemylittlebear · 16/09/2022 10:35
Holy shit that’s a lot of pocket money.
at the end of the day it’s up to you what you give your children.
if I was in the situation and felt strongly I wanted them to have that amount I think I would chat to the kids about how they would feel about having ten pounds per week in cash and the other amount will go into a saving account. They are free then to build that money up for bigger items they would like to save for (like a computer). Just a thought but it sounds like a bit of a compromise.
whumpthereitis · 16/09/2022 10:40
CatSeany · 16/09/2022 04:34
I can see both sides here. I think the fairest way would actually be to increase the step childrens pocket money if your partner and their ex-partner can afford to. If they can't, then I think in their position I would feel upset. It wouldn't be unreasonable to do a complete overhaul and give every child £30 a week or something regardless of age. Equality seems important in a family environment. You can always put your extra aside for them separately to gift for car/house/wedding etc if you like.
On what planet is that the fairest way? 🤨 it’s pandering to jealousy, and penalizing two kids because mother dearest wants to prioritize new husband at their expense.
The system is normal for them, their father is happy to provide it, and they’re sensible kids who are managing the money well. Stepsister’s problem is stepsister’s problem to suck up, frankly. Instead of indulging her, her father and stepmother would be best placed teaching her to accept the fact that in life some people will have more than her.
And it’s not even a family environment they’re in for the majority of the time. Or any time if the mother’s new family doesn’t drop it.
whumpthereitis · 16/09/2022 10:41
Lovemylittlebear · 16/09/2022 10:35
Holy shit that’s a lot of pocket money.
at the end of the day it’s up to you what you give your children.
if I was in the situation and felt strongly I wanted them to have that amount I think I would chat to the kids about how they would feel about having ten pounds per week in cash and the other amount will go into a saving account. They are free then to build that money up for bigger items they would like to save for (like a computer). Just a thought but it sounds like a bit of a compromise.
His kids are saving fine themselves, and he doesn’t need to compromise. It’s not a problem for him and the kids he has the majority of the time.
sweetbambi · 16/09/2022 10:42
@Lovemylittlebear it still depends on what the kids pay for out of that pocket money. if that money was used for example to even cover travel expenses and school lunch that would not leave anything left for anything else at all.
also how is it better for the parent to hold x amount of money for saving of big items rather than the child deciding how much they want to spend and how much they want to put towards saving for the bigger items. surely giving the child more so they control it teaches them more then money comes from magic and if I want a bigger item I will just ask for it.
Lovemylittlebear · 16/09/2022 10:47
Yeah that’s a good point. Hadnt thought if it like that.
I guess I was thinking if it’s not to cover travel etc but more spending money pocket money and getting used to online banking, using a card for withdrawals and potentially maintaining relationships. I guess reading all the replies there are lots of ways to view this
Tryingtokeepgoing · 16/09/2022 11:27
womaninatightspot · 15/09/2022 20:21
Discuss with children, give them 10 quid a week each and put the remainder in savings for them. Same result but everyone has same disposable income.
And you’ve disempowered and taken away all responsibly for budgeting and saving from the children. Seems like a horribly retrograde step to me, who I cold actually make them more careless with money on the basis what’s the point budgeting and planning of someone’s going to move the goalposts on an irrational whim!!
ClassieLadyK · 17/09/2022 15:50
I just don't understand where all the people are saying that's to much.
If your kids buy school lunch that's 4 dollars which is 20. Then say they want to go do something on the weekend. A movie ticket is like 10 bucks now, that doesn't leave much left over. For savings or buying anything they want.
I know the fun park in our town cost 40 bucks to do all activities, so what happens when these kids wanna go out with there friends. You either have to give them extra money anyway, or give them an allowance big enough they can handle it all themselves.
sheepdogdelight · 17/09/2022 16:39
ClassieLadyK · 17/09/2022 15:50
I just don't understand where all the people are saying that's to much.
If your kids buy school lunch that's 4 dollars which is 20. Then say they want to go do something on the weekend. A movie ticket is like 10 bucks now, that doesn't leave much left over. For savings or buying anything they want.
I know the fun park in our town cost 40 bucks to do all activities, so what happens when these kids wanna go out with there friends. You either have to give them extra money anyway, or give them an allowance big enough they can handle it all themselves.
It's not too much if they are paying for bus fares and food and toiletries and ....
But from what OP has said, that doesn't seem to be the case and the money is just for socialising/fripperies.
A 40 buck fun park is a very occasional activity, not an every week activity. The teens budget the big cost activities in with cheaper ones. That's why people have said about learning to budget. If a DC has so much money they can do whatever they want and still have loads left over, then there is no need for budgeting at all.
sweetbambi · 17/09/2022 17:16
@sheepdogdelight this is true but I do also think it is worth pointing out everyone's budget is different. even for adults you will have some with more disposal income then others. it's a fact of life that not everyone will be able to afford the same things.
LAWinterofOurDiscountTents · 17/09/2022 17:43
It's OP's business what his kids get, not the stepsisters, not the non resident parent, and definitely not MNers.
I'd probably point out that main that that will affect that sibling bond that she's worried about is the fact that they are not siblings. And to butt out.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.