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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

626 replies

Peeeko · 15/09/2022 15:19

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

OP posts:
Doingprettywellthanks · 15/09/2022 17:03

How old is your step son op?

Mumspair1 · 15/09/2022 17:05

Stay far away from this situation op. Their child, their problem to sort out. It will become a huge burden to you, think of all the restrictions this will bring. Not to mention, during school holidays you will be dumped with the responsibility. It's her child, she needs to be more responsible for her own child and not make plans without sorting his childcare.

starfishmummy · 15/09/2022 17:05

Newusername21 · 15/09/2022 15:46

I'm going to go against the grain here.

I think - to a certain extent - when you are in a relationship with someone who has existing children - you kind of have to anticipate those other children becoming part of your life too. So that includes looking after them.
It sounds like on the other days the SS is with you - his Dad does step up and do the school runs etc etc - but on this particular day thats not going to be possible.
I don't see the issue with having to do the school run on one day per week - you're helping your whole family unit.
You can always make it crystal clear that you're happy to do this providing it doesn't start sliding into you doing extra on the others days SS was already with you.
Your stepson is part of your family and should feel as included and as welcome as your new baby.

@Newusername21
I totally agree with this!!
But given the usual mumsnet attitude to step kids, I suspect we are in a minority

Thehonestbadger · 15/09/2022 17:06

I usually avoid commenting on DSC threads because I don’t have any of my own and worry I’ll be bias toward bio mums as my own perspective … but even I think this is ridiculous.

It is not your job to facilitate your partners ex’s career. I mean seriously 🤔I’d be tempted to ask her which day she’d like to look after your son for free in return? And see what she says to that because it’s essentially what she’s asking of you.

yes it would be different if you were a SAHP being funded by DP but you’re not. You’re also not DSC’s parent, they have two parents just as your own child does. In exactly the same way that his ex wouldn’t take responsibility for your child you are not obligated to take responsibility for hers.

rogueone · 15/09/2022 17:07

So she asks your DH if he can have his son an extra day and instead of him simply saying no as he is working he passes it onto you. So your now the problem and your DSS will be told you want him too. They are all shit bags and your DH should have made it clear the answer was no as 'he; is not available. His ex doesn't even speak to you but is expecting you to support her to work. I could understand if you all got on but.....

gatehouseoffleet · 15/09/2022 17:09

I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway

Not your problem.

He goes to the clubs.

Or DH sorts his working pattern so he can be home another day (or work a shorter day in the office and DSS only goes to after-school club).

Or DSS mum sorts out alternative childcare.

Not your problem, you are not his mum.

Aubriella · 15/09/2022 17:09

Does she know which is your day off, OP?

I'm wondering if DH has told her it'll be fine, like some omniscient twat.

livingonpurpose · 15/09/2022 17:10

Your DH is being unreasonable. You reduced your work week for a specific reason, as if your choice. Your DH cannot look after SS because he is working. He needs to tell his ex that he is working. Simple. It has nothing to do with you.

What happens if you agree to this and then decide you want to go back to working full time in the future (like when your DS starts school). Will you be unable to to do so because you're assumed to be SS's childcare provider?

gatehouseoffleet · 15/09/2022 17:12

One other point - if the choice is between club or stepmum and baby, does the DSS actually want to be with step-mum and baby? I don't think I would have wanted to be.

whumpthereitis · 15/09/2022 17:13

‘The stepchild is getting lost in this’

Well, if they took the focus off his stepmother they could concentrate more on him and sort it between themselves. As his two parents.

Doingprettywellthanks · 15/09/2022 17:13

Has the op clarified age? Are we talking pre school? School aged? Teen?

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 15/09/2022 17:14

At age 7 there are still quite a few years until he can get too and from school alone so I would try to be firm as it isn't as if it was just for a few months until he is able to get there/ back alone.

Original poster
Peeeko · 15/09/2022 17:14

He's 7

OP posts:
Thehonestbadger · 15/09/2022 17:16

@starfishmummy
@Newusername21

I get the whole ‘attitude towards SC’ thing, I don’t have any myself but do see it on here. It is very sad ofc.

I don’t think it’s as prevalent as the ‘step mum gets shafted with responsibilities that should be the dads but apparently pass to her simply because she has a vagina’ trope that’s played out on here over and over. I think these two directly conflict with one another.
Imagine step mum wasn’t in the mix, what would dad do in this situation? I’m guessing just be like ‘nope I can’t facilitate that’ and get on with his life.

Im not sure why simply by existing in the general vicinity women are expected to pick up all these duties. I’m not a step mum but I feel sorry for them. It’s like they’re expected to do more than the actual dad FFS

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 15/09/2022 17:18

If you’re splitting costs down the line with your DP, I hope he’s paying for your time on your non-working day.
DSS is for him to sort. Or he could pay you for that too. Interesting that he’s happy to assume you’ll take a financial hit looking after not only your shared child, but also his child too. Is he paying into your pension to make up for any losses?

Cakeandcardio · 15/09/2022 17:20

Part of not working means you get a more leisurely morning. It's not about getting up and out to run around doing school runs. What about suggesting to your DH that he reduces his hours so he is available for DSS? Would that help him to understand what he is asking you to do? People do take the piss, don't they?!

Cakeandcardio · 15/09/2022 17:21

Maybe the step mum could look after your little one on her day off to save you childcare? Haha seems a bit absurd when you put it like that...

Shelby2010 · 15/09/2022 17:22

Is exW going back full-time? What are her childcare plans for her contact days?

BatshitBanshee · 15/09/2022 17:22

We'll both DSS's parents are working now so I'm sure they'll be able to cough up the money for childcare. Just because you're off work doesn't mean you have to pick up their failings. YADNBU.

NumberTheory · 15/09/2022 17:23

As well as the request for you to be responsible on your day off, there’s also the issue with them asking you to be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

Sounds like they are both looking for someone else (you!) to take the career hit for raising a child. YANBU to put your foot down and say no anyway, but I think you need to do more than that with this request. It shows a lack of respect for you.

While you’re at it, you should probably be clear to your DH that you moving to a 4 day week for your own infant doesn’t mean he can duck out of having to cover sick days and holidays when you’re working.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/09/2022 17:24

I don’t think you are unreasonable. It’s a big ask week in and out and severely limits your ability to go out for day with your son. I used to have a zoo membership, go to eureka etc.
You’ve taken hit on your earnings and pension to have this quality time.
Solution would be childcare or DH drop a day.

Doingprettywellthanks · 15/09/2022 17:26

I used to love going to school pick up with my 1 year old. Broke up the day and they loved seeing all the activity.

i reckon your 1 year old would love having his bro around, and might give you a chance to sit down at end of the day and have a cuppa and mumsnet peruse!

DixonD · 15/09/2022 17:29

I might have missed it but what happens with regards to the school run on the days you already have him?

Could your DH drop him to school and you collect him (so then you don’t have to get up early)?

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 15/09/2022 17:32

Your DH and his ex need to sort out childcare. Neither of them can expect you to solve that using your work time. They can ask... but not expect or demand.

(You are not working during that time at present but are free to do so when it suits you. Childminding would limit your freedom to earn.)

Bestcatmum · 15/09/2022 17:38

Its not your problem, you are not the unpaid nanny for someone elses child. Surely your DH can arrange for him to be cared for until he gets back from work to pick him up, or the mother.
What would he do if it wasn't your day off?