I don’t want to lower my childrens a pocket money to match their stepsisters

[ormav]

I have a daughter (15) and a son (12) with my ex. Originally when their mum and I started giving them pocket money we went with a formula of £3 multiplied by how old they were. Since their mum and I divorced 7 years ago I have been responsible for paying the kids their pocket money. I have kept to the original formula we agreed on. So now our daughter get £45 a week and her brother gets £36 a week.

Last year their mum got married. Her husband also has a daughter (14), so my kids have a stepsister now. Apparently she just found out how much our children are getting for their pocket money. She found out when my sons was talking about saving up for a new computer and she asked how he could afford it and how much money he got. He told her how much and how it was based on how old they were.

Now that she knows my ex and her husband say it’s caused a lot of trouble in their household leading to jealousy issues and fighting. This is because their stepsister only receives £10 a week. Both my ex and her husband said that I need to lower the kids allowance. They say that inequality like that between children in the same household can severely adversely affect their sibling relationship. I think that if there is inequality in their household that it is their responsibility to deal with it, not mine. I told them they should should raise the amount his daughter gets if it’s an issue.

They told me that they couldn’t afford to give her that much, but even if they could they wouldn’t because they don’t believe children their ages should have access to the amount of money they have. They say that continuing to give them this much pocket money will also make them spoiled, entitled and bad with money.

My ex later said she assumed I was giving them a normal amount even though I just stuck with the formula we did and agreed upon a long time ago. She says that I obviously should have stopped raising it when it reached normal amount (I’ll point out here that she never said what a normal amount it).

I have since looked up the regular range for pocket money and I’ll acknowledge that theirs is on the higher side. That’s said I do not believe it is adversely affecting them. They do not act spoiled or entitled. They never demand to have things and accept when things don’t go as planned. They do their chores without complaint and do well in school. They get along very well with others their own age with the exception of their stepsister because she calls them spoiled. I would also they are the opposite of bad with money as they both have saved up a significant amount in their accounts and aren’t just spending their money on pointless things as soon as they get it.

[Rinatinabina]

It really isn’t any of their business to be quite frank. If your kids aren’t even living there the majority of the time then it’s even less their business. The money isn’t coming from her dad or her step mum so it really has nothing to do with them. I’d have a bit more sympathy if it were a half sibling but tbh in this situation I would absolutely refuse to budge if it were me. Especially if I were primary carer.

[ivykaty44]

imo Your ex is pushing boundaries tell you what you can and can’t give your own children. What will be next? Xmas present, birthday presents? First car not allowed or gifts of driving lessons etc

[BreatheAndFocus]

That’s a mad amount of money a week! The idea of ‘pocket money’ is a small amount of money to keep in your pocket to buy cheap items - hence the term ‘pocket money prices’.

If you want to carry on giving them that amount, that’s your choice, but maybe, for the sake of good relations, you could name it differently. For example, give them each £10 a week pocket money and pay the remaining amount into a savings account for them.

Your DC should also have thought about being a bit more discreet/tactful/sensitive about how much money they’re getting. They could easily have made up an excuse about saving birthday money or whatever and not revealed their large weekly pocket money.

[IDidntKnowItWasAParty]

Totally not your problem. Ex can butt out.
However, it is an insane amount of pocket money!

[Dervel]

Wow that is quite the cost of giving crises you have there!

Sounds like you are doing a great job raising your kids, and presumably a decent paying job as well. I take my hat off to you OP!!

[SleeplessInEngland]

I assume this is a wind-up thread.

[sweetbambi]

to be fair the amount of pocket money depends on what they pay for. I got a similar amount but was expected to buy my own Christmas gifts for family and same for birthday, school lunches, train/bus fairs, any socialising, any extra clothes that I wanted on top of the essentials my mum bought me, any electronics such as laptop/ipod etc unless I asked for them for Christmas was also my own responsibility, any games or gaming console I also had to save up for etc. it really does depend on what they pay etc

[jeaux90]

OP as divorced parents your job is to create equity across the two houses in terms of experience for your kids.

What isn't your job is create equity for the other child that is not yours.

I hope your kids earn that money as it is quite a lot but at least they learn to manage it.

[FuzzySock]

What exactly does the weekly pocket money have to cover? If they are expected to buy their own toiletries, all clothes etc then that is a bit different to total leisure money I think. I would get £100 a month as a teen from my Dad, but I lived with my Mum and stepdad and they provided food, basic clothes, basic toiletries etc. I think £45 a week as pure pocket money is a lot of disposable income to have for a 15 year old, although it does sound like they understand the concept of budgeting and saving it up, which is important.

[Lemoncurd]

You can't stop now, how would you make it fair between your own children given that the older one will have received this rate for two years longer.

However, could you compromise by putting a smaller sum, similar to that their step sister receives into their current accounts and the rest into separate savings accounts for them? Then it's less 'visible'.

My teens only receive £5 notional 'pocket money' a week but much more goes into savings for them that they could access if they really wanted to (but choose not to).

[ImAvingOops]

I thought you said her objection was that kids in the same household should have the same pocket money?
Im starting to have doubts about this one!

[ormav]

@starfishmummy I do pay for their clothes and toiletries. Not overly expensive ones though. If they want something more expensive they need to pay for it themselves. For instance my son wanted some Air Jordan's. He knew he would have to pay for them as I'll only buy him regular trainers when he needs them. I think it works out okay because he later decided by himself that they weren't worth the cost.

I also expect them to pay for their own activities with the exception being things we do together as a family.

[Tohaveandtohold]

That’s a lot of pocket money compared to their peers but that’s life generally, fingers are not equal. There’ll always be things some children have that others don’t.
I would continue what I’m doing, definitely don’t reduce it but at least, time to teach your son the importance of using discretion when talking about money.

[LovingTheseAutumnSnippets]

It sounds a lot, but it depends on what they are spending it on. My 16 and 13 year old both get £50 a month. I’m looking to increase the older one’s to £70 at 17. They save most of it, spend some. They’ve both saved for iPhone’s, computers and other Apple stuff, and used birthday and Christmas money to top it up.

I would never expect them to buy any clothes, trainers, sports gear etc. and often if they are going out I’ll hung them a bit of cash. I also put £100 in premium bonds each away every month, and win every other month so far!

it’s not your problem

[Moveoverdarlin]

I agree with everyone else, it seems like an awful lot of money for children of their ages. Can you compromise with your ex and say whilst you’re not going to lower the amount they get, you will agree to cap it at £45. So stop this £3 age increase thing and leave it as £45 when you reach 15 and it stays that amount until you want to stop giving it. You’re 12 year old will continue to get increases until they reach 15 then stay on £45.

[Tryingtokeepgoing]

@Scottishskifun

Yeah that's a crazy amount of money!

Personally I would drop what I "gave them" to £10 and then put the rest per week into a high interest saving account in their name it will get more money for them in the long run.

And they’ll learn very little about budgeting or saving. Leave it as it is and let them manage their own money. It’ll serve them well in the long run.

[Bunnycat101]

I don’t know how people think children will learn to manage money if they never have any of their own? It sounds like they are learning to save/think about the value of things if they want a more expensive brand, pay for activities etc.

[Tiredalwaystired]

Blimey I feel really tight. Mine get their age per MONTH!!

[Stompythedinosaur]

It isn't reasonable to ask you to do this.

But that is an unusually high amount of pocket money!

[budgiegirl]

Now that she knows my ex and her husband say it’s caused a lot of trouble in their household leading to jealousy issues and fighting. This is because their stepsister only receives £10 a week. Both my ex and her husband said that I need to lower the kids allowance. They say that inequality like that between children in the same household can severely adversely affect their sibling relationship. I think that if there is inequality in their household that it is their responsibility to deal with it, not mine. I told them they should should raise the amount his daughter gets if it’s an issue

Do your children live with your ex and her DH most of the time? Because, to be fair, I can see how this absolutely huge disparity in pocket money could cause problems. I know it's not your problem to fix, in a way, but perhaps they can't fix it because they can't afford to raise his DD pocket money. Or don't want to, as it is an insane amount of pocket money.

If this is the case, then there's no easy answer. But I can (sort of) see their issue, if it's causing problems. Could you perhaps lower the amount they get, and put the rest in savings for the future? Car/uni etc?

[Subbaxeo]

You can do what you want but that’s an insane amount to give to schoolchildren. I take it they have no expenses. Could you put the money into a junior Isa for them for long term savings so that they get a similar amount to spend on a day to day basis as their step sibling? Who do they live with? It’s really not on to have kids living in the same household treated so differently. It seems quite entitled to say the inequality is their responsibility to deal with-they obviously don’t have the same disposable income as you-they can’t not pay their electricity bill in order to treat a child.

[sweetbambi]

I do have a question for people that saying more then 10 pounds a week is too much etc. Do you also expect school lunch, transportation, extra clothes and any social activities to come from that money or would that be topped up? just asking because I am now wondering if it is too much pocket money

[Wibbly1008]

How about giving them half and putting half in savings account? They are still getting what you want to give but it’s not going to cause the chaos

[whumpthereitis]

“It’s really not on to have kids living in the same household treated so differently.”

but that’s a risk you take when you blend families 🤷🏻‍♀️ Different kids, different parents. ‘Equalizing’ it will create a new set of problems, because it’s only being done to pander to the step sister.

[ConfusedDottComm]

Give your kids what you like. It's not your issue if your exs partner can't afford it.