To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

[Peeeko]

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

1. He wants to come as well which I think makes it hard for DH. He loves it here and seems happy with the idea of staying here another night and DH obviously very happy to have more time with him too.

The reason I'm not keen on compromising and doing the morning school run is that DS is still not a fantastic sleeper so sometimes isn't always up when wed have to be getting up and dressed. If he's up through the night he might fall asleep again at 6 and it's my time then to have a bit of a sleep.

Also during school holidays he'd be with me the whole day I assume.

Another kid not particularly wanted by anyone, it's sad. Not a dig at you op - it's not your responsibility. But the mum shouldn't be making commitments for her contact time with her own son if she can't fulfil childcare. Kids come first in my eyes.

The child already has two parents - they are the ones who need to figure out his childcare. Your husband can either take a day off work to care for his son, or he can pay for childcare.
If you are not able to use your day off as you like, you should say that you intend to go back to work instead and continue progressing your career. You've taken a pay cut to spend time with your baby, not his son.

She is offering to pay maintenance yes. None is currently paid at the minute.

Normally I'd be saying that as a step parent you have to consider that you will be taking on your partners dc and that means you help with looking after them when your partner is working etc. However, with this scenario YANBU. not in the least.
You took a financial hit so you could spend that day with your DS. And that was the sole reason for you changing to 4 days working. To spend that quality one on one time with DS before you are restricted by school days etc. Absolutely, this extra day for DSS is not your responsibility.

I agree with others, in that if you have no plans and it does not affect your day, then occasionally you can help out in picking dss up from school etc. But this should be only on the very odd occasion it can't be facilitated by his father/mother due to some circumstance beyond their control.

If your DH wants to help his ex be able to do this new job, and its not unreasonable he wants to help where he can, then the responsibility of that extra day falls entirely in his hands. Not yours.

Just keep repeating - you dropped a days work to spend time with DS. And you took the financial hit for that - your DH is not affected in anyway by your choice to do this. In fact he probably benefitted from it by one day less of paid childcare.
So if he really wants to help ex and have dss an extra day, he sorts the childcare for it, and you help only if there is an emergency beyond anyones control.

She’s done it to increase her own income, at the expense of yours. And assuming that you’ll be guilted into looking after the poor, poor DSC to help her out.

Not your problem, stand firm.

Kids come first in my eyes

Yep, to their own parents. DS comes first to OP so why should he be pushed back to second.

Her responsibility. She needs to arrange childcare, same as he would if he was working on one of his residency days.

I don't think yabu at all. School drop off and pick ups are a tie. My dc finish at 3 so you need to start thinking about getting them by half 2 (rare for me as I work full time, but still). I dont blame you for making the most if your free day before your dc starts school. Everyone benefits from the proposed arrangement but you. If your dh agrees then he needs to take his son to school and arrange after school club.

I know it's not much help but these things almost always feel a lot bigger than they really are to the person who has them. How many times have you had a spot that felt enormous only to look in the mirror and see it was tiny? I know I have.

'His dad does step up and do the school run..'....it's his child? That makes it sound like he's doing OP favour!

Doing the school run is a ballache, as a PP said, it basically gives you 10-2 free, depending on how far away you live, what parking is like, etc., so has a big impact on free time. I wouldn't be committing to doing that 3 years before I actually needed to with my own child. @Peeeko I don't think you're being at all unreasonable. Unfortunately your DHs ex should've considered all of this before accepting the job.

If I gave up 20 percent of my salary to have a day off per week, I wouldn't want to be hauling out of bed to do a school run on those days.

Why can't the DH negotiate something with HIS employer?

When does the new job start? She needs to sort childcare asap.

Is your DH saying you should be doing it?

How long until DSS will be able to get himself to school? Is it within walking distance?

Could arrangements be made for a classmate's parents to pick him up and drop him off?

Tell her (and your DH if necessary) that you plan to go back to 5 days so can't help.

Noone can argue with that. Even if it doesn't come to fruition.

Agree, your husband needs to sort out with is work to finish early the same as he would if he were single. If I were you I would compromise and say if he is too unwell to go to school that day and it is not frequent, you'd help. But equally, your husband could call in with sick child, just as most parents have to.

YANBU.

No, don't do it. It's your partner's and gis ex's responsibility to sort out. Stepchilf is not your responsibility.

Their child, their responsibility. Don't be guilt tripped into it.

Hmm, so DH is benefitting from you dropping a day to care for your child and you are still contributing 50%. He will be receiving maintenance. He will not have his work impacted by DSS being with you for an additional day. He's taking the piss isn't he and off loading the challenge on to you.

The ex has created the problem your entitled to your day off tell her to pay for childcare.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable

DH is being an arse. I presume you’ve told him your answer is no. Has he told his ex this?

I agree stand firm. You shouldn’t take the hit (time, financial or career development) for someone else’s child. DH is taking the piss if he thinks you should. On repeat as PP said, that doesn’t work for me.

Don't do it. I wouldn't do the holidays either. The most I would agree to is perhaps doing it when your own child starts school. By which point I presume your dss will be in secondary anyway.

Would it make a difference if DH made up the difference in your salary loss?
Though I totally agree that it is up to DH and DSS's mum to sort this out between them, not your problem at all.

This.

No skin off his nose at the end of the day, is it? It’s win win all round for him. Extra time with his DS, and more money, all at your expense. No wonder he’s so keen to volunteer your time on your behalf without even consulting you.

And as for the ex; I think it’s reasonable to assume that the only reason she took the job was because in the back of her mind she was thinking you’d be her childcare. If your DH already works full time, there was no way she was thinking it would be him doing it. All three of you know that it was always intended to fall to you to pick up the slack, which is monumentally cheeky.

YANBU to tell them both to fuck off. She shouldn’t accept jobs she doesn’t have childcare for. And he shouldn’t assume you’ll be a proxy for his parenting responsibilities.