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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

626 replies

Peeeko · 15/09/2022 15:19

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

OP posts:
Littlemissprosecco · 15/09/2022 15:21

Can you change your day off??

Original poster
Peeeko · 15/09/2022 15:25

Littlemissprosecco · 15/09/2022 15:21

Can you change your day off??

Not really it's sort of established at work now. Myself and another colleague work around each others days off so on her day off I take her files and she takes mine on my day off.

It wouldn't change the problem anyway.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2022 15:25

You can’t help because you don’t want to. He can’t help her so it can’t be done. Bad news but fuck all to do with you. Tell him you’re not discussing it again.

Original poster
Peeeko · 15/09/2022 15:27

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2022 15:25

You can’t help because you don’t want to. He can’t help her so it can’t be done. Bad news but fuck all to do with you. Tell him you’re not discussing it again.

The problem is she's already accepted the job. Although agree it still doesn't make it my problem. She shouldn't have before this was arranged imo but that's between them as I say.

In theory I don't have a problem with DSS being here the extra time but I do not want it affecting this day off for me. It's not why I dropped the day, I did that for the benefit of myself and my son and I took a financial loss for that. I didn't do that for the benefit of my husband, his ex and their child.

OP posts:
loveisagirlnameddaisy · 15/09/2022 15:28

The ex has created this problem by taking a job with hours she can't fulfil. It is her to sort out childcare for her son.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 15/09/2022 15:29

*up to her

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2022 15:29

She’ll have to sort childcare. Has she suggested paying maintenance as she’s asking him to be the resident parent? It all sounds ridiculous and still not your problem.

Caterinaballerina · 15/09/2022 15:32

I think the suggestion to change your day off was to take you out of the equation for DSS. It’s a tough one because you still get most of your day with your DS and it’s alway nice to think that SC have extra care from their step parent rather than someone adamant not to help. Could a compromise be just after school club, so you’d sort the morning school run and aim for not too long at after school club where possible but not be tied to a hard stop finish time like with school and also DH could do some of the pick ups too?

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 15/09/2022 15:32

Not your problem at all. If it was in his mums time and your dh is not able to help she will have to sort something else out. There’s a big difference between now and again or in emergencies to being tied to school hours very week.

OriginalUsername3 · 15/09/2022 15:33

She'll have to sort childcare. It's not even about him. It's his ex wife's time and she's expecting you to look after her kid so she can earn more off your reduced income.

No way. If he wants to help her that's his business but it all has fuck all to do with you.

picklemewalnuts · 15/09/2022 15:34

"No, that's my special day with DS where we do baby stuff. I'm spending 1/5th of my wage so I really want to make the most of it while I can."

MumsHairnet · 15/09/2022 15:34

What would she do if you didn’t exist, she’ll have to do that. Did your DH maybe say to her that you would do it?
A kindness would be to be an occasional back up for a days training or similar not being a free childminder one day a week.

AhaTopTrump · 15/09/2022 15:35

I totally agree with you. Bloody cheek of both of them thinking it's OK because it doesn't effect them

DiddlyDoris · 15/09/2022 15:35

YANBU.

viques · 15/09/2022 15:36

You made a decision about your life and your relationship with your young son some time ago, a decision and arrangement which everyone knew about, the ex has now assumed that you would be happy to change your arrangements to suit her decision about her life and relationship with her son. I don’t think her new arrangement trumps your long standing one, so I think it is mostly up to her to sort out, and if she can’t do it then your OH has to step in. It is not for you to sacrifice the time you are spending with your child.

as a matter of interest did the ex wife work when your SS was a year old, and if so how did they organise child care?

Original poster
Peeeko · 15/09/2022 15:36

Tbf to her she's not actually asked me anything, she's asked DH and he's asked me. I don't really speak to her. But she shouldn't have taken the job without checking imo.

OP posts:
Keroppi · 15/09/2022 15:37

No, on occasion maybe when he is sick you can offer to help, but being drawn into being a childminder who is then expected to do it always is a mug's game! It limits your freedom, what if you want to go on daytrips etc

"No, sorry, that doesn't work for me" x100!!

Shpaniel · 15/09/2022 15:37

It’s for your DH to sort out not you.

Tdcp · 15/09/2022 15:37

She’ll have to sort childcare. Has she suggested paying maintenance as she’s asking him to be the resident parent?

This is a good point actually.

Also, it's not your problem, whilst I'm sympathetic to her, she shouldn't have accepted the job without putting this situation to her exh and you in the first instance. You have dropped a day from work, taken a financial loss and probably have more work to do on your work days as a result, to spend 1 on 1 time with your son, you haven't done it so your husbands ex wife can get a different job.

Original poster
Peeeko · 15/09/2022 15:38

as a matter of interest did the ex wife work when your SS was a year old, and if so how did they organise child care?

No she didn't. She then went back to study and was a student for a while then worked part time and this is now the first job she's been offered in the subject she got her degree in.

OP posts:
kimchifox · 15/09/2022 15:38

One of his parents has to pay for childcare. They should probably split the difference. It's not wrong of them to ask, but it's very wrong of them to expect you to do this.

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/09/2022 15:39

Everyone on here will back you up and it's your choice in the end but it doesn't bode well for your marriage or your relationship with your DSS.

I would do it without hesitation and I suspect most people in RL would. You are a family and need to pull together not do your own thing in the opposite direction.

That saying a couple of hours in a kids club is not going to kill your DSS so surely that can be a happy compromise?

SisterCassandra · 15/09/2022 15:39

Absolutely not your problem. You took a financial hit for a specific reason, to build your relationship with dc. If dh wants to facilitate ex partners new job why can’t he negotiate working from home on the extra day she wants? If he can’t then it’s just lazy and being a bit of a thoughtless cf to assume you’ll take on dsc. Depends how reasonable a human he is as to whether he comes to see your pov or becomes resentful that you don’t help him out. It might affect your relationship but I do think you should stand your ground.

washingbasketqueen · 15/09/2022 15:39

I'd stick to your guns and say no. Dss can go to before and Afterschool childcare that your dh /dh ex should sort.

LadyCluck · 15/09/2022 15:40

They’re his responsibility. YANBU.

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