I don’t want to lower my childrens a pocket money to match their stepsisters

[ormav]

I have a daughter (15) and a son (12) with my ex. Originally when their mum and I started giving them pocket money we went with a formula of £3 multiplied by how old they were. Since their mum and I divorced 7 years ago I have been responsible for paying the kids their pocket money. I have kept to the original formula we agreed on. So now our daughter get £45 a week and her brother gets £36 a week.

Last year their mum got married. Her husband also has a daughter (14), so my kids have a stepsister now. Apparently she just found out how much our children are getting for their pocket money. She found out when my sons was talking about saving up for a new computer and she asked how he could afford it and how much money he got. He told her how much and how it was based on how old they were.

Now that she knows my ex and her husband say it’s caused a lot of trouble in their household leading to jealousy issues and fighting. This is because their stepsister only receives £10 a week. Both my ex and her husband said that I need to lower the kids allowance. They say that inequality like that between children in the same household can severely adversely affect their sibling relationship. I think that if there is inequality in their household that it is their responsibility to deal with it, not mine. I told them they should should raise the amount his daughter gets if it’s an issue.

They told me that they couldn’t afford to give her that much, but even if they could they wouldn’t because they don’t believe children their ages should have access to the amount of money they have. They say that continuing to give them this much pocket money will also make them spoiled, entitled and bad with money.

My ex later said she assumed I was giving them a normal amount even though I just stuck with the formula we did and agreed upon a long time ago. She says that I obviously should have stopped raising it when it reached normal amount (I’ll point out here that she never said what a normal amount it).

I have since looked up the regular range for pocket money and I’ll acknowledge that theirs is on the higher side. That’s said I do not believe it is adversely affecting them. They do not act spoiled or entitled. They never demand to have things and accept when things don’t go as planned. They do their chores without complaint and do well in school. They get along very well with others their own age with the exception of their stepsister because she calls them spoiled. I would also they are the opposite of bad with money as they both have saved up a significant amount in their accounts and aren’t just spending their money on pointless things as soon as they get it.

[JemimaPiddleDick]

“inequality like that between children in the same household can severely adversely affect their sibling relationship”

Yeah, and cutting two of their pocket money by a third and a quarter won’t?

[JemimaPiddleDick]

@JemimaPiddleDick

“inequality like that between children in the same household can severely adversely affect their sibling relationship”

Yeah, and cutting two of their pocket money by a third and a quarter won’t?

Eek, cutting by two thirds and three quarters I mean.

[Corcory]

How about setting up savings accounts for your two and suggest to them that you put most of their money into it then they can have £10 cash a week to do with whatever they like. The saved money is there's too but no longer treated as pocket money.

[daisyjgrey]

@whumpthereitis

Actually I’d say the real problem here is that the mother, who agreed to, and never had any previous issue with this arrangement, is willing to fuck over her children to make her new husband happy.

I agree.

Ignore all the shrieking here, you actually sound reasonable and logical. Your ex is the one who is causing problems, not the pocket money which has been plodding along using the same formula for years.

[whumpthereitis]

@lightisnotwhite

Why do you think he should care?

Because his kids have a new family to settle into? As someone else said blended families are normally shit for the kids. If the adults involved can do something about it they should.
His kids can have the money but just less in the other kids face. What’s wrong with that.

Yes, the ex’s proposal that they should lose out in their pocket money because she got remarried and their new stepsister is jealous does indeed suggest that blended families are shit for kids.

What’s wrong with it is that there’s no good reason for them to have less, unless you think jealousy is a compelling reason.

[daisyjgrey]

@Boreded what?

[whumpthereitis]

@Corcory

How about setting up savings accounts for your two and suggest to them that you put most of their money into it then they can have £10 cash a week to do with whatever they like. The saved money is there's too but no longer treated as pocket money.

Why? There’s no problem with the way things are for OP and his kids. They’re doing quite well saving their own money and learning how to be responsible and manage it themselves. Arguably more valuable for them than a parent doing it for them.

the problem is with the stepsister, not them.

[Ooopa]

@lightisnotwhite

Why do you think he should care?

Because his kids have a new family to settle into? As someone else said blended families are normally shit for the kids. If the adults involved can do something about it they should.
His kids can have the money but just less in the other kids face. What’s wrong with that.

Yeah changing their pocket money or removing it from them to save instead to appease their new step sibling sounds like a great way to create harmonious and loving relations between all the kids.

It's really none of the 14 year olds business what her dad's new partners kids get from their dad, a man she doesn't know. And there's nothing wrong with explaining that to her.

There is no point trying to make every single thing fair in blended families. The children often have family that isn't shared and therefore can't be fair all of the time.

[whumpthereitis]

“inequality like that between children in the same household can severely adversely affect their sibling relationship”

Yes, because cutting pocket money solely because their mother’s new husband’s kid is jealous will definitely not have an adverse affect on the ‘sibling’ relationship. Cut it down to a tenner and it’ll be happy families for sure.

[SeasonFinale]

You do you. The kids live with you the majority of time. They seem like they are handling the responsibility well which is a good thing and paying for their luxuries too.

Maybe tell your kids it is sometimes easier not to speak about finances with other people because it leads to jealousy and issues.

[KosherDill]

@whumpthereitis

Actually I’d say the real problem here is that the mother, who agreed to, and never had any previous issue with this arrangement, is willing to fuck over her children to make her new husband happy.

This is what I've been thinking, too. The issue should have stopped at their doorstep, with the OP and kids not involved at all.

[billy1966]

Carry on as before.

Your ex has some cheek interfering in a set up that she doesn't contribute to and has worked well.

The amount you give them, while largish is covering activities, and they are saving some too.

I think some new step sister being jealous, has absolutely no bearing on what has worked well for you, for years.

I wouldn't entertain it.

[whumpthereitis]

Honestly if the mother keeps pushing this what’s likely to happen is that the kids will move to their father’s full time. They’re at an age where they indeed vote with their feet.

that’ll solve the problem though, won’t it? No inequality in the same household.

[whumpthereitis]

@KosherDill

This is what I've been thinking, too. The issue should have stopped at their doorstep, with the OP and kids not involved at all.

I don’t think a lot of people are seeing beyond the amounts. For whatever reason there’s resentment even on here in regards to the sums involved. Some posters want to see it cut regardless of how outrageous the reasoning.

[Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim]

@lightisnotwhite

Why do you think he should care?

Because his kids have a new family to settle into? As someone else said blended families are normally shit for the kids. If the adults involved can do something about it they should.
His kids can have the money but just less in the other kids face. What’s wrong with that.

Again. These people are not their family. The adults have made a decision that the children have to live with.

He sint involved it's not his house.

Why? Why should they have less? When their father has provided a better life for them?

A lot actually.

[sleepygal]

Perhaps you could compromise and give your children the 'normal' amount of weekly pocket money but secretly put the balance based on the formula you're currently using, into a savings account or premium bonds for them, to be handed over to your children when they're 18 or whatever age you decide. And perhaps tack on a decent cash bonus for Xmas and birthdays.

[whumpthereitis]

@sleepygal

Perhaps you could compromise and give your children the 'normal' amount of weekly pocket money but secretly put the balance based on the formula you're currently using, into a savings account or premium bonds for them, to be handed over to your children when they're 18 or whatever age you decide. And perhaps tack on a decent cash bonus for Xmas and birthdays.

but why on earth would he do that?

[Hawkins001]

The banking and investment industries could use more children like yours op@ormav keep doing what you think is best.

[Hawkins001]

@ormav
if anything it seems the step child, is the one acting entitled and spoilt, by making the demands.

[Iateallthechocolate]

A father who has more money, gives his kids more money than a father who hasn't. Not sure why this is deemed unfair. Isn't it always the case? And its how adult life works too. Some people have more money than others.
It's not a problem for you therefore do nothing.

[PenTantrum]

@whumpthereitis

but why on earth would he do that?

To keep some random bloke who is now possibly called OPs kids step dad and his child happy apparently. 🙄 I do feel very sorry for the step daughter in this situation, it must feel very unfair. But her dad and OPs ex are completely unreasonable here. This really is the mess that pretending you can blend families brings. Take a look on the step parenting board, mess after mess, usually the kids suffering.

[1224boom]

It's really got nothing to do with the step sister or anyone else what pocket money you give your kids. It's a shame it's caused a disagreement but I would just say you are not prepared to change it.

[whumpthereitis]

The spoilt kid here is the one that’s having a tantrum about the situation and asking daddy and stepmum to sort it out to their liking. They’re doing her no favors by pandering to it. OP’s kids seem fine.

[entropynow]

@iwantasandwich

Ignore those fixating on the amount

I was given similar to that amount when I was 15 (17 years ago now) and grew up in a council house so it's hardly too much considering inflation and their ages

Well I wasn't and am solidly middle class. It's a huge amount!

[BadLad]

£45 a week is nuts. It's too much.

Piss off, you.

Dad, ignore this.